tiredness in my brain

this week is really the crunch time for GMAT. my brain is tired from the intense class and homework schedule for a week, on top of full time working and business travels, and trying to keep everything a secret. i am taking in 4 days and yet i feel like since Sunday night my brain just sort of shut off. i could not read another argumentative passage or draw another ratio pie to solve for x and y. Thank god i grew up in asia so the geometry isn't that big of a problem. But yes, the data sufficiency questions make me want to scream. I have so much to lose if i do horrible. that makes me freak out too. maybe that's why i have been getting this headache. Basically work already knows that i am departing in 6 months (i secretly suspect that when they say they are trying to link me up with things i would like, they tricked me into saying my timeline). at this point, they've pretty much given up on me and are probalby looking for my replacements. it's like i'm already one foot out the door. so i need to do REALLY well on this exam. i also need to write some kick-ass essays. which is hard because like i said, i dont have anything too stellar to write about because i do medical things that take a long time to execute (publications can take up to a year to create and publish, posters/oral presentations are only one aspect of a medical congress), there's usually no big 'conflicts' i must resolve with my team-members (because i tend to be the only person who is the subject matter expert), i do have difficult 'customers' to deal with ie. the doctors and marketing colleagues who don't give a crap about publications because they just do ghost writing in China. ughh. the more i think about it, the more i feel my essays will sound like a pile of crap. it won't be anything like their other candidates, "achieved 170% growth in sales in one fiscal year" or "as the operational lead for two multi-national corporations' merger/acquisition". I mean, i would like to get to that point, but right now i am a big nerd. and i need to have people write kick-ass recommendations for me. darn. i think i better have a plan B. OR, if everything works like i expected, my next post can be named -- A YEAR IN XXXXX (city TBD). sigh.

My next move

My brain feels really tired from recent major decisions i have made. To make long story short, i have decided that i would pursue an MBA as my next step. Reasons: 1. I have realized that my specialization is perhaps too specialized. As much as i liked the art and the skills i have aquired from working on the pharma side to produce scientific publications, i have also realized the limitations of having this as a career for the rest of my life. 2. if i don't challenge myself now and make yet another drastic switch in my career, i will probably never do it. the opportunity cost is just less when i do it now vs. when i have a family or when i'm more senior in my career. 3. I wanted to try my chances with pharmaceutical marketing, business development and strategic planning, which are difficult to enter as a medical professional with zero sales experience. even though i think i could be really good at these things, it is hard to argue that my skills are trasferrable. Hold backs/concerns: 1. People at work who are nay-sayers. I am being told that an MBA is NOT required, and their hidden message is that i will regret it. or that it's a waste of time. 2. it's very expensive. i would have to spend everything that i've made since graduation. and the return on investment is a big question mark. 3. i have to leave my family again. To counter the point made by the people in #1, i have talked to a few people who graduated from B school and entered a leadership development program (as a full time employee) with pharma companies. they train you in diff departments and eventually advance you quickly to leadership roles (or so i heard). So that is more attractive than just sitting here and trying to make little transition at a time, while always networking my ass off trying to convince people that i can 'think' like a marketer, whatever that means. there isn't only ONE kind of marketer in this world. and even if you are a really good marketer/sales person in your previous life, it doesn't mean that 'business' can't be taught to a medical person. So if i listened to these people, i would stay put in my current job until...well..until there is a position that is willing to consider me. And frankly, i'm not the type who waits for something to happen, especially if i have to identified as a 'key talent' (it's probably self-explanatory why i use this phrase), before i am advanced anywhere. First, i'm horrible at kissing ass, and secondly, when everyone is supposed to be a key talent in some way, it's impossible to stand out. There are supportive voices for me to get my MBA though, my current and previous managers, are two examples. I was actually surprised to hear the words "that's a fantastic idea' coming from them. Perhaps i have been so used to people telling me that i'm dreaming, or people who are concerned about my departure because it will bring them inconveniences in trying to fill the job to what it is that i do. But they are in agreement with what i have speculated. So i think that's a good sign. I suppose the $ part is still tough. my plan is to get the acceptances, and work until 3Q of this year and get enough $, apply for as many scholarships as i possibly can, pick up a summer internship to offset the costs...etc. Oh God, why do i subject myself to this? At the end of the day, i suppose no one can tell me if this is the right or wrong decision. Only time will tell. my plan is to be equipped with busienss trainings within a short period of time during my MBA, and come out being able to do (at least theoretically) market analysis, financial planning/projection, strategic operations, strategic marketing. Then i will apply for those leaderships programs which will give me one or two years of solid training in the companies either at the headquarter or in Asia. HOWEVER, if i happen to change my mind somewhere in the program, and decide to go into consulting, that may not be such a bad idea either. Either way, i will never know if i continue to do what i do right now. I ultimately still would like to live in Asia. I just want to move away from the daily grinds which really kills my passion for the science. I would never work in a job where i feel like i'm not 'learning' anymore. If i can continue to work at different things until i am 45, then either be an entrepreneur of something or work for an NPO, that wouldn't be half bad, either. I just wanted to see how far i can go without being 'unhappy'. It's never about rising up the ranks in one thing and one thing only and being super calculating. I figured that, hopefully by the time i am done with my immediate 5 year plan, I will have qualifications to work as the medical lead and commercial lead. most people are experts in one or the other, but it's rare to have both. plus i will also have experience doing these in 3 markets...at least my resume will sound a lot better than it does now. At that point, the table will be swtiched. i will not have some senior managment tell me that i don't have the skills or why is it that i don't follow the path or my interests do not have mutual benefits with the company because they only need someone to be super detail oriented and speaks two languages to help them crank out these publications like a machine. whew. ok that feels therapeutic. On to my next post. *_*