入不敷出的生活

Since the beginning of my fellowship, i've sort of forced myself to live on a super budget. I realized that it would be hard, but in actuality it's even harder than i imagined to try to save with so little earnings. My fellowship program compensates very poorly, as they do with all post-graduate trainings such as residency. Before i graduated from pharm school, at least I lived at home which saved me a lot in terms of rent. What i made at the pharmacy, although not much, was enough for entertainment purposes and what not. However, rent does make a huge difference, considering i'm now paying that along with all of my credit card spendings. Although NJ doesn't have sales tax on clothings, and i don't dine out now nearly half as much as i did in LA, utilities is VERY expensive especially around where I live. And my room is tiny for the price i pay. And this is already the cheapest deal I could find at the time of my house hunt. I am super glad i never decided to get a one bedroom apt on my own (never crossed my mind). And that i also decided to live super close to work that definitely saves gas.

So pretty much since I moved here, it's been a bit hard for me to get by. I was shocked the first by how expensive utilities are when my roommate showed me the statements. So i have to put aside about that much money each month for rent + utilities. Then it's the grocery bill. A large amount of my monthly spending is now attributed to grocery. I have decided to try to only eat out during the weekends. So from monday to friday i pack my own breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I go to the cheapest market in the area. So a $60 grocery bill can last me around 2 weeks. But then since i'm still at the very initial stage of moving in, i have only one set of EVERYTHING. It doesn't help that i also have to dress up professionally everyday. So that i am really in need of acquiring new clothes that also have to have good quality because people do step it up around here. There's nothing i can hide without my 'white coat'. And the furniture, the life necessities...etc. I think last week i was really hitting a point of frustration. I was realizing how much i'm spending the cash i withdrew. I allowed my self to only withdraw a certain amount of cash per month, and i'm feeling that i need to increase my trip to the ATM at least 2 times a month.

I of course realize the benefit of learning to live on a tight budget. I spend more smartly and more carefully now. But it's also hard in a way that i also feel extremely frustrated about the situation and from time to time, understanding why some women marry for money (this ONLY happens occasionally as we all know i'm the biggest feminist on earth). It's just that I feel that i spend so much time in discount stores like Ross, Marshall, TJ Maxx, outlet stores, Target, Walmart, and sales racks of every single stores at the mall. and don't get me wrong, I love a good deal and it makes me feel victorious (Thanks eBay commercial). But it's also frustrating because the Marshalls out here are really horrible. the clientele is much different. everything has literally one size left and they are spread all over the store. I often have to spend hours at the 'clearance' rack searching for a swimsuit, beach towel, sandals, gym clothes, or any life necessity i didn't bring with me from CA. And of course some of these things look like returned items that are on final sale, ie. not very appealing, and sometimes i just walk out the store in frustration because literlaly only people size 10+ can find what they need in there. I still have trouble finding shoes my side that are presentable at the office, and i still only own one suit which i brough from CA because i can't find any size 0 out here.

All complaints aside, i have been able to secure someof the items which i really need, from my trip to TJ Maxx and Ross today: salad spinner (i had to dry the lettus with paper towelf for the longest time), a Samsonite computer bag (the one provided by work is super bulky and heavy and without a strap, i just couldn't take it anymore), beach towel (the only one i had was thrown away due to a freak accident), umbrella (have been borrowing my roommate's), a pair of $3 flip flops (for shower at the gym), sports bra (my normal bras are currently doubled as my sports bra and are losing their shape), a nice CK coat (because it's half off and i know i will need it for the winter), an addidas gym bag that costs $10 (because i have been using random plastic bags to carry all my gym stuff down stairs. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just really frustrating. I am now in my late twenties, and i still don't see myself living the lifestyle i wish to have one day. I still live in random apartments from year to year. The apartment is filled with random pieces of furniture from craigslist. my own room looks like a college girl's room. i still sleep on a twin size bed in order to save room. I am going for the discount of the discounts. and i'm still struggling with work. as much as i like what i do, i'm starting to resent some aspects of it, which i will get into later. overall, the goods > bad. there are still moments that remind me why i liked industry so much in the first place.

The only good news is, i have been able to find ways to fly out to CA on the company, for recruitment events. but tickets to tw will still be painful which i need to start thinking about. I am still serious about not wanting to be a trophy wife who spends all her day shopping the most expensive of dept stores and not wait for things to go on sale. but today i spend 40minutes staring at watch collections because i really needed one, but couldn't make up my mind because it was $55. and i'm still not living in a single-girl apt with expose red bricks and a nice worn leather chair and anthropologie-like clothese collections and a nice bf. That's what really gets me down sometimes at the end of my day amidst my bargain-hunting at Ross.