Saturday, October 5, 2013

feelings that i need to deal with and work through

it's been a while since i can do my daily therapeutic posts..mainly because i have been feeling better, after a major breakdown last week. during the week i think i pretty much cried every day over the smallest things..in public, with my friend, with my parents..it's like the tear duct just stopped listening to me. that triumphant feeling lasted for a couple days..and on this rainy day..i decided to do a post.

finally on the last day of Septemter, on the family trip to Kaohsiuong, i felt like i really just had it with these emotional outbursts. I'm really just sick of seeing  myself crying and feeling down. I was on a happy rendezvous with my parents and all i could focus on was my sadness, and it made me feel extremely selfish. but these thoughts and emotions just came to mind -- feelings of deceit, self blame, anger, dissapointment, self doubt, regret, vengeful....all of them.

Feelings of deceit because I am trying to understand how i could have been deceited...some of the memories seem so real and yet i now have to convince myself, that good memories only exist in the past now and they don't mean a thing to the person who's already moved on. bad memories because you realized you were lied to. and you believed the person so much at the time.

self blame because i blame myself for allowing myself to be deceited and to not see the person for what he's worth, despite the red flags...self blame that it's taking me so long to recover when most people just bounce back and find the next guy easily. self blame because i thought i was so smart and yet i tripped on something so trivial. self blame because i want to offer myself to the people who DO care about me and start being emotionally available and i still can't do that 100% (although i have been improving).

Anger because I want to hate this person so much. I wonder if it's ever a good strategy now..to hate someone in order to move on. I still can't get myself to feel absolutely neutral when it comes to hurtful feelings. i practice. I want to look at it from the third person's perspective. but i can't yet. i know it takes time. but i'm frustrated. It's almost easier to hate someone for the faults that he's done.  anger because i am supposed to be ecstatic to begin my new life in 3 months and i just feel sad most of the time. and then sometimes hopeful. I am so angry at myself. angry because the world is so unfair, for someone like him he can continue to believe and behave like women are 'options' to him, and there will still be plenty who he can easily date. angry because it's so much harder for women to do that, even if and especially if you have a equal or even better profile. it's like a double edge sword. you get screwed either way. angry because i didn't completely tell him to go to hell and stay there. angry because i am being passive aggressive, and would passively respond to his messages. and in my head i still get disappointed if i never get his messages. what the hell is wrong with me? angry because he didn't choose me, and he chose his old lifestyle with these low life women with no morals. aren't i good and have lived a displined life and fun to be around and supportive of him in everyway and funny and attractive? this isn't enough to make him like me more than his old flame who he cheated with on her husband? why does this make me feel so defeated like i'm not good enough? and why am i even concerned with these people and their bullshit lifestyle and putting myself on the same level as them?

disappointed because I know i am strong in all other aspects of life..but something like this or someone like this can make me fall into pieces. disappointed because i once thought this could turn into something really good but it turned out to be the signature 'bad boy story' of my life. disappointed because i trusted someone, perhaps too easily and too quickly. Disappointed that he didn't feel the same way i did. disappointed because he didn't choose me. Disappointed because I thought he was a different person and my words or i meant something. disppointed because i'm not moving on as fast as this jerk. disappointed that i am suffering low self confidence because of it. disappointed that it's stoppoing me from feeling the joy in life..disappointed that i'm letting my parents and the friends who love me down. i just feel so disappointed. dissappointed because i didn't feel like i got stronger from the last breakup..this still feels like a mini death to me in my heart.

self doubt because i am now doubting some life choices which never bothered me before...things like spending so much time to get my doctorate degree, and being such a black and white person. i am beginning to question if i should change the way i think so that i can accept these flaws in morality and in human relationships, maybe i should change the way i look at things and deal with things and stop being judgemental and be okay with things i used to look down on. but if i did that, i would not be myself anymore. and why should i change myself for one guy and one encounter that's not even worth it? did i maybe have low self confidence to begin with? Am i letting too much asia get to me in terms of pressure for women to conform and to be married by a certain age and to get super attached to your parents? am i making mistakes that i will regret somewhere down the line? Am i too old? Do i secretly actually really want to be married despite all the pep talk i had given myself before? am i too idealistic in terms of finding the one? am i going to fail? am i wrong and maybe everyone else who's ever said anything negative to me about my age or being too independent is right? what if i DID move around too much? what if i am just paying for the price for wanting to pursue my dream? what if i never come back to Taiwan?

regret because i wish i had never met this guy who himself and the things he represent make me change so much and have felt so low for so long. regret because i could have been happy. we could have dealt with this differently. regret because everytime i think of something that happened in the past, good and bad, i with they never happened. I regret that i ever attempted to understand his world, the world of lies, cheating, cheating with someone with a spouse, casual hook ups, inability to do long distance..i did, i did try to understand. but i still can't forgive him. i can't. it's the hardest challenge i am given. how do you forgive someone who's hurt you, and do you need to?

i know i am better off without him. i just don't know why it's so hard for me to get over someone. i am so sick of my own whining. i am so sick of hearing myself talk about this person to people. but bottling up everything inside feels just as horrible too. what if it takes me too long to get over someone? what if i never meet the person i think should exist somewhere? what if i do meet the person and he's already unavailable?

i am so scared.




1 comment:

  1. Dear 容, we love you. Your family and friends love you. Don't worry about letting us down. You are doing your best already. We'll be here with you whether you are happy or sad. And, please don't put so much pressure on yourself. You are hurt so deeply because you are such a wonderful person. Only people who treats others with open heart would get hurt so much, but at the same time, you can't really find the right person and a meaningful relationship without being vulnerable like this. I think this jerk would never be truly happy just because of the way he treats people. The happiness he can find will never be at the level most honest people can enjoy. I also don't think people move from one relationship to another easily if they take each relationship seriously. Do you want to be like them? If not, then don't bother comparing to those people. You and I are not like that, and we probably don't ever want to be like that.

    You don't have to change your values and what you believe because of this jerk. But I do think people's values change or evolve over time as one experience more in life. If you modify what you believe, it's not because of him. It's because of you. As long as the change is what you want, there's nothing wrong to change. You might say, if you change what you believe in, then you are no longer you. But people do change. I don't think you'll make big changes that make me not recognize you anymore, but small changes that makes you happier, for example, is a good change. Anyway, I hope what I'm saying makes sense:P

    No matter what, we love you very much and we will of course worry about you. But don't worry about worrying us. It's what families are for anyway, worrying about each other forever. So, just hang in there. It takes time, and you already know this. So, I'm just going to shut up now:P

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