Been terrible at maintaining my blog again...sorry
A quick thought before i'm off to bed. Something i've been wanting to comment.
So lately i've noticed that a lot of people have been, well, paying me a lot of compliments. And it's odd to me because it happens to my two sisters a lot, and not so much myself. These compliments usually center around, my look, my 氣質, my brain, my clothes...the list goes on and on.
So i've always advised my sister K that, don't believe everything you're told, esp these compliments. Mainly because that's how i look at these things. I can't seem to understand why people would go out of their way to do that. and i mean, REALLY go out of their way to do that. I'm not being sensitive, but the dry clean people tell me that everytime i stop by, they love my clothes, love the way i put on my make up, love the way i present myself...i almost have to quickly find an excuse to leave. And the same thing happens at work too, i don't work DIRECTLY with the people in the office. But i do care about the way i look, so i definitely maintain a business-casual look, ALWAYS wearing a trouser or a suit skirt on any day,and a full suit on a formal day.
So they say that i exert this feeling that they can't describe (note that i had my hair up in a 鯊魚夾 when i am on my computer, and my seat is in plain view to everyone. and i really just didn't give a damn because i dont like hair in my face when i type. So then of course when i take it off my hair is not nice and tame like everybody else, but again, that's been my look for ages, the messy hair look because i dont' have much hair and like to create volume. Even THAT people say they admire.
I am feeling VERY suspicious about all this. Call me a cynic but from the US i don't think people would voluntarily compliment someone like that. like they almost idolize you. They might do that to a really beautiful woman because they want something. but i dont understand what they can possibly get from me. I'm not saying this because i'm ungrateful and would rather that everybody hates me, but i just don't think that it is NORMAL, unless it comes from your close friend or your family. because THEY tell you the truth and what they really think.
In general, i think it's easier for taiwanese people to idolize a person who they think is 'cool'. they idolize people who look really pretty, they idolize people who get to live in a foreign country, they idolize foreign people (that's why it's 老外天堂), they idolize rich people, they idolize the 貴婦...so on and so forth. you get the point. So that's how i attribute this phenomenon to. Because i've recently moved back and i probably am not 'poor' to their standards and i dress in nice clothes and i probably don't look half bad and i have a high post-graduate degree...so they think that they are obliged to pay me compliments. Again, i'm not being ungreatful, but shouldn't these be goals you set for yourself?
I don't take anything i have for granted. And i know the process that's happened in order for me to get these things. I think it's really sad that, for girls in taiwan, there's this TREMENDOUS pressure to look 正. I honestly don't give a crap about looking 正. I care about what's inside of my head. That's why for the longest time i've looked like the biggest nerd full of acnes and crappy clothes and without a bf. But all of that didn't bother me back then. Becauase i liked the science and i've always known that i wanted to be something and love what i do. And fashion and beauty just weren't the focus of my life. So now i'm a bit older, i've learned how to dress myself, and after 10+ years of trials and error i've finally gotten my skin under control. And i am now earning money to pay for the clothes that i can afford to look professional. I think these things just happened in an order that i expect them to happen. I never thought it was important for me to look hot at 18 and date lots of guys.
I've noticed that most TW girls i've come in contact with or seen on TV, really can go on and on about beauty and clothes and guys and whatnot, and there seems to be this obsession with 孫芸芸 (or any second generation from a big corporate). And i only pretend i'm interested in these topics. Truthfully, most of the time i am too concerned/worried about work and my future to spare my time to think that. Once in a while i'll find something i really like, and i stick with it. I don't go around shopping for the best cosmetics or the expensive bags. I spend my time feeling like inadequate because there are too many MDs and PhDs and these people with 100+ years of experience in the company and i never feel like i'll get to where i want to be. And i dont know how i can be with all of the people i love all at the same time. That's kind of like how i spend my time right now.
So in short, i say this now and i think i would tell my daughter the same too. Knowledge is power. Don't ever feel like you need to compete with your peers on how hot you look. Because looks will get old. Knowledge won't. Your experiences will only get you more respected and farther in the area you work in. Learn what you want to learned and push yourself as hard as you can when you are young. You can always learn about dressing nice or putting on make up along the way, but don't make that the focus of your life. You don't need to envy the 貴婦 if you can be one yourself. and you have the power to marry whoever you want, and not some 50 year old dude who most likely are not physically attractive but with lots of money. and you never have to worry about growing wrinkles or having 副乳 or looking tan or whatever it is that people try to make Asian women feel bad about. and then when you stop giving a s**t about everything, people will tell you you've got that 氣質 they can't describe. ;)
Ok, i think that makes me sound even more like a feminist what i just wrote. ;) I just think in general there's big mistakes in how people educate their children or think about themselves. And then they end up paying for those mistakes later in their lives, or become unusually obsessed with people who they think have the qualities they want. You don't have to live in a cycle like this if you snip the bud in the head. I realize that i've been extremely lucky in that my family provided me with the resources that i needed in order to excel. If i wasn't given everything that i had i wouldn't become this woman that i am right now. At the same time, i've worked darn hard for what i have too. Like i said before....being super sad and nerdy for the majority of my life, enduring the pain of being away from my family for 13 years, enduring the pain of being in a foreign country in high school and had like no friends. I could have easily become a 玩咖 and just gotten a crappy degree in fashion/chinese studies and dated someone foreign and learned inproper English and just squander money. But i don't envy people who are like that, and in some way i always think you pay for those choices you make in life. If that's what i had done, i wouldn't have a job i love in the exact industry i want and doing what i want.
Ok....should proably find a way to finish this post. ;) I am just saying that, these compliments are getting to a point that they are not making me happy or flattered, just confused. People seem to think grass on the other side is greener and i don't agree with that. I don't think i'm that worth complimenting, i just try really hard and give up a lot of things in life. so i guess you can say i'm very 高拐 (台語). I only want sincere compliments. :)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Work stuff and Halloween
Just returned from a super productive and wonderful week in SH...got a lot accomplished. Met the newest team members, continued to build relationship/met with existing colleagues in China, saw my US colleague which was a super surreal experience, and REALLY enjoyed time with the regional team which includes my boss and these other people who are based elsewhere. Basically, everyone was in SH with me last week and I finally stopped feeling like i belonged no where.
Since I started this job, although slowly, i can see that i've made some progress over the past 4 months. I've now earned the trust of my boss and most people I work with in China, and my job is starting to deviate away from the mindless work which i had to put up with initially (such as producing meeting minutes that are 20 pages long). I am now doing stuff that i can start to appreciate which would sound nice on my CV. And my chinese colleagues are now turning to me for questions about ppublication and information from global. And people are finally including me in their email communications and thinking of me when they hold future meetings and recognizing my effort. As if that wasn't good enough, people from the Chinese medical association finally got back to me on Friday with the document i need ( i thought i would never hear back, since i requested it 3 weeks ago and called everyday since). Last week definitely felt like Xmas. I must say.
When i finally landed in Taipei late Friday, i was somewhat exhausted, but in a way i felt really good, and i also wonder how i was able to travel this much and still feel the way i do. And then BANG...today i'm feverish and my nose is runny and i am sore all over. I think my adrenaline kicked in until the minute i got home. Otherwise i was carrying a lot of stuff and running around the office and the airport yesterday, but i didn't feel a thing then.
Think i am just going to rest up and take it easy for a while. although i'm blessed with having my mom's gene which allows me to rest quickly and regenerate, work is not everything. I probably should feel bad about spending my first Halloween in Taiwan as an adult feeling sick, but i am kind of glad to just be lying around at home with a hot cup of tea. :) Plus i've always been somewhat anti-halloween anyway. ;) No need to feel the pressure to buy slutty adult costume this year to be peer-pressued into going to a party with guys who dress like pimps.
Yeah, i am a pretty uptight person, i guess. ;)
p.s. Edit: just to prove that i wasn't a super uptight Miss NO, here are the past Halloween things i've participated:
House party as a witch
Club as a flapper
Bar and entered the costume contest as the 80's girl/Madonna (NJ)
House party (NJ)
West Hollywood parade as a French maid (the non-slutty kind)
And i go to the Halloween haunts at amusement parks almost every year
Since I started this job, although slowly, i can see that i've made some progress over the past 4 months. I've now earned the trust of my boss and most people I work with in China, and my job is starting to deviate away from the mindless work which i had to put up with initially (such as producing meeting minutes that are 20 pages long). I am now doing stuff that i can start to appreciate which would sound nice on my CV. And my chinese colleagues are now turning to me for questions about ppublication and information from global. And people are finally including me in their email communications and thinking of me when they hold future meetings and recognizing my effort. As if that wasn't good enough, people from the Chinese medical association finally got back to me on Friday with the document i need ( i thought i would never hear back, since i requested it 3 weeks ago and called everyday since). Last week definitely felt like Xmas. I must say.
When i finally landed in Taipei late Friday, i was somewhat exhausted, but in a way i felt really good, and i also wonder how i was able to travel this much and still feel the way i do. And then BANG...today i'm feverish and my nose is runny and i am sore all over. I think my adrenaline kicked in until the minute i got home. Otherwise i was carrying a lot of stuff and running around the office and the airport yesterday, but i didn't feel a thing then.
Think i am just going to rest up and take it easy for a while. although i'm blessed with having my mom's gene which allows me to rest quickly and regenerate, work is not everything. I probably should feel bad about spending my first Halloween in Taiwan as an adult feeling sick, but i am kind of glad to just be lying around at home with a hot cup of tea. :) Plus i've always been somewhat anti-halloween anyway. ;) No need to feel the pressure to buy slutty adult costume this year to be peer-pressued into going to a party with guys who dress like pimps.
Yeah, i am a pretty uptight person, i guess. ;)
p.s. Edit: just to prove that i wasn't a super uptight Miss NO, here are the past Halloween things i've participated:
House party as a witch
Club as a flapper
Bar and entered the costume contest as the 80's girl/Madonna (NJ)
House party (NJ)
West Hollywood parade as a French maid (the non-slutty kind)
And i go to the Halloween haunts at amusement parks almost every year
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
No. 2 - "Please just enjoy the ride"
I need to remind myself of that.
stop worrying about where you will be after this year, after 2 years. Stop thinking that if things don't work out in Taiwan, you MIGHT want to move back to the US. And how guilty that will make you feel about leaving your parents.
Stop thinking about that things may NOT work out in taiwan. You haven't even started.
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, does that mean you will grow old and die here? what about marriage? who are you going to marry? you know so little about taiwanese guys? and You haven't been around them long enough to see if you can actually fall in love with one? There's so much unknown!
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, bc of the sheer size of Taiwan, you may have to choose to find a job that will allow you to stay in taiwan (not China), and that your US/global experience will go to waste. you don't even know that.
Stop feeling anxious before every trip to China. Stop resenting some aspects of it. Yes, some cities and some meetings and some people are quite horrible. But please just try to enjoy the ride. You may never get this chance again.
Stop feeling sad because you realize you may never go back to Jersey. You hated most of Jersey.
Stop missing the boy.
Stop missing the US. that way you will never learn to get rooted again in tw.
you've been given a second chance at it. So please just enjoy the ride. enjoy your time with your parents, enjoy the company of your childhood friends and the sights and sounds of the city you grew up in.
Stop wondering about the what if's. a big part of my young adult life is missing. But i'm here, now.
stop worrying about where you will be after this year, after 2 years. Stop thinking that if things don't work out in Taiwan, you MIGHT want to move back to the US. And how guilty that will make you feel about leaving your parents.
Stop thinking about that things may NOT work out in taiwan. You haven't even started.
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, does that mean you will grow old and die here? what about marriage? who are you going to marry? you know so little about taiwanese guys? and You haven't been around them long enough to see if you can actually fall in love with one? There's so much unknown!
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, bc of the sheer size of Taiwan, you may have to choose to find a job that will allow you to stay in taiwan (not China), and that your US/global experience will go to waste. you don't even know that.
Stop feeling anxious before every trip to China. Stop resenting some aspects of it. Yes, some cities and some meetings and some people are quite horrible. But please just try to enjoy the ride. You may never get this chance again.
Stop feeling sad because you realize you may never go back to Jersey. You hated most of Jersey.
Stop missing the boy.
Stop missing the US. that way you will never learn to get rooted again in tw.
you've been given a second chance at it. So please just enjoy the ride. enjoy your time with your parents, enjoy the company of your childhood friends and the sights and sounds of the city you grew up in.
Stop wondering about the what if's. a big part of my young adult life is missing. But i'm here, now.
No. 1 - 離的還不夠遠
離的還不夠遠
that was the first thought that ran through my mind when i heard his voice.
Apparently, it still made me cringe and uncomfortable. His voice.
Unfortunately, because I am still supporting the same products, I still attend some of the same teleconferences which he is a part of. and i participated for the first time since i moved back. and he spoke.
I called in late. so i missed my chance to announce my attendance at the beginning of the call. I felt that throughout the meeting, something caught my throat.
and the thought just kept running through my head: i can't get far away enough.
Even though I am half a globe away. I need to rid myself of all things and sounds that remind me of him. I need to move the 'archive folder' with his name to the bottom of the list. I need to stop wondering if he will be at the same diabetes conferences.
I need to stop giving a $h*t about everything about him. (excuse the language)
The trouble is, it's so hard for me to fall for someone, and once i'm fallen, it's also hard for me to get out. Aren't I glad we didn't actually go out?
So i guess the next step is to just hope that the next one comes along faster. What's the saying, it takes one to get over one.
the sad thing is, it's all about work now. all the time.
that was the first thought that ran through my mind when i heard his voice.
Apparently, it still made me cringe and uncomfortable. His voice.
Unfortunately, because I am still supporting the same products, I still attend some of the same teleconferences which he is a part of. and i participated for the first time since i moved back. and he spoke.
I called in late. so i missed my chance to announce my attendance at the beginning of the call. I felt that throughout the meeting, something caught my throat.
and the thought just kept running through my head: i can't get far away enough.
Even though I am half a globe away. I need to rid myself of all things and sounds that remind me of him. I need to move the 'archive folder' with his name to the bottom of the list. I need to stop wondering if he will be at the same diabetes conferences.
I need to stop giving a $h*t about everything about him. (excuse the language)
The trouble is, it's so hard for me to fall for someone, and once i'm fallen, it's also hard for me to get out. Aren't I glad we didn't actually go out?
So i guess the next step is to just hope that the next one comes along faster. What's the saying, it takes one to get over one.
the sad thing is, it's all about work now. all the time.
mini blogs times three! 迷你網誌三連發
bc i have been lying about updating...and today i actually have a few min before I force myself to go to bed. I will update. really quickly. about three random mini thoughts that have been lingering in my head.
For the first time. My life in Taiwan. 13 years later.
For the first time. My life in Taiwan. 13 years later.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Last night in the US (story about a boy)
As I sit here reminiscing about the past 2 months, everything literally turned into a blur. I remember finding out about the job, counting down to my last day at work, one farewell dinner/lunch after another in NJ/SD/LA, tearing by myself, seeing the boy, packing, more fare well dinners with friends and family, more tearing up by myself, and more packing....somewhere in the middle i think i really wanted to shoot myself. Somehow the initial joy of getting the job is swallowed by the fear of the immediate move and the unknown future.
quite honestly, i still dont know what decision is the RIGHT decision in life. I just have to keep moving forward, and hope for the best.
I am extremely fearful at this moment. People seem to have more faith in me than i have in myself. I know what i am capable of and what i am not, but they don't know that.
Mostly i think i know that emotionally i am a lot less tough than people perceive me as. I'd like to think that i can just pick up and move wherever and live life with no regrets and be great at my job, but i secretly also wonder if i long for stability, and not having to choose any more in my life.
I think i will have a lot more to write about. about this past year, about events leading up to the past year, about all of the missing entries i should have put in. but i think i will need some time to digest all the information. I will need some time to really grief about the really down days i had, and will sprinkle a few uplifting ones in between. overall, i am relieved that it's over. and the outcome is such.
In short, i think I make it a goal that i want to touch as many lives as possible, every time i spend time with someone. I want to be available to everyone. As i said to my sister today during lunch, dating someone or not, i feel really lucky that I am surrounded by this many people who i love and who care for me. I am lucky to have touched so many lives and have they feel the same in return. I am very blessed in that sense and because of that, i feel that my life is pretty complete.
At the same time, I always feel bad about leaving. I am horrible at saying goodbyes, I tear up easily. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i can feel the sentimentality to its fullest and really thank everyone for being a part of my life. Being my friend through the horrible high school years, being my friend through college, being my friend through the most boring pharmacy school and its rotations, and being my support system when i was in new jersey. I wish i had more time to go around and really catch up with everybody.
Oh, and yes, the story about a boy. Was there only one boy? well...there were a couple during my time in the US. But none of them amounted to anything. At the end of the day, I am still pretty single to move around. The most recent boy, who i have blogged about before, who became my manager, who i could not read if he likes me or not. We ran into each other at the meeting in San Diego, and hung out a few times. I still couldnt read him, and my defense mechanism got the best of me, and i pretty much acted like a porcupine with my ever-teasing jokes, which sounded semi-offensive to my friend who happened to be present at the time. My immaturity and insecurity got the best of me. So that was sort of the end of the story. We just left it at that. I suppose I will never find out if we really had a chance, given that I am moving far, far away, as i always do. Yes, i will find someone new, someone Taiwanese, as people say. Maybe I will, maybe i won't. I don't really know. But that was the end of the story about a boy.
The truth is, i have this great opportunity ahead of me. I have to leave to be somewhere far, far away, and i am scared out of my mind. i hate the word 'never'. I never want to never see somebody i care for. Whether it be my own parents, my family in the US, my close friends on both coasts, or my childhood friends from Taiwan.
If i can put everyone i love in a box and take with me wherever i go, I think i would.
quite honestly, i still dont know what decision is the RIGHT decision in life. I just have to keep moving forward, and hope for the best.
I am extremely fearful at this moment. People seem to have more faith in me than i have in myself. I know what i am capable of and what i am not, but they don't know that.
Mostly i think i know that emotionally i am a lot less tough than people perceive me as. I'd like to think that i can just pick up and move wherever and live life with no regrets and be great at my job, but i secretly also wonder if i long for stability, and not having to choose any more in my life.
I think i will have a lot more to write about. about this past year, about events leading up to the past year, about all of the missing entries i should have put in. but i think i will need some time to digest all the information. I will need some time to really grief about the really down days i had, and will sprinkle a few uplifting ones in between. overall, i am relieved that it's over. and the outcome is such.
In short, i think I make it a goal that i want to touch as many lives as possible, every time i spend time with someone. I want to be available to everyone. As i said to my sister today during lunch, dating someone or not, i feel really lucky that I am surrounded by this many people who i love and who care for me. I am lucky to have touched so many lives and have they feel the same in return. I am very blessed in that sense and because of that, i feel that my life is pretty complete.
At the same time, I always feel bad about leaving. I am horrible at saying goodbyes, I tear up easily. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i can feel the sentimentality to its fullest and really thank everyone for being a part of my life. Being my friend through the horrible high school years, being my friend through college, being my friend through the most boring pharmacy school and its rotations, and being my support system when i was in new jersey. I wish i had more time to go around and really catch up with everybody.
Oh, and yes, the story about a boy. Was there only one boy? well...there were a couple during my time in the US. But none of them amounted to anything. At the end of the day, I am still pretty single to move around. The most recent boy, who i have blogged about before, who became my manager, who i could not read if he likes me or not. We ran into each other at the meeting in San Diego, and hung out a few times. I still couldnt read him, and my defense mechanism got the best of me, and i pretty much acted like a porcupine with my ever-teasing jokes, which sounded semi-offensive to my friend who happened to be present at the time. My immaturity and insecurity got the best of me. So that was sort of the end of the story. We just left it at that. I suppose I will never find out if we really had a chance, given that I am moving far, far away, as i always do. Yes, i will find someone new, someone Taiwanese, as people say. Maybe I will, maybe i won't. I don't really know. But that was the end of the story about a boy.
The truth is, i have this great opportunity ahead of me. I have to leave to be somewhere far, far away, and i am scared out of my mind. i hate the word 'never'. I never want to never see somebody i care for. Whether it be my own parents, my family in the US, my close friends on both coasts, or my childhood friends from Taiwan.
If i can put everyone i love in a box and take with me wherever i go, I think i would.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
結婚這種事需要計畫嗎
today i had several interesting conversations with my coworker. Not because it's intellectually interesting, rather it's interesting to communicate with people with different views on marriage based cultural/personal beliefs.
So since all the fellows are going through the least fun part of the fellowship (job hunting), she started telling me about this interview she went on today. She was told that basically there is a lot of competition, and that she better has a back-up plan. probably NOT the thing you want to hear from your interviewer when you have high hopes for a job. i was comforting her, telling her the advantages she she has over some of the other candidates i know who are also going for the same position. But honestly, in today's economy, it's very hard to stay positive. She then mentioned that even if she doesn't get the full time position, there might be a contractor position she can go for, and that if she gets it, it might not be a bad thing completely. Since she's always envisioned herself at least being engaged by the end of the 1 year fellowship. So not having a long term commitment to the company, while being a contractor, might be the best thing that can happen right now. So that if she meets someone, and they hit it off and decide to go back to India to get married, she still has that flexibility.
Of course, i was in awe a little bit. Maybe i should say first that she is Inidian, and she practice a particular religion within her community. So i think the norm is that the parents of a guy and a girl would talk to one another first. And if they approve, they will introduce their children to each other. And an engagement/wedding can soon follow. The entire process can take less than 6 months i think. and the couple can spend the majority of their relationship on the phone or via long-distance, before they decide to marry each other. Odd, i know, and risky. But i have to respect their religion. And truthfully marriage that root from free-will has a higher failure rate so who am I to judge?
But then it also made me think, that throughout this fellowship year, or even the year before that, or looking at the next year, the idea of 'marriage' almost never crossed my mind. It's not that i don't think about it, but i don't plan my life around it. To me it's sort of like a car accident, it will happen when it's supposed to happen, regardless the good effort you put it to encourage/prevent it. But then again, I am also wondering why i haven't felt that CALLING. Maybe you do have to set some time aside to think about being married one day, or to set some time a part to plan your life around it. So that other things don't take priority over marriage. Although i think it's somewhat of a bullsh*t idea, but i have to say that in the end i might be the person who is paying for my stubborness.
It's not that i don't go out and meet people, I do and i do that a lot. But you just get to a point where some nights you would prefer to stay in because you are just so sick of these unfruitful encouters, or meeting guys who you like who won't ask you out, or some divorcees who are VERY nice to you that you almost feel guilty about basing your judgement on the fact that he's not great looking and has childrean. It is SO HARD to meet someone who sort of fit that general list of criteria (notice i say GENERAL bc as single girls your'e not really allowed to be picky, or so i'm told).
And then some other lady who's on maternity leave brought in her twin babies. They were adorable and i had fun shaking hands with their chubby arms. But still i like playing with them, not so much having them myself. So apparently, not only have I not felt the marriage calling, i also do not feel very maternal at this point.
So what is wrong with me?
I would like to say nothing. but what if i end up paying for these life choices i make somewhere down the line? Like when i am 35 and single, i will think that I should have pushed myself EVEN MORE, and force myself to go out with people who i don't like as much, or should have asked a guy out MYSELF once or twice. I don't know.
I would like to think (and hope) that things like LOVE does not need to be planned. I am idealistic but i'm not unrealistic. I don't want or need to set 6 months of my life aside so i can focus on making the marriage thing happen. So far i think my strategy has really worked in my favor in terms of career development, but not so much in the dating department. I wonder why....
Of course, as previoiusly mentioned in my other posts, the single biggest bonus about being single is that you can move to wherever the heck it is, and not feel like you're leaving SOMETHIGN behind, or have regrets.
Speaking of the job hunting aspect...the reason why i am so chilled, is because the biggest news had happened for me approximately 3 weeks ago. I just can't disclose it right now. I wish i could. but i can't until have further confirmation. it's GOOD news. it's GREAT news actually. So i am not looking anymore. I just need to finalize a few things.
My sentiments toward my job has not changed...so you know that i'm not staying with my group. Further details will be provided...so just stay tune. but it's a life-changing decision i wish to share with everyone i care for/love. and I am really scared and excited at the same time...
So since all the fellows are going through the least fun part of the fellowship (job hunting), she started telling me about this interview she went on today. She was told that basically there is a lot of competition, and that she better has a back-up plan. probably NOT the thing you want to hear from your interviewer when you have high hopes for a job. i was comforting her, telling her the advantages she she has over some of the other candidates i know who are also going for the same position. But honestly, in today's economy, it's very hard to stay positive. She then mentioned that even if she doesn't get the full time position, there might be a contractor position she can go for, and that if she gets it, it might not be a bad thing completely. Since she's always envisioned herself at least being engaged by the end of the 1 year fellowship. So not having a long term commitment to the company, while being a contractor, might be the best thing that can happen right now. So that if she meets someone, and they hit it off and decide to go back to India to get married, she still has that flexibility.
Of course, i was in awe a little bit. Maybe i should say first that she is Inidian, and she practice a particular religion within her community. So i think the norm is that the parents of a guy and a girl would talk to one another first. And if they approve, they will introduce their children to each other. And an engagement/wedding can soon follow. The entire process can take less than 6 months i think. and the couple can spend the majority of their relationship on the phone or via long-distance, before they decide to marry each other. Odd, i know, and risky. But i have to respect their religion. And truthfully marriage that root from free-will has a higher failure rate so who am I to judge?
But then it also made me think, that throughout this fellowship year, or even the year before that, or looking at the next year, the idea of 'marriage' almost never crossed my mind. It's not that i don't think about it, but i don't plan my life around it. To me it's sort of like a car accident, it will happen when it's supposed to happen, regardless the good effort you put it to encourage/prevent it. But then again, I am also wondering why i haven't felt that CALLING. Maybe you do have to set some time aside to think about being married one day, or to set some time a part to plan your life around it. So that other things don't take priority over marriage. Although i think it's somewhat of a bullsh*t idea, but i have to say that in the end i might be the person who is paying for my stubborness.
It's not that i don't go out and meet people, I do and i do that a lot. But you just get to a point where some nights you would prefer to stay in because you are just so sick of these unfruitful encouters, or meeting guys who you like who won't ask you out, or some divorcees who are VERY nice to you that you almost feel guilty about basing your judgement on the fact that he's not great looking and has childrean. It is SO HARD to meet someone who sort of fit that general list of criteria (notice i say GENERAL bc as single girls your'e not really allowed to be picky, or so i'm told).
And then some other lady who's on maternity leave brought in her twin babies. They were adorable and i had fun shaking hands with their chubby arms. But still i like playing with them, not so much having them myself. So apparently, not only have I not felt the marriage calling, i also do not feel very maternal at this point.
So what is wrong with me?
I would like to say nothing. but what if i end up paying for these life choices i make somewhere down the line? Like when i am 35 and single, i will think that I should have pushed myself EVEN MORE, and force myself to go out with people who i don't like as much, or should have asked a guy out MYSELF once or twice. I don't know.
I would like to think (and hope) that things like LOVE does not need to be planned. I am idealistic but i'm not unrealistic. I don't want or need to set 6 months of my life aside so i can focus on making the marriage thing happen. So far i think my strategy has really worked in my favor in terms of career development, but not so much in the dating department. I wonder why....
Of course, as previoiusly mentioned in my other posts, the single biggest bonus about being single is that you can move to wherever the heck it is, and not feel like you're leaving SOMETHIGN behind, or have regrets.
Speaking of the job hunting aspect...the reason why i am so chilled, is because the biggest news had happened for me approximately 3 weeks ago. I just can't disclose it right now. I wish i could. but i can't until have further confirmation. it's GOOD news. it's GREAT news actually. So i am not looking anymore. I just need to finalize a few things.
My sentiments toward my job has not changed...so you know that i'm not staying with my group. Further details will be provided...so just stay tune. but it's a life-changing decision i wish to share with everyone i care for/love. and I am really scared and excited at the same time...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
this crush is SO OVER
i hate the fact that things are just a lot easier to come by for better looking guys...
i am calling it a crush because i know that:
1. i'm reading too much into it
2. i spend too much of my time wondering if this certain someone: likes me/has a gf/is potentially gay/is doing something with his time when he's not around/thinks i'm an idiot/thinks i'm too domineering at work
3. i'm blogging way too much about him and wasting my time/brain cells thinking about things in #2
anyway, this crush is SOOOO OVER. i am not going to spend another day analyzing what he did/didn't do. i want my attention/affection to be 'won' and not given.
I might be a good idea if i just go on a self-discovering tour in Europe. there is nothing that a trip to europe cannot cure.
And then maybe a trip to Mexico/Hawaii where i can just sit on the beach and sip a fruity cocktail.
and then i will feel MUCH BETTER about all of this. work, stuff, crush at work...will all be so far away from me.
i am calling it a crush because i know that:
1. i'm reading too much into it
2. i spend too much of my time wondering if this certain someone: likes me/has a gf/is potentially gay/is doing something with his time when he's not around/thinks i'm an idiot/thinks i'm too domineering at work
3. i'm blogging way too much about him and wasting my time/brain cells thinking about things in #2
anyway, this crush is SOOOO OVER. i am not going to spend another day analyzing what he did/didn't do. i want my attention/affection to be 'won' and not given.
I might be a good idea if i just go on a self-discovering tour in Europe. there is nothing that a trip to europe cannot cure.
And then maybe a trip to Mexico/Hawaii where i can just sit on the beach and sip a fruity cocktail.
and then i will feel MUCH BETTER about all of this. work, stuff, crush at work...will all be so far away from me.
Monday, April 11, 2011
today is the day i realized that we are not compatible
i must say this is not the first time. but today is the day i realize that we are not compatible. in ways more than one.
apparently when you like someone, you tend to build these fluffy thoughts around them. You think that you have the most interesting conversation with each other. You imagine that you have this connection with him when nobody else does. you imagine that he teases you because he actually likes you and wants to flirts with you. you imagine that when he doesn't talk to you he must think about you from time to time. you imagine that he worries about your well-being. you imagine that he remembers the things you tell him. The reality is, a lot of it is also all in your head. When you really think about it, when you were in deep-shit in the winter, he was nowhere to be found. when you hinted at needing recommendations for places to go in his town (when you can perfectly look this up yourself or ask someone else) he didn't really play along with it. when you texted him at the conference hoping that he'd want to meet for coffee, you got a non-no and non-yes because he was too 'busy'. When you hear him pass by your cube you want him to stop and let that be a sign that he likes you and it doesn't really happen unless it's about work-related thing. you stop your urge of dropping by to say hi 'just because' so that you can see how many days you can go without talking to each other and the # is FOUR because on the fifth day you have weekly 1 on 1 meetings with each other that are previously scheduled. you ask him how his weekend is or anything else for that matter and he discloses only very minimally about places he went and things he did. you think he might still be on-and-off with his gf because they still talk all the time and you suspect that he is seeing someone right now, or worse yet, could be gay, but that is never confirmed. you want him to sit next to you at work functions and he doesn't. he wonder if he would turn around and say hi to you and start talking to you and he doesn't. you're forced to act distant as well because you don't want people (or him) to tell that there is any sign of attachment/immaturity. And then you realize that you really are not all that compatible at all.
yes, he is cute and charming, and is somewhat successful becuase he's been at the right place at the right time. and he shares a similiar background in that he also immigrated later to the US and is still quite in touch with his heritage.
but then you realize that you are just the same, and perhaps even better. you are charming, and you are a warm person who cares about a lot of things and a lot of people. you speak more languages than this dude will ever have the brain capacity for, and you are perfectly clear about what you love and hate about work and who is real and who isn't. you never let anything at work take over your life or your sanity or affect your value system. you believe in being 'nice'. and you want justice to prevail. you work hard and you're continuously learning and you never give up. And you are landing one sweet job after another because you deserve it. you've seen more places in this world than he has in his 26 year of life. and you're a tough cookie who's moved many, many times, for work or school and you're still standing here. you've been extremely lucky and you too, have been at the right place at the right time. and you go out of your way to spend time and help people. your photos are of good food, fun time traveling, and great friends and close family members. whereas his pictures are mostly about his same 5 buddies who also have lived in the same area for the past 26 years. and drinking, and busty girls.
so you should no better that, you're not compatible with each other. so stop being/feeling sad/vulnerable. just full stop.
i really don't want to give a sh*t about him anymore.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
This weekend
I said i wasn't going to blog about sad things, and this is probably the 100th time i've broken that rule. So to stick to a part of my promise, i will preface it with a happy thing i did this weekend. i met up with two friends who i met here who are also from San Diego. And again we bit**ed about NJ during dinner at a Thai place ;)..and we also watched a movied called The Adjustment Bureau. i HIGHLY recommend it. Just....so action packed, and romantic.
Ok that's it. my next post is supposed to be the REAL post du jour.
Ok that's it. my next post is supposed to be the REAL post du jour.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Fun and Yum places in nyc
Was in new york over the weekend for a diabetes meeting. trying to chronicle the food places before i forget yet again:
Russian Vodka Room: super yummy strawberry infused vodka, pear and apricot vodka, and home fries with mushrooms
Death and Co: great atmosphere for chats with friends. Yummy champagn cocktail called 'pillow talk' and yummy dessert "toffee bread pudding"
Yuca Bar and Restaurant: had white sangria, churrascaria, and a shrimp ceviche
La Bonne Soupe: serves great crepe (and soup apparently)
Victor's Cafe: Yummy Cuban food and REALLY worth the price. Live music. had this amazing appetizer with plaintain on the outside and ground pork on the inside, and amazing pulled marinated cuban pork with blackbean and rice.
Magnolia Cafe: cupcake and peppermint tea misto.
Blue Dog Cafe: Lox Bagel with hazelnut coffee.
Despite everything that's happened at work and with people at work, I'm going to miss New York a lot when I leave.
Russian Vodka Room: super yummy strawberry infused vodka, pear and apricot vodka, and home fries with mushrooms
Death and Co: great atmosphere for chats with friends. Yummy champagn cocktail called 'pillow talk' and yummy dessert "toffee bread pudding"
Yuca Bar and Restaurant: had white sangria, churrascaria, and a shrimp ceviche
La Bonne Soupe: serves great crepe (and soup apparently)
Victor's Cafe: Yummy Cuban food and REALLY worth the price. Live music. had this amazing appetizer with plaintain on the outside and ground pork on the inside, and amazing pulled marinated cuban pork with blackbean and rice.
Magnolia Cafe: cupcake and peppermint tea misto.
Blue Dog Cafe: Lox Bagel with hazelnut coffee.
Despite everything that's happened at work and with people at work, I'm going to miss New York a lot when I leave.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A bad sign
when I start to imagine conversations we never had in my head.
Ugh. STOP FALLING FOR UNAVAILABLE MEN (although the fact that he's unavailable remains unknown because i never asked).
In any case, it is highly likely that i am leaving in 5 months. and it is highly likely that he won't care more than just as a friend/preceptor.
Yes, that's the problem, he is my preceptor/boss. HE is that young man who i referred to in my previous post as someone my age who graduated from the same program that i am in 2 years ago, who is already working f/t for the company. Who had to step in as my preceptor because my original preceptor was leaving our group, who i 'thought' i had interesting talks/chemistry with. Apparently/hopefully it is all in my head.
it is HIGHLY inconvenient to have to spend about 1 hr a week talking to him 1:1, where he gets to ask you questions about all aspects of your life. And he likes details. So i realize I end up telling more than i originally intend to. Because like always, i have verbal diarrhea and i can't control it. I'm sure he now realizes that i have bipolar disorder (meaning i can be extremely manly/feminine, professional/childish at the same time, as validated by almost everyone around me, especially my sister K).
and i hate that i have to share with him things that i feel vulnerable about, that i dont' share with other people. BECAUSE he is now my preceptor, and he knows the right question to ask because he's been there, it's easy for him to probe, the challenges. I can't just quickly breeze through the highlights. So it makes it really hard for me to be like that, sharing what has been going really well, and what hasn't been going so well, with someone who i am not related to.
I really don't want to depend on him as my 'therapist' in that regard. Although it is nice to have someone to rely on to solve my problems, i realize there's limits to what he can do/provide, being such a newbie in the company himself. I don't know if he willingly or was forced into the position of preceptorship. But by now he should probably regret that he is obligated to spend at least 1 hr a week to listen to me rant. And now we actually sit on the same team so outside of these 1:1's, we also have meetings together. And i really hate to look stupid in front of someone who i sort of care. ugh.
And that's when you know that you might like someone, which i really don't like, given the circumstances. I am a firm believer of 'he's just not that into you', so if he hasn't tried anything that probably means that he's really just not that into me. And even if it's his rational side talking, that i am his 'fellow', if you put two rational people together, nothing can come of it either. because i'm never going to hit on him.
I REALLY wish i didn't care as much. I feel really sad at the same time that it's a crush that is goin to end soon (at least by June), because i partly really dont' want to stay. Not everything has been horrible. But from time to time i really miss home. Although that's also a silly idea, because is home where my parents are? or where i know the most people? because technically, i don't know that many people in tw other than my handful of friends from middle school. I definitely know more in california now, and i have met some really cool ones in Jersey as well. I just always feel so torn about where to go, what decision to make, if it's going to affect my 'marriage' future (even though i try not to think about it).
I think i'm just sad that, even though i put so much though into my imminent departure, that SOMEONE probably has no idea at all. I refuse to intepret his kind actions to me as signs of 'liking me'. he might be like that with everyone. he's a well-liked guy. And he's cute enough that everyone has a crush on him.
ugh. why can't it be super easy when it comes to relationships for me. I want to meet cute with someone, date cute with someone, and marry cute with someone, hopefully with no obstacles. I dont' ever want to choose, to take a step back, or feel sad.
Ugh. STOP FALLING FOR UNAVAILABLE MEN (although the fact that he's unavailable remains unknown because i never asked).
In any case, it is highly likely that i am leaving in 5 months. and it is highly likely that he won't care more than just as a friend/preceptor.
Yes, that's the problem, he is my preceptor/boss. HE is that young man who i referred to in my previous post as someone my age who graduated from the same program that i am in 2 years ago, who is already working f/t for the company. Who had to step in as my preceptor because my original preceptor was leaving our group, who i 'thought' i had interesting talks/chemistry with. Apparently/hopefully it is all in my head.
it is HIGHLY inconvenient to have to spend about 1 hr a week talking to him 1:1, where he gets to ask you questions about all aspects of your life. And he likes details. So i realize I end up telling more than i originally intend to. Because like always, i have verbal diarrhea and i can't control it. I'm sure he now realizes that i have bipolar disorder (meaning i can be extremely manly/feminine, professional/childish at the same time, as validated by almost everyone around me, especially my sister K).
and i hate that i have to share with him things that i feel vulnerable about, that i dont' share with other people. BECAUSE he is now my preceptor, and he knows the right question to ask because he's been there, it's easy for him to probe, the challenges. I can't just quickly breeze through the highlights. So it makes it really hard for me to be like that, sharing what has been going really well, and what hasn't been going so well, with someone who i am not related to.
I really don't want to depend on him as my 'therapist' in that regard. Although it is nice to have someone to rely on to solve my problems, i realize there's limits to what he can do/provide, being such a newbie in the company himself. I don't know if he willingly or was forced into the position of preceptorship. But by now he should probably regret that he is obligated to spend at least 1 hr a week to listen to me rant. And now we actually sit on the same team so outside of these 1:1's, we also have meetings together. And i really hate to look stupid in front of someone who i sort of care. ugh.
And that's when you know that you might like someone, which i really don't like, given the circumstances. I am a firm believer of 'he's just not that into you', so if he hasn't tried anything that probably means that he's really just not that into me. And even if it's his rational side talking, that i am his 'fellow', if you put two rational people together, nothing can come of it either. because i'm never going to hit on him.
I REALLY wish i didn't care as much. I feel really sad at the same time that it's a crush that is goin to end soon (at least by June), because i partly really dont' want to stay. Not everything has been horrible. But from time to time i really miss home. Although that's also a silly idea, because is home where my parents are? or where i know the most people? because technically, i don't know that many people in tw other than my handful of friends from middle school. I definitely know more in california now, and i have met some really cool ones in Jersey as well. I just always feel so torn about where to go, what decision to make, if it's going to affect my 'marriage' future (even though i try not to think about it).
I think i'm just sad that, even though i put so much though into my imminent departure, that SOMEONE probably has no idea at all. I refuse to intepret his kind actions to me as signs of 'liking me'. he might be like that with everyone. he's a well-liked guy. And he's cute enough that everyone has a crush on him.
ugh. why can't it be super easy when it comes to relationships for me. I want to meet cute with someone, date cute with someone, and marry cute with someone, hopefully with no obstacles. I dont' ever want to choose, to take a step back, or feel sad.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The countdown begins
This monday is definitely a eventful monday unlike others...I was not prepared for any of this. Well, i was prepared for the meetings, but i wasn't prepared for some of the events that happened during and after the meetings. And thus my countdown begins...
Major event #1: Connecting with the director at the Global Publication Center of Excellence
I have to say that, my ex-preceptor (aka my ex-boss who is transitioning out) has hinted that a majority of jobs will come from the CoE, because they are looking for people who have my skills in publications, my knowledge in my therapeutic area (CV/Metabolics), AND i manage not one, but TWO major diabetes brands. So after my boss's departure, i have become the one person who has a lot of training in both the publications management and operations pieces, which, i guess, makes me really valueable to the newly formed CoE. So this morning we had a download meeting with the new director, my ex-boss and i. Basically, we had to explain to her what activities have been goin on at CV/Met, and what my role has been. Immediately after the meeting, my boss went up to talk to the lady, although was not clear why.
Minutes later, she popped into my cube, asking me how much interest i have staying with the group, especially being the publication operations person for the department. She suggested that i reach out to the CoE again to express my desire, and also she has strongly advocated for me, and will continue to do so.
A couple hours later, we also had another meeting with the Director of Metabolics, who oversees BOTH diabetes products which i support. Again my boss was strongly advocating for my role in the department, saying that everybody will really need my help, and suggest that the DIRECTOR also advocate for me to stay.
And ALL THIS happened right after i sort of decided myself how the rest of the 6 months is going to go just a couple days ago. I have been doing a lot of thinking, like I always do, about family, my job, my potential marriage life, what makes me happy, my friends...etc. What has and will always be my priority, is my family (and my closest friends), although they have kind of been taking the back seat with my career in the way. I almost feel that i am goin to develop split personalities by having so many roles that i try to take on. I want to make sure i am there for my parents when they are old. I am beginning to feel that they need my assistance more and more, and the thought of leaving them waiting in Taiwan while grow professionally kills me. I dont know how many years i can afford to have them 'wait' for my return. At the same time, this 'thought' makes me suffer in my romantic life. I dont' blame it on my family at all, but i know that deep down if i do meet someone who is impossible to bring home, then that pretty much means i will have to sacrifice being with my family in order to stay with 'the one'. and the thought of that scares me too. And so, perhaps i am not proactively meeting people as i should. Next up, because of my career i push myself to do these things that i don't 'love', but perhaps would be good in the future at some point, like constantly moving, by myself, doing really challenging projects, being at social functions that make me really uncomfortable just to 'network'....And that's primarily why i was so sad everytime i come back from Taiwan. I wonder why i voluntarily put myself through this. I could spend all my time in taiwan doing what i love to do, exploring new restaurants/places to go with my oldest, and closest friends, have really easy get-togethers with them without worrying how i might be perceived or how much i need to impress them, and i also spend a lot of time with my parents just running errands, or going to places. I just miss being in that environment where you can almost do no wrong, and make no wrong decision. Because you don't have to wake up to another day of crappy 'black ice' or snow on the street, and try to dig your friggin car out because no one else will do it (least no man), and make your way to work, and at the end of the day, keep your 'true thoughts' to yourself because everything is new, and everyone is new, and you really can't be sure who is your true friend at work.
I want nothing more, to be happy. I want to have a job which i enjoy, and i want to be around people who i love and who will miss me when i am gone.
Given that i should be REALLY APPRECIATIVE knowing that my boss is actively campaigning for me to stay. if this happens to any other fellow, they would probably die in ectasy. However because of my special circumstances, i really really am put into an awkward situation, where i can't say that i'm 'completely not interested' to my boss's face, and i also don't want to wait til that point when i actually 'get the job', and say that actually i didn't want to stay at all. The truth is, with the economy this bad, and so many fellows/applicants trying to break into industry, i should be happy that my efforts are being recognized and valued on the team. and i really do appreciate my ex-boss. who has spent so much time with me, teaching me everything she knows and answering all my questions so i can be indepent and functional today. I honestly dont mind doing publications, but i had just decided to align my interests and experiences with what can potentially get me a job in Asia, aka Taiwan. From my conversation with the Medical Director from Taiwan, i was told that they need people who understand how Clinical Operations work, and people with Marketing experience. So i was going to focus my efforts on these two areas specifically. but now i am getting this 'push' from my boss to start applying for the publications position before they get filled, and start working full time immediately, i almost feel that my 'objectives' will have to be put on back burner. Is that going to help me in the long run? I really don't know. do i still have another year or two to waste away (in terms of age and marriage potential) to fight for my career?
And I thought it was going to be easy to walk away from it all.
2) My 1:1 with my new preceptor: aka the only good lookin guy on the entire team, which makes it extremely inconvenient
Yes, i'm not sure if i mentioned it in my previous posts, since so many changes have been goin on around here. But basically, the only cute guy in my department, is now my preceptor, because he has been promoted and now has transitioned to support the diabetes product. and with my preceptor leaving, he's taking over her role as my new preceptor. Aside from the fact that we've chatted like friends before this all happened, and we had a few fun chats together and the fact that i thought he was somewhat cute. I had to put ALL THAT aside and focus on my fellowship and my fellowship only. Because i tend to just turn somethings off when the situation requires me to be professional.
Anyway, we haven't officially had our 1:1 until today, because for the past 2 weeks i have been running around like a headless man for the recruitment. And now that the offer has gone out, I can really just focus on ME. So the dreaded and the much anticipated day comes...i pretty much came clean. What has happened to me thus far, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The challenges i have had, the obstacles i have had, the difficult people i had to work with or continue to work with, EVERYTHING. i can't tell if he actually felt sorry or good for me. Although he says he understands. he then proceeded to give me his perspective. similar things had happened while he was a fellow. althoug i have to say that i get much LESS support from the diabetes team because my position is quite new. I have to constantly try to prove myself, show what i can do, ask for projects relentlessly...it does become...really tiring. Even though i can be quite scarily tenacious, it gets really frustrating sometimes (which is why i also just really want to go home home into the arms of my sweet parents/friends and just F this all sometimes).
So HE said he's going to advocate for me...but he of course expects me to operate somewhat independently, and go to him with updates/problems. but he will try to make the rest of my fellowship what i hope it to be (of course like a maniac and control freak, i went to the meeting with objectives that i hope to achieve in the next couple months). So he learned about the connections i have made in Asia, and connections i have made internally ( i bet these guys really think i'm a scary woman but i really AM normal....). Anyway it sounded like he understands.
But can i trust him?
**************************************************
Happy things for the day: knowing there might be a job, having my very honest 1:1 with my new boss, having lunch at Positano's with a cool friend, and meeting up with some cool friends at Salt Creek Grille for happy hour
Yesterday: Belly Dancing show at Cecil's Bar and Restaurant in West Orange, NJ, with my dear mentor in the program. :)
Major event #1: Connecting with the director at the Global Publication Center of Excellence
I have to say that, my ex-preceptor (aka my ex-boss who is transitioning out) has hinted that a majority of jobs will come from the CoE, because they are looking for people who have my skills in publications, my knowledge in my therapeutic area (CV/Metabolics), AND i manage not one, but TWO major diabetes brands. So after my boss's departure, i have become the one person who has a lot of training in both the publications management and operations pieces, which, i guess, makes me really valueable to the newly formed CoE. So this morning we had a download meeting with the new director, my ex-boss and i. Basically, we had to explain to her what activities have been goin on at CV/Met, and what my role has been. Immediately after the meeting, my boss went up to talk to the lady, although was not clear why.
Minutes later, she popped into my cube, asking me how much interest i have staying with the group, especially being the publication operations person for the department. She suggested that i reach out to the CoE again to express my desire, and also she has strongly advocated for me, and will continue to do so.
A couple hours later, we also had another meeting with the Director of Metabolics, who oversees BOTH diabetes products which i support. Again my boss was strongly advocating for my role in the department, saying that everybody will really need my help, and suggest that the DIRECTOR also advocate for me to stay.
And ALL THIS happened right after i sort of decided myself how the rest of the 6 months is going to go just a couple days ago. I have been doing a lot of thinking, like I always do, about family, my job, my potential marriage life, what makes me happy, my friends...etc. What has and will always be my priority, is my family (and my closest friends), although they have kind of been taking the back seat with my career in the way. I almost feel that i am goin to develop split personalities by having so many roles that i try to take on. I want to make sure i am there for my parents when they are old. I am beginning to feel that they need my assistance more and more, and the thought of leaving them waiting in Taiwan while grow professionally kills me. I dont know how many years i can afford to have them 'wait' for my return. At the same time, this 'thought' makes me suffer in my romantic life. I dont' blame it on my family at all, but i know that deep down if i do meet someone who is impossible to bring home, then that pretty much means i will have to sacrifice being with my family in order to stay with 'the one'. and the thought of that scares me too. And so, perhaps i am not proactively meeting people as i should. Next up, because of my career i push myself to do these things that i don't 'love', but perhaps would be good in the future at some point, like constantly moving, by myself, doing really challenging projects, being at social functions that make me really uncomfortable just to 'network'....And that's primarily why i was so sad everytime i come back from Taiwan. I wonder why i voluntarily put myself through this. I could spend all my time in taiwan doing what i love to do, exploring new restaurants/places to go with my oldest, and closest friends, have really easy get-togethers with them without worrying how i might be perceived or how much i need to impress them, and i also spend a lot of time with my parents just running errands, or going to places. I just miss being in that environment where you can almost do no wrong, and make no wrong decision. Because you don't have to wake up to another day of crappy 'black ice' or snow on the street, and try to dig your friggin car out because no one else will do it (least no man), and make your way to work, and at the end of the day, keep your 'true thoughts' to yourself because everything is new, and everyone is new, and you really can't be sure who is your true friend at work.
I want nothing more, to be happy. I want to have a job which i enjoy, and i want to be around people who i love and who will miss me when i am gone.
Given that i should be REALLY APPRECIATIVE knowing that my boss is actively campaigning for me to stay. if this happens to any other fellow, they would probably die in ectasy. However because of my special circumstances, i really really am put into an awkward situation, where i can't say that i'm 'completely not interested' to my boss's face, and i also don't want to wait til that point when i actually 'get the job', and say that actually i didn't want to stay at all. The truth is, with the economy this bad, and so many fellows/applicants trying to break into industry, i should be happy that my efforts are being recognized and valued on the team. and i really do appreciate my ex-boss. who has spent so much time with me, teaching me everything she knows and answering all my questions so i can be indepent and functional today. I honestly dont mind doing publications, but i had just decided to align my interests and experiences with what can potentially get me a job in Asia, aka Taiwan. From my conversation with the Medical Director from Taiwan, i was told that they need people who understand how Clinical Operations work, and people with Marketing experience. So i was going to focus my efforts on these two areas specifically. but now i am getting this 'push' from my boss to start applying for the publications position before they get filled, and start working full time immediately, i almost feel that my 'objectives' will have to be put on back burner. Is that going to help me in the long run? I really don't know. do i still have another year or two to waste away (in terms of age and marriage potential) to fight for my career?
And I thought it was going to be easy to walk away from it all.
2) My 1:1 with my new preceptor: aka the only good lookin guy on the entire team, which makes it extremely inconvenient
Yes, i'm not sure if i mentioned it in my previous posts, since so many changes have been goin on around here. But basically, the only cute guy in my department, is now my preceptor, because he has been promoted and now has transitioned to support the diabetes product. and with my preceptor leaving, he's taking over her role as my new preceptor. Aside from the fact that we've chatted like friends before this all happened, and we had a few fun chats together and the fact that i thought he was somewhat cute. I had to put ALL THAT aside and focus on my fellowship and my fellowship only. Because i tend to just turn somethings off when the situation requires me to be professional.
Anyway, we haven't officially had our 1:1 until today, because for the past 2 weeks i have been running around like a headless man for the recruitment. And now that the offer has gone out, I can really just focus on ME. So the dreaded and the much anticipated day comes...i pretty much came clean. What has happened to me thus far, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The challenges i have had, the obstacles i have had, the difficult people i had to work with or continue to work with, EVERYTHING. i can't tell if he actually felt sorry or good for me. Although he says he understands. he then proceeded to give me his perspective. similar things had happened while he was a fellow. althoug i have to say that i get much LESS support from the diabetes team because my position is quite new. I have to constantly try to prove myself, show what i can do, ask for projects relentlessly...it does become...really tiring. Even though i can be quite scarily tenacious, it gets really frustrating sometimes (which is why i also just really want to go home home into the arms of my sweet parents/friends and just F this all sometimes).
So HE said he's going to advocate for me...but he of course expects me to operate somewhat independently, and go to him with updates/problems. but he will try to make the rest of my fellowship what i hope it to be (of course like a maniac and control freak, i went to the meeting with objectives that i hope to achieve in the next couple months). So he learned about the connections i have made in Asia, and connections i have made internally ( i bet these guys really think i'm a scary woman but i really AM normal....). Anyway it sounded like he understands.
But can i trust him?
**************************************************
Happy things for the day: knowing there might be a job, having my very honest 1:1 with my new boss, having lunch at Positano's with a cool friend, and meeting up with some cool friends at Salt Creek Grille for happy hour
Yesterday: Belly Dancing show at Cecil's Bar and Restaurant in West Orange, NJ, with my dear mentor in the program. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
job prospect in tw
經過公司裏的人輾轉介紹
我昨天居然跟台灣必治妥的一位Medical Director通到越洋電話
他是負責台灣香港和澳門的
而且他還是我想做的那個部門的主管
跟我聊了超久
給了我一堆建議
我還強推我的履歷
結果:
"部門現在沒有空缺" Orz....
叫我再等一等....可惡
我昨天居然跟台灣必治妥的一位Medical Director通到越洋電話
他是負責台灣香港和澳門的
而且他還是我想做的那個部門的主管
跟我聊了超久
給了我一堆建議
我還強推我的履歷
結果:
"部門現在沒有空缺" Orz....
叫我再等一等....可惡
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Oh well
Oh well, you can't have EVERYTHING.
my co-fellows SUCK. and i try hard everyday not to use expletives on them.
and today i really want to just use that song of Lily Allen's
"F U, F U very very much...."
you get the picture.
2011 never got a great start. i wonder what i can do to balance out all this negative energy around me. Last year i was a lot more gun-ho about everything. and now i'm just like Eh... and also just really fed up with the F'ers who i still hate. i'm wonderin if by sucking out my love life and social life in NJ, I'm giving up too much for these FM'ers to be away from those things that really matter to me.
Anyway. you can tell i can use some anger management some days. or most of the days.
my co-fellows SUCK. and i try hard everyday not to use expletives on them.
and today i really want to just use that song of Lily Allen's
"F U, F U very very much...."
you get the picture.
2011 never got a great start. i wonder what i can do to balance out all this negative energy around me. Last year i was a lot more gun-ho about everything. and now i'm just like Eh... and also just really fed up with the F'ers who i still hate. i'm wonderin if by sucking out my love life and social life in NJ, I'm giving up too much for these FM'ers to be away from those things that really matter to me.
Anyway. you can tell i can use some anger management some days. or most of the days.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
All aspects of my life
[I PROMISE that i will be updating stuff about my very fun trip in Taiwan...in the next post? ;) ]
I have to admit that, since i got back, i have sort of been in a emotional funk. This usually happens right after i see my family and friends in taiwan. I still feel that i'm improving each day. But with the snow and the winter ahead...and not even my cali friends in sight, it's been a slow process.
Especially after the car accident on Friday, and the fact that i've been sort on house arrest over the weekend. Its a bit hard to picture myself here for the next 6 months, consecutively, because the holiday season is behind me.
Of course another part of me wants to think that i may only have 6 months left here on the east coast, i should really take the most advantage of it. And i know i tend to focus on the bad stuff. It's a fault in my personality. But it's hard not to. When you're in a emotional funk, it's hard to make yourself go to another Meetup event (it's a website that allows people with the same interest to get together and do fun outing stuff). Because i'm just so tired of having meet more and more people and try to impress them by being this fun and outgoing person. Although i do enjoy the new friendships that i've made, i dont think i'm in the position to show up when i am not emotionally 'well'.
This morning i almost fell on my ass on the way walking to my car because of all the slippery ice on the ground. I literally could hear my tendon make this weird sound before i finally stablized myself. I better have not torn my tendon...because that would seriously be another icing on the cake of 'winter misery". Of course following that, I still intended to go out and practice driving to the nearest coffee shop, so i proceeded to spend the next half an hour getting snow off my car. ughhhh. perhaps it really is time to get a local 'helper/bf' if anyway is willing to date me. :P So at least i dont' have to feel so intimated thinking about leaving the house in the morning. I still think the light and fluffy snow is really pretty. I just don't want to drive in it. and the fact that i got into an accident the FIRST day i was in the snow just totally sucked. It's casting a shadow on the rest of the season. I do feel that i got a little PTSD from it....just feeling myself losing control of the car. (tears)
I still sit next to this co-worker who although is not on my medical strategy team, is trying to always try to get INTO my team by having lunch with everyone around me, and by acting in agreement with them like a super big helper to everyone. At first i perceived him as a nice guy when i first started, but then i realized that he kept trying to get information out of me by understanind what i 'do' with medical strategy', and by saying that HE also does the same thing (to my face). And he's also beeing taking projects that my predecessor used to do (away from me). and by telling everyone taht he sees himself in the home office after he finishes his fellowships (he's a 2nd year). He has totally crossed the line by stepping over. So he along with some of the other fellows incomprehensible enthusiasm about the company used to annoy me to no end. Especially what they have exhibited during out recruitment in california, the amount of un-civility towards the bad candidates. I had to try REALLY, REALLY hard to maintain in my mind that i am doing the right thing and not be affected. So now that i'm back, i try to remind myself that the countdown has begun. i have exactly 6 months left, so please do not get attached to the negative people/things anymore.
Another aspect that i can think of is that, i have been connecting with a lot of people who may be a terrific professional contact. Since the re-structuring, i've lost my preceptor, who is a big supporter/advocate for me. And there also has been more work to go around. it really is an opportunity to showcase myself, like she had mentioned. If i really step it up during this time and show my value to the broader diabetes team, and enough people advocate for me, i may really have a chance to stay. I also have been in touch with this other woman who oversees the broader publication department over on the Global BMS side, who also appreciates the fact that i sit on US HQ, and wants to keep in touch with me because an opportunity can really open up in her division where they need someone on the US side to manage publication plans. Another person i have also been in contact with is this person who works for BMS in Hong Kong. I was referred to him by a physician who my German boss introduced to me who is on tour of duty in Singapore. Somehow that person passed my contact info on to the guy in HK. So we had a call last thursday. The conversation went SUPER well, and he mentioned that he will try to talk to the director in Taiwan to see if there are opportunities available. I guess i will find out soon enough. In any case, these are some of the lines of communication I have been working on. I would be really curious to find out what happens at the end of the year.
Lastly, and really quickly, about my love life (is there one?), i haven't been goin to that dance class because of my vacation and my bad moods. But if the snow isn't too bad next tuesday, i may actually go. Although i do somewhat realize now that if all my interaction with that dude is kept at light flirting and smiling and small talks, if he doesn't ask me out, the chances are NOTHING will ever come of it. and then there's this old flame who i had a 'puppy love' sort of relationship with a LONG time back in taiwan, who i saw and talked to when i went back this time. I can't believe that history still affects me so...i wish we can just get past it. The fact that we are both still single doesn't help either. because it always sounds like there is still something there, when the reality is i dont know where he stands, and he doesn't know where i stand, and we live half a globe away from each other. So when we do connect on msn messenger, we get back to old habits of chatting in a childish, flirty, and feisty ways. and HE (not me) says stuff like, 'that's why we are compatible with each other', or ' i only liked you in middle school'...etc. which totally messes with my mind. I dont think he realizes that i have changed a lot since middle school, i am scarily focused on what i want in life (this i think he knows), opinionated, pessimistic about men (he might know this), well-travelled (don't think he knows), easily annoyed, easily angered while driving (he might not realize). i just dont know if any guy with a normal ego can deal with that. and yes, i worry a lot. and i talk myself out of every possible relationship there is. So i tell myself everyday, since i got back, that it's dangerous to think you will end up with one person and one person only, who is your puppy love. it almost NEVER happens.
Ok. should really wrap up around now. before it gets too long and boring (probably already is). ;)
I have to admit that, since i got back, i have sort of been in a emotional funk. This usually happens right after i see my family and friends in taiwan. I still feel that i'm improving each day. But with the snow and the winter ahead...and not even my cali friends in sight, it's been a slow process.
Especially after the car accident on Friday, and the fact that i've been sort on house arrest over the weekend. Its a bit hard to picture myself here for the next 6 months, consecutively, because the holiday season is behind me.
Of course another part of me wants to think that i may only have 6 months left here on the east coast, i should really take the most advantage of it. And i know i tend to focus on the bad stuff. It's a fault in my personality. But it's hard not to. When you're in a emotional funk, it's hard to make yourself go to another Meetup event (it's a website that allows people with the same interest to get together and do fun outing stuff). Because i'm just so tired of having meet more and more people and try to impress them by being this fun and outgoing person. Although i do enjoy the new friendships that i've made, i dont think i'm in the position to show up when i am not emotionally 'well'.
This morning i almost fell on my ass on the way walking to my car because of all the slippery ice on the ground. I literally could hear my tendon make this weird sound before i finally stablized myself. I better have not torn my tendon...because that would seriously be another icing on the cake of 'winter misery". Of course following that, I still intended to go out and practice driving to the nearest coffee shop, so i proceeded to spend the next half an hour getting snow off my car. ughhhh. perhaps it really is time to get a local 'helper/bf' if anyway is willing to date me. :P So at least i dont' have to feel so intimated thinking about leaving the house in the morning. I still think the light and fluffy snow is really pretty. I just don't want to drive in it. and the fact that i got into an accident the FIRST day i was in the snow just totally sucked. It's casting a shadow on the rest of the season. I do feel that i got a little PTSD from it....just feeling myself losing control of the car. (tears)
I still sit next to this co-worker who although is not on my medical strategy team, is trying to always try to get INTO my team by having lunch with everyone around me, and by acting in agreement with them like a super big helper to everyone. At first i perceived him as a nice guy when i first started, but then i realized that he kept trying to get information out of me by understanind what i 'do' with medical strategy', and by saying that HE also does the same thing (to my face). And he's also beeing taking projects that my predecessor used to do (away from me). and by telling everyone taht he sees himself in the home office after he finishes his fellowships (he's a 2nd year). He has totally crossed the line by stepping over. So he along with some of the other fellows incomprehensible enthusiasm about the company used to annoy me to no end. Especially what they have exhibited during out recruitment in california, the amount of un-civility towards the bad candidates. I had to try REALLY, REALLY hard to maintain in my mind that i am doing the right thing and not be affected. So now that i'm back, i try to remind myself that the countdown has begun. i have exactly 6 months left, so please do not get attached to the negative people/things anymore.
Another aspect that i can think of is that, i have been connecting with a lot of people who may be a terrific professional contact. Since the re-structuring, i've lost my preceptor, who is a big supporter/advocate for me. And there also has been more work to go around. it really is an opportunity to showcase myself, like she had mentioned. If i really step it up during this time and show my value to the broader diabetes team, and enough people advocate for me, i may really have a chance to stay. I also have been in touch with this other woman who oversees the broader publication department over on the Global BMS side, who also appreciates the fact that i sit on US HQ, and wants to keep in touch with me because an opportunity can really open up in her division where they need someone on the US side to manage publication plans. Another person i have also been in contact with is this person who works for BMS in Hong Kong. I was referred to him by a physician who my German boss introduced to me who is on tour of duty in Singapore. Somehow that person passed my contact info on to the guy in HK. So we had a call last thursday. The conversation went SUPER well, and he mentioned that he will try to talk to the director in Taiwan to see if there are opportunities available. I guess i will find out soon enough. In any case, these are some of the lines of communication I have been working on. I would be really curious to find out what happens at the end of the year.
Lastly, and really quickly, about my love life (is there one?), i haven't been goin to that dance class because of my vacation and my bad moods. But if the snow isn't too bad next tuesday, i may actually go. Although i do somewhat realize now that if all my interaction with that dude is kept at light flirting and smiling and small talks, if he doesn't ask me out, the chances are NOTHING will ever come of it. and then there's this old flame who i had a 'puppy love' sort of relationship with a LONG time back in taiwan, who i saw and talked to when i went back this time. I can't believe that history still affects me so...i wish we can just get past it. The fact that we are both still single doesn't help either. because it always sounds like there is still something there, when the reality is i dont know where he stands, and he doesn't know where i stand, and we live half a globe away from each other. So when we do connect on msn messenger, we get back to old habits of chatting in a childish, flirty, and feisty ways. and HE (not me) says stuff like, 'that's why we are compatible with each other', or ' i only liked you in middle school'...etc. which totally messes with my mind. I dont think he realizes that i have changed a lot since middle school, i am scarily focused on what i want in life (this i think he knows), opinionated, pessimistic about men (he might know this), well-travelled (don't think he knows), easily annoyed, easily angered while driving (he might not realize). i just dont know if any guy with a normal ego can deal with that. and yes, i worry a lot. and i talk myself out of every possible relationship there is. So i tell myself everyday, since i got back, that it's dangerous to think you will end up with one person and one person only, who is your puppy love. it almost NEVER happens.
Ok. should really wrap up around now. before it gets too long and boring (probably already is). ;)
Friday, January 7, 2011
還好沒有太認真
感情這種東西 還是不要太死心眼的好
覺得命中注定只會跟一個人在一起
還是說有人活在世界的另一個角落 其實跟妳是心靈伴侶
都是很危險的想法
單身的好處和壞處
就是做決定時
只需要想到自己
對自己和家人好的那個決定
就是對的決定
習慣了這樣果決的自己
是很難再為一個人製造一點空間的
反而會覺得 很不方便
想當然爾 戀愛的感覺更不可能發生
我不喜歡失望的感覺
所以用一層厚厚的殼把自己包起來
殼裡面是安全的
有我做親愛的家人 朋友 保護我 支持我
所以我在裡面很安全
我想要的 也只是這樣而已
對於工作 整個人拼的跟甚麼一樣
雖然不喜歡美國人式的裝模作樣 社交 跟不停的 network
也極度看部過去某些馬屁精汲汲營營的樣子
卻還是不停的逼自己 不能輸 不能輸
別人做得到的我也可以
我要讓你們知道 正義的力量
我也可以拿到 你用噁心的手法嘗試的得到的職位
可是我也可以漸漸感覺到
這對自己是極度不健康的
我的那層保護殼
現在離我好遠好遠
有的只剩下 自己那股不服輸的 嚥不下去的那口氣
跟自己在好冷好冷的冬天
晚上離開工作時那天黑又全車是雪的感覺
總不可能把新朋友叫來大抱怨一番
還是叫來幫我剷雪吧
公司的同事又勾心鬥角的那麼厲害 (那又是另一篇了)
能多開誠佈公
我看很拼
做了六個月
自己的努力 加上一直有一股上天的力量保佑
就算在最不順的時候 都會出現奇妙的轉機
一副摩西開紅海的樣子
工作受到了肯定
說不一定真的六個月後 我苦心經營的幾條路
真的會打開
那我到時候 能不能就這樣放下一切 就這樣走了
如果真的走 豈不是肥了那些整天硬要跟我競爭的同事們
但是 想讓自己回到我安全的家裡的想法 卻越來越強烈
畢竟 年紀也不小了
不是說一定要結婚
可是把自己逼得沒愛情 沒親情 只有工作
怕只會變得越來越怪
整天一個人買菜煮飯養貓的老太婆
總是這裡那裏 遇到自己有興趣的人
然後不知怎麼著 就沒甚麼好下場
一部分是因為 我自己還在那層殼裡面
一部分因為 到最後我總是對的
只是現在失望 比較不會有以前那麼難過
所以我說 還好沒有太認真
若是上天給了你很多別的方面的運氣 那總是要平衡一下吧
我可能就是 男人緣都被借走了
另外一個今天的想法
就是上天對我的保佑
讓我在車子失控中
完全四面八方都沒有車 也沒有停在路旁的車
除了背部有點痠痛 我全身而退
我的人生中 誰應該來與我相遇
我會落腳在哪裡 做些甚麼自己真心想做的事
我還真的蠻想知道的
覺得命中注定只會跟一個人在一起
還是說有人活在世界的另一個角落 其實跟妳是心靈伴侶
都是很危險的想法
單身的好處和壞處
就是做決定時
只需要想到自己
對自己和家人好的那個決定
就是對的決定
習慣了這樣果決的自己
是很難再為一個人製造一點空間的
反而會覺得 很不方便
想當然爾 戀愛的感覺更不可能發生
我不喜歡失望的感覺
所以用一層厚厚的殼把自己包起來
殼裡面是安全的
有我做親愛的家人 朋友 保護我 支持我
所以我在裡面很安全
我想要的 也只是這樣而已
對於工作 整個人拼的跟甚麼一樣
雖然不喜歡美國人式的裝模作樣 社交 跟不停的 network
也極度看部過去某些馬屁精汲汲營營的樣子
卻還是不停的逼自己 不能輸 不能輸
別人做得到的我也可以
我要讓你們知道 正義的力量
我也可以拿到 你用噁心的手法嘗試的得到的職位
可是我也可以漸漸感覺到
這對自己是極度不健康的
我的那層保護殼
現在離我好遠好遠
有的只剩下 自己那股不服輸的 嚥不下去的那口氣
跟自己在好冷好冷的冬天
晚上離開工作時那天黑又全車是雪的感覺
總不可能把新朋友叫來大抱怨一番
還是叫來幫我剷雪吧
公司的同事又勾心鬥角的那麼厲害 (那又是另一篇了)
能多開誠佈公
我看很拼
做了六個月
自己的努力 加上一直有一股上天的力量保佑
就算在最不順的時候 都會出現奇妙的轉機
一副摩西開紅海的樣子
工作受到了肯定
說不一定真的六個月後 我苦心經營的幾條路
真的會打開
那我到時候 能不能就這樣放下一切 就這樣走了
如果真的走 豈不是肥了那些整天硬要跟我競爭的同事們
但是 想讓自己回到我安全的家裡的想法 卻越來越強烈
畢竟 年紀也不小了
不是說一定要結婚
可是把自己逼得沒愛情 沒親情 只有工作
怕只會變得越來越怪
整天一個人買菜煮飯養貓的老太婆
總是這裡那裏 遇到自己有興趣的人
然後不知怎麼著 就沒甚麼好下場
一部分是因為 我自己還在那層殼裡面
一部分因為 到最後我總是對的
只是現在失望 比較不會有以前那麼難過
所以我說 還好沒有太認真
若是上天給了你很多別的方面的運氣 那總是要平衡一下吧
我可能就是 男人緣都被借走了
另外一個今天的想法
就是上天對我的保佑
讓我在車子失控中
完全四面八方都沒有車 也沒有停在路旁的車
除了背部有點痠痛 我全身而退
我的人生中 誰應該來與我相遇
我會落腳在哪裡 做些甚麼自己真心想做的事
我還真的蠻想知道的
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
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