This monday is definitely a eventful monday unlike others...I was not prepared for any of this. Well, i was prepared for the meetings, but i wasn't prepared for some of the events that happened during and after the meetings. And thus my countdown begins...
Major event #1: Connecting with the director at the Global Publication Center of Excellence
I have to say that, my ex-preceptor (aka my ex-boss who is transitioning out) has hinted that a majority of jobs will come from the CoE, because they are looking for people who have my skills in publications, my knowledge in my therapeutic area (CV/Metabolics), AND i manage not one, but TWO major diabetes brands. So after my boss's departure, i have become the one person who has a lot of training in both the publications management and operations pieces, which, i guess, makes me really valueable to the newly formed CoE. So this morning we had a download meeting with the new director, my ex-boss and i. Basically, we had to explain to her what activities have been goin on at CV/Met, and what my role has been. Immediately after the meeting, my boss went up to talk to the lady, although was not clear why.
Minutes later, she popped into my cube, asking me how much interest i have staying with the group, especially being the publication operations person for the department. She suggested that i reach out to the CoE again to express my desire, and also she has strongly advocated for me, and will continue to do so.
A couple hours later, we also had another meeting with the Director of Metabolics, who oversees BOTH diabetes products which i support. Again my boss was strongly advocating for my role in the department, saying that everybody will really need my help, and suggest that the DIRECTOR also advocate for me to stay.
And ALL THIS happened right after i sort of decided myself how the rest of the 6 months is going to go just a couple days ago. I have been doing a lot of thinking, like I always do, about family, my job, my potential marriage life, what makes me happy, my friends...etc. What has and will always be my priority, is my family (and my closest friends), although they have kind of been taking the back seat with my career in the way. I almost feel that i am goin to develop split personalities by having so many roles that i try to take on. I want to make sure i am there for my parents when they are old. I am beginning to feel that they need my assistance more and more, and the thought of leaving them waiting in Taiwan while grow professionally kills me. I dont know how many years i can afford to have them 'wait' for my return. At the same time, this 'thought' makes me suffer in my romantic life. I dont' blame it on my family at all, but i know that deep down if i do meet someone who is impossible to bring home, then that pretty much means i will have to sacrifice being with my family in order to stay with 'the one'. and the thought of that scares me too. And so, perhaps i am not proactively meeting people as i should. Next up, because of my career i push myself to do these things that i don't 'love', but perhaps would be good in the future at some point, like constantly moving, by myself, doing really challenging projects, being at social functions that make me really uncomfortable just to 'network'....And that's primarily why i was so sad everytime i come back from Taiwan. I wonder why i voluntarily put myself through this. I could spend all my time in taiwan doing what i love to do, exploring new restaurants/places to go with my oldest, and closest friends, have really easy get-togethers with them without worrying how i might be perceived or how much i need to impress them, and i also spend a lot of time with my parents just running errands, or going to places. I just miss being in that environment where you can almost do no wrong, and make no wrong decision. Because you don't have to wake up to another day of crappy 'black ice' or snow on the street, and try to dig your friggin car out because no one else will do it (least no man), and make your way to work, and at the end of the day, keep your 'true thoughts' to yourself because everything is new, and everyone is new, and you really can't be sure who is your true friend at work.
I want nothing more, to be happy. I want to have a job which i enjoy, and i want to be around people who i love and who will miss me when i am gone.
Given that i should be REALLY APPRECIATIVE knowing that my boss is actively campaigning for me to stay. if this happens to any other fellow, they would probably die in ectasy. However because of my special circumstances, i really really am put into an awkward situation, where i can't say that i'm 'completely not interested' to my boss's face, and i also don't want to wait til that point when i actually 'get the job', and say that actually i didn't want to stay at all. The truth is, with the economy this bad, and so many fellows/applicants trying to break into industry, i should be happy that my efforts are being recognized and valued on the team. and i really do appreciate my ex-boss. who has spent so much time with me, teaching me everything she knows and answering all my questions so i can be indepent and functional today. I honestly dont mind doing publications, but i had just decided to align my interests and experiences with what can potentially get me a job in Asia, aka Taiwan. From my conversation with the Medical Director from Taiwan, i was told that they need people who understand how Clinical Operations work, and people with Marketing experience. So i was going to focus my efforts on these two areas specifically. but now i am getting this 'push' from my boss to start applying for the publications position before they get filled, and start working full time immediately, i almost feel that my 'objectives' will have to be put on back burner. Is that going to help me in the long run? I really don't know. do i still have another year or two to waste away (in terms of age and marriage potential) to fight for my career?
And I thought it was going to be easy to walk away from it all.
2) My 1:1 with my new preceptor: aka the only good lookin guy on the entire team, which makes it extremely inconvenient
Yes, i'm not sure if i mentioned it in my previous posts, since so many changes have been goin on around here. But basically, the only cute guy in my department, is now my preceptor, because he has been promoted and now has transitioned to support the diabetes product. and with my preceptor leaving, he's taking over her role as my new preceptor. Aside from the fact that we've chatted like friends before this all happened, and we had a few fun chats together and the fact that i thought he was somewhat cute. I had to put ALL THAT aside and focus on my fellowship and my fellowship only. Because i tend to just turn somethings off when the situation requires me to be professional.
Anyway, we haven't officially had our 1:1 until today, because for the past 2 weeks i have been running around like a headless man for the recruitment. And now that the offer has gone out, I can really just focus on ME. So the dreaded and the much anticipated day comes...i pretty much came clean. What has happened to me thus far, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The challenges i have had, the obstacles i have had, the difficult people i had to work with or continue to work with, EVERYTHING. i can't tell if he actually felt sorry or good for me. Although he says he understands. he then proceeded to give me his perspective. similar things had happened while he was a fellow. althoug i have to say that i get much LESS support from the diabetes team because my position is quite new. I have to constantly try to prove myself, show what i can do, ask for projects relentlessly...it does become...really tiring. Even though i can be quite scarily tenacious, it gets really frustrating sometimes (which is why i also just really want to go home home into the arms of my sweet parents/friends and just F this all sometimes).
So HE said he's going to advocate for me...but he of course expects me to operate somewhat independently, and go to him with updates/problems. but he will try to make the rest of my fellowship what i hope it to be (of course like a maniac and control freak, i went to the meeting with objectives that i hope to achieve in the next couple months). So he learned about the connections i have made in Asia, and connections i have made internally ( i bet these guys really think i'm a scary woman but i really AM normal....). Anyway it sounded like he understands.
But can i trust him?
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Happy things for the day: knowing there might be a job, having my very honest 1:1 with my new boss, having lunch at Positano's with a cool friend, and meeting up with some cool friends at Salt Creek Grille for happy hour
Yesterday: Belly Dancing show at Cecil's Bar and Restaurant in West Orange, NJ, with my dear mentor in the program. :)
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