Been terrible at maintaining my blog again...sorry
A quick thought before i'm off to bed. Something i've been wanting to comment.
So lately i've noticed that a lot of people have been, well, paying me a lot of compliments. And it's odd to me because it happens to my two sisters a lot, and not so much myself. These compliments usually center around, my look, my 氣質, my brain, my clothes...the list goes on and on.
So i've always advised my sister K that, don't believe everything you're told, esp these compliments. Mainly because that's how i look at these things. I can't seem to understand why people would go out of their way to do that. and i mean, REALLY go out of their way to do that. I'm not being sensitive, but the dry clean people tell me that everytime i stop by, they love my clothes, love the way i put on my make up, love the way i present myself...i almost have to quickly find an excuse to leave. And the same thing happens at work too, i don't work DIRECTLY with the people in the office. But i do care about the way i look, so i definitely maintain a business-casual look, ALWAYS wearing a trouser or a suit skirt on any day,and a full suit on a formal day.
So they say that i exert this feeling that they can't describe (note that i had my hair up in a 鯊魚夾 when i am on my computer, and my seat is in plain view to everyone. and i really just didn't give a damn because i dont like hair in my face when i type. So then of course when i take it off my hair is not nice and tame like everybody else, but again, that's been my look for ages, the messy hair look because i dont' have much hair and like to create volume. Even THAT people say they admire.
I am feeling VERY suspicious about all this. Call me a cynic but from the US i don't think people would voluntarily compliment someone like that. like they almost idolize you. They might do that to a really beautiful woman because they want something. but i dont understand what they can possibly get from me. I'm not saying this because i'm ungrateful and would rather that everybody hates me, but i just don't think that it is NORMAL, unless it comes from your close friend or your family. because THEY tell you the truth and what they really think.
In general, i think it's easier for taiwanese people to idolize a person who they think is 'cool'. they idolize people who look really pretty, they idolize people who get to live in a foreign country, they idolize foreign people (that's why it's 老外天堂), they idolize rich people, they idolize the 貴婦...so on and so forth. you get the point. So that's how i attribute this phenomenon to. Because i've recently moved back and i probably am not 'poor' to their standards and i dress in nice clothes and i probably don't look half bad and i have a high post-graduate degree...so they think that they are obliged to pay me compliments. Again, i'm not being ungreatful, but shouldn't these be goals you set for yourself?
I don't take anything i have for granted. And i know the process that's happened in order for me to get these things. I think it's really sad that, for girls in taiwan, there's this TREMENDOUS pressure to look 正. I honestly don't give a crap about looking 正. I care about what's inside of my head. That's why for the longest time i've looked like the biggest nerd full of acnes and crappy clothes and without a bf. But all of that didn't bother me back then. Becauase i liked the science and i've always known that i wanted to be something and love what i do. And fashion and beauty just weren't the focus of my life. So now i'm a bit older, i've learned how to dress myself, and after 10+ years of trials and error i've finally gotten my skin under control. And i am now earning money to pay for the clothes that i can afford to look professional. I think these things just happened in an order that i expect them to happen. I never thought it was important for me to look hot at 18 and date lots of guys.
I've noticed that most TW girls i've come in contact with or seen on TV, really can go on and on about beauty and clothes and guys and whatnot, and there seems to be this obsession with 孫芸芸 (or any second generation from a big corporate). And i only pretend i'm interested in these topics. Truthfully, most of the time i am too concerned/worried about work and my future to spare my time to think that. Once in a while i'll find something i really like, and i stick with it. I don't go around shopping for the best cosmetics or the expensive bags. I spend my time feeling like inadequate because there are too many MDs and PhDs and these people with 100+ years of experience in the company and i never feel like i'll get to where i want to be. And i dont know how i can be with all of the people i love all at the same time. That's kind of like how i spend my time right now.
So in short, i say this now and i think i would tell my daughter the same too. Knowledge is power. Don't ever feel like you need to compete with your peers on how hot you look. Because looks will get old. Knowledge won't. Your experiences will only get you more respected and farther in the area you work in. Learn what you want to learned and push yourself as hard as you can when you are young. You can always learn about dressing nice or putting on make up along the way, but don't make that the focus of your life. You don't need to envy the 貴婦 if you can be one yourself. and you have the power to marry whoever you want, and not some 50 year old dude who most likely are not physically attractive but with lots of money. and you never have to worry about growing wrinkles or having 副乳 or looking tan or whatever it is that people try to make Asian women feel bad about. and then when you stop giving a s**t about everything, people will tell you you've got that 氣質 they can't describe. ;)
Ok, i think that makes me sound even more like a feminist what i just wrote. ;) I just think in general there's big mistakes in how people educate their children or think about themselves. And then they end up paying for those mistakes later in their lives, or become unusually obsessed with people who they think have the qualities they want. You don't have to live in a cycle like this if you snip the bud in the head. I realize that i've been extremely lucky in that my family provided me with the resources that i needed in order to excel. If i wasn't given everything that i had i wouldn't become this woman that i am right now. At the same time, i've worked darn hard for what i have too. Like i said before....being super sad and nerdy for the majority of my life, enduring the pain of being away from my family for 13 years, enduring the pain of being in a foreign country in high school and had like no friends. I could have easily become a 玩咖 and just gotten a crappy degree in fashion/chinese studies and dated someone foreign and learned inproper English and just squander money. But i don't envy people who are like that, and in some way i always think you pay for those choices you make in life. If that's what i had done, i wouldn't have a job i love in the exact industry i want and doing what i want.
Ok....should proably find a way to finish this post. ;) I am just saying that, these compliments are getting to a point that they are not making me happy or flattered, just confused. People seem to think grass on the other side is greener and i don't agree with that. I don't think i'm that worth complimenting, i just try really hard and give up a lot of things in life. so i guess you can say i'm very 高拐 (台語). I only want sincere compliments. :)
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