today is the day i realized that we are not compatible

i must say this is not the first time. but today is the day i realize that we are not compatible. in ways more than one.

apparently when you like someone, you tend to build these fluffy thoughts around them. You think that you have the most interesting conversation with each other. You imagine that you have this connection with him when nobody else does. you imagine that he teases you because he actually likes you and wants to flirts with you. you imagine that when he doesn't talk to you he must think about you from time to time. you imagine that he worries about your well-being. you imagine that he remembers the things you tell him. The reality is, a lot of it is also all in your head. When you really think about it, when you were in deep-shit in the winter, he was nowhere to be found. when you hinted at needing recommendations for places to go in his town (when you can perfectly look this up yourself or ask someone else) he didn't really play along with it. when you texted him at the conference hoping that he'd want to meet for coffee, you got a non-no and non-yes because he was too 'busy'. When you hear him pass by your cube you want him to stop and let that be a sign that he likes you and it doesn't really happen unless it's about work-related thing. you stop your urge of dropping by to say hi 'just because' so that you can see how many days you can go without talking to each other and the # is FOUR because on the fifth day you have weekly 1 on 1 meetings with each other that are previously scheduled. you ask him how his weekend is or anything else for that matter and he discloses only very minimally about places he went and things he did. you think he might still be on-and-off with his gf because they still talk all the time and you suspect that he is seeing someone right now, or worse yet, could be gay, but that is never confirmed. you want him to sit next to you at work functions and he doesn't. he wonder if he would turn around and say hi to you and start talking to you and he doesn't. you're forced to act distant as well because you don't want people (or him) to tell that there is any sign of attachment/immaturity. And then you realize that you really are not all that compatible at all.

yes, he is cute and charming, and is somewhat successful becuase he's been at the right place at the right time. and he shares a similiar background in that he also immigrated later to the US and is still quite in touch with his heritage.

but then you realize that you are just the same, and perhaps even better. you are charming, and you are a warm person who cares about a lot of things and a lot of people. you speak more languages than this dude will ever have the brain capacity for, and you are perfectly clear about what you love and hate about work and who is real and who isn't. you never let anything at work take over your life or your sanity or affect your value system. you believe in being 'nice'. and you want justice to prevail. you work hard and you're continuously learning and you never give up. And you are landing one sweet job after another because you deserve it. you've seen more places in this world than he has in his 26 year of life. and you're a tough cookie who's moved many, many times, for work or school and you're still standing here. you've been extremely lucky and you too, have been at the right place at the right time. and you go out of your way to spend time and help people. your photos are of good food, fun time traveling, and great friends and close family members. whereas his pictures are mostly about his same 5 buddies who also have lived in the same area for the past 26 years. and drinking, and busty girls.

so you should no better that, you're not compatible with each other. so stop being/feeling sad/vulnerable. just full stop.

i really don't want to give a sh*t about him anymore.