2. If someone truly wants to cheat you, there is no way you can tell: A lot of women think that when you get hurt by men it's because you liked the bad boys to begin with, or you must not have paid attention to the signs...etc. All i can say is, it was easier said than done. I didn't believe my sisters when they would advise me on these behaviors but now i know. Basically, through the past years, the couple guys who i fell hard for and got hurt by, really came to me under the cover of being a 'nice' guy. And maybe to some degree, they are already nice enough in this world of beastiality where women throw themselves at men in fear of dying alone, or just having low self confidence, i dont know. But basically, on one occasion, a-hold A approached me through a women's leadership event i held internally, by being the only male participant who showed up over time. he sent me articles after the meeting to be shared with others, he sent me recommendations for places in other parts of Taiwan that i could visit. We went on normal, sweet dates, bicyling, or looking at the view of taipei from the mountain, or dinner dates after work...until i found out he had strong morality issues, including having switched gf's constantly in the past, including a married woman. I FLIPPED OUT. And after forgiving him, i found out at a later point that he was dating different people, one of them actually living on my street. then i pulled the plug. so no, they dont come with tatoos..and once you fall for them, you fall for them pretty hard. you almost feel bad to walk away from something sweet and genuine to begin with. I had such a horrible time in 2013.
3. Even the 'good' guys can hurt you: Yes, case number 2, came from a good friend who i knew for almost 10 months in the MBA program, who has been a sweet friend, but passive. When he finally professed his love, that's when our relationship changed and i started looking at him differently because he was such a 'good' guy. Then i decided that i would reciprocate...until...my job offer came from SG from the company i want to work for. Then it was that speech -- i dont want to do long distance (more on this later)...and i need my gf to live in the same city as me. blah blah blah. not even pretending that we would TRY. even when i decided that I would be nice and left a copy of a book that i had introduced him in his mailbox, NO WORDS. And on the last day before i left france, i asked if he wanted to stop by the school cafeteria where i bidded everyone goodbye, he said he was really busy that day. When he did stop by, it was barely a hug. then he was off. I then left France with a broken heart. but a good friend. a 'good' guy. and i couldn't even tell a lot of people because he's been such a well-behaved, nerdy guy that no one would believe would kill an ant.
4. I wish i was selfish: So through the past years i have heard the 'i dont want to do long distance' from at least 3 guys. all of them i had gone on cute dates with, and all of them delivered this same speech to me, when i at least was willing to TRY. heck i am even willing to MOVE if given the right guy, or given up a good offer. But NO ONE so far has shown the same decency. So in my defense, if you didn't show that you're worth it, i'm also not gonna even try to put my career or family life on hold. I want to be in Singapore, where i got a great oportunity and i would be close to my family. Why is it that everyone else gets to say this to me before i get to reject them? which brings me to the next point.
5. I refuse to let my past dictate my future, and i really want to be with someone like that: Yes we've all gotten hurt or gotten rejected. My last major relationship happened in high school/college, and i was dumped because it became long distance. Yes it sucked really bad. It sucked so bad that it put me into depression. and i never dated for the next 10+ years. But will i never say never? probably not. But should i? probably. But i choose to see everyone as a new individual. I can/should never ask the next person to prove himself to me just because the last a-hole had broken my heart. Who doesn't come with baggage? But still, i've had to hear the 'i've been in LDR before, and it didn't work out, so i am never doing it WITH YOU'. that type of thing. which hurt, a lot.
6. I am a lot braver than i think: I've moved and lived in at least 5 countries in the past 5 years, and i constant travel bc of my job. and i am immersed by men who judge me for my life choices, refuse to date me, say horrible things to me that break my heart, but i dont want to give up. Just because something's never been done before, doesn't mean that it can't be done. I always think i should just run back to the US, or any western country, before i am too old. Over there women are relatively more free, and age isn't as big an issue, and i will forever look young/exotic. But that would be the easy way out. I like that i get to travel to different places and experience different cultures, sometimes in emerging economy where everything is dirty, or dangerous, or the customers are rude, or the workload is heavy, but i dont want to give up. yet. I want to learn new languages as i go to these places. I want to try to live/work in Japan/Korea even if it means it's a dating desert for me with a western demeaner, and women locally dress better and are more cute and submissive. But i dont want to give up. Will it hurt me in the end? i dont know.
7. I am too kind, too much a giver: this probably relates to the point of not being selfish, but i can't change who i am essentially. I wish i can play these games of love. given that i'm usually one being strung along for different people's selfish purposes, for them to 'choose' if i get to be their gf's or not (screw that). I never did it to a guy and i never want to do it. I feel like no one should have to impress me like that. if i didn't like someone enough i would let them down easy, but i never do 'pulse checks' or flirt with them online or ask favors of them, because i dont want to. it makes me sleep better at night. And also because i have been severely depressed, i dont want to cause pain to another person. Also when i am in a semi-relationship (if that even exists), i think about the other person and what he said, and i would even bring in coffee or little favors because i remember. But i dont feel like that the same has been done to me. I wish i can be more cold hearted.
8. The world has gone slutty and i'm being eliminated by Darwinism: I realized this soon after i dated the TW a-hole. To give the proper background, i didn't sleep with any of these a-holes who broke my heart in the past years. precisely because i refuse to sleep with someone before we are even in a relationship, and before we had the talk, or while we had the talk, it became acutely clear to me that they 'weren't sure' if we should be exclusive. So if we weren't, what reason do i have to trust you with my body? Am i suppose to interview with my skills in bed? the scary thing is, whenever i did talk about guys with people these days, they asked me why i didn't? people advised me that i needed to try them out, or that i need to just live in the moment. i WISH i can live in the moment. i really do. but i can't. I know the consequences of heartbreak. And i can't stand lies, and i already feel like few people these days are genuine. good guy or not. So why is it a GIVEN these days that i need to put out? Then it became the chicken or the egg question, perhaps because i didn't want to sleep with them, that they 'weren't sure' if they wanted to date me?! i ask myself the same question. but as i get older, i reall just dont want to sleep with any random ass hole who could give me the same speech. :(
9. it's really hard being an expat: because you move around so much, you meet interesting people, you create interesting memories, and you leave a piece of your heart everywhere you go. But you're also not right next to your family, so you feel guilty all the time. You also grow apart from the many friends you meet everywhere because you aren't there during their major life events, then you feel guilty somewhere. Then you spend your vacation days visiting people and catch up, and feel like you weren't present during those major events. Because you move you always have to make new friends, learn about a new market, as exciting and rewarding as that might be, you see your freidns posting their baby pictures and new house photos, and you wonder if you need to stop one day. But you just happen to combine your interst for new adventures, with your career.
10. It's even harder being a female expat: because the world is the western/western-educated men's playground, especially in emerging countries. So all of them have fun with local women, dont want to deal with someone who's sharp and smart and make as much as they do. and then you are open to dating local men, but most of them are too scared to approach you. Or that theres inherent cultural differences that you're not used to. or you make more than them. or they are intimidated by your lifestyle/experience. you can't do anything right. then you feel guilty about your career which you worked so hard on, or your education because you dont want men to think you're intimidating. You are told to not talk back to these men or debate with them because it turns them off. Then you feel like you're not yourself anymore.
11. I dont like being grey. I am black and white because i've always been like this, and i'm a scientist. so everything is black and white to me. you need to show me the evidence. please dont tell me that people make mistakes and i need to be tolerant. yes i do understand that, and i pray to god that i wont be like that one day. but i can't stand immorality, or cheating. why do i have to understand people's moral problems when they dont understand my desire to do the right thing all the time and i am being judged as being too serious? all that i want is to not cheat someone. you can break up with people, but dont sleep around, not even once. is that so hard to ask? Do i need to develop patience every time someone is 'unsure' about dating me? then how much time do i have? how much longer do i have to wait?
I dont know anymore. i dont want to let my age define me and what i do, but i'm scared as hell. what if i never meet that person who i think exists? what if every guy essentially is confused? what if i finally meet someone nice and i'm not attracted to him? can i force myself to date someone who i dont love? what if i do meet the right guy and i'm already old and he doesn't see me at my prime?
some days i feel very tired. and sad. i'm 32 and i dont have the answers. :(
