Sunday, February 3, 2013
tiredness in my brain
this week is really the crunch time for GMAT.
my brain is tired from the intense class and homework schedule for a week, on top of full time working and business travels, and trying to keep everything a secret.
i am taking in 4 days and yet i feel like since Sunday night my brain just sort of shut off. i could not read another argumentative passage or draw another ratio pie to solve for x and y. Thank god i grew up in asia so the geometry isn't that big of a problem. But yes, the data sufficiency questions make me want to scream.
I have so much to lose if i do horrible. that makes me freak out too. maybe that's why i have been getting this headache.
Basically work already knows that i am departing in 6 months (i secretly suspect that when they say they are trying to link me up with things i would like, they tricked me into saying my timeline). at this point, they've pretty much given up on me and are probalby looking for my replacements. it's like i'm already one foot out the door.
so i need to do REALLY well on this exam.
i also need to write some kick-ass essays. which is hard because like i said, i dont have anything too stellar to write about because i do medical things that take a long time to execute (publications can take up to a year to create and publish, posters/oral presentations are only one aspect of a medical congress), there's usually no big 'conflicts' i must resolve with my team-members (because i tend to be the only person who is the subject matter expert), i do have difficult 'customers' to deal with ie. the doctors and marketing colleagues who don't give a crap about publications because they just do ghost writing in China. ughh. the more i think about it, the more i feel my essays will sound like a pile of crap. it won't be anything like their other candidates, "achieved 170% growth in sales in one fiscal year" or "as the operational lead for two multi-national corporations' merger/acquisition". I mean, i would like to get to that point, but right now i am a big nerd.
and i need to have people write kick-ass recommendations for me.
darn. i think i better have a plan B.
OR, if everything works like i expected, my next post can be named -- A YEAR IN XXXXX (city TBD).
sigh.
My next move
My brain feels really tired from recent major decisions i have made.
To make long story short, i have decided that i would pursue an MBA as my next step.
Reasons:
1. I have realized that my specialization is perhaps too specialized. As much as i liked the art and the skills i have aquired from working on the pharma side to produce scientific publications, i have also realized the limitations of having this as a career for the rest of my life.
2. if i don't challenge myself now and make yet another drastic switch in my career, i will probably never do it. the opportunity cost is just less when i do it now vs. when i have a family or when i'm more senior in my career.
3. I wanted to try my chances with pharmaceutical marketing, business development and strategic planning, which are difficult to enter as a medical professional with zero sales experience. even though i think i could be really good at these things, it is hard to argue that my skills are trasferrable.
Hold backs/concerns:
1. People at work who are nay-sayers. I am being told that an MBA is NOT required, and their hidden message is that i will regret it. or that it's a waste of time.
2. it's very expensive. i would have to spend everything that i've made since graduation. and the return on investment is a big question mark.
3. i have to leave my family again.
To counter the point made by the people in #1, i have talked to a few people who graduated from B school and entered a leadership development program (as a full time employee) with pharma companies. they train you in diff departments and eventually advance you quickly to leadership roles (or so i heard). So that is more attractive than just sitting here and trying to make little transition at a time, while always networking my ass off trying to convince people that i can 'think' like a marketer, whatever that means. there isn't only ONE kind of marketer in this world. and even if you are a really good marketer/sales person in your previous life, it doesn't mean that 'business' can't be taught to a medical person. So if i listened to these people, i would stay put in my current job until...well..until there is a position that is willing to consider me. And frankly, i'm not the type who waits for something to happen, especially if i have to identified as a 'key talent' (it's probably self-explanatory why i use this phrase), before i am advanced anywhere. First, i'm horrible at kissing ass, and secondly, when everyone is supposed to be a key talent in some way, it's impossible to stand out.
There are supportive voices for me to get my MBA though, my current and previous managers, are two examples. I was actually surprised to hear the words "that's a fantastic idea' coming from them. Perhaps i have been so used to people telling me that i'm dreaming, or people who are concerned about my departure because it will bring them inconveniences in trying to fill the job to what it is that i do. But they are in agreement with what i have speculated. So i think that's a good sign.
I suppose the $ part is still tough. my plan is to get the acceptances, and work until 3Q of this year and get enough $, apply for as many scholarships as i possibly can, pick up a summer internship to offset the costs...etc. Oh God, why do i subject myself to this?
At the end of the day, i suppose no one can tell me if this is the right or wrong decision. Only time will tell. my plan is to be equipped with busienss trainings within a short period of time during my MBA, and come out being able to do (at least theoretically) market analysis, financial planning/projection, strategic operations, strategic marketing. Then i will apply for those leaderships programs which will give me one or two years of solid training in the companies either at the headquarter or in Asia. HOWEVER, if i happen to change my mind somewhere in the program, and decide to go into consulting, that may not be such a bad idea either. Either way, i will never know if i continue to do what i do right now.
I ultimately still would like to live in Asia. I just want to move away from the daily grinds which really kills my passion for the science. I would never work in a job where i feel like i'm not 'learning' anymore. If i can continue to work at different things until i am 45, then either be an entrepreneur of something or work for an NPO, that wouldn't be half bad, either. I just wanted to see how far i can go without being 'unhappy'. It's never about rising up the ranks in one thing and one thing only and being super calculating.
I figured that, hopefully by the time i am done with my immediate 5 year plan, I will have qualifications to work as the medical lead and commercial lead. most people are experts in one or the other, but it's rare to have both. plus i will also have experience doing these in 3 markets...at least my resume will sound a lot better than it does now.
At that point, the table will be swtiched. i will not have some senior managment tell me that i don't have the skills or why is it that i don't follow the path or my interests do not have mutual benefits with the company because they only need someone to be super detail oriented and speaks two languages to help them crank out these publications like a machine.
whew. ok that feels therapeutic. On to my next post. *_*
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A year in.....Asia?
I just realized that from the last time i logged on to Blogger to this time, the layout of the website actually changed?! Now my internet browser (which desperately needs to be updated) doesn't even support this version of Blogger anymore!! so all of the dialogue boxes are sort of in different places. I am crossing my fingers that this post won't actually get deleted when i hit 'publish'...
And i just realized that because i have been so horrible at keeping my page up to date, i had already moved out of the 'Garden State' for about a year now, and i still haven't changed the name of my blog?! such blasphemy! I was going through the choices in my head...China, Taiwan, Asia, Back to the Beginning...ugh it's hard to be original. But yes perhaps i am moving a little too fast and that's not good for my mental being in many ways. :P
Anyway, the reason why i'm on my old computer today (and hence updating my blog) is because yesterday something REALLY bizarre happened. in almost same altitude as the life changing decision of moving back last year.
I was doing my usual business at work, going through a ton of emails and getting ready for congress abstract submissions and just basically buried knee deep in paper work, when all of a sudden i received a call (from the caller ID i could tell it came from China). I didn't hesitate at all, thinking it must be one of my co-workers, and answered my phone. And then the person asked politely to verify my identification. It turned out that, he was calling from a head hunting agency! I guess it was not a big deal, seeing probably many other people receive these calls. I was probably secretly excited that i did receive a head hunting call. BUT, the bizarre thing was, i NEVER posted my cell number on any search engine HERE, and by here i mean the general region of APAC. NO ONE except the people who i work directly with should have access to THIS NUMBER. and this is all because i was sort of 'transplated' from my old job in the US to HERE. So i didn't go through those job search websites.
And then this guy went on explaining the position he was calling about. He knew quite a bit about me as well. He knew i lived and worked in the US. he knew that i worked for this particular company. He knew that i am trained in publications...etc. So i was very amused and he went on explaining about the position. that's where my head started spinning.
Basically, it sounds like something that i could probably kill for at this moment. I would be able to have more autonomy in what i do, and have a real promotion (which i have actually been thinking about, for reasons which i will explain in a minute).
It was too good to be true...except..i couldn't be based HERE. i would have to move to SH.
I suppose i can make a list of pros and cons in my next post. But in short, this OTHER company has a very promising line of oncology products, which are in the field that i've always wanted to do. They recently merged with a company based in San Francisco, which means that i dont have to think about having to move back to NJ EVER in my life, if the headquarter isn't even anywhere east of the Missisippi river (okay, i'm being dramatic here). And i have been looking for a change of therapeutic area...
But the move...ugh...the move. It's not horrible i guess, i've always pictured it somewhere down the line, given the market situation and that TW is a tiny market which will become a problem if i want to stay here. but i'm really not a fan of moving yet again...by myself. i've done it before. i suppose i could do it again, but....ugh. AND i'm not getting younger. should i be pursuing a potential boost in my professional life? or just stay happy and close to my family and childhood friends and just feel safe for a while. it feels so wrong to want more.
and the reason why i wanted a promotion, is because of some poor managment decision in the company, which resulted in two new guys who are completely untrained in my field, to come in and were offered higher positions than i do. so basically, i'm doing all the bit** work and they just came in and took the title (i was the first ginea pig for this newly created department). and i am also expected to train them. i busted my ass for this new job thinking it can really take me somewhere, but instead, i'm the one with the lowest rank here. so of course i savor much bitterness.
On the flip side, i like the other co-workers who i work on a daily basis with, they are in my therapeutic area and really trust and rely on my expertise. they are wonderful, amazing people who i am very thankful for. and i am still keeping my ties with the old team in the US because thankfully i'm still with the same products. So if i leave, i would be severing all these ties, and my boss above all, would probably hold grudge toward me.
ughh. ok. so that pretty much sums up the situation...until further notice i suppose. I suppose like my parents said, it doesn't hurt to find out more information about the other company. it may not even work out. But i'm such a worry bug that it kept me up all night. Mostly because i wasn't prepared to move so fast.
i wish things were easier sometimes...
p.s. i realized that i didn't clarify that the recruiter finally told me that he was referred to me by someone who i briefly worked with while on the China team, he's not from our company, but from our alliance company. but he's seen my work before... odd.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Young people at work
I just found out all of my lunch buddies are leaving the company in the next month or so. Ugh.
Now that leaves me as the only youngER person i know, looking to blend in with the rest of the people yet again.
Truthfully it doesn't make me super sad, just kind of low. I mean, all the best to them who find better jobs that suit their interest. I would do the same as well. It's easier to be the first ones leaving than e last. So I totally understand. I mean, I have days( more frequently lately) which make me want to leave as well, but I really have to stick it out, for various reasons. I suppose that will go into a separate post, hopefully not three months later...;)
It IS hard being the in between person, between china and tw, tw and the US, and TW and Australia. No one in my direct line of report is in the same geographical location as me and I wonder if that will hurt me somewhere down the line. Socially I can make friends, although I do realize I have to over extend myself to please everybody and to survive in both organizations to stay connected. That takes a lot of effort. And I, also trying to stay in tough with everyone I know. Sometimes I am sad that I get emotionally attached to do many places and ppl and at the same time I feel pretty tired, although I suppose you can also look at it as being being somewhat lucky, as my sister would say, to have so many people as close friends and who I care about. I suppose she's right. It just is tiring bc either I end up leaving or they end up leaving me first. I am realizing that I can't just sign up for a tour anytime I want knowing my best friend is always down to go with me. That best friend(s), is somewhere else now.
Just today I am thinking about this again... Probably bc we just saw my dad's friend from the US over the weekend who badgered me about boyfriends, and probably bc I have been on facebook quite a bit, and I think about 80% of my gf recently uploaded pictures of their weddings /honeymoon, and bc I just recently sae The Hunger Game and the Iron Lady and John Carter which made me think of the strong female characters having a supportive partner. Anyway, now that people who are in their twenties/ early thirties have all officially left the company, I am kind of back to square one again. I suppose that's easier for me to focus. And also bc it's hard to like anyone around your age anyway. In one way or another, they (the guys) always turn out to be somewhat aggressive and connivimg, either withholding information all the time ( as in the case of SJ), or sounding like an immature ass who likes to take the credit for everything who is actually in his mid thirties( as in the case of JC), or not responsive to your email ( as in the case of AA), or someone who tells u flat out he wants your job ( as in the case of TO).... The list goes on and on. Maybe it's me, or maybe the world really is going crazy and girls have had to to become very non threatening ( which I'm not) in order to be 'likeable''. I often think of a line from Conan obrien on his last show as the Tonight Show Host when jay leno finally stole his job :" if you work really hard, and you are kind,amazing things will happen." I want to remember this always so I can walk away from a job when it no longer makes me happy and when I feel like I'm surrounded by douchbags so much that I am almost becoming one of the,. And if I never date these mental guys I will know that it's because I am better because I want someone who is drive. And yet kind and nurturing.
Funny thing is, the 'red thread' I got from the Chinese temple actually brought me unwanted unattention from lots of older men, and I mean, old like my dad's age old. Maybe it's time to ask for a new one...;) kind of creepy bc I consider myself super non-bs and I would like to be really mean to these older men but I can't bc I either work with the, or they are one of our key customers. But I manage to keep them away. Ugh.
I really need to go and sign up for some kind of class out of my personal interest....-_-
Now that leaves me as the only youngER person i know, looking to blend in with the rest of the people yet again.
Truthfully it doesn't make me super sad, just kind of low. I mean, all the best to them who find better jobs that suit their interest. I would do the same as well. It's easier to be the first ones leaving than e last. So I totally understand. I mean, I have days( more frequently lately) which make me want to leave as well, but I really have to stick it out, for various reasons. I suppose that will go into a separate post, hopefully not three months later...;)
It IS hard being the in between person, between china and tw, tw and the US, and TW and Australia. No one in my direct line of report is in the same geographical location as me and I wonder if that will hurt me somewhere down the line. Socially I can make friends, although I do realize I have to over extend myself to please everybody and to survive in both organizations to stay connected. That takes a lot of effort. And I, also trying to stay in tough with everyone I know. Sometimes I am sad that I get emotionally attached to do many places and ppl and at the same time I feel pretty tired, although I suppose you can also look at it as being being somewhat lucky, as my sister would say, to have so many people as close friends and who I care about. I suppose she's right. It just is tiring bc either I end up leaving or they end up leaving me first. I am realizing that I can't just sign up for a tour anytime I want knowing my best friend is always down to go with me. That best friend(s), is somewhere else now.
Just today I am thinking about this again... Probably bc we just saw my dad's friend from the US over the weekend who badgered me about boyfriends, and probably bc I have been on facebook quite a bit, and I think about 80% of my gf recently uploaded pictures of their weddings /honeymoon, and bc I just recently sae The Hunger Game and the Iron Lady and John Carter which made me think of the strong female characters having a supportive partner. Anyway, now that people who are in their twenties/ early thirties have all officially left the company, I am kind of back to square one again. I suppose that's easier for me to focus. And also bc it's hard to like anyone around your age anyway. In one way or another, they (the guys) always turn out to be somewhat aggressive and connivimg, either withholding information all the time ( as in the case of SJ), or sounding like an immature ass who likes to take the credit for everything who is actually in his mid thirties( as in the case of JC), or not responsive to your email ( as in the case of AA), or someone who tells u flat out he wants your job ( as in the case of TO).... The list goes on and on. Maybe it's me, or maybe the world really is going crazy and girls have had to to become very non threatening ( which I'm not) in order to be 'likeable''. I often think of a line from Conan obrien on his last show as the Tonight Show Host when jay leno finally stole his job :" if you work really hard, and you are kind,amazing things will happen." I want to remember this always so I can walk away from a job when it no longer makes me happy and when I feel like I'm surrounded by douchbags so much that I am almost becoming one of the,. And if I never date these mental guys I will know that it's because I am better because I want someone who is drive. And yet kind and nurturing.
Funny thing is, the 'red thread' I got from the Chinese temple actually brought me unwanted unattention from lots of older men, and I mean, old like my dad's age old. Maybe it's time to ask for a new one...;) kind of creepy bc I consider myself super non-bs and I would like to be really mean to these older men but I can't bc I either work with the, or they are one of our key customers. But I manage to keep them away. Ugh.
I really need to go and sign up for some kind of class out of my personal interest....-_-
Sunday, January 29, 2012
收假
ugh! the 9 days of consecutive Chinese New Year vacation is over as of 1 minute ago. Darn!
A quick reflection before i am off to bed until the dreadful monday.
I spent the day with my maternal grandma and auntie and cousins, and my parents. and i saw them just a week ago because my grandma was in Taipei to visit. I have to say, i've REALLY enjoyed family time thus far. This compared to last year is like heaven to hell. I think about this sometimes, how fortunate i am to be able to live here, during this time, and see everyone while they are still alive and well, when my parents are still healthy and can enjoy the good food and places we visit.
Even visits to the malls feel different. Yes there's a lot of good shopping in the US. and cheap discount shopping. But i enjoy shopping with people who i care about a lot more. I can shop alone, in fact i don't mind shopping alone at all. I get more done within a short time. Whether it's shopping for xmas gifts, clothes, shoes, or books. But i'm kind of over that now. visiting B&N, Ross, Marshalls, nordstrom Rack, Malls, Starbucks...and those places alone. I don't think alone means 'lonely' necessarily. Rather i just become a very efficient robot, i go in, i get things done, and i leave. There is no fun in it anymore because i've become somewhat jaded. But i suppose everything in Asia is still new to me. It's new in a way that there's ao many varieties here, and old in a way that things and places and people are still very familiar to me, i'm just looking at them with a new set of eyes and attitude. For some reason, i enjoy it a lot more. Even if i was just window shopping.
I guess what i am trying to say is, i really enjoying being 'home' in taiwan. i can make plans and actually see relatives who i've wanted to see for a long time. and it's no longer 'i will call you next time i come back - in six months'. rather it's 'next week'. And when we meet next time they bring me a lot of things, foods my grandma had prepared for me, and we meet at a restaurant near their home that they're dying to take me to. And afterward we walk around the mall some more, go back to either their or our place and sit around the living room, watching new year's special and chat about random nothings. and eat chinese candies.
Just pieces of memories i forgot how much i enjoyed before.
I don't know what my next step is. And as my uncle said when i explained the whole job situation to him (work is trying to make me move again, and i said no to China --details to come in tomorrow's post), and he said, are you sure it's the right decision? I paused for a second because i asked myself that question many times before. but i know that for now, it IS the right decision.
A quick reflection before i am off to bed until the dreadful monday.
I spent the day with my maternal grandma and auntie and cousins, and my parents. and i saw them just a week ago because my grandma was in Taipei to visit. I have to say, i've REALLY enjoyed family time thus far. This compared to last year is like heaven to hell. I think about this sometimes, how fortunate i am to be able to live here, during this time, and see everyone while they are still alive and well, when my parents are still healthy and can enjoy the good food and places we visit.
Even visits to the malls feel different. Yes there's a lot of good shopping in the US. and cheap discount shopping. But i enjoy shopping with people who i care about a lot more. I can shop alone, in fact i don't mind shopping alone at all. I get more done within a short time. Whether it's shopping for xmas gifts, clothes, shoes, or books. But i'm kind of over that now. visiting B&N, Ross, Marshalls, nordstrom Rack, Malls, Starbucks...and those places alone. I don't think alone means 'lonely' necessarily. Rather i just become a very efficient robot, i go in, i get things done, and i leave. There is no fun in it anymore because i've become somewhat jaded. But i suppose everything in Asia is still new to me. It's new in a way that there's ao many varieties here, and old in a way that things and places and people are still very familiar to me, i'm just looking at them with a new set of eyes and attitude. For some reason, i enjoy it a lot more. Even if i was just window shopping.
I guess what i am trying to say is, i really enjoying being 'home' in taiwan. i can make plans and actually see relatives who i've wanted to see for a long time. and it's no longer 'i will call you next time i come back - in six months'. rather it's 'next week'. And when we meet next time they bring me a lot of things, foods my grandma had prepared for me, and we meet at a restaurant near their home that they're dying to take me to. And afterward we walk around the mall some more, go back to either their or our place and sit around the living room, watching new year's special and chat about random nothings. and eat chinese candies.
Just pieces of memories i forgot how much i enjoyed before.
I don't know what my next step is. And as my uncle said when i explained the whole job situation to him (work is trying to make me move again, and i said no to China --details to come in tomorrow's post), and he said, are you sure it's the right decision? I paused for a second because i asked myself that question many times before. but i know that for now, it IS the right decision.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
a quick thought (of many) before i am off the bed
Been terrible at maintaining my blog again...sorry
A quick thought before i'm off to bed. Something i've been wanting to comment.
So lately i've noticed that a lot of people have been, well, paying me a lot of compliments. And it's odd to me because it happens to my two sisters a lot, and not so much myself. These compliments usually center around, my look, my 氣質, my brain, my clothes...the list goes on and on.
So i've always advised my sister K that, don't believe everything you're told, esp these compliments. Mainly because that's how i look at these things. I can't seem to understand why people would go out of their way to do that. and i mean, REALLY go out of their way to do that. I'm not being sensitive, but the dry clean people tell me that everytime i stop by, they love my clothes, love the way i put on my make up, love the way i present myself...i almost have to quickly find an excuse to leave. And the same thing happens at work too, i don't work DIRECTLY with the people in the office. But i do care about the way i look, so i definitely maintain a business-casual look, ALWAYS wearing a trouser or a suit skirt on any day,and a full suit on a formal day.
So they say that i exert this feeling that they can't describe (note that i had my hair up in a 鯊魚夾 when i am on my computer, and my seat is in plain view to everyone. and i really just didn't give a damn because i dont like hair in my face when i type. So then of course when i take it off my hair is not nice and tame like everybody else, but again, that's been my look for ages, the messy hair look because i dont' have much hair and like to create volume. Even THAT people say they admire.
I am feeling VERY suspicious about all this. Call me a cynic but from the US i don't think people would voluntarily compliment someone like that. like they almost idolize you. They might do that to a really beautiful woman because they want something. but i dont understand what they can possibly get from me. I'm not saying this because i'm ungrateful and would rather that everybody hates me, but i just don't think that it is NORMAL, unless it comes from your close friend or your family. because THEY tell you the truth and what they really think.
In general, i think it's easier for taiwanese people to idolize a person who they think is 'cool'. they idolize people who look really pretty, they idolize people who get to live in a foreign country, they idolize foreign people (that's why it's 老外天堂), they idolize rich people, they idolize the 貴婦...so on and so forth. you get the point. So that's how i attribute this phenomenon to. Because i've recently moved back and i probably am not 'poor' to their standards and i dress in nice clothes and i probably don't look half bad and i have a high post-graduate degree...so they think that they are obliged to pay me compliments. Again, i'm not being ungreatful, but shouldn't these be goals you set for yourself?
I don't take anything i have for granted. And i know the process that's happened in order for me to get these things. I think it's really sad that, for girls in taiwan, there's this TREMENDOUS pressure to look 正. I honestly don't give a crap about looking 正. I care about what's inside of my head. That's why for the longest time i've looked like the biggest nerd full of acnes and crappy clothes and without a bf. But all of that didn't bother me back then. Becauase i liked the science and i've always known that i wanted to be something and love what i do. And fashion and beauty just weren't the focus of my life. So now i'm a bit older, i've learned how to dress myself, and after 10+ years of trials and error i've finally gotten my skin under control. And i am now earning money to pay for the clothes that i can afford to look professional. I think these things just happened in an order that i expect them to happen. I never thought it was important for me to look hot at 18 and date lots of guys.
I've noticed that most TW girls i've come in contact with or seen on TV, really can go on and on about beauty and clothes and guys and whatnot, and there seems to be this obsession with 孫芸芸 (or any second generation from a big corporate). And i only pretend i'm interested in these topics. Truthfully, most of the time i am too concerned/worried about work and my future to spare my time to think that. Once in a while i'll find something i really like, and i stick with it. I don't go around shopping for the best cosmetics or the expensive bags. I spend my time feeling like inadequate because there are too many MDs and PhDs and these people with 100+ years of experience in the company and i never feel like i'll get to where i want to be. And i dont know how i can be with all of the people i love all at the same time. That's kind of like how i spend my time right now.
So in short, i say this now and i think i would tell my daughter the same too. Knowledge is power. Don't ever feel like you need to compete with your peers on how hot you look. Because looks will get old. Knowledge won't. Your experiences will only get you more respected and farther in the area you work in. Learn what you want to learned and push yourself as hard as you can when you are young. You can always learn about dressing nice or putting on make up along the way, but don't make that the focus of your life. You don't need to envy the 貴婦 if you can be one yourself. and you have the power to marry whoever you want, and not some 50 year old dude who most likely are not physically attractive but with lots of money. and you never have to worry about growing wrinkles or having 副乳 or looking tan or whatever it is that people try to make Asian women feel bad about. and then when you stop giving a s**t about everything, people will tell you you've got that 氣質 they can't describe. ;)
Ok, i think that makes me sound even more like a feminist what i just wrote. ;) I just think in general there's big mistakes in how people educate their children or think about themselves. And then they end up paying for those mistakes later in their lives, or become unusually obsessed with people who they think have the qualities they want. You don't have to live in a cycle like this if you snip the bud in the head. I realize that i've been extremely lucky in that my family provided me with the resources that i needed in order to excel. If i wasn't given everything that i had i wouldn't become this woman that i am right now. At the same time, i've worked darn hard for what i have too. Like i said before....being super sad and nerdy for the majority of my life, enduring the pain of being away from my family for 13 years, enduring the pain of being in a foreign country in high school and had like no friends. I could have easily become a 玩咖 and just gotten a crappy degree in fashion/chinese studies and dated someone foreign and learned inproper English and just squander money. But i don't envy people who are like that, and in some way i always think you pay for those choices you make in life. If that's what i had done, i wouldn't have a job i love in the exact industry i want and doing what i want.
Ok....should proably find a way to finish this post. ;) I am just saying that, these compliments are getting to a point that they are not making me happy or flattered, just confused. People seem to think grass on the other side is greener and i don't agree with that. I don't think i'm that worth complimenting, i just try really hard and give up a lot of things in life. so i guess you can say i'm very 高拐 (台語). I only want sincere compliments. :)
A quick thought before i'm off to bed. Something i've been wanting to comment.
So lately i've noticed that a lot of people have been, well, paying me a lot of compliments. And it's odd to me because it happens to my two sisters a lot, and not so much myself. These compliments usually center around, my look, my 氣質, my brain, my clothes...the list goes on and on.
So i've always advised my sister K that, don't believe everything you're told, esp these compliments. Mainly because that's how i look at these things. I can't seem to understand why people would go out of their way to do that. and i mean, REALLY go out of their way to do that. I'm not being sensitive, but the dry clean people tell me that everytime i stop by, they love my clothes, love the way i put on my make up, love the way i present myself...i almost have to quickly find an excuse to leave. And the same thing happens at work too, i don't work DIRECTLY with the people in the office. But i do care about the way i look, so i definitely maintain a business-casual look, ALWAYS wearing a trouser or a suit skirt on any day,and a full suit on a formal day.
So they say that i exert this feeling that they can't describe (note that i had my hair up in a 鯊魚夾 when i am on my computer, and my seat is in plain view to everyone. and i really just didn't give a damn because i dont like hair in my face when i type. So then of course when i take it off my hair is not nice and tame like everybody else, but again, that's been my look for ages, the messy hair look because i dont' have much hair and like to create volume. Even THAT people say they admire.
I am feeling VERY suspicious about all this. Call me a cynic but from the US i don't think people would voluntarily compliment someone like that. like they almost idolize you. They might do that to a really beautiful woman because they want something. but i dont understand what they can possibly get from me. I'm not saying this because i'm ungrateful and would rather that everybody hates me, but i just don't think that it is NORMAL, unless it comes from your close friend or your family. because THEY tell you the truth and what they really think.
In general, i think it's easier for taiwanese people to idolize a person who they think is 'cool'. they idolize people who look really pretty, they idolize people who get to live in a foreign country, they idolize foreign people (that's why it's 老外天堂), they idolize rich people, they idolize the 貴婦...so on and so forth. you get the point. So that's how i attribute this phenomenon to. Because i've recently moved back and i probably am not 'poor' to their standards and i dress in nice clothes and i probably don't look half bad and i have a high post-graduate degree...so they think that they are obliged to pay me compliments. Again, i'm not being ungreatful, but shouldn't these be goals you set for yourself?
I don't take anything i have for granted. And i know the process that's happened in order for me to get these things. I think it's really sad that, for girls in taiwan, there's this TREMENDOUS pressure to look 正. I honestly don't give a crap about looking 正. I care about what's inside of my head. That's why for the longest time i've looked like the biggest nerd full of acnes and crappy clothes and without a bf. But all of that didn't bother me back then. Becauase i liked the science and i've always known that i wanted to be something and love what i do. And fashion and beauty just weren't the focus of my life. So now i'm a bit older, i've learned how to dress myself, and after 10+ years of trials and error i've finally gotten my skin under control. And i am now earning money to pay for the clothes that i can afford to look professional. I think these things just happened in an order that i expect them to happen. I never thought it was important for me to look hot at 18 and date lots of guys.
I've noticed that most TW girls i've come in contact with or seen on TV, really can go on and on about beauty and clothes and guys and whatnot, and there seems to be this obsession with 孫芸芸 (or any second generation from a big corporate). And i only pretend i'm interested in these topics. Truthfully, most of the time i am too concerned/worried about work and my future to spare my time to think that. Once in a while i'll find something i really like, and i stick with it. I don't go around shopping for the best cosmetics or the expensive bags. I spend my time feeling like inadequate because there are too many MDs and PhDs and these people with 100+ years of experience in the company and i never feel like i'll get to where i want to be. And i dont know how i can be with all of the people i love all at the same time. That's kind of like how i spend my time right now.
So in short, i say this now and i think i would tell my daughter the same too. Knowledge is power. Don't ever feel like you need to compete with your peers on how hot you look. Because looks will get old. Knowledge won't. Your experiences will only get you more respected and farther in the area you work in. Learn what you want to learned and push yourself as hard as you can when you are young. You can always learn about dressing nice or putting on make up along the way, but don't make that the focus of your life. You don't need to envy the 貴婦 if you can be one yourself. and you have the power to marry whoever you want, and not some 50 year old dude who most likely are not physically attractive but with lots of money. and you never have to worry about growing wrinkles or having 副乳 or looking tan or whatever it is that people try to make Asian women feel bad about. and then when you stop giving a s**t about everything, people will tell you you've got that 氣質 they can't describe. ;)
Ok, i think that makes me sound even more like a feminist what i just wrote. ;) I just think in general there's big mistakes in how people educate their children or think about themselves. And then they end up paying for those mistakes later in their lives, or become unusually obsessed with people who they think have the qualities they want. You don't have to live in a cycle like this if you snip the bud in the head. I realize that i've been extremely lucky in that my family provided me with the resources that i needed in order to excel. If i wasn't given everything that i had i wouldn't become this woman that i am right now. At the same time, i've worked darn hard for what i have too. Like i said before....being super sad and nerdy for the majority of my life, enduring the pain of being away from my family for 13 years, enduring the pain of being in a foreign country in high school and had like no friends. I could have easily become a 玩咖 and just gotten a crappy degree in fashion/chinese studies and dated someone foreign and learned inproper English and just squander money. But i don't envy people who are like that, and in some way i always think you pay for those choices you make in life. If that's what i had done, i wouldn't have a job i love in the exact industry i want and doing what i want.
Ok....should proably find a way to finish this post. ;) I am just saying that, these compliments are getting to a point that they are not making me happy or flattered, just confused. People seem to think grass on the other side is greener and i don't agree with that. I don't think i'm that worth complimenting, i just try really hard and give up a lot of things in life. so i guess you can say i'm very 高拐 (台語). I only want sincere compliments. :)
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Work stuff and Halloween
Just returned from a super productive and wonderful week in SH...got a lot accomplished. Met the newest team members, continued to build relationship/met with existing colleagues in China, saw my US colleague which was a super surreal experience, and REALLY enjoyed time with the regional team which includes my boss and these other people who are based elsewhere. Basically, everyone was in SH with me last week and I finally stopped feeling like i belonged no where.
Since I started this job, although slowly, i can see that i've made some progress over the past 4 months. I've now earned the trust of my boss and most people I work with in China, and my job is starting to deviate away from the mindless work which i had to put up with initially (such as producing meeting minutes that are 20 pages long). I am now doing stuff that i can start to appreciate which would sound nice on my CV. And my chinese colleagues are now turning to me for questions about ppublication and information from global. And people are finally including me in their email communications and thinking of me when they hold future meetings and recognizing my effort. As if that wasn't good enough, people from the Chinese medical association finally got back to me on Friday with the document i need ( i thought i would never hear back, since i requested it 3 weeks ago and called everyday since). Last week definitely felt like Xmas. I must say.
When i finally landed in Taipei late Friday, i was somewhat exhausted, but in a way i felt really good, and i also wonder how i was able to travel this much and still feel the way i do. And then BANG...today i'm feverish and my nose is runny and i am sore all over. I think my adrenaline kicked in until the minute i got home. Otherwise i was carrying a lot of stuff and running around the office and the airport yesterday, but i didn't feel a thing then.
Think i am just going to rest up and take it easy for a while. although i'm blessed with having my mom's gene which allows me to rest quickly and regenerate, work is not everything. I probably should feel bad about spending my first Halloween in Taiwan as an adult feeling sick, but i am kind of glad to just be lying around at home with a hot cup of tea. :) Plus i've always been somewhat anti-halloween anyway. ;) No need to feel the pressure to buy slutty adult costume this year to be peer-pressued into going to a party with guys who dress like pimps.
Yeah, i am a pretty uptight person, i guess. ;)
p.s. Edit: just to prove that i wasn't a super uptight Miss NO, here are the past Halloween things i've participated:
House party as a witch
Club as a flapper
Bar and entered the costume contest as the 80's girl/Madonna (NJ)
House party (NJ)
West Hollywood parade as a French maid (the non-slutty kind)
And i go to the Halloween haunts at amusement parks almost every year
Since I started this job, although slowly, i can see that i've made some progress over the past 4 months. I've now earned the trust of my boss and most people I work with in China, and my job is starting to deviate away from the mindless work which i had to put up with initially (such as producing meeting minutes that are 20 pages long). I am now doing stuff that i can start to appreciate which would sound nice on my CV. And my chinese colleagues are now turning to me for questions about ppublication and information from global. And people are finally including me in their email communications and thinking of me when they hold future meetings and recognizing my effort. As if that wasn't good enough, people from the Chinese medical association finally got back to me on Friday with the document i need ( i thought i would never hear back, since i requested it 3 weeks ago and called everyday since). Last week definitely felt like Xmas. I must say.
When i finally landed in Taipei late Friday, i was somewhat exhausted, but in a way i felt really good, and i also wonder how i was able to travel this much and still feel the way i do. And then BANG...today i'm feverish and my nose is runny and i am sore all over. I think my adrenaline kicked in until the minute i got home. Otherwise i was carrying a lot of stuff and running around the office and the airport yesterday, but i didn't feel a thing then.
Think i am just going to rest up and take it easy for a while. although i'm blessed with having my mom's gene which allows me to rest quickly and regenerate, work is not everything. I probably should feel bad about spending my first Halloween in Taiwan as an adult feeling sick, but i am kind of glad to just be lying around at home with a hot cup of tea. :) Plus i've always been somewhat anti-halloween anyway. ;) No need to feel the pressure to buy slutty adult costume this year to be peer-pressued into going to a party with guys who dress like pimps.
Yeah, i am a pretty uptight person, i guess. ;)
p.s. Edit: just to prove that i wasn't a super uptight Miss NO, here are the past Halloween things i've participated:
House party as a witch
Club as a flapper
Bar and entered the costume contest as the 80's girl/Madonna (NJ)
House party (NJ)
West Hollywood parade as a French maid (the non-slutty kind)
And i go to the Halloween haunts at amusement parks almost every year
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