feelings that i need to deal with and work through

it's been a while since i can do my daily therapeutic posts..mainly because i have been feeling better, after a major breakdown last week. during the week i think i pretty much cried every day over the smallest things..in public, with my friend, with my parents..it's like the tear duct just stopped listening to me. that triumphant feeling lasted for a couple days..and on this rainy day..i decided to do a post.

finally on the last day of Septemter, on the family trip to Kaohsiuong, i felt like i really just had it with these emotional outbursts. I'm really just sick of seeing  myself crying and feeling down. I was on a happy rendezvous with my parents and all i could focus on was my sadness, and it made me feel extremely selfish. but these thoughts and emotions just came to mind -- feelings of deceit, self blame, anger, dissapointment, self doubt, regret, vengeful....all of them.

Feelings of deceit because I am trying to understand how i could have been deceited...some of the memories seem so real and yet i now have to convince myself, that good memories only exist in the past now and they don't mean a thing to the person who's already moved on. bad memories because you realized you were lied to. and you believed the person so much at the time.

self blame because i blame myself for allowing myself to be deceited and to not see the person for what he's worth, despite the red flags...self blame that it's taking me so long to recover when most people just bounce back and find the next guy easily. self blame because i thought i was so smart and yet i tripped on something so trivial. self blame because i want to offer myself to the people who DO care about me and start being emotionally available and i still can't do that 100% (although i have been improving).

Anger because I want to hate this person so much. I wonder if it's ever a good strategy now..to hate someone in order to move on. I still can't get myself to feel absolutely neutral when it comes to hurtful feelings. i practice. I want to look at it from the third person's perspective. but i can't yet. i know it takes time. but i'm frustrated. It's almost easier to hate someone for the faults that he's done.  anger because i am supposed to be ecstatic to begin my new life in 3 months and i just feel sad most of the time. and then sometimes hopeful. I am so angry at myself. angry because the world is so unfair, for someone like him he can continue to believe and behave like women are 'options' to him, and there will still be plenty who he can easily date. angry because it's so much harder for women to do that, even if and especially if you have a equal or even better profile. it's like a double edge sword. you get screwed either way. angry because i didn't completely tell him to go to hell and stay there. angry because i am being passive aggressive, and would passively respond to his messages. and in my head i still get disappointed if i never get his messages. what the hell is wrong with me? angry because he didn't choose me, and he chose his old lifestyle with these low life women with no morals. aren't i good and have lived a displined life and fun to be around and supportive of him in everyway and funny and attractive? this isn't enough to make him like me more than his old flame who he cheated with on her husband? why does this make me feel so defeated like i'm not good enough? and why am i even concerned with these people and their bullshit lifestyle and putting myself on the same level as them?

disappointed because I know i am strong in all other aspects of life..but something like this or someone like this can make me fall into pieces. disappointed because i once thought this could turn into something really good but it turned out to be the signature 'bad boy story' of my life. disappointed because i trusted someone, perhaps too easily and too quickly. Disappointed that he didn't feel the same way i did. disappointed because he didn't choose me. Disappointed because I thought he was a different person and my words or i meant something. disppointed because i'm not moving on as fast as this jerk. disappointed that i am suffering low self confidence because of it. disappointed that it's stoppoing me from feeling the joy in life..disappointed that i'm letting my parents and the friends who love me down. i just feel so disappointed. dissappointed because i didn't feel like i got stronger from the last breakup..this still feels like a mini death to me in my heart.

self doubt because i am now doubting some life choices which never bothered me before...things like spending so much time to get my doctorate degree, and being such a black and white person. i am beginning to question if i should change the way i think so that i can accept these flaws in morality and in human relationships, maybe i should change the way i look at things and deal with things and stop being judgemental and be okay with things i used to look down on. but if i did that, i would not be myself anymore. and why should i change myself for one guy and one encounter that's not even worth it? did i maybe have low self confidence to begin with? Am i letting too much asia get to me in terms of pressure for women to conform and to be married by a certain age and to get super attached to your parents? am i making mistakes that i will regret somewhere down the line? Am i too old? Do i secretly actually really want to be married despite all the pep talk i had given myself before? am i too idealistic in terms of finding the one? am i going to fail? am i wrong and maybe everyone else who's ever said anything negative to me about my age or being too independent is right? what if i DID move around too much? what if i am just paying for the price for wanting to pursue my dream? what if i never come back to Taiwan?

regret because i wish i had never met this guy who himself and the things he represent make me change so much and have felt so low for so long. regret because i could have been happy. we could have dealt with this differently. regret because everytime i think of something that happened in the past, good and bad, i with they never happened. I regret that i ever attempted to understand his world, the world of lies, cheating, cheating with someone with a spouse, casual hook ups, inability to do long distance..i did, i did try to understand. but i still can't forgive him. i can't. it's the hardest challenge i am given. how do you forgive someone who's hurt you, and do you need to?

i know i am better off without him. i just don't know why it's so hard for me to get over someone. i am so sick of my own whining. i am so sick of hearing myself talk about this person to people. but bottling up everything inside feels just as horrible too. what if it takes me too long to get over someone? what if i never meet the person i think should exist somewhere? what if i do meet the person and he's already unavailable?

i am so scared.

Prayer

Dear god,

Please give me the strength I need to feel better.

Please make me believe and go back to the happy and genuine and confident person I once was.

Please help me get through this.

I really need you to give me strength to hold on to faith, that I will find someone better and I deserve to be happy.

I would like to thank you also, for these things to happen timely.

If I must encounter someone hurtful to me in my life, I would rather experience it now, so that when I am exposed to new things at school I can quickly forget.

I also would like to thank you for making me realize how lucky I am to be able to share this painful experience with the family and friends who have been there for me. It could have been totally traumatic and heartbreaking but I am lucky to have my support system here with me, so I do not fall into the depressive stAte as last time.

I also would like to thank you for the second meeting I had with him which made me realize that it IS totally over and to help me give up hope. If it wasn't for that meeting I would still have dreams in my head thinking he's suffering from the breakup as much as I did and is actually a confused person who I can perhaps change and be with one day down the road. I realized that I was totally wrong. Yes everything he said that night hurt me deeply. But if it wasn't for those hurtful words I would not be ale to knock myself out of this situation.

And thank you for that phone call today. It's made me realize that he is still as selfish as I had thought him to be, having the nerves to ask me for recommendations and as a reference for his job hunt. He doesn't deserve my sincerity and help. And for him to think he can ask someone he's hurt deeply to do him this favor, once again shows how selfish he is as a person, who never once reflected. It's made me stop crying, and I think I've shed enough.

I want to continue to pray to you for the strength which I lack. I know I have doubted myself and you so many times because st times there really seems like there is little hope in life. The social pressure I feel and maybe the heartbreak is making it hard for me to see and feel. And reach out like I aways do. I have become numb and insensitive and selfish to the people around me. And I say cruel things and I only focus on my pain. I hate that about myself. And I want to break away from it.

Can you please teach me to be kind and hopeful again? Can you hold my hand through this? Can you help me realize how wonderful I am as a person again and stop worrying about trivial things in life like marriage, getting old, fitting in, career, and start focusing on getting better and being a better person and being happy for myself and everyone around me?

I am scared. There are so many uncertainty in life. I don't want to fear my fears anymore. But how can I accomplish that?

I really need you to help me let go and move on. Please god if you can offer me your hand and help me find the strength that's in me.

Please can oh also help me forgive, if you think that is the best way for me to move forward, for I have so much hate in my heart.

Can ou also help me forget. I want to forget about the good times and I want to forget the pain so that I can be trustful again.

Please help me god.

Will you feel better

I want to make myself feel better, I want to be better. And I need to feel better for the people around me to feel my presence for the last couple months while I am here. I want to stop crying whenever i think about it or talk about it. I want to come up with a game plan.

Running list:
French
Music (ukelele..?)
Gym (yoga, running, dance..)
Counseling
Focus on the positives
Stop worrying

And I want to tell myself, it's okay to take your time. It's okay to cry. Just try. Try a little everyday. At least youre trying. And you will feel better. In time.

Do you need to forgive someone in order to move on?

Do you?

I haven't figured it out. 

With my last major relationship, which ended also brutally and abruptly, I decided that I would never speak with my ex again and wish death upon him, or a least slaps across his face if I ever run into him. People tell me it takes a lot of effort to hate. And if I do still feel the anger, that means I never completely got over the person. 

I suppose I can see the rational. But my defense was that no it takes me almost no effort to hate. All I need to do is everytime I think of this person I wish unfortune upon him. I don't believe anyone should get away with hurting people with no consequences. Because you are dealing with human emotion, not a fish in the fishtank. People get hurt when you change your mind. I don't know if I will ever understand it from the other side of the table and if I ever want to. I know friends who are close to me also have tried dating people who they like less and who they have to end up hurting. I don't know if that could be a solution and I'm not sure if I am able to do that at all. It may be a curse and a blessing in disguise. On one hand I feel very high and mighty that I don't subject myself to something hurtful to other people ever in my life, and on one hand I almost secretly believe that this will put me on the receiving end of hurt for the rest of my life. Is it better to be a little cruel and selfish when it comes to love so you can at least try things out, or as people say, give someone the benefit of the doubt, then leave them once things don't work out? Then how is it diff from what I am going through right now? But if it helps with the pain...

So lately I read an article on controlling your obsessive thoughts, which really is a good read, after many good reads I've been subjecting myself to. It hits the nail on the head -- treat these thoughts with little to no interest, like you're watching the world to by in a coffee shop. I can't put it as eloquently, but basically the article is saying had we have these obsessive thoughts because we choose to associate feelings and interests with them, which fuel their existence and magnify them ten times more. Then pretty soon all you can RBI k about are these obsessive, negative thoughts. 

It is very true in my option. I give life to these thoughts. They come into my head and I feel sad and therefore I react to them by appearing sad and can't move on in life. 

However since the article, I have tried to look at these past memories, when they do come up, as things that happened to other people. I just watch it happens and unfolds, with no feelings at all. And it's true that the anxiety and the sadness and heartbreak that usually comes wont it, also do not last very long. 

This morning I was thinking that a little. The most precious memories that I have of these relationship, or more precisely, the moments when I felt like I had fallen for this person. And I have to say its hard to look at these events with no emotional attachment, but I tried. And at the same time I also remembered that retrospectively, I understood that at the time, he was still talking to his ex, at the time, he was still dating the girl who live on the same st as me, at the time, he was still weighing his options about doing a long distance relationship. He wasn't in it 100% as I was, to experience the romance. So he didn't fall hard, or in other words, he didn't like me enough. 

It was hard to enough to do the exercise up that far, because every memory was special to me in its own way. And I'm not jaded enough with life that I just take what people say with a grain of salt every time, and treat all men like liars. Maybe one day I will, but I have been a pretty genuine/gullible person up until now. So am I never to experience the joy of  falling in love? And I going to doubt the sincerity of the people around me? 

Its hard to let go but there is no other way than to just do it. I suppose kind of like the move the Etwrnal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You erase the memories, good and bad. They may be precious to you, but not to other people. When things end.

Last memorabilia

So a mini dilemma I have is that I have one last piece of something I have not returned of burned or gotten rid of from that guy. Stupidly enough it's a book on marketing which I feel too bad to burn, but also angry enough to not want to see him and return it to him.

I alter between two school of thoughts. Someone bad said to me that if its a book which I will actually use, I should keep it as a penalty from that asshole -- he owes me that much anyway.

Another advice I got was to simply ask my friend to return it to him, and buy a new one in my own. Why wild I want to keep anything from him as something which may lead to us seeing each other again? He clearly has been am insensitive ass and by keeping it it will allow me to retain that thread of hope that we will one day speak to each other again. If I have to see his notes I would get angry anyway. And it's not like I can't afford a new book. So why keep it?

I have to say that as much as I would like to lie to myself and say I should totally keep it as punishment, as a person I actually can see myself agree with number two more. I know if I keep it until December, he may one day contact me. And all if the preparation and healing that  doing might all go to waste. There is that shred of hope which shouldn't exist.

It makes me feel so stupid and angry at myself at the same time.

I've pretty much gotten rid of everything. Old pictures, his phone number, the perfume he gave me..

The two things which still prove my soft spots: his LINE account ( for some reason even afte you delete a persons number the account remains. You can block the person for ever but I haven't done it, so even though I don't have his number any more, technically I could reach him on LINE and could also probably call him on LINE, technically speaking, but I won't, because it's pathetic.). And then the book.

Am I too lenient on myself? And this is why I'm not snapping out of this like I should two months ago? What am I waiting for? What needs to happen before I can completely move on? Does it have to be December 31st? Is that too long for someone who's really hurt me and who I've only dated for a month or so?

Sometimes I wish I can be ten times tougher with relationship. Be a cold hearted bitch who's totally jaded with life. Or be a super lucky person who finds her true love immediately after the asshole.

Things to distract myself with part one

http://www.niusnews.com/index.php/main/view/275

Let's hope this link works.:-) since I'm doing updates on my phone and I can upload a picture.

Recently I've been doing a lot of updates on Facebook and Instagram, mostly using apps to crest collages and artsy pictures. This is no coincidence at all.:-)

Of course it's something that I've wishes I had more time to so when I was working full time. But now it's really turned into a full or at least part time interest. I find it very therapeutic. And mostly I create these images not for my own pleasure. It's really to help me become a different person.

I have been following the Instagram if my favorite Japanese model for some time now. And recently it's become more intense because I am feeling down. I like that I can look at another girl and wish I can be like that. I don't mean that I worship anyone or am trying to act like a groupie. Rather, I envy the kind of attitude she shows in her picture. Maybe I can't be 100% of what she is because I don't lead that kind of life style neither am I as outgoing and crazy as that as a person, but I envy that non chalant attitude she has and her crazy fashion style. She's so retro without trying hard, and she's not Fakey Fakey like most Asian models in TW magazines are. She is half British and half Japanese. She DJs as her job outside of modeling. She dresses between retro and rocker like all the time. And she just has that infectious coolness me as a nerdy girl really would like to be. I want to be as free spirited and happy looking 6 months from now.

So the positive thing is, because now I have my 'muse', I start to dress different which a lot of people noticed. I am wearin my make up like the 70s, with the winged eyeliner and bright red/neon pink lipstick, and I wear colorful, retro stuff. I dyed my hair probably five shades lighter, got my bangs cut. As a result of this break up I am actually looking better . How weird is that. What started as a simple way of getting back at someone (bc we work in the same office and I simply want him to regret), turned out to be one of my fashion forward moments in life...and I have friends left and right always giving old clothes to me which really allows me to go crazy and alter them into old fashioned shapes like high wasted or pencil skirts or big floweh t shirts to go with my retro style.

But I suppose like my sister said, too much or too big of a change may actually make people think I'm going crazy because of the break up. Well I suppose i know the difference. For one, I've really liked these models for years, just never had a good time to really be able to express myself freely. Because up til I turned 27 I was either in a lab or in a hospital doing science. And as soon as I graduated I joined a company which really doesn't allow me to look unprofessional. So this is really the only time in my life when I realize that one, I can finally freely express myself and be the elli-rose I could never be in the previous 30 years of my life and try these fun styles and two, I need to date more people to know what I want and what I don't want in a men and stop acting like the next guy could be the last guy. I need to be more cosmopolitan than that and stop putting all the men in one basket and act extremely cynical because of one bad shit. And thirdly, I do notice more attention from men since I've paid attention to the way I look. So I suppose this helps with point two and complements point one.

Anyway, I am really trying to enjoy this period of my life to just be who I secretly have always wanted to be. A pretty, artsy, free spirited, and happy girl. I don't want to stay sad forever. So if I continue to look at these pictures in which I smile happily, I will remember that and know I can be happy. And maybe one day my Instagram will start to look like the girls I follow. Doing lots of things in life, having the time of my life, and just enjoy the ride...

Another IT girl who I follow
http://www.siennaweb.com/

Helpful advice from my sister K

You have to forgive yourself.. Everybody runs into assholes and liars. It's not your fault. People with ulterior motives will come to you because they think you're pretty now and want to draw a bubble of the happy life you could have with each other. You can't let that get into your head. You are just a late bloomer. Pretty girls don't take that seriously because they are constantly surrounded by shady people who tell us that all the time. You spent the majority of your time studying really hard, and you're just starting to dress and look nice, you will run into more of these people. It's not your fault for believing this person because its your first encounter with such assholes. He put on a front. he made you beliece that he is courteous, different, sensitive to your needs, and brave enough to pursue you. Anyone would fall for that. You shouldnt feel like because your smart youre exempt from

his tricks somehow. You should feel lucky that, while most of us believe there are only shady people out there, you have been surrounded people who really love you and who you trust, who will never betray you, who created a safe environment for you. That's why you thought he was one of them when he's not. It's not your fault. 

Yes I understand its hard for you because while most of us maybe grew up having maternal instincts and wanting to be married since a little girl, that was not part of your life plan until this guy put the thoughts in your head a month before you turned 30, then burst that bubble on the day you turned 30. It sends you into a complete panic attack. Because you never had that dream, and then someone created it for you then ripped it apart. Your childhood memories were recalled, you may think you only want an Asian or TW husband now who can support you emotionally and also conveniently takes care of your parents, but what you're doing is closing the door on so many people. No one can have everything in life. You may run into someone who really loves you who's French, but who will treat you really well and love you with all his heart. You can't turn that person down because he doesn't fit your bubble. There should never be a bubble to begin with. You need to also realize that there may never be a person for you. But if you have no bubble, you will not be disappointed or make that person who only fits 60% of your criteria into your bubble, because he is not the one. 

I'm not saying you need to either that you need to wish death upon your ex, or be the bigger person and make them all your friends. There is some place in between. You treat them like a passerby on the street. You don't get jealous over their love life or get angry, you don't warm up to them in particular. You just don't care. I know that's hard but that's where you need to be. You don't want your mood to be influenced by these people. 

Incident and healing process

It's a healing process.
I happen to have a very good friend who's held my hand through this period and I've told her that ill document my thoughts as a way to let go.. Among many different things I'm trying (when this all ends I will be sure to write a book on the methodology I've used to get over a break up and move on with life, which hopefully will end with the final chapter on posting the link to Lilly Allen's music video "F$&@ you" and tagging the person's name with it)..
For some reason I feel that I'm already so much closer to that day...:-)

This all began three days ago when I had a panic attack in the car and subsequently the restaurant after having yo attend a company trip as an ex employee and was bombarded with news about that guy for a good 15 min with no way out of the car. So basically I was sitting in on a discussion bye old women about this guy who they are curious about who they found very good at a certain spirt and were totally impressed. I couldn't join the duscussion be even hearing his name was making me nauseated by I was just so deeply hurt by this asshole for the past four months and most recently 2 weeks ago. And in the past I used to get so amused when people talk talked about him and would subsequently tell him that on one of our dates as a joke. I think we both enjoyed the secrecy a little-- we were practically the only two young people of opposite sex who could date by we were both single (well, I didn't know he was mentally unavailable at the time) and were both somewhat above avg looking ( in a non conceited way by obviously he gets a lot of girls just like that, I'm a little lacking myself). But that all changed of course. So now I have to hear that and want to scream from my head that he is NOT a genuine athletic guy at all!! Yes it's true there is a reason when men of a certain age remain single at a certain age. I am fair and won't say he is a complete complete womanizer but he definitely likes his options because he lacks as strong of moral principle as I do.. And in his defense many guys don't have that kind of moral principles in today's world so as much as I hate his irresponsible behavior I won't tell him to go die. When someone is presented with so many options all the time and all women are accommodating to his behavior why would one want to change or self reflect? Maybe it IS easier to blend in with 85% the population.. On to that in mt future therapy posts.

So because I am such a nice and fair person I didn't scream all the horrible things to the ladies in the car. I also choose not to behave like all the people who do dislike him from his department who refuse to hang out with him. I could but I choose not to. Just not in my nature to destroy someone like that. Not worth it. I can be vengeful but gossiping is a petty way to get back at someone.. Again there will be another chapter on revenge...;-)

So basically I let them have that pleasant talk in the car. And because I was really tired from the hike In the morning (he was not part of the outing fortunately), and was still hurt from that event seven days ago, as soon as we got to the seafood restaurant I went in the bathroom and threw up. More like gagging because I didn't have breakfast. But that reaction was so intense I thought I was going to pass out in the bathroom of a really smelly but I guess famous seafood joint in jilong.

When I returned to the table I acted like I was having a heat stroke and ate very little. Fortunately nobody suspected otherwise. Then of course under my panic attack I asked my friend if I could speak to her when I got home.

Long story short, So now my best friend and I have decided that I would check in with her daily for 15 min just to see how I feel and develop this habit of being able to channel my feelings and park them until our conversation. She's also extremely good at directing my thoughts to make it more about myself and less about the guy.

One of the things that really upset me from the Saturday conversation was that he mentioned different girls constantly, exactly what made me decide I would rather not be with him. It made me feel like a friggin idiot Being the last person on earth who WOULD care about his well being and had that three hour dinner with him three months ago hoping he would actually listen to my advice and be the perso he claims he can be --focused on his career and not women all the time. What a fucking waste of time because apparently that's still all he thinks about. Even if he didn't do it intentionally I felt his constant mentioning of women made me feel like friendship is even impossible which is why I had the meltdown the following day and this time it really is broken..yes it's true he may know now that I'm still not over him but heck who cares if we should ever speak to each other ever again.

And yes, I was also sick to my stomach because I realize at the same moment when I was suffering from this breakup he is already in the bed of that ex girlfriend slash married woman from mainland china. That made me feel like double shit and double the idiot.

So as my friend pointed out bluntly yesterday --he probably forgot all about you already. Lets focus on you and not this jerk anymore.

So yes, I will write a little everyday about why this is not a very opportune time for me to have a heart break this year ..turning 30, having to attend a million weddings and baby showers, living in Asia, having to leave work and go to MBA and hence currently unemployed with limited exposure to new guys, having to leave my parents again...

Stressors compounded with heartbreak. I think that's the reason why I'm taking it so hard with this jackass.

Day 7

Day 7: getting out, trying new places, meeting new people, fluctuating between good and absolutely horrible moods. Sometimes I think I need a pill to get over it, sometimes I think I am extremely fortunate to have someone close to hold my hand through it all. It sounds cliche but true: I thought you were different. But you are just like any bloke I meet out there. I was treating you with true feelings, but I don't get the same in return. It makes all that's happened a joke to me. Because I can almost see you standing in a bar at the same time as I type this, moving on, finding a new prey to be your steady, long term girlfriend and potential wife in the next six months. Do I still still want to be that girl? I don't think so. I am now realizing, you still want the fun. You tread on hearts. You claim you want to settle down, but you just want options. Well, I do too. I like the option of not being with you. So now I am going to treat you like I treat everybody else in a bar. Small talks. Fun, outgoing chats. Pay for my drinks if you insist. Call me back, or don't. I don't care. Lets just call the night for whatever it's worth. Drop by, hangout, meet up... And soon enough, there will be no evidence of love left. We both just let it go.

Therapy post

My running list Someone I love who loves me back Not selfish Brave Ambitious Altruistic These will be the qualities I look for in a marriage partner.. In that order. Due to recent events, it's made my priorities super straight. In fact, I don't even think I have seen things this clear before. I used to have a running list that would rate everything equally, or at least i would know what it is that I DON'T want. But that process of elimination has not worked so well I think. Probably more importantly, I need to know what i DO want, in order to move on with life quickly. The thing is, I just hung out again with that guy last night and here are the conclusions I finally came to in my head: 1. The attraction I have for him is purely physical. It's still there, and that's why it's hard for me despite the very non considerate things he's done.. But I am coming out of it. But being perfectly honest, I AM attracted to him and seeing him does make it harder. 2. He is a man boy who doesn't know what he wants. 3. He is insecure about himself. 4. He is pretty selfish. Another sign of immaturity. 5. He is a broken man, which makes him selfish and insecure. And even though I have been broken too, but I have not lost that faith and hope in life and relationships. Oh trust ime I have doubted myself and the life choices i made, but in the end I decided that i need to hold on to my faith. Otherwise i would be just as broken as everyone else who I despise, and frankly, i wouldn't be who i am anymore. 6. He doesn't love me. Not that he doesn't like me, but he doesn't love me. This is truly impossible to find now when people put their own needs always above everything else. It makes you selfish (again), and you assess all the partners as, well, options you could have. As Bridget Joned said, I can't be with someone who's not quite sure. I'm still looking for something, more extraordinary than that. Clip: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-f_JF42477h2mY/bridget_joness_diary_2001_bridget_dumps_daniel_again_part_2/ I only pray to god that since I have verbally agreed to be friends, that I will never be tempted, never doubt myself, and never want to go back, even just for a moment. And I will need all the courage i have.

some revelations since i turned 30

It still sucks immensely so i dont think i am able to fully elaborate at this moment. I will keep it simple for now.... and maybe go over the series of events at a later time, when i need to use this blog for therapy. From 5/13 to 6/13, we had one intense month. We went out almost every day for two weeks since my last sad post, we held hands, we hugged, we kissed, i went to singapore for more school interviews, and we fought, we made up, i had more interviews, and we fought, and we made up again, and we decided to stay friends right before i came to the US for work and vacation. and then today i cried a little. that's about it in a nutshell. the biggest take away is that, i am not as strong as i think, especially around the timeframe of turning 30. another thing is, every break up sucks, no matter how many times you've gone through it. It all goes back to my point of beastiality in the world...because there are so many questionable people with moral issues out there, always being 100% idealistic does NOT help. I am at the point that i regret having watched Disney Princess movies AT ALL. (and i've become quite a bitter woman for it, as my family had noticed). Is it really better that we accept flaws in people and just know that you can never find someone as true to their values as you are? Do i still have the luxury to ask for that despite having just turned the big 3 and still haven't landed a chap? If i really was as strong as i had thought previously, could i still stick with the theory that i love myself the most and if you ever have a run in with someone less morally acceptable or dates more casually than you do, just break free from that? because a better one will always come along? Or is it that maybe that someone just doesn't exist any more, because of the fierce competition ALL women face and would willingly offer themselves to these men? AND in my head i know guys like him don't deserve him, after the fact that i already started liking him. so despite the warnings in my head/from my close friends, we continued to meet, until i was no longer comfortable, and so we fought. For now, i've taken the high road. we had a long friendly chat. I said he could be better. and he needs to be better. and he accepts fully and wants to work on his issues. and i'm supposed to be off to a better future (right?), and not being together (since it never was official) was probably the easiest thing to do. and i just can't bear to do this to myself anymore, to doubt my own values, to think either i need to change or i will die single (which never was such an issue to me before, apparently i'm not as strong as i thought). and he said he wants to better. and he will work on upgrading himself. so we continue to keep in contact as friends..but am i just making it harder for myself and easier for him to keep a good girl around like me? to be honest i'm not sure if his past behavior does not warrant this kind of kindness from me. but in my heard I also fear losing touch, because maybe he really is who i believe him to be (because he could have easily walked away from my speech about different values, and stopped working so hard or care about what i think or my family thinks). can i believe that something can stem from this eventually, or just rip off the bandaid and walk away completely? i really hope my time in the US will help me clear my head.

world of beastiality

I had thought about this many times just never officially written about it. One of the reasons why my singleness has lasted this long and will probably go on is because i suspect (or with total confidence) that I actually live in a world of beastiality. time and time again, when i was out with friends i'd realize that it seems like no one shares/holds the same value as i do anymore-- monogomy, only get together with those you love (given that it's a small number), respect, trust.. and then i would hear the most outrageous things from everyone, then i realize either i live in a freak circus or i am actualy the only freak in this show. Quick example: when i was in SH last, I went out with a colleague and a bunch of her friends. So you know this is in CHINA and not any western country. Then we started playing 'truth or dare'...and the truth came out...I was trying to be REALLY focused so i was only penalized twice throughout the game. the first time i could get by with doing sit-ups, the second time i had to tell the truth. but people were gentle with me because they didn't know me well. however, i think i learned a bunch of stuff from people that night, that just once again confirmed my slight suspicion that i actually DO live in a world of beastiality. when people exchanged most 'daring place' for sexual activities, all kinds of crazy places came out - offices, jacuzzi at the hotel, shower place at the gym -- the list went on and on. and then when some married men was asked about times of cheating, it was multiple times, with different women.. please note this is a small sample of people who looked extremely normal (i'm not talking about people i meet at a club), and this is in ASIA. And then during the trip, i was harrassed by a male colleague of mine, who has a wife and a kid, who wanted to come over to my room at 2am in the morning. i was fuming. the world is sick. Then i was at the executive lounge having dinner by myself, armed with a 500 page book called 'the third choice', as well as my cell phone, when some dude invited himself to sit down across from me. we had a good chat, about everything, music, book, travel, time in China...he seemed into me, and i was just bored and i knew he just needed attention so i gave him the time of the day. And then we proceeded to talk about relationships. and then he said a lot about sleeping with his female friends which made their friendship closer. and i respectfully disagreed...i think he was trying to see if i would go back to his room with him, and the whole night i was just not having it. So he finally left. The last time when i was at the exec lounge i was actually approached by a married man (with a ring and actually showed me a picture of his family) TWICE in a week. it made me want to shoot myself (or someone). How am i expected to meet someone i love and believe in the institution of marriage, when i feel that there is beastiality all around? As a single woman, i never NOT believed in message or love, but i also believed in living the most fulfilling life you possibly can (not in a religious way necessarily). In my view, when there is no love, there is no boyfriend and hence no fiancee or someone to married to, hence no wedding and no kids. So i dont think about kids. because it only matters if i am actually seeing someone. otherwise having any arbitrary number in my mind, is just going to make me feel like super shit and a failure. all that i am asking for, is to find someone with the same value system who i care for and who loves me the same way as i do love them. who is AVAILABLE. I dont know what planet these previously mentioned people are from, but if they didn't know i am such a self-righteous person, i dont know who is. how could they think i'd ever allow cheating or whoring around?? although some days i feel maybe i should

the most brave thing i've done in a while (it's called self-preservation)

although, the most brave thing also happens to be the most cruel thing i can do to myself. many of you might be pleased to hear this, but i actually did go on a date, among the craziness i just described in my last post. And i suppose what people say is true, things happen when you least expect it. At least i didn't expect this coming. This guy and i met because he actually is new at my company. i didn't think much at all, because, well, i'm already transitioning in my mind. So i can really care less. Plus he sits on a different floor, and i travel to China all the time. I care more about what's going to happen in the next 6 months...and these other major decisions. He joined 2 months ago. Also around 2 months ago, i decided to start a 'club' at work. A club i was a part of back when i was in the US, called Women in Science (WIS). Basically i find it baffeling that the morale in the TW office is always low, people are waiting to retire, young people are hired on as contractors, no one has real motivation in sight or reasons to connect with people on a higher level unless it's part of their job description. Coming from the US, i didn't like these silos. So i started a club, that encourages the development of women leaders (this is only a chapter that i'm starting, this organization actually exists in the US and many other big markets). So i started selling the idea in company meetings, and started planning for events for the year. I felt like i can make a difference, until my departure (whenever that is), and hopefully my legacy will live on). So the first event i had organized was about having a 'sponsor' at work (which is a populart idea now in western countries), and invited regional women leaders who are based in the TW office to share their experiences. So basically when i sent out the request for people to add to the WIS distribution list, only ONE guy volunteered. the new guy. he showed up to that meeting about sponsors of course, and asked questions and actively participated. I stupidly actually scheduled the event on the SAME day as my GMAT. so i pretty much rushed back from the testing center looking like complete shit, and tried to act as calm and put-together as possible, leading the discussions. THEN, after the meeting, i received an email from our lone male participant, about an article he had read about the 'sponsorship effect', for which i graciously thanked his interest. And then i proceeded to ask him if i can ask him questions about the MBA he had just completed. please note at this point i had ZERO intention to get with anyone. we met the next day in the office. to my surprise he prepared a list of discussion points to 'guide' me through this MBA chat. I was pretty shocked to say the least. And then, he started talking about his program and the other programs. Please note that his program ranked in the top 10 in europe. but he was listening to my requests and challenges at work and was making very objective suggestions to say i can try to score really high and shoot for really good scores. I could tell i was holding back. from past experience i've learned to not tell guys about my degree background, and what i got on my tests..etc. So i didn't tell him that I ALREADY APPLIED AND AS OF THE DAY OF THE WIS EVENT I ACTUALLY SCORED A SUPER HIGH SCORE WHICH PUT ME IN A VERY FAVORABLE PLACE. I APPLIED TO THE TOP FIVE IN EUROPE AND I'M AIMING AT GETTING IN. Of course i didnt' say that because i didn't want to sound like a psychomaniac people think i am because i happen to be able to combine my interst with work and do well on exams. one thing i learned in life is guys hate smart and successful girls. So i thanked him after the talk. When i returned to my seat, we started talking through instant messaging. I joked that i should invite him to happy hour with anotehr colleague in his department we both know. and he said, NO, I THINK MAYBE LET'S NOT INVITE HER. and then i was thinking in my head, SHOOT...DOES THAT MEAN HE LIKES ME DESPITE I'VE LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE CAREER ORIENTED WOMAN. So to cut straight to the chase, he invited me out on a 'date'. and like i always have to tell someone, i can't watch iron man right away because i was about to go on a biz trip for 2 weeks in China (which is why i suffer in the romance department). and he said he can wait. and asked me not to catch the bird flu (haha funny). So over the 2 weeks when i was in China i was becoming more and more anxious about the 'date'. Finally, it took place this past Monday. We met up at the train station, had dinner, and then the movie. Over dinner i could feel myself telling him more frustration about my work situation in China, although i was trying not to. and then when we walked into the theater area, we ran into the co-worker i HATE! who was super annoying in TW to begin with and then moved to SH and joined my department and became a even bigger pain in the a**. what are the frigging chances!!! he gossips so much too and he could tell the whole work in both TW and China. So i immediately turned around and behaved like a child, looking really flustered. basically the GUY put up with my crazy antics, which i apologized later. but we did have to hide from the cowker again during the exit of the movie. I think my point was, the night was really eventful and unexpected. and i had a lot of fun. he insisted to pay for everything. he had lost his wallet in the morning and had to pull out the bills from his pocket which i made fun of him for (just really ghetto looking). After the movie I said i would just ride the MRT home. He then offered to 'drive' me. so we would have to get off at a different stop so he could pick up his car at his place. he did drive me home, we talked a lot and joked a lot. and then i joked some more nervously when we got to my place, and pretty much fled his car after thanking him... I knew over the evening i was shifting between being totally relaxed and the fun and sarcastic and crazy and funny person i am, and being a bit cautious and protective myself. like i would be holding my purse with BOTH hands on one arm, or maybe at times maintaining some distance between us so that i can avoid handholding or anything that may happen. WHY? put simply -- it's a self-preservation thing. i'm getting ready to leave my job, i DID NOT expect to meet anyone and to leave them. this guy doesn't know the truth about how good i am with tests and with work and my rank in the company, and he thought i was just a cute girl with a uneasy temper. So the truth is, i realized after the date how much i might actually like this guy. and i realized everything in my near future plan points to departure -- moving to SH for the internal offer they are forcing down my throat, or to europe to begin a new journey. either way, i would be leaving for something bigger and better. and who wants THAT?? I also realized that i don't deal with long-distance relationship too well. you end up being sad all the time and missing the person, and then you have fights, and then it totally screws up the MBA experience for you, like how my college was ruined by my first and only boyfriend who trampled my heart. And then the next time, when i was getting ready to leave NJ, i made the 'smart' choice, i didn't feel like the guy i liked would ask me out with complete certainty, so i decided to leave to take the job in Asia. STILL, i was sad for about a year, and occasionally, now, about what could have been. So either way sucks. I lost sleep for two days.. I didn't want to tell him like i'm over thinking the whole thing, but i thought he deserves the truth -- the truth about me leaving. Even though i like the guy a lot, he is pretty adorable, is nice to me and pretty funny, is taiwanese with good education, and a bit older, and we are in the same industry. I didn't think i could like him before the date because of the inconveniences i mentioned, but i did get drawn to him because we had a lot of fun and cute moments. So i decided that i would be merciful to him and myself. just tell the truth about my timeline. So i did. today. i asked if i could borrow an hour of his time in the office. when he walked in i could feel myself getting really nervous about what i was about to say, and then it just came out. I told him that i already have interview offers, he asked me which schools, and i told him. those were schools that he would love to go but didn't qualify for. he was very gracious. and then he was jokingly asking about my gmat score, and of course, i scored very high on my last try. so he was again impressed too. he knew about the other job offers too. I was beginning to explain why i didn't tell him, because (my official explanation was that i didnt' know him enough to tell anyone), the truth is, i didn't have the heart to tell ANOTHER GUY how i have these accomplishments just have him run away from him or find me freaky. and i really think there's potential for me to really like him (which he will never know). ..... I did this also because i knew he'd rather be with someone local (he gave up job offers to come back to TW to start fresh), whereas i am just starting to take off with this mba and want to see the rest of europe. i know i would like to be married at some point, if someone great comes along. but i also want to do things in life which i wont get to do later. It is only fair that i lay things out right now. he politely thanked me for telling him. and said he was really impressed. and jokingly said i need to offer him a job when i come back as a general manager of the company (NOT FUNNY TO ME AT ALL. i've heard shit like this from people before). I had to downplay my gmat score as a fluke, i had to say i had no idea why the company liked me so much...jsut to play down everything that i am proud of.. basically. we haven't texted, since the date, and since our conversation today. and i highly doubt we will still be able to date, knowing there may be an end in mind. my point is, i COULD stay for someone. if that someone asks. i could stay for someone who is brave enough to like me the way i am, without making feel like i have to play down my accomplishment. i could stay for someone who sees that i am actually being very selfless when i tell the truth, because i fear guys would feel that they are tricked into a relationshp with a wife who's actually smart, only to tell me 10 years later that they feel too much pressure. on the flip side, it takes a lot of courage for me to do this. since i actually like this person. but i can't continue to see 'how it goes' for the next 6 months, only to tell him at the end that i'm leaving for my MBA which i should find out in a month. so i decided to be cruel to myself..and just rip off the bandaid. this could be my last chance before turning 30 to meet cute and date cute with someone, and i nipped it in the bud because i couldn't bear to hide the truth. i know if we dated more i would like him more and will get really hurt. so i did what i did. i think it's self-preservation. i might cry myself to sleep, but i might just get over it, right? i'm getting really sad just transcribing my feelings...

statistics for now...

yes..i've disappeared for about 2 months... over this time period, lots have happened (i'm actually quite surprised that i haven't been diagnosed with brain tumor through this stress)... took GMAT 3 times travelled to China 4 times (over a week each time) Packed in 100+ hours of cramming score finally went from (and i didn't know this would be possible in my lifetime), 530-->640-->720. and then on the last day i finally screamed (in my head), and walked out and never looked back. I almost though i had to high-five the PiersonVue test center lady because i've been there so many times we can probably grab lunch together. Standardized test is really not for people over the age of 28 and working full-time and traveling constantly (lesson learned)... submitted 4 applications and finished 20+ essays for all the schools. and finally, i'm happy to announce that i've gotten two interview offers!! yippe! a month from now i will find out...about EVERYTHING. AND, work is still giving me pressure about leaving, except that now there are two somewhat attractive internal opportunities, which is making my life hell because my mindset was ready to leave and begin my journey somewhere in Switzerland/France/Singapore/UK, and now i might actually stay on?! Ugh i lose so much sleep over the craziness in my life i almost feel like i'm back in high school, except i'm actually almost twice that age... darn.

tiredness in my brain

this week is really the crunch time for GMAT. my brain is tired from the intense class and homework schedule for a week, on top of full time working and business travels, and trying to keep everything a secret. i am taking in 4 days and yet i feel like since Sunday night my brain just sort of shut off. i could not read another argumentative passage or draw another ratio pie to solve for x and y. Thank god i grew up in asia so the geometry isn't that big of a problem. But yes, the data sufficiency questions make me want to scream. I have so much to lose if i do horrible. that makes me freak out too. maybe that's why i have been getting this headache. Basically work already knows that i am departing in 6 months (i secretly suspect that when they say they are trying to link me up with things i would like, they tricked me into saying my timeline). at this point, they've pretty much given up on me and are probalby looking for my replacements. it's like i'm already one foot out the door. so i need to do REALLY well on this exam. i also need to write some kick-ass essays. which is hard because like i said, i dont have anything too stellar to write about because i do medical things that take a long time to execute (publications can take up to a year to create and publish, posters/oral presentations are only one aspect of a medical congress), there's usually no big 'conflicts' i must resolve with my team-members (because i tend to be the only person who is the subject matter expert), i do have difficult 'customers' to deal with ie. the doctors and marketing colleagues who don't give a crap about publications because they just do ghost writing in China. ughh. the more i think about it, the more i feel my essays will sound like a pile of crap. it won't be anything like their other candidates, "achieved 170% growth in sales in one fiscal year" or "as the operational lead for two multi-national corporations' merger/acquisition". I mean, i would like to get to that point, but right now i am a big nerd. and i need to have people write kick-ass recommendations for me. darn. i think i better have a plan B. OR, if everything works like i expected, my next post can be named -- A YEAR IN XXXXX (city TBD). sigh.

My next move

My brain feels really tired from recent major decisions i have made. To make long story short, i have decided that i would pursue an MBA as my next step. Reasons: 1. I have realized that my specialization is perhaps too specialized. As much as i liked the art and the skills i have aquired from working on the pharma side to produce scientific publications, i have also realized the limitations of having this as a career for the rest of my life. 2. if i don't challenge myself now and make yet another drastic switch in my career, i will probably never do it. the opportunity cost is just less when i do it now vs. when i have a family or when i'm more senior in my career. 3. I wanted to try my chances with pharmaceutical marketing, business development and strategic planning, which are difficult to enter as a medical professional with zero sales experience. even though i think i could be really good at these things, it is hard to argue that my skills are trasferrable. Hold backs/concerns: 1. People at work who are nay-sayers. I am being told that an MBA is NOT required, and their hidden message is that i will regret it. or that it's a waste of time. 2. it's very expensive. i would have to spend everything that i've made since graduation. and the return on investment is a big question mark. 3. i have to leave my family again. To counter the point made by the people in #1, i have talked to a few people who graduated from B school and entered a leadership development program (as a full time employee) with pharma companies. they train you in diff departments and eventually advance you quickly to leadership roles (or so i heard). So that is more attractive than just sitting here and trying to make little transition at a time, while always networking my ass off trying to convince people that i can 'think' like a marketer, whatever that means. there isn't only ONE kind of marketer in this world. and even if you are a really good marketer/sales person in your previous life, it doesn't mean that 'business' can't be taught to a medical person. So if i listened to these people, i would stay put in my current job until...well..until there is a position that is willing to consider me. And frankly, i'm not the type who waits for something to happen, especially if i have to identified as a 'key talent' (it's probably self-explanatory why i use this phrase), before i am advanced anywhere. First, i'm horrible at kissing ass, and secondly, when everyone is supposed to be a key talent in some way, it's impossible to stand out. There are supportive voices for me to get my MBA though, my current and previous managers, are two examples. I was actually surprised to hear the words "that's a fantastic idea' coming from them. Perhaps i have been so used to people telling me that i'm dreaming, or people who are concerned about my departure because it will bring them inconveniences in trying to fill the job to what it is that i do. But they are in agreement with what i have speculated. So i think that's a good sign. I suppose the $ part is still tough. my plan is to get the acceptances, and work until 3Q of this year and get enough $, apply for as many scholarships as i possibly can, pick up a summer internship to offset the costs...etc. Oh God, why do i subject myself to this? At the end of the day, i suppose no one can tell me if this is the right or wrong decision. Only time will tell. my plan is to be equipped with busienss trainings within a short period of time during my MBA, and come out being able to do (at least theoretically) market analysis, financial planning/projection, strategic operations, strategic marketing. Then i will apply for those leaderships programs which will give me one or two years of solid training in the companies either at the headquarter or in Asia. HOWEVER, if i happen to change my mind somewhere in the program, and decide to go into consulting, that may not be such a bad idea either. Either way, i will never know if i continue to do what i do right now. I ultimately still would like to live in Asia. I just want to move away from the daily grinds which really kills my passion for the science. I would never work in a job where i feel like i'm not 'learning' anymore. If i can continue to work at different things until i am 45, then either be an entrepreneur of something or work for an NPO, that wouldn't be half bad, either. I just wanted to see how far i can go without being 'unhappy'. It's never about rising up the ranks in one thing and one thing only and being super calculating. I figured that, hopefully by the time i am done with my immediate 5 year plan, I will have qualifications to work as the medical lead and commercial lead. most people are experts in one or the other, but it's rare to have both. plus i will also have experience doing these in 3 markets...at least my resume will sound a lot better than it does now. At that point, the table will be swtiched. i will not have some senior managment tell me that i don't have the skills or why is it that i don't follow the path or my interests do not have mutual benefits with the company because they only need someone to be super detail oriented and speaks two languages to help them crank out these publications like a machine. whew. ok that feels therapeutic. On to my next post. *_*