A bad sign

when I start to imagine conversations we never had in my head.

Ugh. STOP FALLING FOR UNAVAILABLE MEN (although the fact that he's unavailable remains unknown because i never asked).

In any case, it is highly likely that i am leaving in 5 months. and it is highly likely that he won't care more than just as a friend/preceptor.

Yes, that's the problem, he is my preceptor/boss. HE is that young man who i referred to in my previous post as someone my age who graduated from the same program that i am in 2 years ago, who is already working f/t for the company. Who had to step in as my preceptor because my original preceptor was leaving our group, who i 'thought' i had interesting talks/chemistry with. Apparently/hopefully it is all in my head.

it is HIGHLY inconvenient to have to spend about 1 hr a week talking to him 1:1, where he gets to ask you questions about all aspects of your life. And he likes details. So i realize I end up telling more than i originally intend to. Because like always, i have verbal diarrhea and i can't control it. I'm sure he now realizes that i have bipolar disorder (meaning i can be extremely manly/feminine, professional/childish at the same time, as validated by almost everyone around me, especially my sister K).

and i hate that i have to share with him things that i feel vulnerable about, that i dont' share with other people. BECAUSE he is now my preceptor, and he knows the right question to ask because he's been there, it's easy for him to probe, the challenges. I can't just quickly breeze through the highlights. So it makes it really hard for me to be like that, sharing what has been going really well, and what hasn't been going so well, with someone who i am not related to.

I really don't want to depend on him as my 'therapist' in that regard. Although it is nice to have someone to rely on to solve my problems, i realize there's limits to what he can do/provide, being such a newbie in the company himself. I don't know if he willingly or was forced into the position of preceptorship. But by now he should probably regret that he is obligated to spend at least 1 hr a week to listen to me rant. And now we actually sit on the same team so outside of these 1:1's, we also have meetings together. And i really hate to look stupid in front of someone who i sort of care. ugh.

And that's when you know that you might like someone, which i really don't like, given the circumstances. I am a firm believer of 'he's just not that into you', so if he hasn't tried anything that probably means that he's really just not that into me. And even if it's his rational side talking, that i am his 'fellow', if you put two rational people together, nothing can come of it either. because i'm never going to hit on him.

I REALLY wish i didn't care as much. I feel really sad at the same time that it's a crush that is goin to end soon (at least by June), because i partly really dont' want to stay. Not everything has been horrible. But from time to time i really miss home. Although that's also a silly idea, because is home where my parents are? or where i know the most people? because technically, i don't know that many people in tw other than my handful of friends from middle school. I definitely know more in california now, and i have met some really cool ones in Jersey as well. I just always feel so torn about where to go, what decision to make, if it's going to affect my 'marriage' future (even though i try not to think about it).

I think i'm just sad that, even though i put so much though into my imminent departure, that SOMEONE probably has no idea at all. I refuse to intepret his kind actions to me as signs of 'liking me'. he might be like that with everyone. he's a well-liked guy. And he's cute enough that everyone has a crush on him.

ugh. why can't it be super easy when it comes to relationships for me. I want to meet cute with someone, date cute with someone, and marry cute with someone, hopefully with no obstacles. I dont' ever want to choose, to take a step back, or feel sad.