ugh! the 9 days of consecutive Chinese New Year vacation is over as of 1 minute ago. Darn!
A quick reflection before i am off to bed until the dreadful monday.
I spent the day with my maternal grandma and auntie and cousins, and my parents. and i saw them just a week ago because my grandma was in Taipei to visit. I have to say, i've REALLY enjoyed family time thus far. This compared to last year is like heaven to hell. I think about this sometimes, how fortunate i am to be able to live here, during this time, and see everyone while they are still alive and well, when my parents are still healthy and can enjoy the good food and places we visit.
Even visits to the malls feel different. Yes there's a lot of good shopping in the US. and cheap discount shopping. But i enjoy shopping with people who i care about a lot more. I can shop alone, in fact i don't mind shopping alone at all. I get more done within a short time. Whether it's shopping for xmas gifts, clothes, shoes, or books. But i'm kind of over that now. visiting B&N, Ross, Marshalls, nordstrom Rack, Malls, Starbucks...and those places alone. I don't think alone means 'lonely' necessarily. Rather i just become a very efficient robot, i go in, i get things done, and i leave. There is no fun in it anymore because i've become somewhat jaded. But i suppose everything in Asia is still new to me. It's new in a way that there's ao many varieties here, and old in a way that things and places and people are still very familiar to me, i'm just looking at them with a new set of eyes and attitude. For some reason, i enjoy it a lot more. Even if i was just window shopping.
I guess what i am trying to say is, i really enjoying being 'home' in taiwan. i can make plans and actually see relatives who i've wanted to see for a long time. and it's no longer 'i will call you next time i come back - in six months'. rather it's 'next week'. And when we meet next time they bring me a lot of things, foods my grandma had prepared for me, and we meet at a restaurant near their home that they're dying to take me to. And afterward we walk around the mall some more, go back to either their or our place and sit around the living room, watching new year's special and chat about random nothings. and eat chinese candies.
Just pieces of memories i forgot how much i enjoyed before.
I don't know what my next step is. And as my uncle said when i explained the whole job situation to him (work is trying to make me move again, and i said no to China --details to come in tomorrow's post), and he said, are you sure it's the right decision? I paused for a second because i asked myself that question many times before. but i know that for now, it IS the right decision.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, November 6, 2011
a quick thought (of many) before i am off the bed
Been terrible at maintaining my blog again...sorry
A quick thought before i'm off to bed. Something i've been wanting to comment.
So lately i've noticed that a lot of people have been, well, paying me a lot of compliments. And it's odd to me because it happens to my two sisters a lot, and not so much myself. These compliments usually center around, my look, my 氣質, my brain, my clothes...the list goes on and on.
So i've always advised my sister K that, don't believe everything you're told, esp these compliments. Mainly because that's how i look at these things. I can't seem to understand why people would go out of their way to do that. and i mean, REALLY go out of their way to do that. I'm not being sensitive, but the dry clean people tell me that everytime i stop by, they love my clothes, love the way i put on my make up, love the way i present myself...i almost have to quickly find an excuse to leave. And the same thing happens at work too, i don't work DIRECTLY with the people in the office. But i do care about the way i look, so i definitely maintain a business-casual look, ALWAYS wearing a trouser or a suit skirt on any day,and a full suit on a formal day.
So they say that i exert this feeling that they can't describe (note that i had my hair up in a 鯊魚夾 when i am on my computer, and my seat is in plain view to everyone. and i really just didn't give a damn because i dont like hair in my face when i type. So then of course when i take it off my hair is not nice and tame like everybody else, but again, that's been my look for ages, the messy hair look because i dont' have much hair and like to create volume. Even THAT people say they admire.
I am feeling VERY suspicious about all this. Call me a cynic but from the US i don't think people would voluntarily compliment someone like that. like they almost idolize you. They might do that to a really beautiful woman because they want something. but i dont understand what they can possibly get from me. I'm not saying this because i'm ungrateful and would rather that everybody hates me, but i just don't think that it is NORMAL, unless it comes from your close friend or your family. because THEY tell you the truth and what they really think.
In general, i think it's easier for taiwanese people to idolize a person who they think is 'cool'. they idolize people who look really pretty, they idolize people who get to live in a foreign country, they idolize foreign people (that's why it's 老外天堂), they idolize rich people, they idolize the 貴婦...so on and so forth. you get the point. So that's how i attribute this phenomenon to. Because i've recently moved back and i probably am not 'poor' to their standards and i dress in nice clothes and i probably don't look half bad and i have a high post-graduate degree...so they think that they are obliged to pay me compliments. Again, i'm not being ungreatful, but shouldn't these be goals you set for yourself?
I don't take anything i have for granted. And i know the process that's happened in order for me to get these things. I think it's really sad that, for girls in taiwan, there's this TREMENDOUS pressure to look 正. I honestly don't give a crap about looking 正. I care about what's inside of my head. That's why for the longest time i've looked like the biggest nerd full of acnes and crappy clothes and without a bf. But all of that didn't bother me back then. Becauase i liked the science and i've always known that i wanted to be something and love what i do. And fashion and beauty just weren't the focus of my life. So now i'm a bit older, i've learned how to dress myself, and after 10+ years of trials and error i've finally gotten my skin under control. And i am now earning money to pay for the clothes that i can afford to look professional. I think these things just happened in an order that i expect them to happen. I never thought it was important for me to look hot at 18 and date lots of guys.
I've noticed that most TW girls i've come in contact with or seen on TV, really can go on and on about beauty and clothes and guys and whatnot, and there seems to be this obsession with 孫芸芸 (or any second generation from a big corporate). And i only pretend i'm interested in these topics. Truthfully, most of the time i am too concerned/worried about work and my future to spare my time to think that. Once in a while i'll find something i really like, and i stick with it. I don't go around shopping for the best cosmetics or the expensive bags. I spend my time feeling like inadequate because there are too many MDs and PhDs and these people with 100+ years of experience in the company and i never feel like i'll get to where i want to be. And i dont know how i can be with all of the people i love all at the same time. That's kind of like how i spend my time right now.
So in short, i say this now and i think i would tell my daughter the same too. Knowledge is power. Don't ever feel like you need to compete with your peers on how hot you look. Because looks will get old. Knowledge won't. Your experiences will only get you more respected and farther in the area you work in. Learn what you want to learned and push yourself as hard as you can when you are young. You can always learn about dressing nice or putting on make up along the way, but don't make that the focus of your life. You don't need to envy the 貴婦 if you can be one yourself. and you have the power to marry whoever you want, and not some 50 year old dude who most likely are not physically attractive but with lots of money. and you never have to worry about growing wrinkles or having 副乳 or looking tan or whatever it is that people try to make Asian women feel bad about. and then when you stop giving a s**t about everything, people will tell you you've got that 氣質 they can't describe. ;)
Ok, i think that makes me sound even more like a feminist what i just wrote. ;) I just think in general there's big mistakes in how people educate their children or think about themselves. And then they end up paying for those mistakes later in their lives, or become unusually obsessed with people who they think have the qualities they want. You don't have to live in a cycle like this if you snip the bud in the head. I realize that i've been extremely lucky in that my family provided me with the resources that i needed in order to excel. If i wasn't given everything that i had i wouldn't become this woman that i am right now. At the same time, i've worked darn hard for what i have too. Like i said before....being super sad and nerdy for the majority of my life, enduring the pain of being away from my family for 13 years, enduring the pain of being in a foreign country in high school and had like no friends. I could have easily become a 玩咖 and just gotten a crappy degree in fashion/chinese studies and dated someone foreign and learned inproper English and just squander money. But i don't envy people who are like that, and in some way i always think you pay for those choices you make in life. If that's what i had done, i wouldn't have a job i love in the exact industry i want and doing what i want.
Ok....should proably find a way to finish this post. ;) I am just saying that, these compliments are getting to a point that they are not making me happy or flattered, just confused. People seem to think grass on the other side is greener and i don't agree with that. I don't think i'm that worth complimenting, i just try really hard and give up a lot of things in life. so i guess you can say i'm very 高拐 (台語). I only want sincere compliments. :)
A quick thought before i'm off to bed. Something i've been wanting to comment.
So lately i've noticed that a lot of people have been, well, paying me a lot of compliments. And it's odd to me because it happens to my two sisters a lot, and not so much myself. These compliments usually center around, my look, my 氣質, my brain, my clothes...the list goes on and on.
So i've always advised my sister K that, don't believe everything you're told, esp these compliments. Mainly because that's how i look at these things. I can't seem to understand why people would go out of their way to do that. and i mean, REALLY go out of their way to do that. I'm not being sensitive, but the dry clean people tell me that everytime i stop by, they love my clothes, love the way i put on my make up, love the way i present myself...i almost have to quickly find an excuse to leave. And the same thing happens at work too, i don't work DIRECTLY with the people in the office. But i do care about the way i look, so i definitely maintain a business-casual look, ALWAYS wearing a trouser or a suit skirt on any day,and a full suit on a formal day.
So they say that i exert this feeling that they can't describe (note that i had my hair up in a 鯊魚夾 when i am on my computer, and my seat is in plain view to everyone. and i really just didn't give a damn because i dont like hair in my face when i type. So then of course when i take it off my hair is not nice and tame like everybody else, but again, that's been my look for ages, the messy hair look because i dont' have much hair and like to create volume. Even THAT people say they admire.
I am feeling VERY suspicious about all this. Call me a cynic but from the US i don't think people would voluntarily compliment someone like that. like they almost idolize you. They might do that to a really beautiful woman because they want something. but i dont understand what they can possibly get from me. I'm not saying this because i'm ungrateful and would rather that everybody hates me, but i just don't think that it is NORMAL, unless it comes from your close friend or your family. because THEY tell you the truth and what they really think.
In general, i think it's easier for taiwanese people to idolize a person who they think is 'cool'. they idolize people who look really pretty, they idolize people who get to live in a foreign country, they idolize foreign people (that's why it's 老外天堂), they idolize rich people, they idolize the 貴婦...so on and so forth. you get the point. So that's how i attribute this phenomenon to. Because i've recently moved back and i probably am not 'poor' to their standards and i dress in nice clothes and i probably don't look half bad and i have a high post-graduate degree...so they think that they are obliged to pay me compliments. Again, i'm not being ungreatful, but shouldn't these be goals you set for yourself?
I don't take anything i have for granted. And i know the process that's happened in order for me to get these things. I think it's really sad that, for girls in taiwan, there's this TREMENDOUS pressure to look 正. I honestly don't give a crap about looking 正. I care about what's inside of my head. That's why for the longest time i've looked like the biggest nerd full of acnes and crappy clothes and without a bf. But all of that didn't bother me back then. Becauase i liked the science and i've always known that i wanted to be something and love what i do. And fashion and beauty just weren't the focus of my life. So now i'm a bit older, i've learned how to dress myself, and after 10+ years of trials and error i've finally gotten my skin under control. And i am now earning money to pay for the clothes that i can afford to look professional. I think these things just happened in an order that i expect them to happen. I never thought it was important for me to look hot at 18 and date lots of guys.
I've noticed that most TW girls i've come in contact with or seen on TV, really can go on and on about beauty and clothes and guys and whatnot, and there seems to be this obsession with 孫芸芸 (or any second generation from a big corporate). And i only pretend i'm interested in these topics. Truthfully, most of the time i am too concerned/worried about work and my future to spare my time to think that. Once in a while i'll find something i really like, and i stick with it. I don't go around shopping for the best cosmetics or the expensive bags. I spend my time feeling like inadequate because there are too many MDs and PhDs and these people with 100+ years of experience in the company and i never feel like i'll get to where i want to be. And i dont know how i can be with all of the people i love all at the same time. That's kind of like how i spend my time right now.
So in short, i say this now and i think i would tell my daughter the same too. Knowledge is power. Don't ever feel like you need to compete with your peers on how hot you look. Because looks will get old. Knowledge won't. Your experiences will only get you more respected and farther in the area you work in. Learn what you want to learned and push yourself as hard as you can when you are young. You can always learn about dressing nice or putting on make up along the way, but don't make that the focus of your life. You don't need to envy the 貴婦 if you can be one yourself. and you have the power to marry whoever you want, and not some 50 year old dude who most likely are not physically attractive but with lots of money. and you never have to worry about growing wrinkles or having 副乳 or looking tan or whatever it is that people try to make Asian women feel bad about. and then when you stop giving a s**t about everything, people will tell you you've got that 氣質 they can't describe. ;)
Ok, i think that makes me sound even more like a feminist what i just wrote. ;) I just think in general there's big mistakes in how people educate their children or think about themselves. And then they end up paying for those mistakes later in their lives, or become unusually obsessed with people who they think have the qualities they want. You don't have to live in a cycle like this if you snip the bud in the head. I realize that i've been extremely lucky in that my family provided me with the resources that i needed in order to excel. If i wasn't given everything that i had i wouldn't become this woman that i am right now. At the same time, i've worked darn hard for what i have too. Like i said before....being super sad and nerdy for the majority of my life, enduring the pain of being away from my family for 13 years, enduring the pain of being in a foreign country in high school and had like no friends. I could have easily become a 玩咖 and just gotten a crappy degree in fashion/chinese studies and dated someone foreign and learned inproper English and just squander money. But i don't envy people who are like that, and in some way i always think you pay for those choices you make in life. If that's what i had done, i wouldn't have a job i love in the exact industry i want and doing what i want.
Ok....should proably find a way to finish this post. ;) I am just saying that, these compliments are getting to a point that they are not making me happy or flattered, just confused. People seem to think grass on the other side is greener and i don't agree with that. I don't think i'm that worth complimenting, i just try really hard and give up a lot of things in life. so i guess you can say i'm very 高拐 (台語). I only want sincere compliments. :)
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Work stuff and Halloween
Just returned from a super productive and wonderful week in SH...got a lot accomplished. Met the newest team members, continued to build relationship/met with existing colleagues in China, saw my US colleague which was a super surreal experience, and REALLY enjoyed time with the regional team which includes my boss and these other people who are based elsewhere. Basically, everyone was in SH with me last week and I finally stopped feeling like i belonged no where.
Since I started this job, although slowly, i can see that i've made some progress over the past 4 months. I've now earned the trust of my boss and most people I work with in China, and my job is starting to deviate away from the mindless work which i had to put up with initially (such as producing meeting minutes that are 20 pages long). I am now doing stuff that i can start to appreciate which would sound nice on my CV. And my chinese colleagues are now turning to me for questions about ppublication and information from global. And people are finally including me in their email communications and thinking of me when they hold future meetings and recognizing my effort. As if that wasn't good enough, people from the Chinese medical association finally got back to me on Friday with the document i need ( i thought i would never hear back, since i requested it 3 weeks ago and called everyday since). Last week definitely felt like Xmas. I must say.
When i finally landed in Taipei late Friday, i was somewhat exhausted, but in a way i felt really good, and i also wonder how i was able to travel this much and still feel the way i do. And then BANG...today i'm feverish and my nose is runny and i am sore all over. I think my adrenaline kicked in until the minute i got home. Otherwise i was carrying a lot of stuff and running around the office and the airport yesterday, but i didn't feel a thing then.
Think i am just going to rest up and take it easy for a while. although i'm blessed with having my mom's gene which allows me to rest quickly and regenerate, work is not everything. I probably should feel bad about spending my first Halloween in Taiwan as an adult feeling sick, but i am kind of glad to just be lying around at home with a hot cup of tea. :) Plus i've always been somewhat anti-halloween anyway. ;) No need to feel the pressure to buy slutty adult costume this year to be peer-pressued into going to a party with guys who dress like pimps.
Yeah, i am a pretty uptight person, i guess. ;)
p.s. Edit: just to prove that i wasn't a super uptight Miss NO, here are the past Halloween things i've participated:
House party as a witch
Club as a flapper
Bar and entered the costume contest as the 80's girl/Madonna (NJ)
House party (NJ)
West Hollywood parade as a French maid (the non-slutty kind)
And i go to the Halloween haunts at amusement parks almost every year
Since I started this job, although slowly, i can see that i've made some progress over the past 4 months. I've now earned the trust of my boss and most people I work with in China, and my job is starting to deviate away from the mindless work which i had to put up with initially (such as producing meeting minutes that are 20 pages long). I am now doing stuff that i can start to appreciate which would sound nice on my CV. And my chinese colleagues are now turning to me for questions about ppublication and information from global. And people are finally including me in their email communications and thinking of me when they hold future meetings and recognizing my effort. As if that wasn't good enough, people from the Chinese medical association finally got back to me on Friday with the document i need ( i thought i would never hear back, since i requested it 3 weeks ago and called everyday since). Last week definitely felt like Xmas. I must say.
When i finally landed in Taipei late Friday, i was somewhat exhausted, but in a way i felt really good, and i also wonder how i was able to travel this much and still feel the way i do. And then BANG...today i'm feverish and my nose is runny and i am sore all over. I think my adrenaline kicked in until the minute i got home. Otherwise i was carrying a lot of stuff and running around the office and the airport yesterday, but i didn't feel a thing then.
Think i am just going to rest up and take it easy for a while. although i'm blessed with having my mom's gene which allows me to rest quickly and regenerate, work is not everything. I probably should feel bad about spending my first Halloween in Taiwan as an adult feeling sick, but i am kind of glad to just be lying around at home with a hot cup of tea. :) Plus i've always been somewhat anti-halloween anyway. ;) No need to feel the pressure to buy slutty adult costume this year to be peer-pressued into going to a party with guys who dress like pimps.
Yeah, i am a pretty uptight person, i guess. ;)
p.s. Edit: just to prove that i wasn't a super uptight Miss NO, here are the past Halloween things i've participated:
House party as a witch
Club as a flapper
Bar and entered the costume contest as the 80's girl/Madonna (NJ)
House party (NJ)
West Hollywood parade as a French maid (the non-slutty kind)
And i go to the Halloween haunts at amusement parks almost every year
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
No. 2 - "Please just enjoy the ride"
I need to remind myself of that.
stop worrying about where you will be after this year, after 2 years. Stop thinking that if things don't work out in Taiwan, you MIGHT want to move back to the US. And how guilty that will make you feel about leaving your parents.
Stop thinking about that things may NOT work out in taiwan. You haven't even started.
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, does that mean you will grow old and die here? what about marriage? who are you going to marry? you know so little about taiwanese guys? and You haven't been around them long enough to see if you can actually fall in love with one? There's so much unknown!
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, bc of the sheer size of Taiwan, you may have to choose to find a job that will allow you to stay in taiwan (not China), and that your US/global experience will go to waste. you don't even know that.
Stop feeling anxious before every trip to China. Stop resenting some aspects of it. Yes, some cities and some meetings and some people are quite horrible. But please just try to enjoy the ride. You may never get this chance again.
Stop feeling sad because you realize you may never go back to Jersey. You hated most of Jersey.
Stop missing the boy.
Stop missing the US. that way you will never learn to get rooted again in tw.
you've been given a second chance at it. So please just enjoy the ride. enjoy your time with your parents, enjoy the company of your childhood friends and the sights and sounds of the city you grew up in.
Stop wondering about the what if's. a big part of my young adult life is missing. But i'm here, now.
stop worrying about where you will be after this year, after 2 years. Stop thinking that if things don't work out in Taiwan, you MIGHT want to move back to the US. And how guilty that will make you feel about leaving your parents.
Stop thinking about that things may NOT work out in taiwan. You haven't even started.
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, does that mean you will grow old and die here? what about marriage? who are you going to marry? you know so little about taiwanese guys? and You haven't been around them long enough to see if you can actually fall in love with one? There's so much unknown!
Stop thinking that if things DO work out, bc of the sheer size of Taiwan, you may have to choose to find a job that will allow you to stay in taiwan (not China), and that your US/global experience will go to waste. you don't even know that.
Stop feeling anxious before every trip to China. Stop resenting some aspects of it. Yes, some cities and some meetings and some people are quite horrible. But please just try to enjoy the ride. You may never get this chance again.
Stop feeling sad because you realize you may never go back to Jersey. You hated most of Jersey.
Stop missing the boy.
Stop missing the US. that way you will never learn to get rooted again in tw.
you've been given a second chance at it. So please just enjoy the ride. enjoy your time with your parents, enjoy the company of your childhood friends and the sights and sounds of the city you grew up in.
Stop wondering about the what if's. a big part of my young adult life is missing. But i'm here, now.
No. 1 - 離的還不夠遠
離的還不夠遠
that was the first thought that ran through my mind when i heard his voice.
Apparently, it still made me cringe and uncomfortable. His voice.
Unfortunately, because I am still supporting the same products, I still attend some of the same teleconferences which he is a part of. and i participated for the first time since i moved back. and he spoke.
I called in late. so i missed my chance to announce my attendance at the beginning of the call. I felt that throughout the meeting, something caught my throat.
and the thought just kept running through my head: i can't get far away enough.
Even though I am half a globe away. I need to rid myself of all things and sounds that remind me of him. I need to move the 'archive folder' with his name to the bottom of the list. I need to stop wondering if he will be at the same diabetes conferences.
I need to stop giving a $h*t about everything about him. (excuse the language)
The trouble is, it's so hard for me to fall for someone, and once i'm fallen, it's also hard for me to get out. Aren't I glad we didn't actually go out?
So i guess the next step is to just hope that the next one comes along faster. What's the saying, it takes one to get over one.
the sad thing is, it's all about work now. all the time.
that was the first thought that ran through my mind when i heard his voice.
Apparently, it still made me cringe and uncomfortable. His voice.
Unfortunately, because I am still supporting the same products, I still attend some of the same teleconferences which he is a part of. and i participated for the first time since i moved back. and he spoke.
I called in late. so i missed my chance to announce my attendance at the beginning of the call. I felt that throughout the meeting, something caught my throat.
and the thought just kept running through my head: i can't get far away enough.
Even though I am half a globe away. I need to rid myself of all things and sounds that remind me of him. I need to move the 'archive folder' with his name to the bottom of the list. I need to stop wondering if he will be at the same diabetes conferences.
I need to stop giving a $h*t about everything about him. (excuse the language)
The trouble is, it's so hard for me to fall for someone, and once i'm fallen, it's also hard for me to get out. Aren't I glad we didn't actually go out?
So i guess the next step is to just hope that the next one comes along faster. What's the saying, it takes one to get over one.
the sad thing is, it's all about work now. all the time.
mini blogs times three! 迷你網誌三連發
bc i have been lying about updating...and today i actually have a few min before I force myself to go to bed. I will update. really quickly. about three random mini thoughts that have been lingering in my head.
For the first time. My life in Taiwan. 13 years later.
For the first time. My life in Taiwan. 13 years later.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Last night in the US (story about a boy)
As I sit here reminiscing about the past 2 months, everything literally turned into a blur. I remember finding out about the job, counting down to my last day at work, one farewell dinner/lunch after another in NJ/SD/LA, tearing by myself, seeing the boy, packing, more fare well dinners with friends and family, more tearing up by myself, and more packing....somewhere in the middle i think i really wanted to shoot myself. Somehow the initial joy of getting the job is swallowed by the fear of the immediate move and the unknown future.
quite honestly, i still dont know what decision is the RIGHT decision in life. I just have to keep moving forward, and hope for the best.
I am extremely fearful at this moment. People seem to have more faith in me than i have in myself. I know what i am capable of and what i am not, but they don't know that.
Mostly i think i know that emotionally i am a lot less tough than people perceive me as. I'd like to think that i can just pick up and move wherever and live life with no regrets and be great at my job, but i secretly also wonder if i long for stability, and not having to choose any more in my life.
I think i will have a lot more to write about. about this past year, about events leading up to the past year, about all of the missing entries i should have put in. but i think i will need some time to digest all the information. I will need some time to really grief about the really down days i had, and will sprinkle a few uplifting ones in between. overall, i am relieved that it's over. and the outcome is such.
In short, i think I make it a goal that i want to touch as many lives as possible, every time i spend time with someone. I want to be available to everyone. As i said to my sister today during lunch, dating someone or not, i feel really lucky that I am surrounded by this many people who i love and who care for me. I am lucky to have touched so many lives and have they feel the same in return. I am very blessed in that sense and because of that, i feel that my life is pretty complete.
At the same time, I always feel bad about leaving. I am horrible at saying goodbyes, I tear up easily. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i can feel the sentimentality to its fullest and really thank everyone for being a part of my life. Being my friend through the horrible high school years, being my friend through college, being my friend through the most boring pharmacy school and its rotations, and being my support system when i was in new jersey. I wish i had more time to go around and really catch up with everybody.
Oh, and yes, the story about a boy. Was there only one boy? well...there were a couple during my time in the US. But none of them amounted to anything. At the end of the day, I am still pretty single to move around. The most recent boy, who i have blogged about before, who became my manager, who i could not read if he likes me or not. We ran into each other at the meeting in San Diego, and hung out a few times. I still couldnt read him, and my defense mechanism got the best of me, and i pretty much acted like a porcupine with my ever-teasing jokes, which sounded semi-offensive to my friend who happened to be present at the time. My immaturity and insecurity got the best of me. So that was sort of the end of the story. We just left it at that. I suppose I will never find out if we really had a chance, given that I am moving far, far away, as i always do. Yes, i will find someone new, someone Taiwanese, as people say. Maybe I will, maybe i won't. I don't really know. But that was the end of the story about a boy.
The truth is, i have this great opportunity ahead of me. I have to leave to be somewhere far, far away, and i am scared out of my mind. i hate the word 'never'. I never want to never see somebody i care for. Whether it be my own parents, my family in the US, my close friends on both coasts, or my childhood friends from Taiwan.
If i can put everyone i love in a box and take with me wherever i go, I think i would.
quite honestly, i still dont know what decision is the RIGHT decision in life. I just have to keep moving forward, and hope for the best.
I am extremely fearful at this moment. People seem to have more faith in me than i have in myself. I know what i am capable of and what i am not, but they don't know that.
Mostly i think i know that emotionally i am a lot less tough than people perceive me as. I'd like to think that i can just pick up and move wherever and live life with no regrets and be great at my job, but i secretly also wonder if i long for stability, and not having to choose any more in my life.
I think i will have a lot more to write about. about this past year, about events leading up to the past year, about all of the missing entries i should have put in. but i think i will need some time to digest all the information. I will need some time to really grief about the really down days i had, and will sprinkle a few uplifting ones in between. overall, i am relieved that it's over. and the outcome is such.
In short, i think I make it a goal that i want to touch as many lives as possible, every time i spend time with someone. I want to be available to everyone. As i said to my sister today during lunch, dating someone or not, i feel really lucky that I am surrounded by this many people who i love and who care for me. I am lucky to have touched so many lives and have they feel the same in return. I am very blessed in that sense and because of that, i feel that my life is pretty complete.
At the same time, I always feel bad about leaving. I am horrible at saying goodbyes, I tear up easily. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i can feel the sentimentality to its fullest and really thank everyone for being a part of my life. Being my friend through the horrible high school years, being my friend through college, being my friend through the most boring pharmacy school and its rotations, and being my support system when i was in new jersey. I wish i had more time to go around and really catch up with everybody.
Oh, and yes, the story about a boy. Was there only one boy? well...there were a couple during my time in the US. But none of them amounted to anything. At the end of the day, I am still pretty single to move around. The most recent boy, who i have blogged about before, who became my manager, who i could not read if he likes me or not. We ran into each other at the meeting in San Diego, and hung out a few times. I still couldnt read him, and my defense mechanism got the best of me, and i pretty much acted like a porcupine with my ever-teasing jokes, which sounded semi-offensive to my friend who happened to be present at the time. My immaturity and insecurity got the best of me. So that was sort of the end of the story. We just left it at that. I suppose I will never find out if we really had a chance, given that I am moving far, far away, as i always do. Yes, i will find someone new, someone Taiwanese, as people say. Maybe I will, maybe i won't. I don't really know. But that was the end of the story about a boy.
The truth is, i have this great opportunity ahead of me. I have to leave to be somewhere far, far away, and i am scared out of my mind. i hate the word 'never'. I never want to never see somebody i care for. Whether it be my own parents, my family in the US, my close friends on both coasts, or my childhood friends from Taiwan.
If i can put everyone i love in a box and take with me wherever i go, I think i would.
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