This monday is definitely a eventful monday unlike others...I was not prepared for any of this. Well, i was prepared for the meetings, but i wasn't prepared for some of the events that happened during and after the meetings. And thus my countdown begins...
Major event #1: Connecting with the director at the Global Publication Center of Excellence
I have to say that, my ex-preceptor (aka my ex-boss who is transitioning out) has hinted that a majority of jobs will come from the CoE, because they are looking for people who have my skills in publications, my knowledge in my therapeutic area (CV/Metabolics), AND i manage not one, but TWO major diabetes brands. So after my boss's departure, i have become the one person who has a lot of training in both the publications management and operations pieces, which, i guess, makes me really valueable to the newly formed CoE. So this morning we had a download meeting with the new director, my ex-boss and i. Basically, we had to explain to her what activities have been goin on at CV/Met, and what my role has been. Immediately after the meeting, my boss went up to talk to the lady, although was not clear why.
Minutes later, she popped into my cube, asking me how much interest i have staying with the group, especially being the publication operations person for the department. She suggested that i reach out to the CoE again to express my desire, and also she has strongly advocated for me, and will continue to do so.
A couple hours later, we also had another meeting with the Director of Metabolics, who oversees BOTH diabetes products which i support. Again my boss was strongly advocating for my role in the department, saying that everybody will really need my help, and suggest that the DIRECTOR also advocate for me to stay.
And ALL THIS happened right after i sort of decided myself how the rest of the 6 months is going to go just a couple days ago. I have been doing a lot of thinking, like I always do, about family, my job, my potential marriage life, what makes me happy, my friends...etc. What has and will always be my priority, is my family (and my closest friends), although they have kind of been taking the back seat with my career in the way. I almost feel that i am goin to develop split personalities by having so many roles that i try to take on. I want to make sure i am there for my parents when they are old. I am beginning to feel that they need my assistance more and more, and the thought of leaving them waiting in Taiwan while grow professionally kills me. I dont know how many years i can afford to have them 'wait' for my return. At the same time, this 'thought' makes me suffer in my romantic life. I dont' blame it on my family at all, but i know that deep down if i do meet someone who is impossible to bring home, then that pretty much means i will have to sacrifice being with my family in order to stay with 'the one'. and the thought of that scares me too. And so, perhaps i am not proactively meeting people as i should. Next up, because of my career i push myself to do these things that i don't 'love', but perhaps would be good in the future at some point, like constantly moving, by myself, doing really challenging projects, being at social functions that make me really uncomfortable just to 'network'....And that's primarily why i was so sad everytime i come back from Taiwan. I wonder why i voluntarily put myself through this. I could spend all my time in taiwan doing what i love to do, exploring new restaurants/places to go with my oldest, and closest friends, have really easy get-togethers with them without worrying how i might be perceived or how much i need to impress them, and i also spend a lot of time with my parents just running errands, or going to places. I just miss being in that environment where you can almost do no wrong, and make no wrong decision. Because you don't have to wake up to another day of crappy 'black ice' or snow on the street, and try to dig your friggin car out because no one else will do it (least no man), and make your way to work, and at the end of the day, keep your 'true thoughts' to yourself because everything is new, and everyone is new, and you really can't be sure who is your true friend at work.
I want nothing more, to be happy. I want to have a job which i enjoy, and i want to be around people who i love and who will miss me when i am gone.
Given that i should be REALLY APPRECIATIVE knowing that my boss is actively campaigning for me to stay. if this happens to any other fellow, they would probably die in ectasy. However because of my special circumstances, i really really am put into an awkward situation, where i can't say that i'm 'completely not interested' to my boss's face, and i also don't want to wait til that point when i actually 'get the job', and say that actually i didn't want to stay at all. The truth is, with the economy this bad, and so many fellows/applicants trying to break into industry, i should be happy that my efforts are being recognized and valued on the team. and i really do appreciate my ex-boss. who has spent so much time with me, teaching me everything she knows and answering all my questions so i can be indepent and functional today. I honestly dont mind doing publications, but i had just decided to align my interests and experiences with what can potentially get me a job in Asia, aka Taiwan. From my conversation with the Medical Director from Taiwan, i was told that they need people who understand how Clinical Operations work, and people with Marketing experience. So i was going to focus my efforts on these two areas specifically. but now i am getting this 'push' from my boss to start applying for the publications position before they get filled, and start working full time immediately, i almost feel that my 'objectives' will have to be put on back burner. Is that going to help me in the long run? I really don't know. do i still have another year or two to waste away (in terms of age and marriage potential) to fight for my career?
And I thought it was going to be easy to walk away from it all.
2) My 1:1 with my new preceptor: aka the only good lookin guy on the entire team, which makes it extremely inconvenient
Yes, i'm not sure if i mentioned it in my previous posts, since so many changes have been goin on around here. But basically, the only cute guy in my department, is now my preceptor, because he has been promoted and now has transitioned to support the diabetes product. and with my preceptor leaving, he's taking over her role as my new preceptor. Aside from the fact that we've chatted like friends before this all happened, and we had a few fun chats together and the fact that i thought he was somewhat cute. I had to put ALL THAT aside and focus on my fellowship and my fellowship only. Because i tend to just turn somethings off when the situation requires me to be professional.
Anyway, we haven't officially had our 1:1 until today, because for the past 2 weeks i have been running around like a headless man for the recruitment. And now that the offer has gone out, I can really just focus on ME. So the dreaded and the much anticipated day comes...i pretty much came clean. What has happened to me thus far, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The challenges i have had, the obstacles i have had, the difficult people i had to work with or continue to work with, EVERYTHING. i can't tell if he actually felt sorry or good for me. Although he says he understands. he then proceeded to give me his perspective. similar things had happened while he was a fellow. althoug i have to say that i get much LESS support from the diabetes team because my position is quite new. I have to constantly try to prove myself, show what i can do, ask for projects relentlessly...it does become...really tiring. Even though i can be quite scarily tenacious, it gets really frustrating sometimes (which is why i also just really want to go home home into the arms of my sweet parents/friends and just F this all sometimes).
So HE said he's going to advocate for me...but he of course expects me to operate somewhat independently, and go to him with updates/problems. but he will try to make the rest of my fellowship what i hope it to be (of course like a maniac and control freak, i went to the meeting with objectives that i hope to achieve in the next couple months). So he learned about the connections i have made in Asia, and connections i have made internally ( i bet these guys really think i'm a scary woman but i really AM normal....). Anyway it sounded like he understands.
But can i trust him?
**************************************************
Happy things for the day: knowing there might be a job, having my very honest 1:1 with my new boss, having lunch at Positano's with a cool friend, and meeting up with some cool friends at Salt Creek Grille for happy hour
Yesterday: Belly Dancing show at Cecil's Bar and Restaurant in West Orange, NJ, with my dear mentor in the program. :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
job prospect in tw
經過公司裏的人輾轉介紹
我昨天居然跟台灣必治妥的一位Medical Director通到越洋電話
他是負責台灣香港和澳門的
而且他還是我想做的那個部門的主管
跟我聊了超久
給了我一堆建議
我還強推我的履歷
結果:
"部門現在沒有空缺" Orz....
叫我再等一等....可惡
我昨天居然跟台灣必治妥的一位Medical Director通到越洋電話
他是負責台灣香港和澳門的
而且他還是我想做的那個部門的主管
跟我聊了超久
給了我一堆建議
我還強推我的履歷
結果:
"部門現在沒有空缺" Orz....
叫我再等一等....可惡
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Oh well
Oh well, you can't have EVERYTHING.
my co-fellows SUCK. and i try hard everyday not to use expletives on them.
and today i really want to just use that song of Lily Allen's
"F U, F U very very much...."
you get the picture.
2011 never got a great start. i wonder what i can do to balance out all this negative energy around me. Last year i was a lot more gun-ho about everything. and now i'm just like Eh... and also just really fed up with the F'ers who i still hate. i'm wonderin if by sucking out my love life and social life in NJ, I'm giving up too much for these FM'ers to be away from those things that really matter to me.
Anyway. you can tell i can use some anger management some days. or most of the days.
my co-fellows SUCK. and i try hard everyday not to use expletives on them.
and today i really want to just use that song of Lily Allen's
"F U, F U very very much...."
you get the picture.
2011 never got a great start. i wonder what i can do to balance out all this negative energy around me. Last year i was a lot more gun-ho about everything. and now i'm just like Eh... and also just really fed up with the F'ers who i still hate. i'm wonderin if by sucking out my love life and social life in NJ, I'm giving up too much for these FM'ers to be away from those things that really matter to me.
Anyway. you can tell i can use some anger management some days. or most of the days.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
All aspects of my life
[I PROMISE that i will be updating stuff about my very fun trip in Taiwan...in the next post? ;) ]
I have to admit that, since i got back, i have sort of been in a emotional funk. This usually happens right after i see my family and friends in taiwan. I still feel that i'm improving each day. But with the snow and the winter ahead...and not even my cali friends in sight, it's been a slow process.
Especially after the car accident on Friday, and the fact that i've been sort on house arrest over the weekend. Its a bit hard to picture myself here for the next 6 months, consecutively, because the holiday season is behind me.
Of course another part of me wants to think that i may only have 6 months left here on the east coast, i should really take the most advantage of it. And i know i tend to focus on the bad stuff. It's a fault in my personality. But it's hard not to. When you're in a emotional funk, it's hard to make yourself go to another Meetup event (it's a website that allows people with the same interest to get together and do fun outing stuff). Because i'm just so tired of having meet more and more people and try to impress them by being this fun and outgoing person. Although i do enjoy the new friendships that i've made, i dont think i'm in the position to show up when i am not emotionally 'well'.
This morning i almost fell on my ass on the way walking to my car because of all the slippery ice on the ground. I literally could hear my tendon make this weird sound before i finally stablized myself. I better have not torn my tendon...because that would seriously be another icing on the cake of 'winter misery". Of course following that, I still intended to go out and practice driving to the nearest coffee shop, so i proceeded to spend the next half an hour getting snow off my car. ughhhh. perhaps it really is time to get a local 'helper/bf' if anyway is willing to date me. :P So at least i dont' have to feel so intimated thinking about leaving the house in the morning. I still think the light and fluffy snow is really pretty. I just don't want to drive in it. and the fact that i got into an accident the FIRST day i was in the snow just totally sucked. It's casting a shadow on the rest of the season. I do feel that i got a little PTSD from it....just feeling myself losing control of the car. (tears)
I still sit next to this co-worker who although is not on my medical strategy team, is trying to always try to get INTO my team by having lunch with everyone around me, and by acting in agreement with them like a super big helper to everyone. At first i perceived him as a nice guy when i first started, but then i realized that he kept trying to get information out of me by understanind what i 'do' with medical strategy', and by saying that HE also does the same thing (to my face). And he's also beeing taking projects that my predecessor used to do (away from me). and by telling everyone taht he sees himself in the home office after he finishes his fellowships (he's a 2nd year). He has totally crossed the line by stepping over. So he along with some of the other fellows incomprehensible enthusiasm about the company used to annoy me to no end. Especially what they have exhibited during out recruitment in california, the amount of un-civility towards the bad candidates. I had to try REALLY, REALLY hard to maintain in my mind that i am doing the right thing and not be affected. So now that i'm back, i try to remind myself that the countdown has begun. i have exactly 6 months left, so please do not get attached to the negative people/things anymore.
Another aspect that i can think of is that, i have been connecting with a lot of people who may be a terrific professional contact. Since the re-structuring, i've lost my preceptor, who is a big supporter/advocate for me. And there also has been more work to go around. it really is an opportunity to showcase myself, like she had mentioned. If i really step it up during this time and show my value to the broader diabetes team, and enough people advocate for me, i may really have a chance to stay. I also have been in touch with this other woman who oversees the broader publication department over on the Global BMS side, who also appreciates the fact that i sit on US HQ, and wants to keep in touch with me because an opportunity can really open up in her division where they need someone on the US side to manage publication plans. Another person i have also been in contact with is this person who works for BMS in Hong Kong. I was referred to him by a physician who my German boss introduced to me who is on tour of duty in Singapore. Somehow that person passed my contact info on to the guy in HK. So we had a call last thursday. The conversation went SUPER well, and he mentioned that he will try to talk to the director in Taiwan to see if there are opportunities available. I guess i will find out soon enough. In any case, these are some of the lines of communication I have been working on. I would be really curious to find out what happens at the end of the year.
Lastly, and really quickly, about my love life (is there one?), i haven't been goin to that dance class because of my vacation and my bad moods. But if the snow isn't too bad next tuesday, i may actually go. Although i do somewhat realize now that if all my interaction with that dude is kept at light flirting and smiling and small talks, if he doesn't ask me out, the chances are NOTHING will ever come of it. and then there's this old flame who i had a 'puppy love' sort of relationship with a LONG time back in taiwan, who i saw and talked to when i went back this time. I can't believe that history still affects me so...i wish we can just get past it. The fact that we are both still single doesn't help either. because it always sounds like there is still something there, when the reality is i dont know where he stands, and he doesn't know where i stand, and we live half a globe away from each other. So when we do connect on msn messenger, we get back to old habits of chatting in a childish, flirty, and feisty ways. and HE (not me) says stuff like, 'that's why we are compatible with each other', or ' i only liked you in middle school'...etc. which totally messes with my mind. I dont think he realizes that i have changed a lot since middle school, i am scarily focused on what i want in life (this i think he knows), opinionated, pessimistic about men (he might know this), well-travelled (don't think he knows), easily annoyed, easily angered while driving (he might not realize). i just dont know if any guy with a normal ego can deal with that. and yes, i worry a lot. and i talk myself out of every possible relationship there is. So i tell myself everyday, since i got back, that it's dangerous to think you will end up with one person and one person only, who is your puppy love. it almost NEVER happens.
Ok. should really wrap up around now. before it gets too long and boring (probably already is). ;)
I have to admit that, since i got back, i have sort of been in a emotional funk. This usually happens right after i see my family and friends in taiwan. I still feel that i'm improving each day. But with the snow and the winter ahead...and not even my cali friends in sight, it's been a slow process.
Especially after the car accident on Friday, and the fact that i've been sort on house arrest over the weekend. Its a bit hard to picture myself here for the next 6 months, consecutively, because the holiday season is behind me.
Of course another part of me wants to think that i may only have 6 months left here on the east coast, i should really take the most advantage of it. And i know i tend to focus on the bad stuff. It's a fault in my personality. But it's hard not to. When you're in a emotional funk, it's hard to make yourself go to another Meetup event (it's a website that allows people with the same interest to get together and do fun outing stuff). Because i'm just so tired of having meet more and more people and try to impress them by being this fun and outgoing person. Although i do enjoy the new friendships that i've made, i dont think i'm in the position to show up when i am not emotionally 'well'.
This morning i almost fell on my ass on the way walking to my car because of all the slippery ice on the ground. I literally could hear my tendon make this weird sound before i finally stablized myself. I better have not torn my tendon...because that would seriously be another icing on the cake of 'winter misery". Of course following that, I still intended to go out and practice driving to the nearest coffee shop, so i proceeded to spend the next half an hour getting snow off my car. ughhhh. perhaps it really is time to get a local 'helper/bf' if anyway is willing to date me. :P So at least i dont' have to feel so intimated thinking about leaving the house in the morning. I still think the light and fluffy snow is really pretty. I just don't want to drive in it. and the fact that i got into an accident the FIRST day i was in the snow just totally sucked. It's casting a shadow on the rest of the season. I do feel that i got a little PTSD from it....just feeling myself losing control of the car. (tears)
I still sit next to this co-worker who although is not on my medical strategy team, is trying to always try to get INTO my team by having lunch with everyone around me, and by acting in agreement with them like a super big helper to everyone. At first i perceived him as a nice guy when i first started, but then i realized that he kept trying to get information out of me by understanind what i 'do' with medical strategy', and by saying that HE also does the same thing (to my face). And he's also beeing taking projects that my predecessor used to do (away from me). and by telling everyone taht he sees himself in the home office after he finishes his fellowships (he's a 2nd year). He has totally crossed the line by stepping over. So he along with some of the other fellows incomprehensible enthusiasm about the company used to annoy me to no end. Especially what they have exhibited during out recruitment in california, the amount of un-civility towards the bad candidates. I had to try REALLY, REALLY hard to maintain in my mind that i am doing the right thing and not be affected. So now that i'm back, i try to remind myself that the countdown has begun. i have exactly 6 months left, so please do not get attached to the negative people/things anymore.
Another aspect that i can think of is that, i have been connecting with a lot of people who may be a terrific professional contact. Since the re-structuring, i've lost my preceptor, who is a big supporter/advocate for me. And there also has been more work to go around. it really is an opportunity to showcase myself, like she had mentioned. If i really step it up during this time and show my value to the broader diabetes team, and enough people advocate for me, i may really have a chance to stay. I also have been in touch with this other woman who oversees the broader publication department over on the Global BMS side, who also appreciates the fact that i sit on US HQ, and wants to keep in touch with me because an opportunity can really open up in her division where they need someone on the US side to manage publication plans. Another person i have also been in contact with is this person who works for BMS in Hong Kong. I was referred to him by a physician who my German boss introduced to me who is on tour of duty in Singapore. Somehow that person passed my contact info on to the guy in HK. So we had a call last thursday. The conversation went SUPER well, and he mentioned that he will try to talk to the director in Taiwan to see if there are opportunities available. I guess i will find out soon enough. In any case, these are some of the lines of communication I have been working on. I would be really curious to find out what happens at the end of the year.
Lastly, and really quickly, about my love life (is there one?), i haven't been goin to that dance class because of my vacation and my bad moods. But if the snow isn't too bad next tuesday, i may actually go. Although i do somewhat realize now that if all my interaction with that dude is kept at light flirting and smiling and small talks, if he doesn't ask me out, the chances are NOTHING will ever come of it. and then there's this old flame who i had a 'puppy love' sort of relationship with a LONG time back in taiwan, who i saw and talked to when i went back this time. I can't believe that history still affects me so...i wish we can just get past it. The fact that we are both still single doesn't help either. because it always sounds like there is still something there, when the reality is i dont know where he stands, and he doesn't know where i stand, and we live half a globe away from each other. So when we do connect on msn messenger, we get back to old habits of chatting in a childish, flirty, and feisty ways. and HE (not me) says stuff like, 'that's why we are compatible with each other', or ' i only liked you in middle school'...etc. which totally messes with my mind. I dont think he realizes that i have changed a lot since middle school, i am scarily focused on what i want in life (this i think he knows), opinionated, pessimistic about men (he might know this), well-travelled (don't think he knows), easily annoyed, easily angered while driving (he might not realize). i just dont know if any guy with a normal ego can deal with that. and yes, i worry a lot. and i talk myself out of every possible relationship there is. So i tell myself everyday, since i got back, that it's dangerous to think you will end up with one person and one person only, who is your puppy love. it almost NEVER happens.
Ok. should really wrap up around now. before it gets too long and boring (probably already is). ;)
Friday, January 7, 2011
還好沒有太認真
感情這種東西 還是不要太死心眼的好
覺得命中注定只會跟一個人在一起
還是說有人活在世界的另一個角落 其實跟妳是心靈伴侶
都是很危險的想法
單身的好處和壞處
就是做決定時
只需要想到自己
對自己和家人好的那個決定
就是對的決定
習慣了這樣果決的自己
是很難再為一個人製造一點空間的
反而會覺得 很不方便
想當然爾 戀愛的感覺更不可能發生
我不喜歡失望的感覺
所以用一層厚厚的殼把自己包起來
殼裡面是安全的
有我做親愛的家人 朋友 保護我 支持我
所以我在裡面很安全
我想要的 也只是這樣而已
對於工作 整個人拼的跟甚麼一樣
雖然不喜歡美國人式的裝模作樣 社交 跟不停的 network
也極度看部過去某些馬屁精汲汲營營的樣子
卻還是不停的逼自己 不能輸 不能輸
別人做得到的我也可以
我要讓你們知道 正義的力量
我也可以拿到 你用噁心的手法嘗試的得到的職位
可是我也可以漸漸感覺到
這對自己是極度不健康的
我的那層保護殼
現在離我好遠好遠
有的只剩下 自己那股不服輸的 嚥不下去的那口氣
跟自己在好冷好冷的冬天
晚上離開工作時那天黑又全車是雪的感覺
總不可能把新朋友叫來大抱怨一番
還是叫來幫我剷雪吧
公司的同事又勾心鬥角的那麼厲害 (那又是另一篇了)
能多開誠佈公
我看很拼
做了六個月
自己的努力 加上一直有一股上天的力量保佑
就算在最不順的時候 都會出現奇妙的轉機
一副摩西開紅海的樣子
工作受到了肯定
說不一定真的六個月後 我苦心經營的幾條路
真的會打開
那我到時候 能不能就這樣放下一切 就這樣走了
如果真的走 豈不是肥了那些整天硬要跟我競爭的同事們
但是 想讓自己回到我安全的家裡的想法 卻越來越強烈
畢竟 年紀也不小了
不是說一定要結婚
可是把自己逼得沒愛情 沒親情 只有工作
怕只會變得越來越怪
整天一個人買菜煮飯養貓的老太婆
總是這裡那裏 遇到自己有興趣的人
然後不知怎麼著 就沒甚麼好下場
一部分是因為 我自己還在那層殼裡面
一部分因為 到最後我總是對的
只是現在失望 比較不會有以前那麼難過
所以我說 還好沒有太認真
若是上天給了你很多別的方面的運氣 那總是要平衡一下吧
我可能就是 男人緣都被借走了
另外一個今天的想法
就是上天對我的保佑
讓我在車子失控中
完全四面八方都沒有車 也沒有停在路旁的車
除了背部有點痠痛 我全身而退
我的人生中 誰應該來與我相遇
我會落腳在哪裡 做些甚麼自己真心想做的事
我還真的蠻想知道的
覺得命中注定只會跟一個人在一起
還是說有人活在世界的另一個角落 其實跟妳是心靈伴侶
都是很危險的想法
單身的好處和壞處
就是做決定時
只需要想到自己
對自己和家人好的那個決定
就是對的決定
習慣了這樣果決的自己
是很難再為一個人製造一點空間的
反而會覺得 很不方便
想當然爾 戀愛的感覺更不可能發生
我不喜歡失望的感覺
所以用一層厚厚的殼把自己包起來
殼裡面是安全的
有我做親愛的家人 朋友 保護我 支持我
所以我在裡面很安全
我想要的 也只是這樣而已
對於工作 整個人拼的跟甚麼一樣
雖然不喜歡美國人式的裝模作樣 社交 跟不停的 network
也極度看部過去某些馬屁精汲汲營營的樣子
卻還是不停的逼自己 不能輸 不能輸
別人做得到的我也可以
我要讓你們知道 正義的力量
我也可以拿到 你用噁心的手法嘗試的得到的職位
可是我也可以漸漸感覺到
這對自己是極度不健康的
我的那層保護殼
現在離我好遠好遠
有的只剩下 自己那股不服輸的 嚥不下去的那口氣
跟自己在好冷好冷的冬天
晚上離開工作時那天黑又全車是雪的感覺
總不可能把新朋友叫來大抱怨一番
還是叫來幫我剷雪吧
公司的同事又勾心鬥角的那麼厲害 (那又是另一篇了)
能多開誠佈公
我看很拼
做了六個月
自己的努力 加上一直有一股上天的力量保佑
就算在最不順的時候 都會出現奇妙的轉機
一副摩西開紅海的樣子
工作受到了肯定
說不一定真的六個月後 我苦心經營的幾條路
真的會打開
那我到時候 能不能就這樣放下一切 就這樣走了
如果真的走 豈不是肥了那些整天硬要跟我競爭的同事們
但是 想讓自己回到我安全的家裡的想法 卻越來越強烈
畢竟 年紀也不小了
不是說一定要結婚
可是把自己逼得沒愛情 沒親情 只有工作
怕只會變得越來越怪
整天一個人買菜煮飯養貓的老太婆
總是這裡那裏 遇到自己有興趣的人
然後不知怎麼著 就沒甚麼好下場
一部分是因為 我自己還在那層殼裡面
一部分因為 到最後我總是對的
只是現在失望 比較不會有以前那麼難過
所以我說 還好沒有太認真
若是上天給了你很多別的方面的運氣 那總是要平衡一下吧
我可能就是 男人緣都被借走了
另外一個今天的想法
就是上天對我的保佑
讓我在車子失控中
完全四面八方都沒有車 也沒有停在路旁的車
除了背部有點痠痛 我全身而退
我的人生中 誰應該來與我相遇
我會落腳在哪裡 做些甚麼自己真心想做的事
我還真的蠻想知道的
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
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