the last thing i said to you/saw you/the last time we touched

I have extremely good photographic memories...or any kind of memory visual or non-visual.

And then over the years i realized it's a really bad thing in dating. I remember what i wear to meet a guy for the first time, every conversation we've ever had, the sweetness in the beginning, and every red flags i begin to notice, and then the hurtful words/actions in the end. And then the last time we see each other, because in my mind i know i need to dis-engage before i completely lose my confidence in myself. So they never know when that might be, but i know, and i get ready for it.

and then i go through this phase of wishing i have the machine from The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I force myself to forget certain things. Life gets busy, life always gets busy. I usually at some point will get a chance to re-locate for work/school and because at that time i always happen to be single because i just met the most selfish guy in the world who i peeled myself away from, i would take the opportunity and leave the bad memories behind.

So i develop a system to help me get over heartbreaks, like blogging, like forcing myself to throw away memorabilia, like re-visiting places we've been together with a new friend/family/guy so i won't feel that emotional about that spot anymore, like shutting down memories from a certain period of my life (what i call collateral memories, and i almost forget everything from that period, until start to feel better again then i will start recalling things for the first time)....

it is never easy.

And then i remember, from time to time, the last time we saw each other.

With NO, it was in Tokyo in my hotel room, when i told him, out of the blue after a very good day trip, that this is it. you have led me on for too long without any sign of commitment, i hope you are well, but i dont want to like you anymore. that was the last time we saw each other. And then i felt this cold shiever when he left, i can still remember that room in Keio Hotel. I knew i would never see him again. But I slept well for the first time in a really long time. and then that was the last time i was in Japan.

With A, it was at his place after dinner. I thought we could stay friends, so we hung out for the first time after i told him that we would be friends. And what he said at dinner completely validated my assumption that he is and will forever be a immoral, selfish, male skank. So i asked him why we should even be friends at all? there's nothing i could ever want from him, and he's already done so much damage to my ego. So when i got off the taxi, i knew it was the last time i'd see him. But i was better off because of it. I cried the whole night. for myself, feeling angry and sad for myself at the same time.

Then AR from my MBA. when he came over to my place and found out i accepted a job offer from my dream job, immediately he said he doesn't see a future. he didn't want to work in Asia anymore. So that was it. when i was leaving France for good, he almost never came to say goodbye. and he never contacted me again. and i still held one ounce of hope that he'd come to grad trip and said he was sorry. He never showed.

Then R...

Then D...

Then what's his face...

Then AC. the last time we saw each other. the last word i sad to him.

The funny thing is, i also still remember how we first met. all of them. It was always so endearing. Sometimes there's initial attraction sometimes there isn't, but i grow to like them because of their uniqueness. And i never acted needy, always kept my fun and cool...

I would remember walking up and down the Huanpu river at night feeling like magic with someone who i was intensely attracted to. oh he moved all over the world and spoke multiple languages and felt like a nomad and a fun and caring free spirit...just like me.

I would remember the first time A and i had a date and we ran into a colleague and i literally was hiding behind him.

I remember when i couldn't find my family, AR would ride me up and down the streets of the little french town to find them.

I remember on my first date with AC, he was a blabbering idiot, but was so anxious to show me everything and anything about Sydney...

then there comes the turning point when everything is different.

Luckily, i've learned that if someone starts to make me lose a lot of sleep/weight, and cry when i am by myself, he's not the right person. so now i move on. And my heart stays open for the next person, then the next one..

We've all been hurt, i think you can be proactive about it and get smarter. But some of these men, they just change. they change to be selfish, hurtful, inconsistent, flakey, cold. I know they will end up with someone who schemes to attract them. if you played games, then expect to be played. i have zero regret about not ending up with them. i actually feel a lot of pity for the women who became 'the one' for them. and for these men too. i'm sorry but you are in for a wild ride. People don't change. I dont think any social pressure about marriage or kids will tempt me enough to want to go back to these men.

I do still get sad about how it went down. sometimes i get really depressed. and i wish they were still that genuine and nice person who i have chemistry with.

so the last thing i said to AC was, 'Wow your friend is super talented! :) i'm glad it was so fun!"

this is after 3 months of breadcrumbing me. i think i deserve better. it is just hard to believe that this is the same person who was spastically nervous when we met for brunch. the weekend i decided to move on, 3 guys approached me within a period of 24 hours. So i know i am not complete shit. i really need to move pass this. and maybe, leave again. maybe it's time to go home now. Thank you for making it easy for me AC, like all other men.

maybe it's a blessing in disguise from God. when i settle down, the right person will be there. after my 7 years of adventure all over the world. I'm not jaded.