[I PROMISE that i will be updating stuff about my very fun trip in Taiwan...in the next post? ;) ]
I have to admit that, since i got back, i have sort of been in a emotional funk. This usually happens right after i see my family and friends in taiwan. I still feel that i'm improving each day. But with the snow and the winter ahead...and not even my cali friends in sight, it's been a slow process.
Especially after the car accident on Friday, and the fact that i've been sort on house arrest over the weekend. Its a bit hard to picture myself here for the next 6 months, consecutively, because the holiday season is behind me.
Of course another part of me wants to think that i may only have 6 months left here on the east coast, i should really take the most advantage of it. And i know i tend to focus on the bad stuff. It's a fault in my personality. But it's hard not to. When you're in a emotional funk, it's hard to make yourself go to another Meetup event (it's a website that allows people with the same interest to get together and do fun outing stuff). Because i'm just so tired of having meet more and more people and try to impress them by being this fun and outgoing person. Although i do enjoy the new friendships that i've made, i dont think i'm in the position to show up when i am not emotionally 'well'.
This morning i almost fell on my ass on the way walking to my car because of all the slippery ice on the ground. I literally could hear my tendon make this weird sound before i finally stablized myself. I better have not torn my tendon...because that would seriously be another icing on the cake of 'winter misery". Of course following that, I still intended to go out and practice driving to the nearest coffee shop, so i proceeded to spend the next half an hour getting snow off my car. ughhhh. perhaps it really is time to get a local 'helper/bf' if anyway is willing to date me. :P So at least i dont' have to feel so intimated thinking about leaving the house in the morning. I still think the light and fluffy snow is really pretty. I just don't want to drive in it. and the fact that i got into an accident the FIRST day i was in the snow just totally sucked. It's casting a shadow on the rest of the season. I do feel that i got a little PTSD from it....just feeling myself losing control of the car. (tears)
I still sit next to this co-worker who although is not on my medical strategy team, is trying to always try to get INTO my team by having lunch with everyone around me, and by acting in agreement with them like a super big helper to everyone. At first i perceived him as a nice guy when i first started, but then i realized that he kept trying to get information out of me by understanind what i 'do' with medical strategy', and by saying that HE also does the same thing (to my face). And he's also beeing taking projects that my predecessor used to do (away from me). and by telling everyone taht he sees himself in the home office after he finishes his fellowships (he's a 2nd year). He has totally crossed the line by stepping over. So he along with some of the other fellows incomprehensible enthusiasm about the company used to annoy me to no end. Especially what they have exhibited during out recruitment in california, the amount of un-civility towards the bad candidates. I had to try REALLY, REALLY hard to maintain in my mind that i am doing the right thing and not be affected. So now that i'm back, i try to remind myself that the countdown has begun. i have exactly 6 months left, so please do not get attached to the negative people/things anymore.
Another aspect that i can think of is that, i have been connecting with a lot of people who may be a terrific professional contact. Since the re-structuring, i've lost my preceptor, who is a big supporter/advocate for me. And there also has been more work to go around. it really is an opportunity to showcase myself, like she had mentioned. If i really step it up during this time and show my value to the broader diabetes team, and enough people advocate for me, i may really have a chance to stay. I also have been in touch with this other woman who oversees the broader publication department over on the Global BMS side, who also appreciates the fact that i sit on US HQ, and wants to keep in touch with me because an opportunity can really open up in her division where they need someone on the US side to manage publication plans. Another person i have also been in contact with is this person who works for BMS in Hong Kong. I was referred to him by a physician who my German boss introduced to me who is on tour of duty in Singapore. Somehow that person passed my contact info on to the guy in HK. So we had a call last thursday. The conversation went SUPER well, and he mentioned that he will try to talk to the director in Taiwan to see if there are opportunities available. I guess i will find out soon enough. In any case, these are some of the lines of communication I have been working on. I would be really curious to find out what happens at the end of the year.
Lastly, and really quickly, about my love life (is there one?), i haven't been goin to that dance class because of my vacation and my bad moods. But if the snow isn't too bad next tuesday, i may actually go. Although i do somewhat realize now that if all my interaction with that dude is kept at light flirting and smiling and small talks, if he doesn't ask me out, the chances are NOTHING will ever come of it. and then there's this old flame who i had a 'puppy love' sort of relationship with a LONG time back in taiwan, who i saw and talked to when i went back this time. I can't believe that history still affects me so...i wish we can just get past it. The fact that we are both still single doesn't help either. because it always sounds like there is still something there, when the reality is i dont know where he stands, and he doesn't know where i stand, and we live half a globe away from each other. So when we do connect on msn messenger, we get back to old habits of chatting in a childish, flirty, and feisty ways. and HE (not me) says stuff like, 'that's why we are compatible with each other', or ' i only liked you in middle school'...etc. which totally messes with my mind. I dont think he realizes that i have changed a lot since middle school, i am scarily focused on what i want in life (this i think he knows), opinionated, pessimistic about men (he might know this), well-travelled (don't think he knows), easily annoyed, easily angered while driving (he might not realize). i just dont know if any guy with a normal ego can deal with that. and yes, i worry a lot. and i talk myself out of every possible relationship there is. So i tell myself everyday, since i got back, that it's dangerous to think you will end up with one person and one person only, who is your puppy love. it almost NEVER happens.
Ok. should really wrap up around now. before it gets too long and boring (probably already is). ;)
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