Because it always ends like this

Exactly one week after the dance class which made me feel super bad about my sheepishness around the guy i like.

And today it further sealed the fate with him.

My roommate is SMITTEN with the guy. on the way home she was giggling like a little girl and asked me to guess who it is she has a thing for. Well, considering the fact that she tries to flirt with him LOUDLY during the couple dance, it's hard not to guess who she likes. And she had to force me to guess. so i had to spit out HIS name. at which moment i feel that i have lost all interests to continue to go to class. because it's just going to make me feel bad.

Maybe it's the way i acted indifferenly, maybe it's the fact that he didn't persist like i wish he would, maybe it's the fact that i know if i continue liking him it will turn into something sad and hard to leave at the end of the year, maybe it's the fact that i sensed my roommmate is in love with him, or maybe it's the fact that i'm just pessimistic about relationships in general.

It kind of doesn't matter anymore.

It would be nice. to stop caring. I might continue to go, to get better, at dancing, my job, computer, whatever language/skills i once learned to impress someone who i once liked. but it won't be for anybody else but for myself now. Because it makes me feel too bad to to rely on someone to make me happy. i no longer wish that my mood be affected by someone not staying for the social hour after dance class, someone who leaves class early, someone who also makes people around me feel dizzy and giggly, someone who i have nice chats with at work but will never do anything further, or someone who is emotionally unavailable.

I don't ever want to feel vulnerable and sad again.

誰應該與我相遇

不是在說劉墉的書
是在說一個人
我等很久都等不到的一個人
連住在哪都不知道
長的甚麼樣子
我看了會不會臉紅
我遇到了沒有
都不知道

只知道對自己的被動很沮喪
對自己因為運不好必須主動而很沮喪
怎們別人那麼簡單
自己卻越來越害怕因為年紀大了
更沒有辦法受傷
所以想太多

今天又一次
讓自己失望
我想
我所有喜歡過的人
應該都不知道吧
還是感覺不到
我其實很緊張
因為我在乎

你如果過來牽我的手
我會抓住
我想說的
也只有這樣而已

Why it is mentally hard for me/ the daily struggle i go through

Things that make me happy and sad at the same time:

1) Walking around Princeton University: I used to grow up thinking that i want to go to one of the ivy league schools. And this was some dream i had when i was very young, without having a very good grasp of what that actually entails. So now of course i realized that i didn't go to a ivy league school or probably never will (unless i change my mind about getting another degree). And I actually didn't move out to the east coast for the ivy league school...so walking around it makes me feel sad. You grow up to realize that the degrees that are a realistic measure of intelligence or job prospect may not actually be offered at the school you want to go to. And so i probably could choose to do a one year degree program in some international studies/economics/one of those random majors these schools keep creating for foreign students with a lot of money but no idea what they want to do, which i can totally get in and do that east-coast/ivy-league school thing for a year, and feel really, really smart and good about myself, i prolly never will. Yes, very superficial i know. But aren't we all like that to a certain degree? I guess it's something about the 18-century looking campus, and actually taking a class in a building like that, and talking about some deep, deep philosophy stuff, on a really pretty automn day. Sigh, even their dorms are look like churches in europe.
And I mentioned this because I am now taking salsa class once a week on the PU campus. walking amongst the students, but being so much older, and i'm actually done with my graduate degree, and therefore i have a 'work life' with annoying co-workers who i have no interest in, and seeing the students who still are so carefree, make it all the more sentimental for me.

2) Visiting New York: Yes, i have the luxury to pop into the City every now and then when i feel like it. And when i'm in the city i REALLY want to be in the city. I hate the fact that I am on the east coast, but I live closer to farmlands then a nice european coffee house. So, as much fun as i have when I am in the city with my friends in the lower east side, hell's kitchen, time square, chinatown, and all of these cute boutique stores and cafes and restaurants, at the end of the day, i have to catch that train back to NJ because i don't actually live in the city. I know i shouldn't be picky, but by living in NJ, i'm even farther away from either cities i really want to be in (NY vs. Taipei), or any of the european cities i wouldn't mind moving to for a few years. People around here don't care about good food and don't know what good food is. To them chinese food means P.F. Changs and chicken means either General Tso's chicken, Orange chicken, or kung-pao. It drives me crazy how uncultured this general area is. I just dont know if you've been exposed to the city life, and have visited so many places in the world, if you can settle down with someone HERE who are content with the way things are.


Things that make me feel really sad:

1) missing my parents: well, that goes without saying. I often wonder if i'm willing to give up everything i know/own right now, and the lifestyle in a CITY in the US, be it nyc, San Fran, San diego, to go back. I'd love nothing more to be close to them to take care of them. And now it also creeps into my mind when i meet someone too. i want to date for fun...but i dont seem to have that luxury anymore. :(

2) there are all these other fellows here who are super kiss asses to the senior management. everyone's IN LOVE with the company, everyone is trying to get FACE TIME with senior management, everyone's trying to stand out. I can't talk to them about my job because if mine sounds better, it stirs this animosity from them, and if it goes badly (there are days when it's bad), they think you have the crappy end of the stick and they make you feel even worse like you're not doing anything or getting enough projects from your boss. it's just bad either way. I jsut can't deal with this constant ass kissing and fakeness. I'm not like that and probably will never be. but you dont want to be the silent one either. it jsut pains me so much to think there's so many fellows in the company who you have to collaborate with and everyone's always on your business, trying to find out what you do, trying to shine at these meetings that you also attend. I just stepped out of one where i was SUPPOSED to work with a fellow on going over a presentation with a member of senior management, and he really KISSED ASS about BMS the whole time. and he's the least douch-baggy guy in the fellowship class at bms. that goes to show you how the rest is. this is also another reason why i don't believe you can work with someone and fall in love with them at the same time. too. friggin. gross.


I just really, really want to be happy and content with my life.

Elaborating on what i had said the night before

So last night i was in a foul mood in the man department because of several reasons:

1) the weekend before, even though i was having a wonderful brunch with my friend at one of the best brunch places in town, we touched on the topic of guys. she's already married, so this mainly applies to me. She's trying to find out why i say/do the thins i say/do about men. So i had to lay the most recent bad examples on her:

the flirty doc with a girlfriend from hawaii
the flirty passenger next to me on the way back from hawaii, who i had a great convo and chemistry with, who friended my good looking friend on facebook without even knowing her.
the guy at baxter who's married
the psych rotation doc who asked my friend out THEN asked me out
the oncology resident who flirted with both me and my friend, and because i was giving him the cold shoulder now is going with my friend

And then there's also the guys whoh i liked and never said anything about in fear of rejection or hearing another line about him having a gf/wife/being engaged....

2) Then it's these guys at work who are all super intense. they work probably 12 hrs a day and really dont like to go home. i get it that they are young and ambitious, but trust me, it becomes less attractive when people perceive you as super intense. at least i'm not attracted to that kind of guys. I'm sure they would be a great catch in 5 years when they are more established to girls who are not in this field. but i really can't deal with their intensity and brown-nosingness.

There is this guy in particular who i have really good conversation with. he gets my sarcasm and we joke about weird stuff and he probably thinks i'm weird and quirky too. which is rare because for some reason i really am pretty honest when i'm around him. The problem is, he refuses to stop by my cube to chat. So i've been doing most of the stopping-by. and i'm as proud as hell too. i am reluctant to stop by his cube now after noticing that he doesn't reciprocate. so even though there could be potential, since i dont know how much i continue to see myself at this company or in NJ, nothing good can come from it. he's just not that into me if he doesn't make the effort to pursue me. maybe he has a gf, maybe he doesn't think i'm attractive enough. i'm not sure if i really want to care at this point. i'm not fond of finding excuses for people. i really have no time to wait/care about passive guys who may or may not reciprocate my feelings.

3) the GUY in my dance class. So, yesterday i actually found myself looking forward to the dance class on tuesdays... (BAD SIGN!!!) i do not want to get myself into a situation where i have to leave behind in possibly less than 8 months. so the GUY was there, and i sort of felt like he was noticing me too...from our encounter from the past two classes. He definitely seem happy to see me, but then, we know so little about each other. another BAD SIGN. I could feel that during the footwork portion of the class he was trying to stand close to me, and that he was looking at me a lot. i think the attraction at this level is purely physical.

And then of course, my roommate seems to have taken a special interest in him. for some reason i was attacked by these other super awkward guys who were horrible dancers and who had super sweaty hands and who wouldn't leave me alone. And so i never really had a chance to dance with the GUY. So he ended up dancing with my roommate for the most part of the evening and she was having a BLAST. sigh.......she alreasy has someone she's seeing and still, she likes the cute boys and wants the cute boys. we'll just have to see how this thing turns out. this is deifnitely not the first time i'm caught in this situation. and i never like to fight. btw, when i checked his fb link (through the group's facebook page), i was SO SCARED that he could be an undergrad. luckily, he's doing his post-doc and was a chem major.

So i have to admit that i get pretty nervous about this guy too because he's really patient with me and is a good dancer with a cute smile. he's totally at intermediate/advanced level and always sticks around for the beginner's class (for me? not sure). last time we actually did dance a little during the social hour, and he was really funny and kept twirling me around and improvised. and at one point he actually put my hand on his shoulder so that we would be dancing like a real couple and not classroom couple (and i'm sure i blushed like an idiot, like usual).

so this time we kept missing each other because i couldn't leave the really awkward guys who wouldn't leave me. And my roommate actually walked over to him and danced with him for a good while. so as soon as i was free again the next guy who i didn't really want to dance with would come grab me. Finally i couldn't stand it anymore and decided to walk outside the classroom and jsut stood by the door (ididn't really need water, just didn't want to be there anymore because i was tired of waiting). Then as soon as the song with my roommate ended he rushed outside and grabbed my hand and asked me if i wanted to dance....(even my roommate commented on that afterward). We didn't end up dancing togeether in teh end because the song was wayy to fast and we stood around and chatted for 5 min, when he told me that he joined the club because of Liza the instructor. because he's foreign i couldnt' tell if he was 'with her' like they are dating or they are just friends. if they really are dating, he will jsut have to enter my list of men listed above. who i want to have nothing to do with. ...:(

so i felt a little sad today.

4) and then there's that guy in taiwan who i liked so much when i was 15. and this time i saw him i was feeling super sad. because after telling him everything his response was that i hid my feelings really well, he didnt' know i liked him back at all.

and so my luck with men goes...

男人運壞到想發火

Salsa class

So last week after discussing it with my roommate forever and never put it to action, we went to the salsa class at Princeton University for the first time. the first hour was somewhat a tramatizing experience for me because we actually inadvertently joined their intermediate class. My roommate was able to handle it, but i was a super beginner. so i pretty much looked like a dumb a** the whole time, not even knowing my basic steps. I'm sure i looked super robotic and my footwork was all wrong, which probably made all my rotating dancing partners mad because they were trying to lead me, and i wasn't following. :/

So this time we went to the BEGINNER'S class. It was A LOT more fun because i actually got the basic footwork down, so i was making some pretty nice twirls and switching positions with my partner. I could actually dance the whole song salsa-style! :D Although i still somewhat suspect that i look robotic from the waist up, that's still a HUGE improvement from what i know before. My hope is that, by the end of the fellowship year, i can hit the salsa clubs and actually have fun in them (disclaimer: not like the usual night clubs. as seen in movies, people actually go to dance salsa...:) like Jennifer Aniston in Along Came Polly?) When done right salsa can be a super fun and sexy dance (as seen in Dancing with the Stars)....

Anyway, the class, oddly enough, actually have a lot of guys enrolled in it. I was expecting some really scary awkward nerds (from my ballroom dancing experience in college), but these guys were all really nice and courteous, no one was aggressive or pervertive in anyway. So that's a big relief. And a lot of them are actually international. So you've got italian, swedish, indian...etc. Not a bad thing, but i also suspect that if i develop a little crush on any of them, might not be the smartest thing to do, since 1) they dont have a car, 2) they can't legally reside here in the US, and 3) they will leave. so most likely, friend potential at most. :/ As much as i find accents cute and european culture amazing....

ok. thinking too much. gotta hit the bed now. let's hope i turn into a salsa-dancing goddess in 40 weeks!

things that have gone super downhill have come back up again :)

so a while ago, i was actually pretty pissed at certain aspects of my job. i was...i guess, dis-satisfied, for reasons i will have to go into later because it's quite late here. in a few words, dislike for some of my coworkers and people on my team, not sure if this fellowship is going where, the things i wanted to happen sort of fell through, on and on. Plus the homesickness, i was in a real emotional funk. I still remember the day when i got really upset after work because someone said something that made me feel a certain way.

but then i also believe that, whenver things turn out to be the worse, they always come back up, one way or another. Because it can't get any worse (well, actually i suppose it can, but unless i do something terribly wrong, like hitting someone with a pan and therefore getting fired). But again, i try not to make work all of my life. so even getting fired isnt' the end of the world. but i digress.

Anyway, so today i found out that the super intense guy on my team will be moving to support another therapeutic area (yippe!). I was just getting myself to accept the fact that if it's someone like that who is competitive and aggressive and two faced and always on your back, i can't expect to not have to ever deal wtih someone like that. and now he's leaving my workstream! without me actually doin anything to make it happen.

secondly, i had originally want to go on a shadowing trip in december to broaden my fellowship experience, and it was orginally agreed on, and then was cancelled by the other person due to a meeting conflict. i was really sad about that because that's a very hard to come by opportunity for me, seeing my team is not very supportive of specifically carving out things for me to do. I pretty much have to fight for all these opportunities to happen, one way or another. So when i found out today that, the shadowing is back ON again, because the meeting got moved for some reason. i was like OH YEAH! :D

another quick bit, i have realized that although i still may not love my team because of certain things they do or do not do, i can learn to get along with them by pretending taht i actually like them. therefore dissolve the unfamiliarity and animosity toward them. i still have my personal feelings toward them and i stand corrected, but we can start over. and things are already turning for the better. i just have to keep at it, by at least making a lunch date/coffee date with them each week and stay persistent. my goal is to have one 'professional lunch' with someone each week.

Lastly, i have also been pushing forever to go to a conference of some sort, and i think it may actually happen this time (fingers crossed) because my boss found a good opportunity and is going to try to push for me. on top of that, the BIG boss also approved that i work on a meeting planning. I'm also helping with a strategy lead in the team on planning a project.

Divine intervention. :) Thank you.

Halloween and somethings i've done lately

Quick update about my Halloween:

SUPER DUPER FUN Field of Terror: a farm where they transformed cornfields into haunter hayrides, haunted barn, and haunted corn field maze. :) It's like your all worst nightmares rolled into one, with abandoned buses/boats, zombies, dead animals, trailors, psychos, obstacle course... LOVE IT!

House party: Was really fun. met a super nice girl who talked about Jersey Shore and the whole italian american phenom with me a lot. and they served home-made taco's (yum).. then

Triumph: a brewery in Princeton. I FINALLY got to try the pumpkin ale, which was super yummy! not really made with pumpkins at all, but it tasted like October! and i entered the halloween contest as a 80's girl, where as my friend entered as a dead bride. It was good to meet new friends.

Sports bar in Princeton: again, a fun place to hang out and watch sports. the new people i met in the group were super nice and charming. we also checked out...

Twist: a yummy frozen yogurt place in downtown princeton. Did i say they serve mochi and tapioca in your frozen yogurt?? I can eat that stuff forever.

Alchemist and Barrister: a charming little restaurnat/bar in princeton. Must have been like a hundred years old. The decor is so retro with exposed red bricks and hardwood bar/floor. Serves kick-ass traditional food, like london-broil.

Halo Pub: NOT a pub that serves alcohol. Rather, the most famous is their ice cream. The best of the 3 places in princeton (compared to The Bent Spoon as well as Thomas Sweet). the ice cream cakes they serve come with smiley faces too. so delicious!

Winberie: likst Alchemist and Barrister, also a charming little antiquish looking bar/restaurant that serves really good italian food.

Tortugas: probably considered by the locals the best/authenic mexican in town. BUT, coming from California, my bar is a little higher. so i would say it's a 6 in my book. Not the best fish taco i've had but acceptable. There's plenty in baja california that can kick Tortuga's butt. I would say, leave the mexican food to the californians.

The Bent Spoon: a somewhat overpriced organic ice cream place that will burn a hole in your pocket.

Thomas Sweet: not a bad choice for machine whipped (?) ice cream but a bit on the sweet side for me. not sure if i ordered the wrong thing.

Sakura Express: love the big portion of fish, esp in their sashimi lunch/dinner. not super authentic but tolerable. Again, you can't compare everything to back home.

I think that's it..for Princeton for now. :)