As I sit here reminiscing about the past 2 months, everything literally turned into a blur. I remember finding out about the job, counting down to my last day at work, one farewell dinner/lunch after another in NJ/SD/LA, tearing by myself, seeing the boy, packing, more fare well dinners with friends and family, more tearing up by myself, and more packing....somewhere in the middle i think i really wanted to shoot myself. Somehow the initial joy of getting the job is swallowed by the fear of the immediate move and the unknown future.
quite honestly, i still dont know what decision is the RIGHT decision in life. I just have to keep moving forward, and hope for the best.
I am extremely fearful at this moment. People seem to have more faith in me than i have in myself. I know what i am capable of and what i am not, but they don't know that.
Mostly i think i know that emotionally i am a lot less tough than people perceive me as. I'd like to think that i can just pick up and move wherever and live life with no regrets and be great at my job, but i secretly also wonder if i long for stability, and not having to choose any more in my life.
I think i will have a lot more to write about. about this past year, about events leading up to the past year, about all of the missing entries i should have put in. but i think i will need some time to digest all the information. I will need some time to really grief about the really down days i had, and will sprinkle a few uplifting ones in between. overall, i am relieved that it's over. and the outcome is such.
In short, i think I make it a goal that i want to touch as many lives as possible, every time i spend time with someone. I want to be available to everyone. As i said to my sister today during lunch, dating someone or not, i feel really lucky that I am surrounded by this many people who i love and who care for me. I am lucky to have touched so many lives and have they feel the same in return. I am very blessed in that sense and because of that, i feel that my life is pretty complete.
At the same time, I always feel bad about leaving. I am horrible at saying goodbyes, I tear up easily. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i can feel the sentimentality to its fullest and really thank everyone for being a part of my life. Being my friend through the horrible high school years, being my friend through college, being my friend through the most boring pharmacy school and its rotations, and being my support system when i was in new jersey. I wish i had more time to go around and really catch up with everybody.
Oh, and yes, the story about a boy. Was there only one boy? well...there were a couple during my time in the US. But none of them amounted to anything. At the end of the day, I am still pretty single to move around. The most recent boy, who i have blogged about before, who became my manager, who i could not read if he likes me or not. We ran into each other at the meeting in San Diego, and hung out a few times. I still couldnt read him, and my defense mechanism got the best of me, and i pretty much acted like a porcupine with my ever-teasing jokes, which sounded semi-offensive to my friend who happened to be present at the time. My immaturity and insecurity got the best of me. So that was sort of the end of the story. We just left it at that. I suppose I will never find out if we really had a chance, given that I am moving far, far away, as i always do. Yes, i will find someone new, someone Taiwanese, as people say. Maybe I will, maybe i won't. I don't really know. But that was the end of the story about a boy.
The truth is, i have this great opportunity ahead of me. I have to leave to be somewhere far, far away, and i am scared out of my mind. i hate the word 'never'. I never want to never see somebody i care for. Whether it be my own parents, my family in the US, my close friends on both coasts, or my childhood friends from Taiwan.
If i can put everyone i love in a box and take with me wherever i go, I think i would.
