一點也不勇敢

Slowly but firmly, I am trying to make myself like it more here. I still think the jughandle and the road condition suck. But I have a pretty good idea of where everything is now with a map in my head. I have now discovered most of the areas within an hour away from me, partly thanks to my iphone accident (twice) which made me drive out to these far-away malls, partly thanks to the immediate urgency of having to buy work clothes so i needed to located the nearest shopping centers and outlets. It's surprising that even without a GPS I have already felt pretty much like a local. I mean, the roads here are not nearly half as complicated as the freeways in Cali, and what people here call "traffic" is merely a little stop here and there at the red light. There is nothing an LA gal cannot handle (perhaps nyc traffic i'll say). So it does feel good that i can now even give pretty good directions and run lots of errands on my own without having to stop in between.

However even with this small accomplishment in my life, i'm still not loving it completely here. I suppose most aspects of my life here are pretty good: i get along with my roommate REALLY well, we make plans to go to dinners at the closest chain restaurants which i love, and we run errands together and hang out together. She really is a sweetheart. And within the general program i've identified a few people who i really like. Although they are not physically at my company, i look forward to lecture days when we can all get together.

However, i'm still not comfortable with the situation that, despite my good effort, i still dont bond very well with the people i immediately work with at my own company. i'm not talking about my supervisors, rather, the other fellows. Like i mentioned before, there's just this 'wall' between us. By now i've carpooled with the douchebaggy guys about 2 times now, and still my opinions of them are not getting any better. Still they are completely consumed with kissing a**, with my secretly snarky comments have gone un-noticed (they are THAT thick-headed). the other girls although i'm friends with, sort of have their own fun as well. i'm attributing this (still) to the fact that maybe they just don't feel that comfortable with me ethnically, and maybe our inherent personality difference that they have refused to age pass the age of sorority years. i want to cringe everytime i hear someone talk. and they already speak of partying it up in phiilly and nyc come September. and they want to hang out ALL THE TIME still. make plans for lunch every single day, make plans for the weekend, make plans so that we can make FUTURE plans about going into the city. it was literally driving me up the wall. My theory is, i dont even see my best friend that much so i definitely dont need to see my colleague every single day. I dont know about them, but i'm not buying this instant BFF stuff. i have slight suspicion that if i the tense situation continues and i give up to try to bond with them completely, i will really not gel with the fellows at BMS at all. but the idea of having to spend a weekend in new york with them is really not making me comfortable. can i please have the other fellows at my company who are not super hyper 24/7 and who don't have attachment issues like regular adults?!

Despite that, i try to appreciate the simpler things in my life. I have now come to like the small towns and some fields next to my city. they are cute and charming, and i may never have this experience again. I'm also liking the fact that because there is a lot of lands and reservoirs here, our companies have some really stunning views and locations. i just recently enjoyed two days at a different office where the building faces a huge lake. absolutely breathtaking. :) I have now also checked out most of the coffeeshops where i can get free wifi while studying. So aside from Borders and B&N and Starbucks which we have in CA, there's a cute little shop called It's a Grind. It's like one of those cute european bakeries with yummy pastries and these large couches where you can just sit around and chat with friends, except i was there to study. :( I also love the fact that there are trails that i can jog on. the golf course is within walking distance and when the sun is setting it feels really nice. along with the fireflies. Today I finally stopped by the closest Asian market, and i must say that its merchandise is plenty. almost everything i can think of it carries. it also has a chinese food section where you can purchase side dishes to go. doesn't taste super great, but is adequate enough. However, half of the market STINKS. the stench was so bad i couldnt bear to stay long. they really need to do something about that so americans dont think asian people love to live in filth. the seafood department just needs a cleanup/odor reduction.

Overall, ive been talking to some of my friends from cali and i really appreciate everyone's concern and support. it's still really hard, and i'm fighting the unhappy thoughts everyday. but i'd like to think, at the end of all this, something good will come out of it. at least i really do love my job right now.


P.S. newest New Brunswick spot visited: Harvest Moon