world of beastiality

I had thought about this many times just never officially written about it. One of the reasons why my singleness has lasted this long and will probably go on is because i suspect (or with total confidence) that I actually live in a world of beastiality. time and time again, when i was out with friends i'd realize that it seems like no one shares/holds the same value as i do anymore-- monogomy, only get together with those you love (given that it's a small number), respect, trust.. and then i would hear the most outrageous things from everyone, then i realize either i live in a freak circus or i am actualy the only freak in this show. Quick example: when i was in SH last, I went out with a colleague and a bunch of her friends. So you know this is in CHINA and not any western country. Then we started playing 'truth or dare'...and the truth came out...I was trying to be REALLY focused so i was only penalized twice throughout the game. the first time i could get by with doing sit-ups, the second time i had to tell the truth. but people were gentle with me because they didn't know me well. however, i think i learned a bunch of stuff from people that night, that just once again confirmed my slight suspicion that i actually DO live in a world of beastiality. when people exchanged most 'daring place' for sexual activities, all kinds of crazy places came out - offices, jacuzzi at the hotel, shower place at the gym -- the list went on and on. and then when some married men was asked about times of cheating, it was multiple times, with different women.. please note this is a small sample of people who looked extremely normal (i'm not talking about people i meet at a club), and this is in ASIA. And then during the trip, i was harrassed by a male colleague of mine, who has a wife and a kid, who wanted to come over to my room at 2am in the morning. i was fuming. the world is sick. Then i was at the executive lounge having dinner by myself, armed with a 500 page book called 'the third choice', as well as my cell phone, when some dude invited himself to sit down across from me. we had a good chat, about everything, music, book, travel, time in China...he seemed into me, and i was just bored and i knew he just needed attention so i gave him the time of the day. And then we proceeded to talk about relationships. and then he said a lot about sleeping with his female friends which made their friendship closer. and i respectfully disagreed...i think he was trying to see if i would go back to his room with him, and the whole night i was just not having it. So he finally left. The last time when i was at the exec lounge i was actually approached by a married man (with a ring and actually showed me a picture of his family) TWICE in a week. it made me want to shoot myself (or someone). How am i expected to meet someone i love and believe in the institution of marriage, when i feel that there is beastiality all around? As a single woman, i never NOT believed in message or love, but i also believed in living the most fulfilling life you possibly can (not in a religious way necessarily). In my view, when there is no love, there is no boyfriend and hence no fiancee or someone to married to, hence no wedding and no kids. So i dont think about kids. because it only matters if i am actually seeing someone. otherwise having any arbitrary number in my mind, is just going to make me feel like super shit and a failure. all that i am asking for, is to find someone with the same value system who i care for and who loves me the same way as i do love them. who is AVAILABLE. I dont know what planet these previously mentioned people are from, but if they didn't know i am such a self-righteous person, i dont know who is. how could they think i'd ever allow cheating or whoring around?? although some days i feel maybe i should

the most brave thing i've done in a while (it's called self-preservation)

although, the most brave thing also happens to be the most cruel thing i can do to myself. many of you might be pleased to hear this, but i actually did go on a date, among the craziness i just described in my last post. And i suppose what people say is true, things happen when you least expect it. At least i didn't expect this coming. This guy and i met because he actually is new at my company. i didn't think much at all, because, well, i'm already transitioning in my mind. So i can really care less. Plus he sits on a different floor, and i travel to China all the time. I care more about what's going to happen in the next 6 months...and these other major decisions. He joined 2 months ago. Also around 2 months ago, i decided to start a 'club' at work. A club i was a part of back when i was in the US, called Women in Science (WIS). Basically i find it baffeling that the morale in the TW office is always low, people are waiting to retire, young people are hired on as contractors, no one has real motivation in sight or reasons to connect with people on a higher level unless it's part of their job description. Coming from the US, i didn't like these silos. So i started a club, that encourages the development of women leaders (this is only a chapter that i'm starting, this organization actually exists in the US and many other big markets). So i started selling the idea in company meetings, and started planning for events for the year. I felt like i can make a difference, until my departure (whenever that is), and hopefully my legacy will live on). So the first event i had organized was about having a 'sponsor' at work (which is a populart idea now in western countries), and invited regional women leaders who are based in the TW office to share their experiences. So basically when i sent out the request for people to add to the WIS distribution list, only ONE guy volunteered. the new guy. he showed up to that meeting about sponsors of course, and asked questions and actively participated. I stupidly actually scheduled the event on the SAME day as my GMAT. so i pretty much rushed back from the testing center looking like complete shit, and tried to act as calm and put-together as possible, leading the discussions. THEN, after the meeting, i received an email from our lone male participant, about an article he had read about the 'sponsorship effect', for which i graciously thanked his interest. And then i proceeded to ask him if i can ask him questions about the MBA he had just completed. please note at this point i had ZERO intention to get with anyone. we met the next day in the office. to my surprise he prepared a list of discussion points to 'guide' me through this MBA chat. I was pretty shocked to say the least. And then, he started talking about his program and the other programs. Please note that his program ranked in the top 10 in europe. but he was listening to my requests and challenges at work and was making very objective suggestions to say i can try to score really high and shoot for really good scores. I could tell i was holding back. from past experience i've learned to not tell guys about my degree background, and what i got on my tests..etc. So i didn't tell him that I ALREADY APPLIED AND AS OF THE DAY OF THE WIS EVENT I ACTUALLY SCORED A SUPER HIGH SCORE WHICH PUT ME IN A VERY FAVORABLE PLACE. I APPLIED TO THE TOP FIVE IN EUROPE AND I'M AIMING AT GETTING IN. Of course i didnt' say that because i didn't want to sound like a psychomaniac people think i am because i happen to be able to combine my interst with work and do well on exams. one thing i learned in life is guys hate smart and successful girls. So i thanked him after the talk. When i returned to my seat, we started talking through instant messaging. I joked that i should invite him to happy hour with anotehr colleague in his department we both know. and he said, NO, I THINK MAYBE LET'S NOT INVITE HER. and then i was thinking in my head, SHOOT...DOES THAT MEAN HE LIKES ME DESPITE I'VE LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE CAREER ORIENTED WOMAN. So to cut straight to the chase, he invited me out on a 'date'. and like i always have to tell someone, i can't watch iron man right away because i was about to go on a biz trip for 2 weeks in China (which is why i suffer in the romance department). and he said he can wait. and asked me not to catch the bird flu (haha funny). So over the 2 weeks when i was in China i was becoming more and more anxious about the 'date'. Finally, it took place this past Monday. We met up at the train station, had dinner, and then the movie. Over dinner i could feel myself telling him more frustration about my work situation in China, although i was trying not to. and then when we walked into the theater area, we ran into the co-worker i HATE! who was super annoying in TW to begin with and then moved to SH and joined my department and became a even bigger pain in the a**. what are the frigging chances!!! he gossips so much too and he could tell the whole work in both TW and China. So i immediately turned around and behaved like a child, looking really flustered. basically the GUY put up with my crazy antics, which i apologized later. but we did have to hide from the cowker again during the exit of the movie. I think my point was, the night was really eventful and unexpected. and i had a lot of fun. he insisted to pay for everything. he had lost his wallet in the morning and had to pull out the bills from his pocket which i made fun of him for (just really ghetto looking). After the movie I said i would just ride the MRT home. He then offered to 'drive' me. so we would have to get off at a different stop so he could pick up his car at his place. he did drive me home, we talked a lot and joked a lot. and then i joked some more nervously when we got to my place, and pretty much fled his car after thanking him... I knew over the evening i was shifting between being totally relaxed and the fun and sarcastic and crazy and funny person i am, and being a bit cautious and protective myself. like i would be holding my purse with BOTH hands on one arm, or maybe at times maintaining some distance between us so that i can avoid handholding or anything that may happen. WHY? put simply -- it's a self-preservation thing. i'm getting ready to leave my job, i DID NOT expect to meet anyone and to leave them. this guy doesn't know the truth about how good i am with tests and with work and my rank in the company, and he thought i was just a cute girl with a uneasy temper. So the truth is, i realized after the date how much i might actually like this guy. and i realized everything in my near future plan points to departure -- moving to SH for the internal offer they are forcing down my throat, or to europe to begin a new journey. either way, i would be leaving for something bigger and better. and who wants THAT?? I also realized that i don't deal with long-distance relationship too well. you end up being sad all the time and missing the person, and then you have fights, and then it totally screws up the MBA experience for you, like how my college was ruined by my first and only boyfriend who trampled my heart. And then the next time, when i was getting ready to leave NJ, i made the 'smart' choice, i didn't feel like the guy i liked would ask me out with complete certainty, so i decided to leave to take the job in Asia. STILL, i was sad for about a year, and occasionally, now, about what could have been. So either way sucks. I lost sleep for two days.. I didn't want to tell him like i'm over thinking the whole thing, but i thought he deserves the truth -- the truth about me leaving. Even though i like the guy a lot, he is pretty adorable, is nice to me and pretty funny, is taiwanese with good education, and a bit older, and we are in the same industry. I didn't think i could like him before the date because of the inconveniences i mentioned, but i did get drawn to him because we had a lot of fun and cute moments. So i decided that i would be merciful to him and myself. just tell the truth about my timeline. So i did. today. i asked if i could borrow an hour of his time in the office. when he walked in i could feel myself getting really nervous about what i was about to say, and then it just came out. I told him that i already have interview offers, he asked me which schools, and i told him. those were schools that he would love to go but didn't qualify for. he was very gracious. and then he was jokingly asking about my gmat score, and of course, i scored very high on my last try. so he was again impressed too. he knew about the other job offers too. I was beginning to explain why i didn't tell him, because (my official explanation was that i didnt' know him enough to tell anyone), the truth is, i didn't have the heart to tell ANOTHER GUY how i have these accomplishments just have him run away from him or find me freaky. and i really think there's potential for me to really like him (which he will never know). ..... I did this also because i knew he'd rather be with someone local (he gave up job offers to come back to TW to start fresh), whereas i am just starting to take off with this mba and want to see the rest of europe. i know i would like to be married at some point, if someone great comes along. but i also want to do things in life which i wont get to do later. It is only fair that i lay things out right now. he politely thanked me for telling him. and said he was really impressed. and jokingly said i need to offer him a job when i come back as a general manager of the company (NOT FUNNY TO ME AT ALL. i've heard shit like this from people before). I had to downplay my gmat score as a fluke, i had to say i had no idea why the company liked me so much...jsut to play down everything that i am proud of.. basically. we haven't texted, since the date, and since our conversation today. and i highly doubt we will still be able to date, knowing there may be an end in mind. my point is, i COULD stay for someone. if that someone asks. i could stay for someone who is brave enough to like me the way i am, without making feel like i have to play down my accomplishment. i could stay for someone who sees that i am actually being very selfless when i tell the truth, because i fear guys would feel that they are tricked into a relationshp with a wife who's actually smart, only to tell me 10 years later that they feel too much pressure. on the flip side, it takes a lot of courage for me to do this. since i actually like this person. but i can't continue to see 'how it goes' for the next 6 months, only to tell him at the end that i'm leaving for my MBA which i should find out in a month. so i decided to be cruel to myself..and just rip off the bandaid. this could be my last chance before turning 30 to meet cute and date cute with someone, and i nipped it in the bud because i couldn't bear to hide the truth. i know if we dated more i would like him more and will get really hurt. so i did what i did. i think it's self-preservation. i might cry myself to sleep, but i might just get over it, right? i'm getting really sad just transcribing my feelings...

statistics for now...

yes..i've disappeared for about 2 months... over this time period, lots have happened (i'm actually quite surprised that i haven't been diagnosed with brain tumor through this stress)... took GMAT 3 times travelled to China 4 times (over a week each time) Packed in 100+ hours of cramming score finally went from (and i didn't know this would be possible in my lifetime), 530-->640-->720. and then on the last day i finally screamed (in my head), and walked out and never looked back. I almost though i had to high-five the PiersonVue test center lady because i've been there so many times we can probably grab lunch together. Standardized test is really not for people over the age of 28 and working full-time and traveling constantly (lesson learned)... submitted 4 applications and finished 20+ essays for all the schools. and finally, i'm happy to announce that i've gotten two interview offers!! yippe! a month from now i will find out...about EVERYTHING. AND, work is still giving me pressure about leaving, except that now there are two somewhat attractive internal opportunities, which is making my life hell because my mindset was ready to leave and begin my journey somewhere in Switzerland/France/Singapore/UK, and now i might actually stay on?! Ugh i lose so much sleep over the craziness in my life i almost feel like i'm back in high school, except i'm actually almost twice that age... darn.