Last night in the US (story about a boy)

As I sit here reminiscing about the past 2 months, everything literally turned into a blur. I remember finding out about the job, counting down to my last day at work, one farewell dinner/lunch after another in NJ/SD/LA, tearing by myself, seeing the boy, packing, more fare well dinners with friends and family, more tearing up by myself, and more packing....somewhere in the middle i think i really wanted to shoot myself. Somehow the initial joy of getting the job is swallowed by the fear of the immediate move and the unknown future.

quite honestly, i still dont know what decision is the RIGHT decision in life. I just have to keep moving forward, and hope for the best.

I am extremely fearful at this moment. People seem to have more faith in me than i have in myself. I know what i am capable of and what i am not, but they don't know that.

Mostly i think i know that emotionally i am a lot less tough than people perceive me as. I'd like to think that i can just pick up and move wherever and live life with no regrets and be great at my job, but i secretly also wonder if i long for stability, and not having to choose any more in my life.

I think i will have a lot more to write about. about this past year, about events leading up to the past year, about all of the missing entries i should have put in. but i think i will need some time to digest all the information. I will need some time to really grief about the really down days i had, and will sprinkle a few uplifting ones in between. overall, i am relieved that it's over. and the outcome is such.

In short, i think I make it a goal that i want to touch as many lives as possible, every time i spend time with someone. I want to be available to everyone. As i said to my sister today during lunch, dating someone or not, i feel really lucky that I am surrounded by this many people who i love and who care for me. I am lucky to have touched so many lives and have they feel the same in return. I am very blessed in that sense and because of that, i feel that my life is pretty complete.

At the same time, I always feel bad about leaving. I am horrible at saying goodbyes, I tear up easily. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i can feel the sentimentality to its fullest and really thank everyone for being a part of my life. Being my friend through the horrible high school years, being my friend through college, being my friend through the most boring pharmacy school and its rotations, and being my support system when i was in new jersey. I wish i had more time to go around and really catch up with everybody.

Oh, and yes, the story about a boy. Was there only one boy? well...there were a couple during my time in the US. But none of them amounted to anything. At the end of the day, I am still pretty single to move around. The most recent boy, who i have blogged about before, who became my manager, who i could not read if he likes me or not. We ran into each other at the meeting in San Diego, and hung out a few times. I still couldnt read him, and my defense mechanism got the best of me, and i pretty much acted like a porcupine with my ever-teasing jokes, which sounded semi-offensive to my friend who happened to be present at the time. My immaturity and insecurity got the best of me. So that was sort of the end of the story. We just left it at that. I suppose I will never find out if we really had a chance, given that I am moving far, far away, as i always do. Yes, i will find someone new, someone Taiwanese, as people say. Maybe I will, maybe i won't. I don't really know. But that was the end of the story about a boy.

The truth is, i have this great opportunity ahead of me. I have to leave to be somewhere far, far away, and i am scared out of my mind. i hate the word 'never'. I never want to never see somebody i care for. Whether it be my own parents, my family in the US, my close friends on both coasts, or my childhood friends from Taiwan.

If i can put everyone i love in a box and take with me wherever i go, I think i would.

結婚這種事需要計畫嗎

today i had several interesting conversations with my coworker. Not because it's intellectually interesting, rather it's interesting to communicate with people with different views on marriage based cultural/personal beliefs.

So since all the fellows are going through the least fun part of the fellowship (job hunting), she started telling me about this interview she went on today. She was told that basically there is a lot of competition, and that she better has a back-up plan. probably NOT the thing you want to hear from your interviewer when you have high hopes for a job. i was comforting her, telling her the advantages she she has over some of the other candidates i know who are also going for the same position. But honestly, in today's economy, it's very hard to stay positive. She then mentioned that even if she doesn't get the full time position, there might be a contractor position she can go for, and that if she gets it, it might not be a bad thing completely. Since she's always envisioned herself at least being engaged by the end of the 1 year fellowship. So not having a long term commitment to the company, while being a contractor, might be the best thing that can happen right now. So that if she meets someone, and they hit it off and decide to go back to India to get married, she still has that flexibility.

Of course, i was in awe a little bit. Maybe i should say first that she is Inidian, and she practice a particular religion within her community. So i think the norm is that the parents of a guy and a girl would talk to one another first. And if they approve, they will introduce their children to each other. And an engagement/wedding can soon follow. The entire process can take less than 6 months i think. and the couple can spend the majority of their relationship on the phone or via long-distance, before they decide to marry each other. Odd, i know, and risky. But i have to respect their religion. And truthfully marriage that root from free-will has a higher failure rate so who am I to judge?

But then it also made me think, that throughout this fellowship year, or even the year before that, or looking at the next year, the idea of 'marriage' almost never crossed my mind. It's not that i don't think about it, but i don't plan my life around it. To me it's sort of like a car accident, it will happen when it's supposed to happen, regardless the good effort you put it to encourage/prevent it. But then again, I am also wondering why i haven't felt that CALLING. Maybe you do have to set some time aside to think about being married one day, or to set some time a part to plan your life around it. So that other things don't take priority over marriage. Although i think it's somewhat of a bullsh*t idea, but i have to say that in the end i might be the person who is paying for my stubborness.

It's not that i don't go out and meet people, I do and i do that a lot. But you just get to a point where some nights you would prefer to stay in because you are just so sick of these unfruitful encouters, or meeting guys who you like who won't ask you out, or some divorcees who are VERY nice to you that you almost feel guilty about basing your judgement on the fact that he's not great looking and has childrean. It is SO HARD to meet someone who sort of fit that general list of criteria (notice i say GENERAL bc as single girls your'e not really allowed to be picky, or so i'm told).

And then some other lady who's on maternity leave brought in her twin babies. They were adorable and i had fun shaking hands with their chubby arms. But still i like playing with them, not so much having them myself. So apparently, not only have I not felt the marriage calling, i also do not feel very maternal at this point.

So what is wrong with me?

I would like to say nothing. but what if i end up paying for these life choices i make somewhere down the line? Like when i am 35 and single, i will think that I should have pushed myself EVEN MORE, and force myself to go out with people who i don't like as much, or should have asked a guy out MYSELF once or twice. I don't know.

I would like to think (and hope) that things like LOVE does not need to be planned. I am idealistic but i'm not unrealistic. I don't want or need to set 6 months of my life aside so i can focus on making the marriage thing happen. So far i think my strategy has really worked in my favor in terms of career development, but not so much in the dating department. I wonder why....

Of course, as previoiusly mentioned in my other posts, the single biggest bonus about being single is that you can move to wherever the heck it is, and not feel like you're leaving SOMETHIGN behind, or have regrets.

Speaking of the job hunting aspect...the reason why i am so chilled, is because the biggest news had happened for me approximately 3 weeks ago. I just can't disclose it right now. I wish i could. but i can't until have further confirmation. it's GOOD news. it's GREAT news actually. So i am not looking anymore. I just need to finalize a few things.

My sentiments toward my job has not changed...so you know that i'm not staying with my group. Further details will be provided...so just stay tune. but it's a life-changing decision i wish to share with everyone i care for/love. and I am really scared and excited at the same time...

this crush is SO OVER

i hate the fact that things are just a lot easier to come by for better looking guys...

i am calling it a crush because i know that:
1. i'm reading too much into it
2. i spend too much of my time wondering if this certain someone: likes me/has a gf/is potentially gay/is doing something with his time when he's not around/thinks i'm an idiot/thinks i'm too domineering at work
3. i'm blogging way too much about him and wasting my time/brain cells thinking about things in #2

anyway, this crush is SOOOO OVER. i am not going to spend another day analyzing what he did/didn't do. i want my attention/affection to be 'won' and not given.

I might be a good idea if i just go on a self-discovering tour in Europe. there is nothing that a trip to europe cannot cure.

And then maybe a trip to Mexico/Hawaii where i can just sit on the beach and sip a fruity cocktail.

and then i will feel MUCH BETTER about all of this. work, stuff, crush at work...will all be so far away from me.

today is the day i realized that we are not compatible

i must say this is not the first time. but today is the day i realize that we are not compatible. in ways more than one.

apparently when you like someone, you tend to build these fluffy thoughts around them. You think that you have the most interesting conversation with each other. You imagine that you have this connection with him when nobody else does. you imagine that he teases you because he actually likes you and wants to flirts with you. you imagine that when he doesn't talk to you he must think about you from time to time. you imagine that he worries about your well-being. you imagine that he remembers the things you tell him. The reality is, a lot of it is also all in your head. When you really think about it, when you were in deep-shit in the winter, he was nowhere to be found. when you hinted at needing recommendations for places to go in his town (when you can perfectly look this up yourself or ask someone else) he didn't really play along with it. when you texted him at the conference hoping that he'd want to meet for coffee, you got a non-no and non-yes because he was too 'busy'. When you hear him pass by your cube you want him to stop and let that be a sign that he likes you and it doesn't really happen unless it's about work-related thing. you stop your urge of dropping by to say hi 'just because' so that you can see how many days you can go without talking to each other and the # is FOUR because on the fifth day you have weekly 1 on 1 meetings with each other that are previously scheduled. you ask him how his weekend is or anything else for that matter and he discloses only very minimally about places he went and things he did. you think he might still be on-and-off with his gf because they still talk all the time and you suspect that he is seeing someone right now, or worse yet, could be gay, but that is never confirmed. you want him to sit next to you at work functions and he doesn't. he wonder if he would turn around and say hi to you and start talking to you and he doesn't. you're forced to act distant as well because you don't want people (or him) to tell that there is any sign of attachment/immaturity. And then you realize that you really are not all that compatible at all.

yes, he is cute and charming, and is somewhat successful becuase he's been at the right place at the right time. and he shares a similiar background in that he also immigrated later to the US and is still quite in touch with his heritage.

but then you realize that you are just the same, and perhaps even better. you are charming, and you are a warm person who cares about a lot of things and a lot of people. you speak more languages than this dude will ever have the brain capacity for, and you are perfectly clear about what you love and hate about work and who is real and who isn't. you never let anything at work take over your life or your sanity or affect your value system. you believe in being 'nice'. and you want justice to prevail. you work hard and you're continuously learning and you never give up. And you are landing one sweet job after another because you deserve it. you've seen more places in this world than he has in his 26 year of life. and you're a tough cookie who's moved many, many times, for work or school and you're still standing here. you've been extremely lucky and you too, have been at the right place at the right time. and you go out of your way to spend time and help people. your photos are of good food, fun time traveling, and great friends and close family members. whereas his pictures are mostly about his same 5 buddies who also have lived in the same area for the past 26 years. and drinking, and busty girls.

so you should no better that, you're not compatible with each other. so stop being/feeling sad/vulnerable. just full stop.

i really don't want to give a sh*t about him anymore.

This weekend

I said i wasn't going to blog about sad things, and this is probably the 100th time i've broken that rule. So to stick to a part of my promise, i will preface it with a happy thing i did this weekend. i met up with two friends who i met here who are also from San Diego. And again we bit**ed about NJ during dinner at a Thai place ;)..and we also watched a movied called The Adjustment Bureau. i HIGHLY recommend it. Just....so action packed, and romantic.


Ok that's it. my next post is supposed to be the REAL post du jour.

Fun and Yum places in nyc

Was in new york over the weekend for a diabetes meeting. trying to chronicle the food places before i forget yet again:

Russian Vodka Room: super yummy strawberry infused vodka, pear and apricot vodka, and home fries with mushrooms

Death and Co: great atmosphere for chats with friends. Yummy champagn cocktail called 'pillow talk' and yummy dessert "toffee bread pudding"

Yuca Bar and Restaurant: had white sangria, churrascaria, and a shrimp ceviche

La Bonne Soupe: serves great crepe (and soup apparently)

Victor's Cafe: Yummy Cuban food and REALLY worth the price. Live music. had this amazing appetizer with plaintain on the outside and ground pork on the inside, and amazing pulled marinated cuban pork with blackbean and rice.

Magnolia Cafe: cupcake and peppermint tea misto.

Blue Dog Cafe: Lox Bagel with hazelnut coffee.


Despite everything that's happened at work and with people at work, I'm going to miss New York a lot when I leave.

A bad sign

when I start to imagine conversations we never had in my head.

Ugh. STOP FALLING FOR UNAVAILABLE MEN (although the fact that he's unavailable remains unknown because i never asked).

In any case, it is highly likely that i am leaving in 5 months. and it is highly likely that he won't care more than just as a friend/preceptor.

Yes, that's the problem, he is my preceptor/boss. HE is that young man who i referred to in my previous post as someone my age who graduated from the same program that i am in 2 years ago, who is already working f/t for the company. Who had to step in as my preceptor because my original preceptor was leaving our group, who i 'thought' i had interesting talks/chemistry with. Apparently/hopefully it is all in my head.

it is HIGHLY inconvenient to have to spend about 1 hr a week talking to him 1:1, where he gets to ask you questions about all aspects of your life. And he likes details. So i realize I end up telling more than i originally intend to. Because like always, i have verbal diarrhea and i can't control it. I'm sure he now realizes that i have bipolar disorder (meaning i can be extremely manly/feminine, professional/childish at the same time, as validated by almost everyone around me, especially my sister K).

and i hate that i have to share with him things that i feel vulnerable about, that i dont' share with other people. BECAUSE he is now my preceptor, and he knows the right question to ask because he's been there, it's easy for him to probe, the challenges. I can't just quickly breeze through the highlights. So it makes it really hard for me to be like that, sharing what has been going really well, and what hasn't been going so well, with someone who i am not related to.

I really don't want to depend on him as my 'therapist' in that regard. Although it is nice to have someone to rely on to solve my problems, i realize there's limits to what he can do/provide, being such a newbie in the company himself. I don't know if he willingly or was forced into the position of preceptorship. But by now he should probably regret that he is obligated to spend at least 1 hr a week to listen to me rant. And now we actually sit on the same team so outside of these 1:1's, we also have meetings together. And i really hate to look stupid in front of someone who i sort of care. ugh.

And that's when you know that you might like someone, which i really don't like, given the circumstances. I am a firm believer of 'he's just not that into you', so if he hasn't tried anything that probably means that he's really just not that into me. And even if it's his rational side talking, that i am his 'fellow', if you put two rational people together, nothing can come of it either. because i'm never going to hit on him.

I REALLY wish i didn't care as much. I feel really sad at the same time that it's a crush that is goin to end soon (at least by June), because i partly really dont' want to stay. Not everything has been horrible. But from time to time i really miss home. Although that's also a silly idea, because is home where my parents are? or where i know the most people? because technically, i don't know that many people in tw other than my handful of friends from middle school. I definitely know more in california now, and i have met some really cool ones in Jersey as well. I just always feel so torn about where to go, what decision to make, if it's going to affect my 'marriage' future (even though i try not to think about it).

I think i'm just sad that, even though i put so much though into my imminent departure, that SOMEONE probably has no idea at all. I refuse to intepret his kind actions to me as signs of 'liking me'. he might be like that with everyone. he's a well-liked guy. And he's cute enough that everyone has a crush on him.

ugh. why can't it be super easy when it comes to relationships for me. I want to meet cute with someone, date cute with someone, and marry cute with someone, hopefully with no obstacles. I dont' ever want to choose, to take a step back, or feel sad.