Prayer

Dear god,

Please give me the strength I need to feel better.

Please make me believe and go back to the happy and genuine and confident person I once was.

Please help me get through this.

I really need you to give me strength to hold on to faith, that I will find someone better and I deserve to be happy.

I would like to thank you also, for these things to happen timely.

If I must encounter someone hurtful to me in my life, I would rather experience it now, so that when I am exposed to new things at school I can quickly forget.

I also would like to thank you for making me realize how lucky I am to be able to share this painful experience with the family and friends who have been there for me. It could have been totally traumatic and heartbreaking but I am lucky to have my support system here with me, so I do not fall into the depressive stAte as last time.

I also would like to thank you for the second meeting I had with him which made me realize that it IS totally over and to help me give up hope. If it wasn't for that meeting I would still have dreams in my head thinking he's suffering from the breakup as much as I did and is actually a confused person who I can perhaps change and be with one day down the road. I realized that I was totally wrong. Yes everything he said that night hurt me deeply. But if it wasn't for those hurtful words I would not be ale to knock myself out of this situation.

And thank you for that phone call today. It's made me realize that he is still as selfish as I had thought him to be, having the nerves to ask me for recommendations and as a reference for his job hunt. He doesn't deserve my sincerity and help. And for him to think he can ask someone he's hurt deeply to do him this favor, once again shows how selfish he is as a person, who never once reflected. It's made me stop crying, and I think I've shed enough.

I want to continue to pray to you for the strength which I lack. I know I have doubted myself and you so many times because st times there really seems like there is little hope in life. The social pressure I feel and maybe the heartbreak is making it hard for me to see and feel. And reach out like I aways do. I have become numb and insensitive and selfish to the people around me. And I say cruel things and I only focus on my pain. I hate that about myself. And I want to break away from it.

Can you please teach me to be kind and hopeful again? Can you hold my hand through this? Can you help me realize how wonderful I am as a person again and stop worrying about trivial things in life like marriage, getting old, fitting in, career, and start focusing on getting better and being a better person and being happy for myself and everyone around me?

I am scared. There are so many uncertainty in life. I don't want to fear my fears anymore. But how can I accomplish that?

I really need you to help me let go and move on. Please god if you can offer me your hand and help me find the strength that's in me.

Please can oh also help me forgive, if you think that is the best way for me to move forward, for I have so much hate in my heart.

Can ou also help me forget. I want to forget about the good times and I want to forget the pain so that I can be trustful again.

Please help me god.

Will you feel better

I want to make myself feel better, I want to be better. And I need to feel better for the people around me to feel my presence for the last couple months while I am here. I want to stop crying whenever i think about it or talk about it. I want to come up with a game plan.

Running list:
French
Music (ukelele..?)
Gym (yoga, running, dance..)
Counseling
Focus on the positives
Stop worrying

And I want to tell myself, it's okay to take your time. It's okay to cry. Just try. Try a little everyday. At least youre trying. And you will feel better. In time.

Do you need to forgive someone in order to move on?

Do you?

I haven't figured it out. 

With my last major relationship, which ended also brutally and abruptly, I decided that I would never speak with my ex again and wish death upon him, or a least slaps across his face if I ever run into him. People tell me it takes a lot of effort to hate. And if I do still feel the anger, that means I never completely got over the person. 

I suppose I can see the rational. But my defense was that no it takes me almost no effort to hate. All I need to do is everytime I think of this person I wish unfortune upon him. I don't believe anyone should get away with hurting people with no consequences. Because you are dealing with human emotion, not a fish in the fishtank. People get hurt when you change your mind. I don't know if I will ever understand it from the other side of the table and if I ever want to. I know friends who are close to me also have tried dating people who they like less and who they have to end up hurting. I don't know if that could be a solution and I'm not sure if I am able to do that at all. It may be a curse and a blessing in disguise. On one hand I feel very high and mighty that I don't subject myself to something hurtful to other people ever in my life, and on one hand I almost secretly believe that this will put me on the receiving end of hurt for the rest of my life. Is it better to be a little cruel and selfish when it comes to love so you can at least try things out, or as people say, give someone the benefit of the doubt, then leave them once things don't work out? Then how is it diff from what I am going through right now? But if it helps with the pain...

So lately I read an article on controlling your obsessive thoughts, which really is a good read, after many good reads I've been subjecting myself to. It hits the nail on the head -- treat these thoughts with little to no interest, like you're watching the world to by in a coffee shop. I can't put it as eloquently, but basically the article is saying had we have these obsessive thoughts because we choose to associate feelings and interests with them, which fuel their existence and magnify them ten times more. Then pretty soon all you can RBI k about are these obsessive, negative thoughts. 

It is very true in my option. I give life to these thoughts. They come into my head and I feel sad and therefore I react to them by appearing sad and can't move on in life. 

However since the article, I have tried to look at these past memories, when they do come up, as things that happened to other people. I just watch it happens and unfolds, with no feelings at all. And it's true that the anxiety and the sadness and heartbreak that usually comes wont it, also do not last very long. 

This morning I was thinking that a little. The most precious memories that I have of these relationship, or more precisely, the moments when I felt like I had fallen for this person. And I have to say its hard to look at these events with no emotional attachment, but I tried. And at the same time I also remembered that retrospectively, I understood that at the time, he was still talking to his ex, at the time, he was still dating the girl who live on the same st as me, at the time, he was still weighing his options about doing a long distance relationship. He wasn't in it 100% as I was, to experience the romance. So he didn't fall hard, or in other words, he didn't like me enough. 

It was hard to enough to do the exercise up that far, because every memory was special to me in its own way. And I'm not jaded enough with life that I just take what people say with a grain of salt every time, and treat all men like liars. Maybe one day I will, but I have been a pretty genuine/gullible person up until now. So am I never to experience the joy of  falling in love? And I going to doubt the sincerity of the people around me? 

Its hard to let go but there is no other way than to just do it. I suppose kind of like the move the Etwrnal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You erase the memories, good and bad. They may be precious to you, but not to other people. When things end.

Last memorabilia

So a mini dilemma I have is that I have one last piece of something I have not returned of burned or gotten rid of from that guy. Stupidly enough it's a book on marketing which I feel too bad to burn, but also angry enough to not want to see him and return it to him.

I alter between two school of thoughts. Someone bad said to me that if its a book which I will actually use, I should keep it as a penalty from that asshole -- he owes me that much anyway.

Another advice I got was to simply ask my friend to return it to him, and buy a new one in my own. Why wild I want to keep anything from him as something which may lead to us seeing each other again? He clearly has been am insensitive ass and by keeping it it will allow me to retain that thread of hope that we will one day speak to each other again. If I have to see his notes I would get angry anyway. And it's not like I can't afford a new book. So why keep it?

I have to say that as much as I would like to lie to myself and say I should totally keep it as punishment, as a person I actually can see myself agree with number two more. I know if I keep it until December, he may one day contact me. And all if the preparation and healing that  doing might all go to waste. There is that shred of hope which shouldn't exist.

It makes me feel so stupid and angry at myself at the same time.

I've pretty much gotten rid of everything. Old pictures, his phone number, the perfume he gave me..

The two things which still prove my soft spots: his LINE account ( for some reason even afte you delete a persons number the account remains. You can block the person for ever but I haven't done it, so even though I don't have his number any more, technically I could reach him on LINE and could also probably call him on LINE, technically speaking, but I won't, because it's pathetic.). And then the book.

Am I too lenient on myself? And this is why I'm not snapping out of this like I should two months ago? What am I waiting for? What needs to happen before I can completely move on? Does it have to be December 31st? Is that too long for someone who's really hurt me and who I've only dated for a month or so?

Sometimes I wish I can be ten times tougher with relationship. Be a cold hearted bitch who's totally jaded with life. Or be a super lucky person who finds her true love immediately after the asshole.

Things to distract myself with part one

http://www.niusnews.com/index.php/main/view/275

Let's hope this link works.:-) since I'm doing updates on my phone and I can upload a picture.

Recently I've been doing a lot of updates on Facebook and Instagram, mostly using apps to crest collages and artsy pictures. This is no coincidence at all.:-)

Of course it's something that I've wishes I had more time to so when I was working full time. But now it's really turned into a full or at least part time interest. I find it very therapeutic. And mostly I create these images not for my own pleasure. It's really to help me become a different person.

I have been following the Instagram if my favorite Japanese model for some time now. And recently it's become more intense because I am feeling down. I like that I can look at another girl and wish I can be like that. I don't mean that I worship anyone or am trying to act like a groupie. Rather, I envy the kind of attitude she shows in her picture. Maybe I can't be 100% of what she is because I don't lead that kind of life style neither am I as outgoing and crazy as that as a person, but I envy that non chalant attitude she has and her crazy fashion style. She's so retro without trying hard, and she's not Fakey Fakey like most Asian models in TW magazines are. She is half British and half Japanese. She DJs as her job outside of modeling. She dresses between retro and rocker like all the time. And she just has that infectious coolness me as a nerdy girl really would like to be. I want to be as free spirited and happy looking 6 months from now.

So the positive thing is, because now I have my 'muse', I start to dress different which a lot of people noticed. I am wearin my make up like the 70s, with the winged eyeliner and bright red/neon pink lipstick, and I wear colorful, retro stuff. I dyed my hair probably five shades lighter, got my bangs cut. As a result of this break up I am actually looking better . How weird is that. What started as a simple way of getting back at someone (bc we work in the same office and I simply want him to regret), turned out to be one of my fashion forward moments in life...and I have friends left and right always giving old clothes to me which really allows me to go crazy and alter them into old fashioned shapes like high wasted or pencil skirts or big floweh t shirts to go with my retro style.

But I suppose like my sister said, too much or too big of a change may actually make people think I'm going crazy because of the break up. Well I suppose i know the difference. For one, I've really liked these models for years, just never had a good time to really be able to express myself freely. Because up til I turned 27 I was either in a lab or in a hospital doing science. And as soon as I graduated I joined a company which really doesn't allow me to look unprofessional. So this is really the only time in my life when I realize that one, I can finally freely express myself and be the elli-rose I could never be in the previous 30 years of my life and try these fun styles and two, I need to date more people to know what I want and what I don't want in a men and stop acting like the next guy could be the last guy. I need to be more cosmopolitan than that and stop putting all the men in one basket and act extremely cynical because of one bad shit. And thirdly, I do notice more attention from men since I've paid attention to the way I look. So I suppose this helps with point two and complements point one.

Anyway, I am really trying to enjoy this period of my life to just be who I secretly have always wanted to be. A pretty, artsy, free spirited, and happy girl. I don't want to stay sad forever. So if I continue to look at these pictures in which I smile happily, I will remember that and know I can be happy. And maybe one day my Instagram will start to look like the girls I follow. Doing lots of things in life, having the time of my life, and just enjoy the ride...

Another IT girl who I follow
http://www.siennaweb.com/

Helpful advice from my sister K

You have to forgive yourself.. Everybody runs into assholes and liars. It's not your fault. People with ulterior motives will come to you because they think you're pretty now and want to draw a bubble of the happy life you could have with each other. You can't let that get into your head. You are just a late bloomer. Pretty girls don't take that seriously because they are constantly surrounded by shady people who tell us that all the time. You spent the majority of your time studying really hard, and you're just starting to dress and look nice, you will run into more of these people. It's not your fault for believing this person because its your first encounter with such assholes. He put on a front. he made you beliece that he is courteous, different, sensitive to your needs, and brave enough to pursue you. Anyone would fall for that. You shouldnt feel like because your smart youre exempt from

his tricks somehow. You should feel lucky that, while most of us believe there are only shady people out there, you have been surrounded people who really love you and who you trust, who will never betray you, who created a safe environment for you. That's why you thought he was one of them when he's not. It's not your fault. 

Yes I understand its hard for you because while most of us maybe grew up having maternal instincts and wanting to be married since a little girl, that was not part of your life plan until this guy put the thoughts in your head a month before you turned 30, then burst that bubble on the day you turned 30. It sends you into a complete panic attack. Because you never had that dream, and then someone created it for you then ripped it apart. Your childhood memories were recalled, you may think you only want an Asian or TW husband now who can support you emotionally and also conveniently takes care of your parents, but what you're doing is closing the door on so many people. No one can have everything in life. You may run into someone who really loves you who's French, but who will treat you really well and love you with all his heart. You can't turn that person down because he doesn't fit your bubble. There should never be a bubble to begin with. You need to also realize that there may never be a person for you. But if you have no bubble, you will not be disappointed or make that person who only fits 60% of your criteria into your bubble, because he is not the one. 

I'm not saying you need to either that you need to wish death upon your ex, or be the bigger person and make them all your friends. There is some place in between. You treat them like a passerby on the street. You don't get jealous over their love life or get angry, you don't warm up to them in particular. You just don't care. I know that's hard but that's where you need to be. You don't want your mood to be influenced by these people. 

Incident and healing process

It's a healing process.
I happen to have a very good friend who's held my hand through this period and I've told her that ill document my thoughts as a way to let go.. Among many different things I'm trying (when this all ends I will be sure to write a book on the methodology I've used to get over a break up and move on with life, which hopefully will end with the final chapter on posting the link to Lilly Allen's music video "F$&@ you" and tagging the person's name with it)..
For some reason I feel that I'm already so much closer to that day...:-)

This all began three days ago when I had a panic attack in the car and subsequently the restaurant after having yo attend a company trip as an ex employee and was bombarded with news about that guy for a good 15 min with no way out of the car. So basically I was sitting in on a discussion bye old women about this guy who they are curious about who they found very good at a certain spirt and were totally impressed. I couldn't join the duscussion be even hearing his name was making me nauseated by I was just so deeply hurt by this asshole for the past four months and most recently 2 weeks ago. And in the past I used to get so amused when people talk talked about him and would subsequently tell him that on one of our dates as a joke. I think we both enjoyed the secrecy a little-- we were practically the only two young people of opposite sex who could date by we were both single (well, I didn't know he was mentally unavailable at the time) and were both somewhat above avg looking ( in a non conceited way by obviously he gets a lot of girls just like that, I'm a little lacking myself). But that all changed of course. So now I have to hear that and want to scream from my head that he is NOT a genuine athletic guy at all!! Yes it's true there is a reason when men of a certain age remain single at a certain age. I am fair and won't say he is a complete complete womanizer but he definitely likes his options because he lacks as strong of moral principle as I do.. And in his defense many guys don't have that kind of moral principles in today's world so as much as I hate his irresponsible behavior I won't tell him to go die. When someone is presented with so many options all the time and all women are accommodating to his behavior why would one want to change or self reflect? Maybe it IS easier to blend in with 85% the population.. On to that in mt future therapy posts.

So because I am such a nice and fair person I didn't scream all the horrible things to the ladies in the car. I also choose not to behave like all the people who do dislike him from his department who refuse to hang out with him. I could but I choose not to. Just not in my nature to destroy someone like that. Not worth it. I can be vengeful but gossiping is a petty way to get back at someone.. Again there will be another chapter on revenge...;-)

So basically I let them have that pleasant talk in the car. And because I was really tired from the hike In the morning (he was not part of the outing fortunately), and was still hurt from that event seven days ago, as soon as we got to the seafood restaurant I went in the bathroom and threw up. More like gagging because I didn't have breakfast. But that reaction was so intense I thought I was going to pass out in the bathroom of a really smelly but I guess famous seafood joint in jilong.

When I returned to the table I acted like I was having a heat stroke and ate very little. Fortunately nobody suspected otherwise. Then of course under my panic attack I asked my friend if I could speak to her when I got home.

Long story short, So now my best friend and I have decided that I would check in with her daily for 15 min just to see how I feel and develop this habit of being able to channel my feelings and park them until our conversation. She's also extremely good at directing my thoughts to make it more about myself and less about the guy.

One of the things that really upset me from the Saturday conversation was that he mentioned different girls constantly, exactly what made me decide I would rather not be with him. It made me feel like a friggin idiot Being the last person on earth who WOULD care about his well being and had that three hour dinner with him three months ago hoping he would actually listen to my advice and be the perso he claims he can be --focused on his career and not women all the time. What a fucking waste of time because apparently that's still all he thinks about. Even if he didn't do it intentionally I felt his constant mentioning of women made me feel like friendship is even impossible which is why I had the meltdown the following day and this time it really is broken..yes it's true he may know now that I'm still not over him but heck who cares if we should ever speak to each other ever again.

And yes, I was also sick to my stomach because I realize at the same moment when I was suffering from this breakup he is already in the bed of that ex girlfriend slash married woman from mainland china. That made me feel like double shit and double the idiot.

So as my friend pointed out bluntly yesterday --he probably forgot all about you already. Lets focus on you and not this jerk anymore.

So yes, I will write a little everyday about why this is not a very opportune time for me to have a heart break this year ..turning 30, having to attend a million weddings and baby showers, living in Asia, having to leave work and go to MBA and hence currently unemployed with limited exposure to new guys, having to leave my parents again...

Stressors compounded with heartbreak. I think that's the reason why I'm taking it so hard with this jackass.

Day 7

Day 7: getting out, trying new places, meeting new people, fluctuating between good and absolutely horrible moods. Sometimes I think I need a pill to get over it, sometimes I think I am extremely fortunate to have someone close to hold my hand through it all. It sounds cliche but true: I thought you were different. But you are just like any bloke I meet out there. I was treating you with true feelings, but I don't get the same in return. It makes all that's happened a joke to me. Because I can almost see you standing in a bar at the same time as I type this, moving on, finding a new prey to be your steady, long term girlfriend and potential wife in the next six months. Do I still still want to be that girl? I don't think so. I am now realizing, you still want the fun. You tread on hearts. You claim you want to settle down, but you just want options. Well, I do too. I like the option of not being with you. So now I am going to treat you like I treat everybody else in a bar. Small talks. Fun, outgoing chats. Pay for my drinks if you insist. Call me back, or don't. I don't care. Lets just call the night for whatever it's worth. Drop by, hangout, meet up... And soon enough, there will be no evidence of love left. We both just let it go.

Therapy post

My running list Someone I love who loves me back Not selfish Brave Ambitious Altruistic These will be the qualities I look for in a marriage partner.. In that order. Due to recent events, it's made my priorities super straight. In fact, I don't even think I have seen things this clear before. I used to have a running list that would rate everything equally, or at least i would know what it is that I DON'T want. But that process of elimination has not worked so well I think. Probably more importantly, I need to know what i DO want, in order to move on with life quickly. The thing is, I just hung out again with that guy last night and here are the conclusions I finally came to in my head: 1. The attraction I have for him is purely physical. It's still there, and that's why it's hard for me despite the very non considerate things he's done.. But I am coming out of it. But being perfectly honest, I AM attracted to him and seeing him does make it harder. 2. He is a man boy who doesn't know what he wants. 3. He is insecure about himself. 4. He is pretty selfish. Another sign of immaturity. 5. He is a broken man, which makes him selfish and insecure. And even though I have been broken too, but I have not lost that faith and hope in life and relationships. Oh trust ime I have doubted myself and the life choices i made, but in the end I decided that i need to hold on to my faith. Otherwise i would be just as broken as everyone else who I despise, and frankly, i wouldn't be who i am anymore. 6. He doesn't love me. Not that he doesn't like me, but he doesn't love me. This is truly impossible to find now when people put their own needs always above everything else. It makes you selfish (again), and you assess all the partners as, well, options you could have. As Bridget Joned said, I can't be with someone who's not quite sure. I'm still looking for something, more extraordinary than that. Clip: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-f_JF42477h2mY/bridget_joness_diary_2001_bridget_dumps_daniel_again_part_2/ I only pray to god that since I have verbally agreed to be friends, that I will never be tempted, never doubt myself, and never want to go back, even just for a moment. And I will need all the courage i have.