So i kind of lied about not speaking to A anymore.

Of course i would...knowing me and my indecisiveness and thinking i can actually 'be friends' even if it doesn't work out.

I thought i could just accept the fact that we aren't attracted to each other enough or its not meant to be and just be friends who hang out...or whatever the hell you feed yourself when you think you're tougher than you think.

so i was organizing a dinner/drinks with friends and asked him to come join us, and he did, and this is the first time we've seen each other in a month.

and i dont think i am going to do it again.

My sister is really good about coaching me about relationships, and i often feel frustrated when i dont follow her advice or try to follow but because how i am inherently it is hard for me to modify my behavior or change the way i think, and i get all stressed out about it. this would be one of those times when she would say 'i already told you not to hang out with people who make you feel bad/lose sleep', or treat him like a person with no importance, or hang out with him just don't invest in any emotion.

We had a group of 5 people initially, then ran into more, so by the end of the night he probably met 10 of them, some are my best friends here who just happen to be in the area.

to be fair not all of them know each other, but all of them LOVE him. and i think proceeded to add him on facebook.

this is the time when i would face palm. and kind of have PTSD.

we do repeat our mistakes, sometimes there's a very small improvement in the way we handle it, but we do repeat our mistakes. I had a ton of fun last night and was happy to see him (and F, i could tell i was still attracted to him). And i was observing how he interacts with my friends. He is funny, charming, spoke 3 languages (depending on who he was speaking to)...what does this remind me of, who does this remind me of? Yes the Japanese guy who i dated in 2015 who i REALLY, REALLY liked, but who didn't like me enough to be with me and made me cry, by myself, all the time. I liked his charm, i liked that he was great to my friends (and i thought it was a sign of him liking me and wanting to impress them)...but then i realized that he was just narcissistic. He liked himself. He was charming, but not because of me. He didn't want to be with me. he only texts me/calls me if he needs me, he likes me, but not enough to be with him, he likes himself the most. so i gave up potential opportunities to go to Japan, and came to australia. and closed that chapter for ever.

So last night was a reenactment of those days with the N (Jap guy), with slight improvement. A was hanging around me most of the time, he was paying attention to me (N would even hit on my friends), taking care of me, walking me home...but he didn't say anything. my friends could tell that he and i probably like each other, but it has been THREE months. we were not meeting for the 3rd time and there's some chemistry, THREE MONTHS have elapsed.

If i can say one thing about guys i've met in my adult life, that is, yes, while there are some suiters who would come on VERY STRONG to the point i'm pretty scared, most guys like to just 'keep in touch'. i didn't understand it the first time when N told me we should keep in touch, but now i know exactly what that means. And i know i dont want to keep in touch with someone i really like. I can keep in touch with friends, but not when i like someone and that someone just wants to keep his options open. i dont waste time like that, i dont take people or time for granted.

So of the things we talked about last night, some additional things that made me realize he isn't ready/serious/at least not with me:
- he and his friends created this spreadsheet with weighted composite scores, if a woman rates about 7, she's a keeper/marriage material. what kind of fucking logic is this? and apparently you need a big enough sample to even feed into this template dont you? we are not on the bachelor here.
- had basically some crazy drunken nights/ not so druken nights with friends. and proceeded to update me about his social activities. like i said before, if i'm not part of your weekend plan, i dont care to know about it via text. it'snot my concern how much fun you've had without me if we aren't dating and you aren't proposing the next date. i dont need a penpal. and they just get together and drink a lot.
- talks about wanting to travel and do his bucket list, but never actually does anything about it - if you dont' act on it, it will never happen. he never takes vacation and hence accumulated 70 days. it would always be me who talks about my travels from the weekend or from the last month...and we both hold very demanding jobs (probably more so for me because Australia is new and marketing is new for me and requires lots of travels)...
- still likes hot/sexy/tatooed women

this is probably not the sweet person who i thought he was when we first met. who was nervous around me and wants to show me everything, and texts attentively. He is 2/3 of N. which means i've made 1/3 of improvement only.

He offered to move me to my next apartment tomorrow, so i accepted. maybe he's doing this as an act of friendship, or keeping his options open so if he changed his mind i would still be hanging around. maybe he was charming and funny with all my friends because he wants to impress me, or maybe because he just wants to be charming all the time with people. maybe he thinks of me as a friend only, maybe he will become good friends with my friends later. it kind of all doesn't matter anymore. because i'm leaving. unless someone magically makes me fall in love and decides to F my other life choices, i will be out of here in 4 months.

that's why i never take time or people for granted. you never know where they will be next. you never know what decision they are making. I like to make them know they are important to me when we are together.

after this weekend, i'm going to create distance now to limit communications. i can't control the way i feel when i see him, despite some red flags i've noticed, i will make no efforts to meet up. if he doesn't act/try, i would be okay to move on like this.

Recent stressors

I thought i would do a quick post about the changes in my life lately:

- coming out of the rotational program - host manager just left the company, effective immediately (this is someone who i trusted a whole lot with my development and personal issues as i moved here by myself and now in the middle of the job hunt, didn't get to say goodbye)
- Home office manager is also leaving. this is the same guy who fired my boss one year ago, who for some reason doesn't like me. So basically i have no role to go back to.
- Host country (Australia) doesn't have the headcount to keep me
- Australia in general has just changed its working visa policy, pushing skilled people out (you can renew your visa onshore once, with no pathway to permanent residency). So basically if i want to stay, i would have to leave in approximately 6 years.
- I have to work in the nominated profession on my visa (so even though i've done other medical jobs before, i am restricted to marketing which has zero opening due to the economy)
- if i changed employer, i close off the last possibility forever which will allow me to try permanent residency via a different pathway
- the guy i liked/dated for 3 months, isn't that invested
- i am pretty sure that i won't go back to Singapore or New Jersey or China

So in my dad's words - the answer is pretty clear.

I have 3 months left, then i will go somewhere to put my roots down. And that somewhere is going to be the US.

I suppose sometimes you just kind of accept things as they are, when all signs point to one direction, that is it is time.

Mentally i definitely feel quite exhausted having moved around so much on my own. a new country and a new role every 18 months. I suppose when i first joined the industry bye moving from california to new jersey i never thought my life/career would go down such dramatic path. Then one thing after another, i became a nomad. It was absolutely kick-ass hard, every single year, and i was SO scared, when i had to assume roles i had no experience in, because of organizational restructure, but i stuck with it, and made a difference, then moved on when i was about to go insane. I had to travel alone in countries, sometimes developed sometimes in development. I had to influence people who were much more senior/cynical/skeptical/hostile than me to show my value in the organization. I had to influence down so that the local people trust me and will work with me (and sometimes become great friends with them). I have done it all. At the end of the day, i dont regret any part of it. I really pushed myself, from hospitals in china/south east asia to the offices in Singapore, Tokyo, New Jersey...i gave it my all. I know my work led to better study outcomes/medical practices/disease awareness/integration of digital technology/successful business performance....and i met some great people/customers along the way. I tried all kinds of delicacies in Asia and traveled far and wide. I know i cared, i wasn't just here for a temporary stunt before i go back to my cushion-y seat in the western country, i pushed myself to use my bilingual ability to HELP and often got stuck between the expats who had an agenda, and what really matters to the local people.

I have no regrets.

I just feel a little bit sad to leave this behind.

If you asked me if i am ready to go back to the US, the answer is probably no. I enjoy being immersed in different cultures, and using my US exposure to excel, to influence, and vice versa using my Asian background to connect with people, to help them say what they want to say. I feel a sense of purpose when i represent Asia in the most corporate-y meetings.

But i need to put my roots down somewhere. Mentally i feel very tired, having to do this by myself. every international move, saying goodbyes, finding a place to live, signing contracts, setting up utilities,  learning a new job, finding my way around the city, finding friends who i click with (not just for cocktails), finding someone who likes me enough to be with me, traveling for work, traveling home to see my parents/friends, finding a permanent role to transition into, applying for external jobs, speaking with immigration agent....i'm burnt out.

I need to take care of myself for a while.

I need to maybe first take care of myself and my mental health.

Like my sister said, what feels too hard is probably not meant to be.

If i went back to the US, i will be able to live like a normal person again. I can rent, or even think about buying, i can invest in nice stuff in the house (and stop bumming from temporary housing to temporary housing using the landlords crap or buy really cheap things or having to donate things away), i can have a pug (which i love), I can buy herbs/plants for my balcony that won't die, i can use all my vacation days to visit NEW places i haven't been instead of making my annual trips back home and still feel guilty/sad as hell when i leave, i can build my career in one country because that's what most people will challenge you with (most organizations still don't care about your international/cross functional profile because the hiring manager/team has not done it so they need someone NOW for one very specific job), i can meet men who are also stable and part of the society (not expats with questionable moral issues), i can meet men who may or may not want to be serious but at least i won't feel the time pressure that i might leave and if they want to take their time - fine, get back in line - but for the serious ones, we can have a future, i can build long term friendship without having to say goodbye....

So yes, that would a good decision, at the end of the day. I never thought this day would come so fast, but neither did i think i would move back to asia in a whim 7 years ago.

It probably will be hard initially, starting over in a new city, but i have my best friends there. and i love san fran. it will be okay. I might miss the people i've met here and have grown close to. but i wont have to do this again, for a while.

It will be okay in the end.