i suppose i am disappointment in myself a little bit.
the dick sand (metaphorically)
the flip side is i learned that i am more resilient than i thought.
tracing back a little - on my birthday this year i was thinking, hm i've made no progress to try to meet men since March because A)i started having a ton of visitors in town and B)work picked up at rocket speed and C)my ego was a little bruised by the last guy i met online which ended this whole "online dating is pretty fun because i dont have hard feelings for these almost-strangers". I didn't feel like a loser, i just recognized it as a fact that i've made no attempt from March - June. I also hated the fact that i used to have my birthday in summer and since i've relocated to the southern hemisphere, days surrounding my birthday/week/month were particularly gloomy, and rainy, and stormy. But i still didn't know what lies ahead in terms of dating.
Then, the fateful dinner in July, began this probably regretful encounter i had with the guy i last blogged about. This dude who i had these wonderful, fun dates with, who loved to behave as if we were actually dating, who never attempted any physical intimacy (which didn't bother me much since i'm an old soul, but was a bit odd according my friends and the rest of the world). We just continued to hang out, went to these nice places, he insisted on paying, giving me his jacket, coming to my dragon boat training, offering me his jacket, peeled my shrimps (i didn't ask for it he just did it because i made a side comment), helping me move twice, walking me home....but he never said anything. WHY? i have NO IDEA. i became miserable from july - Oct cycling between emotions like: excited to see him, waiting for his text, disappointed that he was awful with texts to the point it felt like breadcrumbing, excited again, angry at myself, confused as to why he never said anything, doubting if i was too conservative and maybe i should go against my nature and throw myself at him by saying something suggestive (fortunately didn't bc i still believe if a guy can't work up his courage, he's not that into you or he's always had it easy which i hope he continues - with other girls), then finally giving up on this altogether by sticking to the principle of: not initiating any text, responding with statements only, being short and courteous with my response since if we are not making plans to meet, there's no point in having a pen pal in the same city. So ultimately we stopped talking. which was a real joy to me because i can finally stopped to obsessively check my chatting app like a teenage girl. i came so close to going back to a flip phone. i decided that i missed going on those dates with him that HE initiated, but if he doesn't invest continuously, for the sake of my mental health i better move the F on.
Funnily enough, my friend who was very enthusiastic about setting me up with her friend, organized a weekend trip to the wine region. her friend came along, who is a 45 year old widower who lost his wife to cancer. i know, awww was my first response. But i was pretty pissed still on the trip because that was the end of my thing with the previous guy and i was plenty mad at myself for being a fool. So although the trip was fun and i checked off a few more bucket list items, i could feel myself sulking around the wonderful Airbnb. often reading on the patio or away from the loud drinking games just looking at the lights in the distance. I should also add that at the time i also wasn't sure if i should continue to seek opportunities in Australia, because with the changed visa policy there would be no pathway to staying permanently, so all the friendship i've built, could also very well be left behind in a few years. and i'm not one for fake marriages and trick some poor australian soul into marrying me. so i was uber sad generally (will talk about that in a separate post, and no, i'm not leaving anymore).
Maybe it was my oddness or something i said or the fact that i finally had a chance to cook for lots of people twice (because it makes me happy), i caught the attention of the 45 year old. After the trip he then would spend a lot of time hanging with us girls whenever there's a gathering. He held two parties at his place (more like a legitimate house which he owns), was a kick ass cook (menu included matcha fondant cake and home made LAKSA), and i felt that he'd remember every comment i made for some reason. then he started talking to me in private, asked to hang out 1:1, and then organized a trip for me and two of the girls so he could drive us to the mountains for a day trip. So of course being a reasonable individual i did start to get curious about this guy and finally liked him a little. i felt that he was mature, quite funny, and i truly enjoyed our banter at the end of a workday/biz trip (we both travel a lot).
As one might think, maybe things happen for a reason, and maybe i would actually meet someone decent this time, THIS happened:
We were planning for the said day trip he proposed. My first query was if he wanted to take me, why did he ask me to nominate two good friends in our group? okay, maybe he's shy or doesn't want to take things too seriously too fast. That i didn't mind. But of course when he reached out to those people, not everyone likes HIKING, so the other ladies proposed that we go for a day drive, in the complete opposite direction, and eat along the way. the other idea someone proposed is for him to drive some 3 hours away (each way) to a cave. I had to jump into the group chat in the end to map out a route that wouldn't kill him, knowing his male ego might suck it up and do it anyway. was a bit annoyed, but i got over it.
then here's the killer. Throughout the day i had this incredible urge of jumping out of the car and rolling onto the freeway so i could escape the conversation. While chatting he's shared everything from a intraoffice dating exp (he dated one of his direct reports), to getting a facial from an ex (TMI) to having dated lots of Chinese girls (when i joked that he could date chinese speaking ladies to improve Chinese and that was his response), to finally sharing an anecdote about feeling up someone's fake boobs (because he's never touched fake boobs) before a one night stand when all we asked for was a pick up line he's tried. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?! if someone could take a picture of my face in the back seat, i must have this o___o expression. is he fucking bipolar? was he a slut before or after his dead wife? okay, maybe i'm going a little far because there's lots of promiscuity in this world now, but WTF? what happened to that sweet mature sensitive widower who texts me witty jokes and speaks in a well mannered posh accent that i often give him a hard time about? did that person just die and go to heaven? did i just imagine every conversation i ever had with this guy? did i make the mistake of liking someone too fast again? I thought i'm already taking my time to see if investment = how much someone might like you.
Then he had the frigging guts to continue to tell me the story about when he was grilled by the friend who introduced us if he liked anyone in particular, that he said he was just enjoying getting to know everyone. he would do this with a guy friend of ours too. and throughout the trip he would always find chance to talk to me alone to refer to our inside jokes online and he thought i'd be overjoyed to hear this? So why didn't you share an ice cream with that guy after the dinner date? why did i waste those three hours hanging with you when i could be home taking a nap? I even sarcastically told him that i 'preserved' his reputation when he called me the other night when i was with the ladies that it was nothing, so they wouldn't suspect that we've been hanging out and he could continue to be popular within the group.
anyway....since that incident i've walked the harbour next to my house everytime i recalled it and got very angry with my naivity. either i got it all wrong, or there's a lot of men in this world who are just confused little shits regardless of their age. but i was mostly mad at myself, for deciding to 'like' someone. when the 45 year old texted me a few days later, my responses were rather cold and sarcastic. he pressed to get anecdotes from me, saying i'm like a box, full of mystery. i mean PUH-LEASEEEEE, i'm an open book to most people i know. i just dont have any story that can top the fake boob grabbing one night stand story (and i said that too). and i shared the bitchiest two stories and said sharing is caring until someone overshares. I think he gets the point now (whipping sound).
i'm beginning to think i better commence my autobiography soon otherwise that chapter on dating will explode and take over 90% of the book. mostly about weirdos. Just when i thought i could get over the 11 year age difference....:////////
so going back to my first point. i am really hoping to get away to the mountains for a few days during the holidays. i can't hide my disappointment because apparently my mom doesn't think i know how to date and most people i know either think i am a workaholic or have high standards. the finger pointing never stops. When the romantic in me jumps in, without trying to bring my baggage to new people i meet, and act funny and charming with clever comebacks, it still can't beat floozies w a pair of fake boobs who gets a kiss (and then some) on the first night. OK, OK, i do know that i'm so much better than the guy and those silicon implants. but the fact that i nearly fell for someone who confused me with bimbos who he beds easily still makes me angry (at myself). i should have known better and have ZERO expectations....but for how long?
i know i'm resilient and it's not fair for the next person who i hope exists somewhere to get the worst version of me, so i will bounce back like JLo. i say this every year, but in 2018 i will be good/strong/happy again. :)
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