I haven't figured it out.
With my last major relationship, which ended also brutally and abruptly, I decided that I would never speak with my ex again and wish death upon him, or a least slaps across his face if I ever run into him. People tell me it takes a lot of effort to hate. And if I do still feel the anger, that means I never completely got over the person.
I suppose I can see the rational. But my defense was that no it takes me almost no effort to hate. All I need to do is everytime I think of this person I wish unfortune upon him. I don't believe anyone should get away with hurting people with no consequences. Because you are dealing with human emotion, not a fish in the fishtank. People get hurt when you change your mind. I don't know if I will ever understand it from the other side of the table and if I ever want to. I know friends who are close to me also have tried dating people who they like less and who they have to end up hurting. I don't know if that could be a solution and I'm not sure if I am able to do that at all. It may be a curse and a blessing in disguise. On one hand I feel very high and mighty that I don't subject myself to something hurtful to other people ever in my life, and on one hand I almost secretly believe that this will put me on the receiving end of hurt for the rest of my life. Is it better to be a little cruel and selfish when it comes to love so you can at least try things out, or as people say, give someone the benefit of the doubt, then leave them once things don't work out? Then how is it diff from what I am going through right now? But if it helps with the pain...
So lately I read an article on controlling your obsessive thoughts, which really is a good read, after many good reads I've been subjecting myself to. It hits the nail on the head -- treat these thoughts with little to no interest, like you're watching the world to by in a coffee shop. I can't put it as eloquently, but basically the article is saying had we have these obsessive thoughts because we choose to associate feelings and interests with them, which fuel their existence and magnify them ten times more. Then pretty soon all you can RBI k about are these obsessive, negative thoughts.
It is very true in my option. I give life to these thoughts. They come into my head and I feel sad and therefore I react to them by appearing sad and can't move on in life.
However since the article, I have tried to look at these past memories, when they do come up, as things that happened to other people. I just watch it happens and unfolds, with no feelings at all. And it's true that the anxiety and the sadness and heartbreak that usually comes wont it, also do not last very long.
This morning I was thinking that a little. The most precious memories that I have of these relationship, or more precisely, the moments when I felt like I had fallen for this person. And I have to say its hard to look at these events with no emotional attachment, but I tried. And at the same time I also remembered that retrospectively, I understood that at the time, he was still talking to his ex, at the time, he was still dating the girl who live on the same st as me, at the time, he was still weighing his options about doing a long distance relationship. He wasn't in it 100% as I was, to experience the romance. So he didn't fall hard, or in other words, he didn't like me enough.
It was hard to enough to do the exercise up that far, because every memory was special to me in its own way. And I'm not jaded enough with life that I just take what people say with a grain of salt every time, and treat all men like liars. Maybe one day I will, but I have been a pretty genuine/gullible person up until now. So am I never to experience the joy of falling in love? And I going to doubt the sincerity of the people around me?
Its hard to let go but there is no other way than to just do it. I suppose kind of like the move the Etwrnal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You erase the memories, good and bad. They may be precious to you, but not to other people. When things end.
In reply to, "I'm not jaded enough with life that I just take what people say with a grain of salt every time, and treat all men like liars. "
ReplyDeleteIt's not about being jaded with life. Rather, you should always take what people say (words) as a grain of salt. Talk is cheap; it's actions that matters. Whether it be lovers or friends, you should look for consistency instead of only paying attention to their words. You can still be passionate about life and people while weeding out talkers.