A year in.....Asia?

I just realized that from the last time i logged on to Blogger to this time, the layout of the website actually changed?! Now my internet browser (which desperately needs to be updated) doesn't even support this version of Blogger anymore!! so all of the dialogue boxes are sort of in different places. I am crossing my fingers that this post won't actually get deleted when i hit 'publish'... And i just realized that because i have been so horrible at keeping my page up to date, i had already moved out of the 'Garden State' for about a year now, and i still haven't changed the name of my blog?! such blasphemy! I was going through the choices in my head...China, Taiwan, Asia, Back to the Beginning...ugh it's hard to be original. But yes perhaps i am moving a little too fast and that's not good for my mental being in many ways. :P Anyway, the reason why i'm on my old computer today (and hence updating my blog) is because yesterday something REALLY bizarre happened. in almost same altitude as the life changing decision of moving back last year. I was doing my usual business at work, going through a ton of emails and getting ready for congress abstract submissions and just basically buried knee deep in paper work, when all of a sudden i received a call (from the caller ID i could tell it came from China). I didn't hesitate at all, thinking it must be one of my co-workers, and answered my phone. And then the person asked politely to verify my identification. It turned out that, he was calling from a head hunting agency! I guess it was not a big deal, seeing probably many other people receive these calls. I was probably secretly excited that i did receive a head hunting call. BUT, the bizarre thing was, i NEVER posted my cell number on any search engine HERE, and by here i mean the general region of APAC. NO ONE except the people who i work directly with should have access to THIS NUMBER. and this is all because i was sort of 'transplated' from my old job in the US to HERE. So i didn't go through those job search websites. And then this guy went on explaining the position he was calling about. He knew quite a bit about me as well. He knew i lived and worked in the US. he knew that i worked for this particular company. He knew that i am trained in publications...etc. So i was very amused and he went on explaining about the position. that's where my head started spinning. Basically, it sounds like something that i could probably kill for at this moment. I would be able to have more autonomy in what i do, and have a real promotion (which i have actually been thinking about, for reasons which i will explain in a minute). It was too good to be true...except..i couldn't be based HERE. i would have to move to SH. I suppose i can make a list of pros and cons in my next post. But in short, this OTHER company has a very promising line of oncology products, which are in the field that i've always wanted to do. They recently merged with a company based in San Francisco, which means that i dont have to think about having to move back to NJ EVER in my life, if the headquarter isn't even anywhere east of the Missisippi river (okay, i'm being dramatic here). And i have been looking for a change of therapeutic area... But the move...ugh...the move. It's not horrible i guess, i've always pictured it somewhere down the line, given the market situation and that TW is a tiny market which will become a problem if i want to stay here. but i'm really not a fan of moving yet again...by myself. i've done it before. i suppose i could do it again, but....ugh. AND i'm not getting younger. should i be pursuing a potential boost in my professional life? or just stay happy and close to my family and childhood friends and just feel safe for a while. it feels so wrong to want more. and the reason why i wanted a promotion, is because of some poor managment decision in the company, which resulted in two new guys who are completely untrained in my field, to come in and were offered higher positions than i do. so basically, i'm doing all the bit** work and they just came in and took the title (i was the first ginea pig for this newly created department). and i am also expected to train them. i busted my ass for this new job thinking it can really take me somewhere, but instead, i'm the one with the lowest rank here. so of course i savor much bitterness. On the flip side, i like the other co-workers who i work on a daily basis with, they are in my therapeutic area and really trust and rely on my expertise. they are wonderful, amazing people who i am very thankful for. and i am still keeping my ties with the old team in the US because thankfully i'm still with the same products. So if i leave, i would be severing all these ties, and my boss above all, would probably hold grudge toward me. ughh. ok. so that pretty much sums up the situation...until further notice i suppose. I suppose like my parents said, it doesn't hurt to find out more information about the other company. it may not even work out. But i'm such a worry bug that it kept me up all night. Mostly because i wasn't prepared to move so fast. i wish things were easier sometimes... p.s. i realized that i didn't clarify that the recruiter finally told me that he was referred to me by someone who i briefly worked with while on the China team, he's not from our company, but from our alliance company. but he's seen my work before... odd.

Young people at work

I just found out all of my lunch buddies are leaving the company in the next month or so. Ugh.

Now that leaves me as the only youngER person i know, looking to blend in with the rest of the people yet again.

Truthfully it doesn't make me super sad, just kind of low. I mean, all the best to them who find better jobs that suit their interest. I would do the same as well. It's easier to be the first ones leaving than e last. So I totally understand. I mean, I have days( more frequently lately) which make me want to leave as well, but I really have to stick it out, for various reasons. I suppose that will go into a separate post, hopefully not three months later...;)

It IS hard being the in between person, between china and tw, tw and the US, and TW and Australia. No one in my direct line of report is in the same geographical location as me and I wonder if that will hurt me somewhere down the line. Socially I can make friends, although I do realize I have to over extend myself to please everybody and to survive in both organizations to stay connected. That takes a lot of effort. And I, also trying to stay in tough with everyone I know. Sometimes I am sad that I get emotionally attached to do many places and ppl and at the same time I feel pretty tired, although I suppose you can also look at it as being being somewhat lucky, as my sister would say, to have so many people as close friends and who I care about. I suppose she's right. It just is tiring bc either I end up leaving or they end up leaving me first. I am realizing that I can't just sign up for a tour anytime I want knowing my best friend is always down to go with me. That best friend(s), is somewhere else now.

Just today I am thinking about this again... Probably bc we just saw my dad's friend from the US over the weekend who badgered me about boyfriends, and probably bc I have been on facebook quite a bit, and I think about 80% of my gf recently uploaded pictures of their weddings /honeymoon, and bc I just recently sae The Hunger Game and the Iron Lady and John Carter which made me think of the strong female characters having a supportive partner. Anyway, now that people who are in their twenties/ early thirties have all officially left the company, I am kind of back to square one again. I suppose that's easier for me to focus. And also bc it's hard to like anyone around your age anyway. In one way or another, they (the guys) always turn out to be somewhat aggressive and connivimg, either withholding information all the time ( as in the case of SJ), or sounding like an immature ass who likes to take the credit for everything who is actually in his mid thirties( as in the case of JC), or not responsive to your email ( as in the case of AA), or someone who tells u flat out he wants your job ( as in the case of TO).... The list goes on and on. Maybe it's me, or maybe the world really is going crazy and girls have had to to become very non threatening ( which I'm not) in order to be 'likeable''. I often think of a line from Conan obrien on his last show as the Tonight Show Host when jay leno finally stole his job :" if you work really hard, and you are kind,amazing things will happen." I want to remember this always so I can walk away from a job when it no longer makes me happy and when I feel like I'm surrounded by douchbags so much that I am almost becoming one of the,. And if I never date these mental guys I will know that it's because I am better because I want someone who is drive. And yet kind and nurturing.

Funny thing is, the 'red thread' I got from the Chinese temple actually brought me unwanted unattention from lots of older men, and I mean, old like my dad's age old. Maybe it's time to ask for a new one...;) kind of creepy bc I consider myself super non-bs and I would like to be really mean to these older men but I can't bc I either work with the, or they are one of our key customers. But I manage to keep them away. Ugh.

I really need to go and sign up for some kind of class out of my personal interest....-_-

收假

ugh! the 9 days of consecutive Chinese New Year vacation is over as of 1 minute ago. Darn!

A quick reflection before i am off to bed until the dreadful monday.

I spent the day with my maternal grandma and auntie and cousins, and my parents. and i saw them just a week ago because my grandma was in Taipei to visit. I have to say, i've REALLY enjoyed family time thus far. This compared to last year is like heaven to hell. I think about this sometimes, how fortunate i am to be able to live here, during this time, and see everyone while they are still alive and well, when my parents are still healthy and can enjoy the good food and places we visit.

Even visits to the malls feel different. Yes there's a lot of good shopping in the US. and cheap discount shopping. But i enjoy shopping with people who i care about a lot more. I can shop alone, in fact i don't mind shopping alone at all. I get more done within a short time. Whether it's shopping for xmas gifts, clothes, shoes, or books. But i'm kind of over that now. visiting B&N, Ross, Marshalls, nordstrom Rack, Malls, Starbucks...and those places alone. I don't think alone means 'lonely' necessarily. Rather i just become a very efficient robot, i go in, i get things done, and i leave. There is no fun in it anymore because i've become somewhat jaded. But i suppose everything in Asia is still new to me. It's new in a way that there's ao many varieties here, and old in a way that things and places and people are still very familiar to me, i'm just looking at them with a new set of eyes and attitude. For some reason, i enjoy it a lot more. Even if i was just window shopping.

I guess what i am trying to say is, i really enjoying being 'home' in taiwan. i can make plans and actually see relatives who i've wanted to see for a long time. and it's no longer 'i will call you next time i come back - in six months'. rather it's 'next week'. And when we meet next time they bring me a lot of things, foods my grandma had prepared for me, and we meet at a restaurant near their home that they're dying to take me to. And afterward we walk around the mall some more, go back to either their or our place and sit around the living room, watching new year's special and chat about random nothings. and eat chinese candies.

Just pieces of memories i forgot how much i enjoyed before.

I don't know what my next step is. And as my uncle said when i explained the whole job situation to him (work is trying to make me move again, and i said no to China --details to come in tomorrow's post), and he said, are you sure it's the right decision? I paused for a second because i asked myself that question many times before. but i know that for now, it IS the right decision.