today i had several interesting conversations with my coworker. Not because it's intellectually interesting, rather it's interesting to communicate with people with different views on marriage based cultural/personal beliefs.
So since all the fellows are going through the least fun part of the fellowship (job hunting), she started telling me about this interview she went on today. She was told that basically there is a lot of competition, and that she better has a back-up plan. probably NOT the thing you want to hear from your interviewer when you have high hopes for a job. i was comforting her, telling her the advantages she she has over some of the other candidates i know who are also going for the same position. But honestly, in today's economy, it's very hard to stay positive. She then mentioned that even if she doesn't get the full time position, there might be a contractor position she can go for, and that if she gets it, it might not be a bad thing completely. Since she's always envisioned herself at least being engaged by the end of the 1 year fellowship. So not having a long term commitment to the company, while being a contractor, might be the best thing that can happen right now. So that if she meets someone, and they hit it off and decide to go back to India to get married, she still has that flexibility.
Of course, i was in awe a little bit. Maybe i should say first that she is Inidian, and she practice a particular religion within her community. So i think the norm is that the parents of a guy and a girl would talk to one another first. And if they approve, they will introduce their children to each other. And an engagement/wedding can soon follow. The entire process can take less than 6 months i think. and the couple can spend the majority of their relationship on the phone or via long-distance, before they decide to marry each other. Odd, i know, and risky. But i have to respect their religion. And truthfully marriage that root from free-will has a higher failure rate so who am I to judge?
But then it also made me think, that throughout this fellowship year, or even the year before that, or looking at the next year, the idea of 'marriage' almost never crossed my mind. It's not that i don't think about it, but i don't plan my life around it. To me it's sort of like a car accident, it will happen when it's supposed to happen, regardless the good effort you put it to encourage/prevent it. But then again, I am also wondering why i haven't felt that CALLING. Maybe you do have to set some time aside to think about being married one day, or to set some time a part to plan your life around it. So that other things don't take priority over marriage. Although i think it's somewhat of a bullsh*t idea, but i have to say that in the end i might be the person who is paying for my stubborness.
It's not that i don't go out and meet people, I do and i do that a lot. But you just get to a point where some nights you would prefer to stay in because you are just so sick of these unfruitful encouters, or meeting guys who you like who won't ask you out, or some divorcees who are VERY nice to you that you almost feel guilty about basing your judgement on the fact that he's not great looking and has childrean. It is SO HARD to meet someone who sort of fit that general list of criteria (notice i say GENERAL bc as single girls your'e not really allowed to be picky, or so i'm told).
And then some other lady who's on maternity leave brought in her twin babies. They were adorable and i had fun shaking hands with their chubby arms. But still i like playing with them, not so much having them myself. So apparently, not only have I not felt the marriage calling, i also do not feel very maternal at this point.
So what is wrong with me?
I would like to say nothing. but what if i end up paying for these life choices i make somewhere down the line? Like when i am 35 and single, i will think that I should have pushed myself EVEN MORE, and force myself to go out with people who i don't like as much, or should have asked a guy out MYSELF once or twice. I don't know.
I would like to think (and hope) that things like LOVE does not need to be planned. I am idealistic but i'm not unrealistic. I don't want or need to set 6 months of my life aside so i can focus on making the marriage thing happen. So far i think my strategy has really worked in my favor in terms of career development, but not so much in the dating department. I wonder why....
Of course, as previoiusly mentioned in my other posts, the single biggest bonus about being single is that you can move to wherever the heck it is, and not feel like you're leaving SOMETHIGN behind, or have regrets.
Speaking of the job hunting aspect...the reason why i am so chilled, is because the biggest news had happened for me approximately 3 weeks ago. I just can't disclose it right now. I wish i could. but i can't until have further confirmation. it's GOOD news. it's GREAT news actually. So i am not looking anymore. I just need to finalize a few things.
My sentiments toward my job has not changed...so you know that i'm not staying with my group. Further details will be provided...so just stay tune. but it's a life-changing decision i wish to share with everyone i care for/love. and I am really scared and excited at the same time...
No comments:
Post a Comment