the last thing i said to you/saw you/the last time we touched

I have extremely good photographic memories...or any kind of memory visual or non-visual.

And then over the years i realized it's a really bad thing in dating. I remember what i wear to meet a guy for the first time, every conversation we've ever had, the sweetness in the beginning, and every red flags i begin to notice, and then the hurtful words/actions in the end. And then the last time we see each other, because in my mind i know i need to dis-engage before i completely lose my confidence in myself. So they never know when that might be, but i know, and i get ready for it.

and then i go through this phase of wishing i have the machine from The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I force myself to forget certain things. Life gets busy, life always gets busy. I usually at some point will get a chance to re-locate for work/school and because at that time i always happen to be single because i just met the most selfish guy in the world who i peeled myself away from, i would take the opportunity and leave the bad memories behind.

So i develop a system to help me get over heartbreaks, like blogging, like forcing myself to throw away memorabilia, like re-visiting places we've been together with a new friend/family/guy so i won't feel that emotional about that spot anymore, like shutting down memories from a certain period of my life (what i call collateral memories, and i almost forget everything from that period, until start to feel better again then i will start recalling things for the first time)....

it is never easy.

And then i remember, from time to time, the last time we saw each other.

With NO, it was in Tokyo in my hotel room, when i told him, out of the blue after a very good day trip, that this is it. you have led me on for too long without any sign of commitment, i hope you are well, but i dont want to like you anymore. that was the last time we saw each other. And then i felt this cold shiever when he left, i can still remember that room in Keio Hotel. I knew i would never see him again. But I slept well for the first time in a really long time. and then that was the last time i was in Japan.

With A, it was at his place after dinner. I thought we could stay friends, so we hung out for the first time after i told him that we would be friends. And what he said at dinner completely validated my assumption that he is and will forever be a immoral, selfish, male skank. So i asked him why we should even be friends at all? there's nothing i could ever want from him, and he's already done so much damage to my ego. So when i got off the taxi, i knew it was the last time i'd see him. But i was better off because of it. I cried the whole night. for myself, feeling angry and sad for myself at the same time.

Then AR from my MBA. when he came over to my place and found out i accepted a job offer from my dream job, immediately he said he doesn't see a future. he didn't want to work in Asia anymore. So that was it. when i was leaving France for good, he almost never came to say goodbye. and he never contacted me again. and i still held one ounce of hope that he'd come to grad trip and said he was sorry. He never showed.

Then R...

Then D...

Then what's his face...

Then AC. the last time we saw each other. the last word i sad to him.

The funny thing is, i also still remember how we first met. all of them. It was always so endearing. Sometimes there's initial attraction sometimes there isn't, but i grow to like them because of their uniqueness. And i never acted needy, always kept my fun and cool...

I would remember walking up and down the Huanpu river at night feeling like magic with someone who i was intensely attracted to. oh he moved all over the world and spoke multiple languages and felt like a nomad and a fun and caring free spirit...just like me.

I would remember the first time A and i had a date and we ran into a colleague and i literally was hiding behind him.

I remember when i couldn't find my family, AR would ride me up and down the streets of the little french town to find them.

I remember on my first date with AC, he was a blabbering idiot, but was so anxious to show me everything and anything about Sydney...

then there comes the turning point when everything is different.

Luckily, i've learned that if someone starts to make me lose a lot of sleep/weight, and cry when i am by myself, he's not the right person. so now i move on. And my heart stays open for the next person, then the next one..

We've all been hurt, i think you can be proactive about it and get smarter. But some of these men, they just change. they change to be selfish, hurtful, inconsistent, flakey, cold. I know they will end up with someone who schemes to attract them. if you played games, then expect to be played. i have zero regret about not ending up with them. i actually feel a lot of pity for the women who became 'the one' for them. and for these men too. i'm sorry but you are in for a wild ride. People don't change. I dont think any social pressure about marriage or kids will tempt me enough to want to go back to these men.

I do still get sad about how it went down. sometimes i get really depressed. and i wish they were still that genuine and nice person who i have chemistry with.

so the last thing i said to AC was, 'Wow your friend is super talented! :) i'm glad it was so fun!"

this is after 3 months of breadcrumbing me. i think i deserve better. it is just hard to believe that this is the same person who was spastically nervous when we met for brunch. the weekend i decided to move on, 3 guys approached me within a period of 24 hours. So i know i am not complete shit. i really need to move pass this. and maybe, leave again. maybe it's time to go home now. Thank you for making it easy for me AC, like all other men.

maybe it's a blessing in disguise from God. when i settle down, the right person will be there. after my 7 years of adventure all over the world. I'm not jaded.

It's never too late to learn

To deal with disappointments in dating.

I am 34, not 44, or 54, and even at that point in my life i never want my age to be a reason why i settle for bad behaviors from selfish people.

Given the recent disappointment with this guy who i dated for 2 months (shall debrief in a separate post...since it has been two years and there are lots i can blog about my not-so-dreamy dates...i have fallen many times and picked myself back up...until i fall again... so no, i used to think i could start writing that first chapter of my "this is how we met", online, at a mutual friend's dinner, at a company overseas meeting....i no longer feel that way until i'm sure something is gonna last. Otherwise, I would keep tearing out those pages. It kind of doesn't matter how you 'meet cute' or how much coincident there is between us or how interesting that person's profile is, if he's not sticking around, there is zero point to create those thought bubbles.

(I should preface that with - i am NOT a clingy girl, i send fun texts probably 2-3 times a day at most if we are not in a relationship (result of a hard lesson), love my career and have lots of interests, don't get competitive, care about the way i look and dress in my own style not overtly sexy....so no, i'm not blogging as someone who is trying to trap a guy by deligently scheming.)

I'm going out for dinner at this eclectic restaurant in Sydney followed by a night out with live music, so i will keep this one short. :)

I thought to get back to blogging because it is therapeutic. And this year i kind of need it.

I will elaborate more about why i am claiming that i want to start learning about the art of dating/attraction now. but in a nutshell, it was inspired by the fact that i realized all these painful lessons weren't categorized smartly, or i lack a 'system'. As my sister said, i have a system for everything, how to interview, how to perform at work, at school, socially...these are situations where i am super logic and have worked out a way to excel. But with dating i go very black and white. you can blame it on those years of NOT dating because no guys were interested in me and i was perfectly happy in my nerdy imaginitive nerd as a science student, and had depression/anxiety disorder from my first ever relationship. so when i started to look better and become interesting and attractive in my late 20s and early 30s after i've finished ALL of my degrees and entered working life -- a string of broken heart -- from me. :(

So i was going on and on about this guy who again, chased me and appeared to be sincere, only to now treat me with mixed messages that i will not tolerate and felt insulting (because he probably is simultaneously doing to other women and he's realized that now i am receptive to his tactic), i had strong desire to and send messages or talk to him face to face to tell him to stop or spill how i feel. Wouldn't he know that i have been super fun and not clingy and the same person since date #1? the only difference is that now i think we could be good friends anyway, i do propose things/plans (not frequently) and i do appear friendlier without my guard on, and he actually pulls away, which leads me to believe, he like the other men i've met , actually like it better when i turned back into a bitch out of disinterest/anger...these men are hopeless. and i just move on.

What i probably should adopt as a mindset, is how do i treat this as other aspects of my life? the perfect example is that i am interviewing like crazy right now, trying to be 20% better than i actually am as a candidate, so at least you can secure offers and have options. and then you turn down the options that are not so good for you. Isn't this the same with dating? Not saying you pretend to be someone who you're not, but could i appear to be more attractive to more men? instead of always thinking i just need to attract that unicorn, who may or may not exist. then with the men who seem to be into games or superficial attributes, they won't be the offer i take in the end. and at some point i will do it so naturally that i won't even bother with them, only maybe give them a taste of their own medicine ;)

So is it too late to start? how do i start?

1. Identify the lessons i've learned from each dating experience. what i could have done differently (not in a self-harming way but just analyze the situation). it may very well be that they have poor taste (and they usually do, as i would find out one guy had dated a married woman and had the guts to justify it, or the other, like girls who are bad/sexy/have tattoos). so erm, what is it about me that they think would match those poor taste of theirs? gross. but okay, for the sake of argument, even though now i know they are pure shit who have shitty tastes, how would i keep the attraction of these men? I wouldn't say sex, because i didn't even consider it, but they did keep coming back to me (which the naive me thought they must really like me and want to be 'good'. oh mistakes you make when you're young....). so yeah, how do you keep their level of attraction as practice?
p.s. i was actually quite proud of the fact that we dated exclusively as long as we dated without me throwing myself and lowering my standards, so even though they proceeded to date other skanks/knocked up girls, i never had to lower myself to that extent just to be with someone. ;) one point for this ex-nerd.

2. Learn from people. I learn from my sister a lot because areas that i'm weak in (only in dating), she is very logical and is the angel/devil on my shoulder that tells me to do the right thing without selling myself short or wasting my energy, but still snap out of the bad shit.

3. What else can i learn from? Fortunately, on YouTube, there are so many dating coaches with very sound advice. So yes, that's helped me learned lessons like, how to move on from liking someone, signs you should/should not be with a guy...etc. I am also now reading a program by this particular dating coach, Matthew Hussey. Again his tips are always how the point, never petty, never scheming, about raising your self worth and being smart about identifying signs (good or bad), appear more attractive via text (i am 80% but can get better), deal with dissapointments and move on...basically healthy mindset i can have while navigating the world of modern dating. So i will commit to reading at least one chapter a day before going to bed.

4. Practice. Practice the theories and lessons learned on the future guys i meet, or on this one who i am ready to never see again.

It's never too late to start. :) Be sweet with your words, but ruthless in your action. :)