Recent stressors

I thought i would do a quick post about the changes in my life lately:

- coming out of the rotational program - host manager just left the company, effective immediately (this is someone who i trusted a whole lot with my development and personal issues as i moved here by myself and now in the middle of the job hunt, didn't get to say goodbye)
- Home office manager is also leaving. this is the same guy who fired my boss one year ago, who for some reason doesn't like me. So basically i have no role to go back to.
- Host country (Australia) doesn't have the headcount to keep me
- Australia in general has just changed its working visa policy, pushing skilled people out (you can renew your visa onshore once, with no pathway to permanent residency). So basically if i want to stay, i would have to leave in approximately 6 years.
- I have to work in the nominated profession on my visa (so even though i've done other medical jobs before, i am restricted to marketing which has zero opening due to the economy)
- if i changed employer, i close off the last possibility forever which will allow me to try permanent residency via a different pathway
- the guy i liked/dated for 3 months, isn't that invested
- i am pretty sure that i won't go back to Singapore or New Jersey or China

So in my dad's words - the answer is pretty clear.

I have 3 months left, then i will go somewhere to put my roots down. And that somewhere is going to be the US.

I suppose sometimes you just kind of accept things as they are, when all signs point to one direction, that is it is time.

Mentally i definitely feel quite exhausted having moved around so much on my own. a new country and a new role every 18 months. I suppose when i first joined the industry bye moving from california to new jersey i never thought my life/career would go down such dramatic path. Then one thing after another, i became a nomad. It was absolutely kick-ass hard, every single year, and i was SO scared, when i had to assume roles i had no experience in, because of organizational restructure, but i stuck with it, and made a difference, then moved on when i was about to go insane. I had to travel alone in countries, sometimes developed sometimes in development. I had to influence people who were much more senior/cynical/skeptical/hostile than me to show my value in the organization. I had to influence down so that the local people trust me and will work with me (and sometimes become great friends with them). I have done it all. At the end of the day, i dont regret any part of it. I really pushed myself, from hospitals in china/south east asia to the offices in Singapore, Tokyo, New Jersey...i gave it my all. I know my work led to better study outcomes/medical practices/disease awareness/integration of digital technology/successful business performance....and i met some great people/customers along the way. I tried all kinds of delicacies in Asia and traveled far and wide. I know i cared, i wasn't just here for a temporary stunt before i go back to my cushion-y seat in the western country, i pushed myself to use my bilingual ability to HELP and often got stuck between the expats who had an agenda, and what really matters to the local people.

I have no regrets.

I just feel a little bit sad to leave this behind.

If you asked me if i am ready to go back to the US, the answer is probably no. I enjoy being immersed in different cultures, and using my US exposure to excel, to influence, and vice versa using my Asian background to connect with people, to help them say what they want to say. I feel a sense of purpose when i represent Asia in the most corporate-y meetings.

But i need to put my roots down somewhere. Mentally i feel very tired, having to do this by myself. every international move, saying goodbyes, finding a place to live, signing contracts, setting up utilities,  learning a new job, finding my way around the city, finding friends who i click with (not just for cocktails), finding someone who likes me enough to be with me, traveling for work, traveling home to see my parents/friends, finding a permanent role to transition into, applying for external jobs, speaking with immigration agent....i'm burnt out.

I need to take care of myself for a while.

I need to maybe first take care of myself and my mental health.

Like my sister said, what feels too hard is probably not meant to be.

If i went back to the US, i will be able to live like a normal person again. I can rent, or even think about buying, i can invest in nice stuff in the house (and stop bumming from temporary housing to temporary housing using the landlords crap or buy really cheap things or having to donate things away), i can have a pug (which i love), I can buy herbs/plants for my balcony that won't die, i can use all my vacation days to visit NEW places i haven't been instead of making my annual trips back home and still feel guilty/sad as hell when i leave, i can build my career in one country because that's what most people will challenge you with (most organizations still don't care about your international/cross functional profile because the hiring manager/team has not done it so they need someone NOW for one very specific job), i can meet men who are also stable and part of the society (not expats with questionable moral issues), i can meet men who may or may not want to be serious but at least i won't feel the time pressure that i might leave and if they want to take their time - fine, get back in line - but for the serious ones, we can have a future, i can build long term friendship without having to say goodbye....

So yes, that would a good decision, at the end of the day. I never thought this day would come so fast, but neither did i think i would move back to asia in a whim 7 years ago.

It probably will be hard initially, starting over in a new city, but i have my best friends there. and i love san fran. it will be okay. I might miss the people i've met here and have grown close to. but i wont have to do this again, for a while.

It will be okay in the end.