Because it always ends like this

Exactly one week after the dance class which made me feel super bad about my sheepishness around the guy i like.

And today it further sealed the fate with him.

My roommate is SMITTEN with the guy. on the way home she was giggling like a little girl and asked me to guess who it is she has a thing for. Well, considering the fact that she tries to flirt with him LOUDLY during the couple dance, it's hard not to guess who she likes. And she had to force me to guess. so i had to spit out HIS name. at which moment i feel that i have lost all interests to continue to go to class. because it's just going to make me feel bad.

Maybe it's the way i acted indifferenly, maybe it's the fact that he didn't persist like i wish he would, maybe it's the fact that i know if i continue liking him it will turn into something sad and hard to leave at the end of the year, maybe it's the fact that i sensed my roommmate is in love with him, or maybe it's the fact that i'm just pessimistic about relationships in general.

It kind of doesn't matter anymore.

It would be nice. to stop caring. I might continue to go, to get better, at dancing, my job, computer, whatever language/skills i once learned to impress someone who i once liked. but it won't be for anybody else but for myself now. Because it makes me feel too bad to to rely on someone to make me happy. i no longer wish that my mood be affected by someone not staying for the social hour after dance class, someone who leaves class early, someone who also makes people around me feel dizzy and giggly, someone who i have nice chats with at work but will never do anything further, or someone who is emotionally unavailable.

I don't ever want to feel vulnerable and sad again.

誰應該與我相遇

不是在說劉墉的書
是在說一個人
我等很久都等不到的一個人
連住在哪都不知道
長的甚麼樣子
我看了會不會臉紅
我遇到了沒有
都不知道

只知道對自己的被動很沮喪
對自己因為運不好必須主動而很沮喪
怎們別人那麼簡單
自己卻越來越害怕因為年紀大了
更沒有辦法受傷
所以想太多

今天又一次
讓自己失望
我想
我所有喜歡過的人
應該都不知道吧
還是感覺不到
我其實很緊張
因為我在乎

你如果過來牽我的手
我會抓住
我想說的
也只有這樣而已

Why it is mentally hard for me/ the daily struggle i go through

Things that make me happy and sad at the same time:

1) Walking around Princeton University: I used to grow up thinking that i want to go to one of the ivy league schools. And this was some dream i had when i was very young, without having a very good grasp of what that actually entails. So now of course i realized that i didn't go to a ivy league school or probably never will (unless i change my mind about getting another degree). And I actually didn't move out to the east coast for the ivy league school...so walking around it makes me feel sad. You grow up to realize that the degrees that are a realistic measure of intelligence or job prospect may not actually be offered at the school you want to go to. And so i probably could choose to do a one year degree program in some international studies/economics/one of those random majors these schools keep creating for foreign students with a lot of money but no idea what they want to do, which i can totally get in and do that east-coast/ivy-league school thing for a year, and feel really, really smart and good about myself, i prolly never will. Yes, very superficial i know. But aren't we all like that to a certain degree? I guess it's something about the 18-century looking campus, and actually taking a class in a building like that, and talking about some deep, deep philosophy stuff, on a really pretty automn day. Sigh, even their dorms are look like churches in europe.
And I mentioned this because I am now taking salsa class once a week on the PU campus. walking amongst the students, but being so much older, and i'm actually done with my graduate degree, and therefore i have a 'work life' with annoying co-workers who i have no interest in, and seeing the students who still are so carefree, make it all the more sentimental for me.

2) Visiting New York: Yes, i have the luxury to pop into the City every now and then when i feel like it. And when i'm in the city i REALLY want to be in the city. I hate the fact that I am on the east coast, but I live closer to farmlands then a nice european coffee house. So, as much fun as i have when I am in the city with my friends in the lower east side, hell's kitchen, time square, chinatown, and all of these cute boutique stores and cafes and restaurants, at the end of the day, i have to catch that train back to NJ because i don't actually live in the city. I know i shouldn't be picky, but by living in NJ, i'm even farther away from either cities i really want to be in (NY vs. Taipei), or any of the european cities i wouldn't mind moving to for a few years. People around here don't care about good food and don't know what good food is. To them chinese food means P.F. Changs and chicken means either General Tso's chicken, Orange chicken, or kung-pao. It drives me crazy how uncultured this general area is. I just dont know if you've been exposed to the city life, and have visited so many places in the world, if you can settle down with someone HERE who are content with the way things are.


Things that make me feel really sad:

1) missing my parents: well, that goes without saying. I often wonder if i'm willing to give up everything i know/own right now, and the lifestyle in a CITY in the US, be it nyc, San Fran, San diego, to go back. I'd love nothing more to be close to them to take care of them. And now it also creeps into my mind when i meet someone too. i want to date for fun...but i dont seem to have that luxury anymore. :(

2) there are all these other fellows here who are super kiss asses to the senior management. everyone's IN LOVE with the company, everyone is trying to get FACE TIME with senior management, everyone's trying to stand out. I can't talk to them about my job because if mine sounds better, it stirs this animosity from them, and if it goes badly (there are days when it's bad), they think you have the crappy end of the stick and they make you feel even worse like you're not doing anything or getting enough projects from your boss. it's just bad either way. I jsut can't deal with this constant ass kissing and fakeness. I'm not like that and probably will never be. but you dont want to be the silent one either. it jsut pains me so much to think there's so many fellows in the company who you have to collaborate with and everyone's always on your business, trying to find out what you do, trying to shine at these meetings that you also attend. I just stepped out of one where i was SUPPOSED to work with a fellow on going over a presentation with a member of senior management, and he really KISSED ASS about BMS the whole time. and he's the least douch-baggy guy in the fellowship class at bms. that goes to show you how the rest is. this is also another reason why i don't believe you can work with someone and fall in love with them at the same time. too. friggin. gross.


I just really, really want to be happy and content with my life.

Elaborating on what i had said the night before

So last night i was in a foul mood in the man department because of several reasons:

1) the weekend before, even though i was having a wonderful brunch with my friend at one of the best brunch places in town, we touched on the topic of guys. she's already married, so this mainly applies to me. She's trying to find out why i say/do the thins i say/do about men. So i had to lay the most recent bad examples on her:

the flirty doc with a girlfriend from hawaii
the flirty passenger next to me on the way back from hawaii, who i had a great convo and chemistry with, who friended my good looking friend on facebook without even knowing her.
the guy at baxter who's married
the psych rotation doc who asked my friend out THEN asked me out
the oncology resident who flirted with both me and my friend, and because i was giving him the cold shoulder now is going with my friend

And then there's also the guys whoh i liked and never said anything about in fear of rejection or hearing another line about him having a gf/wife/being engaged....

2) Then it's these guys at work who are all super intense. they work probably 12 hrs a day and really dont like to go home. i get it that they are young and ambitious, but trust me, it becomes less attractive when people perceive you as super intense. at least i'm not attracted to that kind of guys. I'm sure they would be a great catch in 5 years when they are more established to girls who are not in this field. but i really can't deal with their intensity and brown-nosingness.

There is this guy in particular who i have really good conversation with. he gets my sarcasm and we joke about weird stuff and he probably thinks i'm weird and quirky too. which is rare because for some reason i really am pretty honest when i'm around him. The problem is, he refuses to stop by my cube to chat. So i've been doing most of the stopping-by. and i'm as proud as hell too. i am reluctant to stop by his cube now after noticing that he doesn't reciprocate. so even though there could be potential, since i dont know how much i continue to see myself at this company or in NJ, nothing good can come from it. he's just not that into me if he doesn't make the effort to pursue me. maybe he has a gf, maybe he doesn't think i'm attractive enough. i'm not sure if i really want to care at this point. i'm not fond of finding excuses for people. i really have no time to wait/care about passive guys who may or may not reciprocate my feelings.

3) the GUY in my dance class. So, yesterday i actually found myself looking forward to the dance class on tuesdays... (BAD SIGN!!!) i do not want to get myself into a situation where i have to leave behind in possibly less than 8 months. so the GUY was there, and i sort of felt like he was noticing me too...from our encounter from the past two classes. He definitely seem happy to see me, but then, we know so little about each other. another BAD SIGN. I could feel that during the footwork portion of the class he was trying to stand close to me, and that he was looking at me a lot. i think the attraction at this level is purely physical.

And then of course, my roommate seems to have taken a special interest in him. for some reason i was attacked by these other super awkward guys who were horrible dancers and who had super sweaty hands and who wouldn't leave me alone. And so i never really had a chance to dance with the GUY. So he ended up dancing with my roommate for the most part of the evening and she was having a BLAST. sigh.......she alreasy has someone she's seeing and still, she likes the cute boys and wants the cute boys. we'll just have to see how this thing turns out. this is deifnitely not the first time i'm caught in this situation. and i never like to fight. btw, when i checked his fb link (through the group's facebook page), i was SO SCARED that he could be an undergrad. luckily, he's doing his post-doc and was a chem major.

So i have to admit that i get pretty nervous about this guy too because he's really patient with me and is a good dancer with a cute smile. he's totally at intermediate/advanced level and always sticks around for the beginner's class (for me? not sure). last time we actually did dance a little during the social hour, and he was really funny and kept twirling me around and improvised. and at one point he actually put my hand on his shoulder so that we would be dancing like a real couple and not classroom couple (and i'm sure i blushed like an idiot, like usual).

so this time we kept missing each other because i couldn't leave the really awkward guys who wouldn't leave me. And my roommate actually walked over to him and danced with him for a good while. so as soon as i was free again the next guy who i didn't really want to dance with would come grab me. Finally i couldn't stand it anymore and decided to walk outside the classroom and jsut stood by the door (ididn't really need water, just didn't want to be there anymore because i was tired of waiting). Then as soon as the song with my roommate ended he rushed outside and grabbed my hand and asked me if i wanted to dance....(even my roommate commented on that afterward). We didn't end up dancing togeether in teh end because the song was wayy to fast and we stood around and chatted for 5 min, when he told me that he joined the club because of Liza the instructor. because he's foreign i couldnt' tell if he was 'with her' like they are dating or they are just friends. if they really are dating, he will jsut have to enter my list of men listed above. who i want to have nothing to do with. ...:(

so i felt a little sad today.

4) and then there's that guy in taiwan who i liked so much when i was 15. and this time i saw him i was feeling super sad. because after telling him everything his response was that i hid my feelings really well, he didnt' know i liked him back at all.

and so my luck with men goes...

男人運壞到想發火

Salsa class

So last week after discussing it with my roommate forever and never put it to action, we went to the salsa class at Princeton University for the first time. the first hour was somewhat a tramatizing experience for me because we actually inadvertently joined their intermediate class. My roommate was able to handle it, but i was a super beginner. so i pretty much looked like a dumb a** the whole time, not even knowing my basic steps. I'm sure i looked super robotic and my footwork was all wrong, which probably made all my rotating dancing partners mad because they were trying to lead me, and i wasn't following. :/

So this time we went to the BEGINNER'S class. It was A LOT more fun because i actually got the basic footwork down, so i was making some pretty nice twirls and switching positions with my partner. I could actually dance the whole song salsa-style! :D Although i still somewhat suspect that i look robotic from the waist up, that's still a HUGE improvement from what i know before. My hope is that, by the end of the fellowship year, i can hit the salsa clubs and actually have fun in them (disclaimer: not like the usual night clubs. as seen in movies, people actually go to dance salsa...:) like Jennifer Aniston in Along Came Polly?) When done right salsa can be a super fun and sexy dance (as seen in Dancing with the Stars)....

Anyway, the class, oddly enough, actually have a lot of guys enrolled in it. I was expecting some really scary awkward nerds (from my ballroom dancing experience in college), but these guys were all really nice and courteous, no one was aggressive or pervertive in anyway. So that's a big relief. And a lot of them are actually international. So you've got italian, swedish, indian...etc. Not a bad thing, but i also suspect that if i develop a little crush on any of them, might not be the smartest thing to do, since 1) they dont have a car, 2) they can't legally reside here in the US, and 3) they will leave. so most likely, friend potential at most. :/ As much as i find accents cute and european culture amazing....

ok. thinking too much. gotta hit the bed now. let's hope i turn into a salsa-dancing goddess in 40 weeks!

things that have gone super downhill have come back up again :)

so a while ago, i was actually pretty pissed at certain aspects of my job. i was...i guess, dis-satisfied, for reasons i will have to go into later because it's quite late here. in a few words, dislike for some of my coworkers and people on my team, not sure if this fellowship is going where, the things i wanted to happen sort of fell through, on and on. Plus the homesickness, i was in a real emotional funk. I still remember the day when i got really upset after work because someone said something that made me feel a certain way.

but then i also believe that, whenver things turn out to be the worse, they always come back up, one way or another. Because it can't get any worse (well, actually i suppose it can, but unless i do something terribly wrong, like hitting someone with a pan and therefore getting fired). But again, i try not to make work all of my life. so even getting fired isnt' the end of the world. but i digress.

Anyway, so today i found out that the super intense guy on my team will be moving to support another therapeutic area (yippe!). I was just getting myself to accept the fact that if it's someone like that who is competitive and aggressive and two faced and always on your back, i can't expect to not have to ever deal wtih someone like that. and now he's leaving my workstream! without me actually doin anything to make it happen.

secondly, i had originally want to go on a shadowing trip in december to broaden my fellowship experience, and it was orginally agreed on, and then was cancelled by the other person due to a meeting conflict. i was really sad about that because that's a very hard to come by opportunity for me, seeing my team is not very supportive of specifically carving out things for me to do. I pretty much have to fight for all these opportunities to happen, one way or another. So when i found out today that, the shadowing is back ON again, because the meeting got moved for some reason. i was like OH YEAH! :D

another quick bit, i have realized that although i still may not love my team because of certain things they do or do not do, i can learn to get along with them by pretending taht i actually like them. therefore dissolve the unfamiliarity and animosity toward them. i still have my personal feelings toward them and i stand corrected, but we can start over. and things are already turning for the better. i just have to keep at it, by at least making a lunch date/coffee date with them each week and stay persistent. my goal is to have one 'professional lunch' with someone each week.

Lastly, i have also been pushing forever to go to a conference of some sort, and i think it may actually happen this time (fingers crossed) because my boss found a good opportunity and is going to try to push for me. on top of that, the BIG boss also approved that i work on a meeting planning. I'm also helping with a strategy lead in the team on planning a project.

Divine intervention. :) Thank you.

Halloween and somethings i've done lately

Quick update about my Halloween:

SUPER DUPER FUN Field of Terror: a farm where they transformed cornfields into haunter hayrides, haunted barn, and haunted corn field maze. :) It's like your all worst nightmares rolled into one, with abandoned buses/boats, zombies, dead animals, trailors, psychos, obstacle course... LOVE IT!

House party: Was really fun. met a super nice girl who talked about Jersey Shore and the whole italian american phenom with me a lot. and they served home-made taco's (yum).. then

Triumph: a brewery in Princeton. I FINALLY got to try the pumpkin ale, which was super yummy! not really made with pumpkins at all, but it tasted like October! and i entered the halloween contest as a 80's girl, where as my friend entered as a dead bride. It was good to meet new friends.

Sports bar in Princeton: again, a fun place to hang out and watch sports. the new people i met in the group were super nice and charming. we also checked out...

Twist: a yummy frozen yogurt place in downtown princeton. Did i say they serve mochi and tapioca in your frozen yogurt?? I can eat that stuff forever.

Alchemist and Barrister: a charming little restaurnat/bar in princeton. Must have been like a hundred years old. The decor is so retro with exposed red bricks and hardwood bar/floor. Serves kick-ass traditional food, like london-broil.

Halo Pub: NOT a pub that serves alcohol. Rather, the most famous is their ice cream. The best of the 3 places in princeton (compared to The Bent Spoon as well as Thomas Sweet). the ice cream cakes they serve come with smiley faces too. so delicious!

Winberie: likst Alchemist and Barrister, also a charming little antiquish looking bar/restaurant that serves really good italian food.

Tortugas: probably considered by the locals the best/authenic mexican in town. BUT, coming from California, my bar is a little higher. so i would say it's a 6 in my book. Not the best fish taco i've had but acceptable. There's plenty in baja california that can kick Tortuga's butt. I would say, leave the mexican food to the californians.

The Bent Spoon: a somewhat overpriced organic ice cream place that will burn a hole in your pocket.

Thomas Sweet: not a bad choice for machine whipped (?) ice cream but a bit on the sweet side for me. not sure if i ordered the wrong thing.

Sakura Express: love the big portion of fish, esp in their sashimi lunch/dinner. not super authentic but tolerable. Again, you can't compare everything to back home.

I think that's it..for Princeton for now. :)

Because I'm gonna kick your a** at work...

Disclaimer: angry posts make me sound bitcher than i actually am. :)



So today is another classic day which totally reminds me of why i really hate any social event limited to only fellows from my company. I can only take it in small doses. another minute spent with them after 1 hr makes me want to hurt myself (or one of them). people are still pretty cliquey, and i really just can't' deal with these 23-yo east-coasters who think they are the hot sh*t just cuz they got in the fellowship program. Everything they say, intentionally or not, sounds childish and extremely douchbaggy. there's this girl who has expressed multiple times that when she interviewed for my position she found out that there is no way she'd want to do this (my job). and today she expressed it again (what a rude thing to say). and it's been 3 months and whenever i go to the social gathers they act really aloof (even my roommate can vouch for that). I've said this before and i'm going to say it again, i suspect that a lot of the animosity/unfriendliness towards me is due to the fact that they are jealous of me and what i get to do on my job. I don't like talking about what i do in front of them because i always get that sour expression (then don't ask!). i'd be missing lunch or their social gathering for a couple days then when i do show up, i'm asked why i have been 'missing in action', and when i said i've been off site in this meeting with another company who we do our joint adventure for our drug with, i get this 'look'. Weekly I am sitting in meetings only 2nd year fellows or senior management get to go to. The medical information fellows (who pretty much sit at the call center all day and write response letters for customers) prolly hate that they can't dip their pen in my ink. It's so much easier for me to plug myself into one of their projects (and i have) jsut so i can put that on my resume. i've also been reaching out to other departments and requesting for projects with regulatory/marketing/clinical operations. I dont think i'm competitive unless i'm challenged/pissed. and that's when i get competitive with the boys. since i dont see them AT ALL as romantic partners it's much easier for me to show them down. I think if anything it gives me more incentive to make them feel worse about their positions and feel scared about what i can become. I already kind of gave them a taste of what i'm capable of during my presentation to the whole group last week (the general comments i got was that i really kicked a** during my presentation in front of the fellowship class and appeared confident). Well, because i really wanted to show my coworkers my capabilities i finished the presentation 3 weeks before the date and consulted multiple people within the company and rehearsed it for 3 nights straight to memorize the slides. So yes, be very scared. if you dont' want to play nice, i won't play nice with you either.

and this anger is only directed toward people who work in my immediate company. some of the other fellows are pretty cool from the other companies, and some of them are of course, still douchy. the ones who are super douchy are generally 1) younger because they did the accelerated program (which is a total unfair lie because there's no way you can decide you want to be a pharmacist in high school and receive a pharmD without going through college. no wonder the doctors don't respect us because the east-coast pharmacy students are like in their 20s and don't know anything about life) and 2) very ignorant because they've never seen much out side of Jersey. they've never seen much of california or anywhere else in the world. and they have WAYYY too much jersey pride considering the ****hole they live in. The NORMAL fellows are usually from out of state and are well-traveled and have seen the world and know that people can be DIFFERENT.

and the ironic thing is: i'm not dying to have the things they have. i dont care about plainsboro and this place filled with bad drivers and little civilization. I'm doing this just so i can get awesome experience to put on my resume and move on to the next thing. my dream job is never to work in pharma. it's to become a travel channel correspondent and share my life with the people who i love and not jealous freaks who are so self-absorbed.

A very good Sunday...

I have been going into the city for 3 consecutive weeks now. And everytime right before I would sort of dread it for no apparent reasons, sometims laziness, sometimes just plain old social anxiety. But I always come home feeling great about having decided to join my friend in the city. I will chronicle my other adventures in my next few posts, but the following is what I did today in the Big Apple on a very cold and rainy day:

Missed the Susan G. Komen 5K walk/run for Breast Cancer: because i really couldn't wake up to catch the train at 612am on a Sunday morning, so i slept in for the cause.

Broadway on Broadway:
This is a once a year event during which different broadway musicals would showcase a piece of their music. This year was no exception. we got quite lucky and stayed close to the side of the stage. Kelsey Grammer was there to present some of these singing/dance numbers. Some of my favorites: Phantom (of course), The Addams Family, Chicago, Billy Elliot, Memphis, In the Heights...etc. Although i almost got pedal edema from standing too long, it was REALLY enjoyable.

Chelsea Market:
Another awesome indoor market which i LOVE (right after the ferry building in SF, Quincy Market in Boston, and Redding Market in Philly). Basically a huge antiquish building with different vendors and restaurants inside where you can casually walk through and buy foods you want to have. We decided to stop by the Lobster Store where they sell fresh seafood. i picked a super worthy sushi/sashimi combo for only $15, and my friend ordered a made-to-order crab sandwich. We then got coffee on our way out.

Bloomingdale:
Definitely a good dept store if you want nice, fashionable, and pricey clothing. I dont have the savings right now to splurge on something like that. To be quite honest all the brands they carry in Bloomingdales are very pretty pieces, but i gotta stick with my Jersey outlets with Ann Taylor, Loft, BR for now until i have the luxury to buy pretty 'play clothes' again. I dont know how people in nyc can afford to dress chic everyday.

Ten Ren Tea Time:
YES! went to tapioca milk tea in Chinatown because we were both craving it big time. Me living in Jersey and am just really deprived of chinese food/beverages. Everytime I'm in Chinatown i want to buy/eat everything. I dont even have Pho around where i live! and i miss all the HK style BBQ ducks. Anyway, the tea was really yummy. such comfort food on a rainy day.

Last Stop - Tai Pan Bakery
A Chinese bakery in Chinatown. We both got Asian bread (i got pineapple bread, bbq pork bun, and some egg tarts). I have to say that asian breads are still the better tasting breads out there. I devoured 3 of these 5 buns i got right after i got home.

In between these stops, i definitely caught up with my friend about everything: career, relationshiop, school, people at work, own expectations...etc. We then headed back to NY Penn station where we bidded each other farewell. (sigh). I miss my all my friends. I feel really lucky that I am close to these people who keep me going through it all.

:(

最近工作的事雖然很順利 適應的也不錯
可是我爸好像身體不是很舒服 讓我越來越牽掛
工作起來也不太帶勁 就算想拼也好像少了動力
覺得一年之後就算有夢寐以求的機會留我我也想走....:(
不知道該怎麼辦

窮到想發火之二

I'm sorry that i feel so aweful i had to write a second post to elaborate...but after paying off my credit card bill today i feel pretty darn pissed off again. I now seriously have nothing in my checking..:*(. Originally i wanted to see if by xmas i can save up enough to buy a ticket to go back to Taiwan, and now i feel that i'm even farther from that reality.

And the truth is, i haven't been spending that much. It's these little things in life you pay for that add up to a lot. I dont' even have enough in my account to pay for this month's rent + utility until my next pay check comes in. this is called 'living paycheck to paycheck' for reals. And now i feel somewhat dispair because I can't enjoy a cup of starbucks coffee or eat out at a nice restaurant or go into the City (nyc) without feeling guilty. AND i need to save up enough to buy nice coats/boots for the winter. Judging from the weather, it's already turning a bit chilly at night, it won't be long until i have to set out to the outlet to buy winter clothes. and i have no $. :*(

I am still getting these newsletters from Zappos about their shoes..and i'm looking at these nice boots that will look good with work clothes and are stylish and comfortable enough to dress up or down, and yet i prolly wont' be able to afford them. I have 4 pairs of boots right now, one from Marshalls from clearance of last year, one from forever 21 (super paper thin material), and one ankle boots I got when i was in nyc last january, the last pair, the ONLY pair i can wear to work, is also the only pair i wore to all of my east coast interviews which I got from Nine West outlet several years ago. THAT and i have only one set of suit. I'm looking at these conference i have to go to that are in consecutive days in the winter and i wonder how i'm gonna be able to pull that off wearing the same thing top to bottom every single day.

ok i'm gonna shut up now. the only solution is to wait it out until i make real salary. until then...:(

入不敷出的生活

Since the beginning of my fellowship, i've sort of forced myself to live on a super budget. I realized that it would be hard, but in actuality it's even harder than i imagined to try to save with so little earnings. My fellowship program compensates very poorly, as they do with all post-graduate trainings such as residency. Before i graduated from pharm school, at least I lived at home which saved me a lot in terms of rent. What i made at the pharmacy, although not much, was enough for entertainment purposes and what not. However, rent does make a huge difference, considering i'm now paying that along with all of my credit card spendings. Although NJ doesn't have sales tax on clothings, and i don't dine out now nearly half as much as i did in LA, utilities is VERY expensive especially around where I live. And my room is tiny for the price i pay. And this is already the cheapest deal I could find at the time of my house hunt. I am super glad i never decided to get a one bedroom apt on my own (never crossed my mind). And that i also decided to live super close to work that definitely saves gas.

So pretty much since I moved here, it's been a bit hard for me to get by. I was shocked the first by how expensive utilities are when my roommate showed me the statements. So i have to put aside about that much money each month for rent + utilities. Then it's the grocery bill. A large amount of my monthly spending is now attributed to grocery. I have decided to try to only eat out during the weekends. So from monday to friday i pack my own breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I go to the cheapest market in the area. So a $60 grocery bill can last me around 2 weeks. But then since i'm still at the very initial stage of moving in, i have only one set of EVERYTHING. It doesn't help that i also have to dress up professionally everyday. So that i am really in need of acquiring new clothes that also have to have good quality because people do step it up around here. There's nothing i can hide without my 'white coat'. And the furniture, the life necessities...etc. I think last week i was really hitting a point of frustration. I was realizing how much i'm spending the cash i withdrew. I allowed my self to only withdraw a certain amount of cash per month, and i'm feeling that i need to increase my trip to the ATM at least 2 times a month.

I of course realize the benefit of learning to live on a tight budget. I spend more smartly and more carefully now. But it's also hard in a way that i also feel extremely frustrated about the situation and from time to time, understanding why some women marry for money (this ONLY happens occasionally as we all know i'm the biggest feminist on earth). It's just that I feel that i spend so much time in discount stores like Ross, Marshall, TJ Maxx, outlet stores, Target, Walmart, and sales racks of every single stores at the mall. and don't get me wrong, I love a good deal and it makes me feel victorious (Thanks eBay commercial). But it's also frustrating because the Marshalls out here are really horrible. the clientele is much different. everything has literally one size left and they are spread all over the store. I often have to spend hours at the 'clearance' rack searching for a swimsuit, beach towel, sandals, gym clothes, or any life necessity i didn't bring with me from CA. And of course some of these things look like returned items that are on final sale, ie. not very appealing, and sometimes i just walk out the store in frustration because literlaly only people size 10+ can find what they need in there. I still have trouble finding shoes my side that are presentable at the office, and i still only own one suit which i brough from CA because i can't find any size 0 out here.

All complaints aside, i have been able to secure someof the items which i really need, from my trip to TJ Maxx and Ross today: salad spinner (i had to dry the lettus with paper towelf for the longest time), a Samsonite computer bag (the one provided by work is super bulky and heavy and without a strap, i just couldn't take it anymore), beach towel (the only one i had was thrown away due to a freak accident), umbrella (have been borrowing my roommate's), a pair of $3 flip flops (for shower at the gym), sports bra (my normal bras are currently doubled as my sports bra and are losing their shape), a nice CK coat (because it's half off and i know i will need it for the winter), an addidas gym bag that costs $10 (because i have been using random plastic bags to carry all my gym stuff down stairs. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just really frustrating. I am now in my late twenties, and i still don't see myself living the lifestyle i wish to have one day. I still live in random apartments from year to year. The apartment is filled with random pieces of furniture from craigslist. my own room looks like a college girl's room. i still sleep on a twin size bed in order to save room. I am going for the discount of the discounts. and i'm still struggling with work. as much as i like what i do, i'm starting to resent some aspects of it, which i will get into later. overall, the goods > bad. there are still moments that remind me why i liked industry so much in the first place.

The only good news is, i have been able to find ways to fly out to CA on the company, for recruitment events. but tickets to tw will still be painful which i need to start thinking about. I am still serious about not wanting to be a trophy wife who spends all her day shopping the most expensive of dept stores and not wait for things to go on sale. but today i spend 40minutes staring at watch collections because i really needed one, but couldn't make up my mind because it was $55. and i'm still not living in a single-girl apt with expose red bricks and a nice worn leather chair and anthropologie-like clothese collections and a nice bf. That's what really gets me down sometimes at the end of my day amidst my bargain-hunting at Ross.

How do you have it all

常常覺得
越來越不知道
我要的是甚麼

工作上
感情上
生活上
我要的東西有好多 卻又不能夠留住不放手
這好像也是我自己咎由自取的關係吧
我想要陪在我在乎的人的身邊
卻又不肯停下腳步 所以一直走 一直走 一直走

遇到了異性 常常會想自己是否喪失了愛人的能力
心如止水
這是正常的嗎
還是只是因為動物學習的能力 讓我覺得
不可能 也不想要再感覺到失望的感受

要怎麼樣 才能和自己想要的人事物
長廂廝守
要怎麼樣 才能再在自己喜歡的工作裡 忙碌了一天之後
回到愛的人身邊
而不是一再又一再的單打獨鬥

這樣的犧牲
到頭來
到底值不值得?

A brief update

So today was just as crazy as yesterday...my life has sorta resorted to the same elements: Great work experience + somewhat sucky fellow Fellows + great roommate + surburbian life in a suburbian community. Other than the sucky fellows, i've pretty much come to enjoy everything else.

Work: Every day is getting more interesting than the previous one because more and more I am realizing the responsibilities i have with my position. More and more it is being mapped out to be through talking to my bosses and my peers. Today I met with a few people who work in clinical trials or on other drugs. And I feel great that they are willing to invite me to meetins where I can gain more exposure about potential areas I want to work in. On top of that, I got to participate in a teleconference which i'm expected to take over next time. It's pretty much talking to the vendor we work with and authors of these papers to make sure that are studies are being published in a timely matter. It's interesting that before I started this job i never put much thought into any of the publications i read. I mean, they are just studies that SOMEONE conducted and SOMEONE put in a journal for us to read. But i'm realizing it more that everything is a business strategy. The kind of studies your company decides to sponsor, the kind of topics they want, the kind of journals they want to get published in, the kind of audiences they want to reach...etc. There's so much being put into consideration before you fully see a study in its entirety (hopefully) in a scientific publication. On top of that, i got to talk on the phone with a few authors to varify their ideas and communicate that with our internal scientific writers so she can put the ideas into words (not all authors pen their own studies). Anyway, LOTS of interesting things happening around here. I try really hard because i want to get as much out of it as I can. and i'm not talking about a job because that's the last thing on my mind (sort of). I WANT to get excited about what we have in the pipeline and meeting all of these senior people in the company and making connections, but somehow a part of me (and i'm assuming that's the part that makes me stay grounded) is that i miss home, whether that's CA or tw.

fellow Fellows: still a mess i really hate to talk about. So i joined them yesterday at the happy hour and today at lunch (they pretty much have lunch everyday together). Tonight some of them are also heading to our local Hooters for some cheap beer and hot wings. And tomorrow we have a birthday lunch for one of the fellows and we also have a bbq and a bowling night lined up. And i'm not counting all the other networking events we do with the fellows from the OTHER companies. so you get an idea of how much people like to hang out with their co-workers. I personally feel that business is business and it's rare that you find true friends in the same industry, but that's my theory. All of my closest friends happen to be doing different things than I am and it's been working out great. When we get together we can talk freely about work and life in the general without worrying that someone might know someone i know. and yet this is turning into a circus with always having to invite the ENTIRE BMS fellowship class in fear of leaving someone out. BUT, if you do attend and do decide to leave early, people think you're a party pooper, BUT, if i do show up and do try to engage others in a conversation i feel that they are getting super east-coast cliquey. so in a way i'm kind of caught in a difficult situation because i'm not making much progress here. I WISH i could jsut meet other local people and forget about this whole being BFFs with your coworkers deal, however this is the reality i have to face everyday. I have slight suspicion that of course this can be attributed to 1) they dont have that many asian friends and feel uncomfortable around me 2) they are losers who don't know how to have a good time other than drinking beer and getting pissed drunk and 3) they are simply jealous. Theory 1 of course isn't completely fair, because there's a couple who seem nice, and from the other companies there are non-asian fellows who i super clique with, and even within BMS, there are MBA inters who i met during socials who are proposing ideas to hang out and get food. So i dont know if it's just these pharm fellows who have traditionally stuck with their own white/indian counterparts and never thought much about people other than their own race. and Theory 2 is because yes, they do go out and drink like every single day. But also the weirdest phenomenon is that, pharmacy people love to stick with each other. So even if everybody goes out and tries to have a good time i see no point getting drunk with the same people every night who you DO NOT want to go out with, and i really doubt that they got game at bars/clubs because (and i can say this) c'mon, we are not the business/social sci people who are blessed in the genetic department. Our guys and girls just like to SOUND like they got game but they dont. imo. Theory 3: i love my position as a fellow but obviously the guys who got the suckier (in my book) fellowships have got nothing to do but basic training. So the fact that i'm already thrown into these important meetings and have a ton of things to do and drive to off-site meetings with our joint-venture company does not please these fellows AT ALL. I would have to miss our lunch a couple days and then when I do show up they question why i was away and when i did explain i get this 'look' on their face. Maybe they dont think i'm good enough, maybe they are just mad that they still sit around at lunch for a full hour every day because they dont have urgent meetings to get to, and I'm already missing some of our fellowship meetings due to meeting conflicts. I don't know which part they are mad about. but honestly, I can care less. I'm sort of at the point where i've had enough of these people who show very little civility towards me since i got here. I know i'm capable of making new friends and i'm outgoing and friendly and not a prick so the problem must lie within them. which goes back to my 2nd theory that you really just CAN'T be friends with your colleagues. acquainances may be, but if your field is really that competitive people can diss you for whatever reason. And i'm starting to feel like they can bond with each other all they want. I didn't move all the way out here to please my fellow workers so much i can't focus on my work. Well that, and if anything i'd rather find a bf before I find a bff out here. so they should be the least of my concerns. ;)

time for bed now!

Parents left but otherwise a good day :(

Today is the day my parents fly back to tw which makes me a little sad. because of the time difference i also was trying hard to give them a call before they get on the flight. luckily by the time i was done with my busy monday they were still waiting to board. :(.....still makes me really sad. I really don't want this for the rest of my life. I hate saying goodbyes. it always sucks. but then that also hinders me so much because whenever something goes south here at work or in cali, i always think 'screw this, i'm going HOME'. well, NOT a good mindset when you're trying to make a mark in your field.

Despite that, it was actually a pretty good day. It was, though, a crazy monday. i walked in the office and found out about an unexpected all-day meeting that is required of all new hires/fellows. However, i had about 4 meetings scheduled throughout the day! I freaked out and asked the admin to reschedule the less important meet-and-greets, and the one i REALLY want to go to is a sales training where i will be shadowing two pharmacists training the sales reps. I am expected to take over that in the future so i'd really like to see how it is conducted this time. So i asked to be excused from the morning session of the new hires training and went to the sales training for the morning. And i must say, it didn't look too bad at all. it was just like giving a lecture to none-scientists and yet these people are more enthusiastic and more inquisitive than most pharm students you will ever find. I think i will enjoy this task when i take over. Definitely something to look forward to.

I then finished the day with the second half of the new hires training, met up with one of my preceptors and discussed the studies i read over the weekend and our most recent data, and had a meeting with a scientific writer who i will be working with who also interviewed me when i came in last time. I had felt like she really liked me during the interview and today she said she actually remembers me and was happy to find out i got the job. :)

anyway, still liking what i do on a day to day basis. only wish i could be with the people i care for more. :(

一點也不勇敢

Slowly but firmly, I am trying to make myself like it more here. I still think the jughandle and the road condition suck. But I have a pretty good idea of where everything is now with a map in my head. I have now discovered most of the areas within an hour away from me, partly thanks to my iphone accident (twice) which made me drive out to these far-away malls, partly thanks to the immediate urgency of having to buy work clothes so i needed to located the nearest shopping centers and outlets. It's surprising that even without a GPS I have already felt pretty much like a local. I mean, the roads here are not nearly half as complicated as the freeways in Cali, and what people here call "traffic" is merely a little stop here and there at the red light. There is nothing an LA gal cannot handle (perhaps nyc traffic i'll say). So it does feel good that i can now even give pretty good directions and run lots of errands on my own without having to stop in between.

However even with this small accomplishment in my life, i'm still not loving it completely here. I suppose most aspects of my life here are pretty good: i get along with my roommate REALLY well, we make plans to go to dinners at the closest chain restaurants which i love, and we run errands together and hang out together. She really is a sweetheart. And within the general program i've identified a few people who i really like. Although they are not physically at my company, i look forward to lecture days when we can all get together.

However, i'm still not comfortable with the situation that, despite my good effort, i still dont bond very well with the people i immediately work with at my own company. i'm not talking about my supervisors, rather, the other fellows. Like i mentioned before, there's just this 'wall' between us. By now i've carpooled with the douchebaggy guys about 2 times now, and still my opinions of them are not getting any better. Still they are completely consumed with kissing a**, with my secretly snarky comments have gone un-noticed (they are THAT thick-headed). the other girls although i'm friends with, sort of have their own fun as well. i'm attributing this (still) to the fact that maybe they just don't feel that comfortable with me ethnically, and maybe our inherent personality difference that they have refused to age pass the age of sorority years. i want to cringe everytime i hear someone talk. and they already speak of partying it up in phiilly and nyc come September. and they want to hang out ALL THE TIME still. make plans for lunch every single day, make plans for the weekend, make plans so that we can make FUTURE plans about going into the city. it was literally driving me up the wall. My theory is, i dont even see my best friend that much so i definitely dont need to see my colleague every single day. I dont know about them, but i'm not buying this instant BFF stuff. i have slight suspicion that if i the tense situation continues and i give up to try to bond with them completely, i will really not gel with the fellows at BMS at all. but the idea of having to spend a weekend in new york with them is really not making me comfortable. can i please have the other fellows at my company who are not super hyper 24/7 and who don't have attachment issues like regular adults?!

Despite that, i try to appreciate the simpler things in my life. I have now come to like the small towns and some fields next to my city. they are cute and charming, and i may never have this experience again. I'm also liking the fact that because there is a lot of lands and reservoirs here, our companies have some really stunning views and locations. i just recently enjoyed two days at a different office where the building faces a huge lake. absolutely breathtaking. :) I have now also checked out most of the coffeeshops where i can get free wifi while studying. So aside from Borders and B&N and Starbucks which we have in CA, there's a cute little shop called It's a Grind. It's like one of those cute european bakeries with yummy pastries and these large couches where you can just sit around and chat with friends, except i was there to study. :( I also love the fact that there are trails that i can jog on. the golf course is within walking distance and when the sun is setting it feels really nice. along with the fireflies. Today I finally stopped by the closest Asian market, and i must say that its merchandise is plenty. almost everything i can think of it carries. it also has a chinese food section where you can purchase side dishes to go. doesn't taste super great, but is adequate enough. However, half of the market STINKS. the stench was so bad i couldnt bear to stay long. they really need to do something about that so americans dont think asian people love to live in filth. the seafood department just needs a cleanup/odor reduction.

Overall, ive been talking to some of my friends from cali and i really appreciate everyone's concern and support. it's still really hard, and i'm fighting the unhappy thoughts everyday. but i'd like to think, at the end of all this, something good will come out of it. at least i really do love my job right now.


P.S. newest New Brunswick spot visited: Harvest Moon

DB's and a ton of networking events

There seems to be no way for me to properly begin this update about my last week. I got really sick from all of the networking events I had to attend. They weren't entirely no fun, but they were just WAY too much. I dont even know where to begin. There are days where we would have as much as 4 socials (morning, lunch, afternoon, happy hour), and on friday it just completely went over board with first a whole day of bonding activities like playing games in teams to get to know each other better, then we all got completely rained on, which explains why i felt extremelly ill over the weekend. The day didn't end there. We then went to 2 happy hours back to back: Stuff Yer Face and Olive Branch in New Brunswick. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I mean, not everyone in the program is a complete douche. I only have problem with most of the fellows at BMS but not everyone in the program. Sadly, the people who i click with more are all fellows from other companies. The guys who i carpooled with to the school events on Friday were from BMS as well and they were completely psycho. Our event went from 8 to noon then the 2 happy hours lasted until 5pm and they still didn't want to go home. I had to basically tell them that i have plans with my roommate (which was true) and literally dragged them out of there. And by then they were still texting on their DB blackberry about poker games with previous year's fellow while we were sitting in the car. In the meantime they could not say enough good things about these social events. I GET IT, YOU LOVE TO MAKE CONNECTIONS. you love to party, you love to pretend every joke the director tells is the funniest sh*t you've ever heard in your life. Even other fellows were coming over to me and telling me that these guys were too much of kiss asses. all i could say was, just be glad you are not at BMS.

During these networking events i usually try to circulate and talk to different people. most of them are nice and normal. but there are some who are complete turn offs. I personally feel somewhat unfortuante that i'm at this company as opposed to the others that are more laid back. We have the biggest number of fellows of all the companies, and i'm the only one not from the east coast and is an asian female. it normally doesn' tbother me but i'm feeling some animosity or indifference from the other fellows. some of the other girls were down right bitchy, talking like a typicaly sorority girl who makes poor eye contacts and talked only of drinking and partying nonstop with that annoying valley girl voice. only 2 of the female fellows seem to have some kind of sanity in them. the other guys were all straight up D-bags except two. and you know you are a D bag when you try to apologize for being a D-bag (don't be, you ARE one).

I apologize for the seeminly depressing post. I actually really enjoyed some of these socials and i met some cool people through that and tasted some really interesting beer and tried out cheap fun local bars on the east coast. I am only annoyed at the fact that i am somewhat stuck in the position I have as i explained to my parents today. Because I felt the animosity within my peers in my immediate BMS group i had to push myself harder to prove that I can be one of them. and then i pushed myself in all of the events to be as social as i can be even though i have less of a reason to be as aggressive since my program is: 1-year, and i really don't plan to stay in NJ after this. I guess a part of me just wants to show that 'dont think you're the only person who can do this. i dont have to be a brown nose and i got to where I am and i'm gonna show you how it's done." So that 好勝心 sort of back fired so i lost my voice completely after rushing back from the networking events on friday. I pretty much spent the entire weekend recuperating and just shopping for work clothes because that's the only activity that doesn't require talking very much.

Speaking of shopping, I am definitely becoming more concientious now about my spending since my tiny little pay check won't last me very long. I noticed that what i have from CA is not nearly formal enough for work. it IS formal in my definition, but other female fellows are definitely BRINGING it. So that in terms makes me look somewhat casual. Therefore i set out on a mission to find reasonably priced cute work clothes this weekend. I visited Marshall last weekend and was unfruitful. Then I stopped by the closest little dinky mall this weekend and it was frustrating. didn't have too many shops in it and all of my sizes seemed to be sold out. and i attribute that to the overwhelming Indian population we have here in my area. And i dont mean this in a racist way but Indian females like us share a very petite frame. so you can guess that wherever there is a sale, all of the S, XS are gone. and I'm one lazy female to shop on the frist day of sale so i was left with a bunch of Larges or XL's.

However today, i decided to venture out farther into the closest outlet - the Jackson Premium outlet in NJ. And there was hardly anyone there! unlike the outlets in CA which are located far from the city and full of Asian people (REALLY), it was so empty that you can drive you car from store to store to avoid having to carry your bags. So it was indeed a great shopping day at the outlet. I got 2 pairs of Nine West shoes for under $25 each, and a bunch of tops at CK. I decided to call it a day before i hit Banana or JCrew because I deemed this to be enough for the next couple weeks. I'm still very glad that now i know NJ's taxes are so much lower and no one hangs around the outlet so i can finish all of my shopping there. :D I love it when you can get good quality clothes at bargain price.

Well, i better hit the bed soon. i have been using Cepacol throat spray as well as gargling with salt water and taking Advil for my sore throat. although nothing has improved much i'm getting 50% of my voice back. hopefully this will go away entirely before our next event. sigh.

update tomorrow 病了

sorry...i lied. i'm still feeling really tired tonight, probably due to the cold. gonna try to go to bed early so my sore throat will go away. :(

Redbull conversations (beware of the negativity)

Today is one of those days where I really feel like i need to count my blessings too...so that i don't drift toward the inevitable negativity. Here's a quickview of the ups/downs of the day:

Downs:

Was really trying to be productive about work/passing the board exam, both of which require a huge amount of reading which i completed very little this weekend. But for some reason I just didn't feel like it. because I wasn't feeling too good. so i slept in and took my time with everything.

Had the first ever BMS fellow get-togethers. And quite like i imagined (or feared), some of my suspicions were true. So you can imagine 10 people trying to talk at the same time, each person louder than the other and trying to be funnier than the other. There were literally no breaks. and the same people dominated the conversation (including the one girl who i met up with last week) and talked non-stop about drinking and alcohol and bars and what not. I participated in the conversation but i was pretty annoyed by all of it. basically these people are ALL from the east coast (the furtherest Michigan) and they talk about east coast stuff NON-STOP. I can't quite put my finger on it but i'm not into the idea that we are all going to be BFFs from now on. and that's the f-ing that's annoying the heck out of me. and then it's the ass-kissing fest, everybody apparently wants to stay beyond this year so there was a lot of that already during orientation and during our happy hour they were still talking about these people they met for 5 seconds on orientation day and how wonderful these people are (these people in authority, of course). i mean c'mon, you met the director of your department or your preceptor like 2 days ago and you already decided that they are such wonderful human beings? call me cynical but i tend to like to wait before i make a judgement. maybe that's the un-Americaness about me still. i can fake that enthusiasm, but i dont buy into it. I'm glad that everyone has super high hopes goin into it because i do too, and to me i'm only a tourist on the east coast until i find better reasons to stay. i suppose that's why i can take a step back and just be SANE. imagine more of these socials for the next couple weeks. i think i may have to go out of my mind. I have no problem with people talking about their respective hometowns, but i'm guessing this MOVE to them is only driving down the street to another place to work so it's hardly a move. i really dont give a damn about what they think because i had the balls to move across the continent where i CAN'T go party with my peeps in CA and they can. that means i want this MORE. a lot more than all the ass kissing stacked right on top of each other.

Talked to family on the phone. they are in vegas right now enjoying the buffet. makes me sad because i really miss them and i'm stuck here by myself not knowing anybody really. I miss CA already and my normal friends who dont talk like they are on 5 Redbulls.

Ups:

After my hardwork last night my room looks like a comfy suite now with a nice wobbly desk, a pretty floor lamp, borrowed daybed, collapsable shelf from home and a comfy mattress. and i set it up in a way that everything is organized around you in a basket container or cute little artifacts i got from Europe. ahh...europe. was i really there 3 weeks ago? seems so far now i'm in the middle of nowhere.

Got myself out of the second half of the fellow dinner and went to firework celebration in the next town called Cranbury (you prolly can't even find it on a map :P ). It literally feels like a scene out of Gilmore Girls with a cute little main street with a couple pizza shops and ice cream shops and antiques and used bookstore. My roommate secured a bench looking over the river while I went and got myself a sub. it was definitely awkward for me to be walking for blocks on the mainstreet by myself. that uncomfortable feeling was creeping back with everybody staring at you, even when i walked into the local pizza joint to get a sub. the firework turned into a huge community event, SO MANY local people came and set their chairs up around the park/river. The sight was lovely since lots of people canoed out on the river to see the firework. The trees draped over the water like what i saw in downtown Tubingen where a river ran through and a few houses on the bank. And when the firework started it was beautiful and long. I thought with my Cali snootiness I'd find it lacking but it actually wasn't bad. Of course, if you compared it to Hollywood Bowl firework spectacular or Santa monica pier or Disneyland Park the firework they use here are nothing special, they dont mind heart shapes or change color or play to the sound of music. But because the setting is so pieceful and quiet and the town is charming, i find it quite enjoyable. and then i probably had one tear because i wish i wasn't here witnessing this w/o anyone who i care for. BUT i also realized that if god didn't give me such a great roommate i woudl really be here all by myself. so THAT in itself is a blessing. :)

Anyway, that's the conclusion of my day. tomorrow is a big day we have orientation with fellows from all over NJ so i better get ready for the firecracker conversations that will take place all day tomorrow. sigh.

A bunch of little ones

6/30

Mattress arrived, along with my desk and chair order all from Walmart. The mattress arrived looking like a barrel. So they essentially vaccummed the air out (i didn't know you can do this with spring mattresses) and rolled up the mattress. I sincerely feel horrible for whoever has to deal with my delivery because I specifically chosen Walmart after weighing all my other options (i do not make reckless decisions). The fact that they deliver to your door (i live on the third floor with no elevator access) is like holy grail to me. So I decided against buying stuff off of other people on craigslist because 1) my car wont fit; 2) i can't carry them by myself; 3) i don't want to go to a stranger's house to look at a $10 furniture by myself; 4) i can't bother my roommate cuz she has a job and i barely know her. And if the new stuff cost just as much as some of the stuff people are selling online, and I dont have to pay for delivery or carry these crap up my tiny staircase, then why not? I was HAPPY to finally unpack my mattress, it slowly unrolled and expanded (what a sight) into a medium firm mattress. I super likie! now my room is starting to look more like it.

I met up with a fellow who's also starting at my company for brunch. she seems nice enough. we talked a lot about our fears of moving so far away from home and our backgrounds. i walked away from brunch feeling quite good.

At night my roommate took me to this mexican place in town called On The Border. Pretty good street style mini tacos, and happy hour drinks. will definitely come back (and pretty likely since there's not that many places in town to rotate). :P


7/1: First day @BMS

Today is orientation day. We have about 9 ppl? everyone seems okay. a few definitely give off that snooty vibe but i wasn't going to let that bother me (now). also ran into someone who interviewed me once at the conference and later when i was brought back onsite by other departments pretended not to know me. but NOW he's saying hi and playing the 'we already know each other don't be a stranger' type of thing. this is why i like industry, but hate the people. they are unlike the super chill dudes who actually do the science part of lab work, and more like the greasy business world dudes. So fickle. but i will play your game since i am here.

Went home, crashed. too much socializing sucks me dry. can't be THAT upbeat for THAT long. ironed clothes like mad, and burnt my thumb ouch! ><> restaurants). It was a place inside a small shopping center in the middle of nowhere. the Fileto Pomodoro was not half bad.

When we walked out, someone informed me about my tire being really flat. i decided to stop by a gas station but before I could do that, my tire started making this scary screeching sound I had to pull over and stop. at this point my tire was so flat that it folded itself like a dough. I freaked out and called AAA (third time this year for their service). if my roommate wasn't in the car witih me, i prolly wouldn't have been able to locate myself. i could see a gas station half a mile away and THAT WAS IT! i was parked on a road...that would be my best try as a city girl. Oh, and while i'm at it. i hate the so-called Jughandle Turn...meaning you have to turn RIGHT in order to turn LEFT or make a U-TURN. see this explanation. I am sure the rest of the world agrees with me that it's a stupid design. it makes it super easy for you to pass your destination and have to drive for another 5 min on the highway before you can find an exit that will let you u-turn or left turn, and THEN you'd have to get on the other side, get off, get on this side of the road again for a do-over. so it takes me twice as long to get anywhere.

anyway, SUPER not happy about the indents of today.

7/3:

Stopped by Pepboys to get a new spare. E called and we chatted a bit. i miss her, or rather, the way we used to be. pampered myself and decided to get nails done, and got a call from Ingrid from HI! I love that girl she's super sweet and she's one of the reasons i feel bad about leaving HI at the end of my rotation. You can't always be with the people who you meet in your life who have so much potential to be one of your closest friends. :( Stopped by Marshalls but it's not that great here. the brands are unknown and no work appropriate shoes sold here. The Marshalls in CA are like Nordstrom Rack. I see no reason you need to go to a regular store when Marshall is like the outlet of name brands. but i digress, i'm not in CA right now.
Then stopped by Whole Foods and LOVED the selection of prepared foods there. the sushi looked crappy, but everything else looked yummy. for dinner i had shrimp cocktail and mixed salad bar entrees from Whole Foods. YUM.

7/4:

woke up to some healthy brunch i made: cornbeef hash + bagel with cherry cream chess + milk + vitamine + blueberries + Ranier Cherries. Then went to Borders to try to catch up on some reading for the job. Then stopped by Walmart and got everything i needed (including a screwdriver to finish my furniture assembly).
Went to the pool and swam/sunbathed while on the phone with sis. talked to R on the phone while getting reading to meet a local guy who I contacted for housing but didn't end up living with. Never saw him in person but he turned out to be a lot older (like in his late 40s or 50s? ) The convo was stimulating as we were very similar in backgrounds. He was saying he was happy to meet someone who also stayed in SD, LA, and now here who's also Taiwanese and knows drugs (he teaches pharmacology). Was nice enough to show me around downtown Princeton. However, maybe it's me, but i tend to get a little paranoid about situations like this. I don't think he completely sees me as a daughter in that sense, but i am definitely A LOT younger than he is. I don't mind meeting locals but i don't want unnecessary trouble. he asked if i needed help with anything and i politely declined.

I then came home and assembled my desk, leather chair with air pump, and floor lamp. who needs a man when you've got a working screwdriver? ;)

JUST KIDDING....

6/29: Day 1 (Backdated)

My day started with a phone call from the car shipping company. He was on time, and I was barely waking. Because he couldn’t drive his car inside of this neighborhood I agreed to meet him on the big street out front. However, my building is located on the very inside of this apt neighborhood. 15 min after I started walking he called again and drove my car to meet in the middle. It was a hot, even at 930am.

I then spent the day putting things away. I was happy to reunite with my baby car, which has 80% of my stuff in the back. I now officially have my PJs, my towels, my winter clothes, bookcase and drawers and I am happy. I went to the nearest McD and on the way found an asian market which is located 5 min from me (Joy!).
I have to say I’m missing CA a little already. I’ve discovered about 90% of my immediate surroundings. And I am finding myself wishing that I have company of my friends and family back in CA. Although at this point I find myself handling the pressure/anxiety surprisingly well (I was expecting myself to bawl my eyes out or having to take Xanax). I suppose it’s because the fact that I have my car to drive around and objects I brought from home made it that much better. After I organized everything my room looked surprisingly familiar. Now I am just missing my bed so I can have something to sit on.
A part of me feels that I am too old for this. Living like a college student who still has roommates well into her late twenties and who knows for how much longer. There’s still a lot of pretentiousness so that your roommate doesn’t see how you really are at home. This is the inconvenience associated with having a roommate. The sharing, the splitting of everything. Although it’s a very good way to meet local friends, fast, if they are indeed nice people.
Another part is that ONE is just too small a unit when you’re talking about making future plans. I would like to do a lot of things and go a lot of places. But on days such as today, since I am entering this program by myself, even though I want to explore nearby towns/local areas, I can’t very well walk into an attraction by myself. And then you feel that you’re just spending the day passing time as you go. Whereas the people who you really want to spend time with are back home, in CA or Taiwan. I am doing things that are familiar to me, since this is still within the United States. But I’m at a CVS/Target/McDs/grocery store thousands of miles away from the people who I usually go with. It makes me sad. So in that sense, I doubt that I can do a year in Europe by myself. Well, that and the fact that I would like to be fully functional. I do not wish to be viewed as an exotic being wherever I go.
So now I’m waiting in vain until the moment I start my job. But I must go take a shower now before I crash on the couch for another night.

6/28: Day 0 (Backdated)

Possibly the longest time I’ve ever spent on a trip to the east coast. I believe time-wise it’s matched the time needed to travel to Asia/Europe. For some reason I haven’t been having much luck with flying. This time, with terrible air traffic delay, having to sit in the airport and non-airconditioned aircraft for hours, having to miss my pick up shuttle which stops running at 9pm, and having no private sedan to come get me when the dispatcher forgot to call. This at the end of a very depressing day when I had to leave my family behind. Somehow the earliness of departure helped because I was too tired in the morning and too rushed to register the sadness. It will be a while until I see them. L But when I finally got to my apt in NJ around midnight, I had forgotten about all that again. I just wanted to crash after a 12 hr trip which could have been significantly reduced to five. My first impression of NJ: hot and humid in the summer. Just like Taiwan.

p.s. I sat next to a nice older man who also works for a ophthalmic drug company in San Diego. He was good company but somewhat awkward. Glad we are in the same field and that he was able to give me a lot of interesting insight although I am still at the very budding stage of my career.

Welcome new blog

Because I want to break free from the shadow of my old blog, I decided to start a brand new one that's associated with my brand new gmail account. I am guessing the writing style will pretty much stay the same, judging from my past futile efforts of trying to be positive in my diary-style blog. I have come to terms that I can be pretty negative, and yet the little wonders in life still can make me pretty high for no reason. So i'm using this as my therapy. and with fingers crossed hopefully my dark side will be reduced to minimum and in turn I will become a better person with each day passes.