Incident and healing process

It's a healing process.
I happen to have a very good friend who's held my hand through this period and I've told her that ill document my thoughts as a way to let go.. Among many different things I'm trying (when this all ends I will be sure to write a book on the methodology I've used to get over a break up and move on with life, which hopefully will end with the final chapter on posting the link to Lilly Allen's music video "F$&@ you" and tagging the person's name with it)..
For some reason I feel that I'm already so much closer to that day...:-)

This all began three days ago when I had a panic attack in the car and subsequently the restaurant after having yo attend a company trip as an ex employee and was bombarded with news about that guy for a good 15 min with no way out of the car. So basically I was sitting in on a discussion bye old women about this guy who they are curious about who they found very good at a certain spirt and were totally impressed. I couldn't join the duscussion be even hearing his name was making me nauseated by I was just so deeply hurt by this asshole for the past four months and most recently 2 weeks ago. And in the past I used to get so amused when people talk talked about him and would subsequently tell him that on one of our dates as a joke. I think we both enjoyed the secrecy a little-- we were practically the only two young people of opposite sex who could date by we were both single (well, I didn't know he was mentally unavailable at the time) and were both somewhat above avg looking ( in a non conceited way by obviously he gets a lot of girls just like that, I'm a little lacking myself). But that all changed of course. So now I have to hear that and want to scream from my head that he is NOT a genuine athletic guy at all!! Yes it's true there is a reason when men of a certain age remain single at a certain age. I am fair and won't say he is a complete complete womanizer but he definitely likes his options because he lacks as strong of moral principle as I do.. And in his defense many guys don't have that kind of moral principles in today's world so as much as I hate his irresponsible behavior I won't tell him to go die. When someone is presented with so many options all the time and all women are accommodating to his behavior why would one want to change or self reflect? Maybe it IS easier to blend in with 85% the population.. On to that in mt future therapy posts.

So because I am such a nice and fair person I didn't scream all the horrible things to the ladies in the car. I also choose not to behave like all the people who do dislike him from his department who refuse to hang out with him. I could but I choose not to. Just not in my nature to destroy someone like that. Not worth it. I can be vengeful but gossiping is a petty way to get back at someone.. Again there will be another chapter on revenge...;-)

So basically I let them have that pleasant talk in the car. And because I was really tired from the hike In the morning (he was not part of the outing fortunately), and was still hurt from that event seven days ago, as soon as we got to the seafood restaurant I went in the bathroom and threw up. More like gagging because I didn't have breakfast. But that reaction was so intense I thought I was going to pass out in the bathroom of a really smelly but I guess famous seafood joint in jilong.

When I returned to the table I acted like I was having a heat stroke and ate very little. Fortunately nobody suspected otherwise. Then of course under my panic attack I asked my friend if I could speak to her when I got home.

Long story short, So now my best friend and I have decided that I would check in with her daily for 15 min just to see how I feel and develop this habit of being able to channel my feelings and park them until our conversation. She's also extremely good at directing my thoughts to make it more about myself and less about the guy.

One of the things that really upset me from the Saturday conversation was that he mentioned different girls constantly, exactly what made me decide I would rather not be with him. It made me feel like a friggin idiot Being the last person on earth who WOULD care about his well being and had that three hour dinner with him three months ago hoping he would actually listen to my advice and be the perso he claims he can be --focused on his career and not women all the time. What a fucking waste of time because apparently that's still all he thinks about. Even if he didn't do it intentionally I felt his constant mentioning of women made me feel like friendship is even impossible which is why I had the meltdown the following day and this time it really is broken..yes it's true he may know now that I'm still not over him but heck who cares if we should ever speak to each other ever again.

And yes, I was also sick to my stomach because I realize at the same moment when I was suffering from this breakup he is already in the bed of that ex girlfriend slash married woman from mainland china. That made me feel like double shit and double the idiot.

So as my friend pointed out bluntly yesterday --he probably forgot all about you already. Lets focus on you and not this jerk anymore.

So yes, I will write a little everyday about why this is not a very opportune time for me to have a heart break this year ..turning 30, having to attend a million weddings and baby showers, living in Asia, having to leave work and go to MBA and hence currently unemployed with limited exposure to new guys, having to leave my parents again...

Stressors compounded with heartbreak. I think that's the reason why I'm taking it so hard with this jackass.