Things that make me happy and sad at the same time:
1) Walking around Princeton University: I used to grow up thinking that i want to go to one of the ivy league schools. And this was some dream i had when i was very young, without having a very good grasp of what that actually entails. So now of course i realized that i didn't go to a ivy league school or probably never will (unless i change my mind about getting another degree). And I actually didn't move out to the east coast for the ivy league school...so walking around it makes me feel sad. You grow up to realize that the degrees that are a realistic measure of intelligence or job prospect may not actually be offered at the school you want to go to. And so i probably could choose to do a one year degree program in some international studies/economics/one of those random majors these schools keep creating for foreign students with a lot of money but no idea what they want to do, which i can totally get in and do that east-coast/ivy-league school thing for a year, and feel really, really smart and good about myself, i prolly never will. Yes, very superficial i know. But aren't we all like that to a certain degree? I guess it's something about the 18-century looking campus, and actually taking a class in a building like that, and talking about some deep, deep philosophy stuff, on a really pretty automn day. Sigh, even their dorms are look like churches in europe.
And I mentioned this because I am now taking salsa class once a week on the PU campus. walking amongst the students, but being so much older, and i'm actually done with my graduate degree, and therefore i have a 'work life' with annoying co-workers who i have no interest in, and seeing the students who still are so carefree, make it all the more sentimental for me.
2) Visiting New York: Yes, i have the luxury to pop into the City every now and then when i feel like it. And when i'm in the city i REALLY want to be in the city. I hate the fact that I am on the east coast, but I live closer to farmlands then a nice european coffee house. So, as much fun as i have when I am in the city with my friends in the lower east side, hell's kitchen, time square, chinatown, and all of these cute boutique stores and cafes and restaurants, at the end of the day, i have to catch that train back to NJ because i don't actually live in the city. I know i shouldn't be picky, but by living in NJ, i'm even farther away from either cities i really want to be in (NY vs. Taipei), or any of the european cities i wouldn't mind moving to for a few years. People around here don't care about good food and don't know what good food is. To them chinese food means P.F. Changs and chicken means either General Tso's chicken, Orange chicken, or kung-pao. It drives me crazy how uncultured this general area is. I just dont know if you've been exposed to the city life, and have visited so many places in the world, if you can settle down with someone HERE who are content with the way things are.
Things that make me feel really sad:
1) missing my parents: well, that goes without saying. I often wonder if i'm willing to give up everything i know/own right now, and the lifestyle in a CITY in the US, be it nyc, San Fran, San diego, to go back. I'd love nothing more to be close to them to take care of them. And now it also creeps into my mind when i meet someone too. i want to date for fun...but i dont seem to have that luxury anymore. :(
2) there are all these other fellows here who are super kiss asses to the senior management. everyone's IN LOVE with the company, everyone is trying to get FACE TIME with senior management, everyone's trying to stand out. I can't talk to them about my job because if mine sounds better, it stirs this animosity from them, and if it goes badly (there are days when it's bad), they think you have the crappy end of the stick and they make you feel even worse like you're not doing anything or getting enough projects from your boss. it's just bad either way. I jsut can't deal with this constant ass kissing and fakeness. I'm not like that and probably will never be. but you dont want to be the silent one either. it jsut pains me so much to think there's so many fellows in the company who you have to collaborate with and everyone's always on your business, trying to find out what you do, trying to shine at these meetings that you also attend. I just stepped out of one where i was SUPPOSED to work with a fellow on going over a presentation with a member of senior management, and he really KISSED ASS about BMS the whole time. and he's the least douch-baggy guy in the fellowship class at bms. that goes to show you how the rest is. this is also another reason why i don't believe you can work with someone and fall in love with them at the same time. too. friggin. gross.
I just really, really want to be happy and content with my life.
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