Therapy post

My running list Someone I love who loves me back Not selfish Brave Ambitious Altruistic These will be the qualities I look for in a marriage partner.. In that order. Due to recent events, it's made my priorities super straight. In fact, I don't even think I have seen things this clear before. I used to have a running list that would rate everything equally, or at least i would know what it is that I DON'T want. But that process of elimination has not worked so well I think. Probably more importantly, I need to know what i DO want, in order to move on with life quickly. The thing is, I just hung out again with that guy last night and here are the conclusions I finally came to in my head: 1. The attraction I have for him is purely physical. It's still there, and that's why it's hard for me despite the very non considerate things he's done.. But I am coming out of it. But being perfectly honest, I AM attracted to him and seeing him does make it harder. 2. He is a man boy who doesn't know what he wants. 3. He is insecure about himself. 4. He is pretty selfish. Another sign of immaturity. 5. He is a broken man, which makes him selfish and insecure. And even though I have been broken too, but I have not lost that faith and hope in life and relationships. Oh trust ime I have doubted myself and the life choices i made, but in the end I decided that i need to hold on to my faith. Otherwise i would be just as broken as everyone else who I despise, and frankly, i wouldn't be who i am anymore. 6. He doesn't love me. Not that he doesn't like me, but he doesn't love me. This is truly impossible to find now when people put their own needs always above everything else. It makes you selfish (again), and you assess all the partners as, well, options you could have. As Bridget Joned said, I can't be with someone who's not quite sure. I'm still looking for something, more extraordinary than that. Clip: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-f_JF42477h2mY/bridget_joness_diary_2001_bridget_dumps_daniel_again_part_2/ I only pray to god that since I have verbally agreed to be friends, that I will never be tempted, never doubt myself, and never want to go back, even just for a moment. And I will need all the courage i have.

some revelations since i turned 30

It still sucks immensely so i dont think i am able to fully elaborate at this moment. I will keep it simple for now.... and maybe go over the series of events at a later time, when i need to use this blog for therapy. From 5/13 to 6/13, we had one intense month. We went out almost every day for two weeks since my last sad post, we held hands, we hugged, we kissed, i went to singapore for more school interviews, and we fought, we made up, i had more interviews, and we fought, and we made up again, and we decided to stay friends right before i came to the US for work and vacation. and then today i cried a little. that's about it in a nutshell. the biggest take away is that, i am not as strong as i think, especially around the timeframe of turning 30. another thing is, every break up sucks, no matter how many times you've gone through it. It all goes back to my point of beastiality in the world...because there are so many questionable people with moral issues out there, always being 100% idealistic does NOT help. I am at the point that i regret having watched Disney Princess movies AT ALL. (and i've become quite a bitter woman for it, as my family had noticed). Is it really better that we accept flaws in people and just know that you can never find someone as true to their values as you are? Do i still have the luxury to ask for that despite having just turned the big 3 and still haven't landed a chap? If i really was as strong as i had thought previously, could i still stick with the theory that i love myself the most and if you ever have a run in with someone less morally acceptable or dates more casually than you do, just break free from that? because a better one will always come along? Or is it that maybe that someone just doesn't exist any more, because of the fierce competition ALL women face and would willingly offer themselves to these men? AND in my head i know guys like him don't deserve him, after the fact that i already started liking him. so despite the warnings in my head/from my close friends, we continued to meet, until i was no longer comfortable, and so we fought. For now, i've taken the high road. we had a long friendly chat. I said he could be better. and he needs to be better. and he accepts fully and wants to work on his issues. and i'm supposed to be off to a better future (right?), and not being together (since it never was official) was probably the easiest thing to do. and i just can't bear to do this to myself anymore, to doubt my own values, to think either i need to change or i will die single (which never was such an issue to me before, apparently i'm not as strong as i thought). and he said he wants to better. and he will work on upgrading himself. so we continue to keep in contact as friends..but am i just making it harder for myself and easier for him to keep a good girl around like me? to be honest i'm not sure if his past behavior does not warrant this kind of kindness from me. but in my heard I also fear losing touch, because maybe he really is who i believe him to be (because he could have easily walked away from my speech about different values, and stopped working so hard or care about what i think or my family thinks). can i believe that something can stem from this eventually, or just rip off the bandaid and walk away completely? i really hope my time in the US will help me clear my head.

world of beastiality

I had thought about this many times just never officially written about it. One of the reasons why my singleness has lasted this long and will probably go on is because i suspect (or with total confidence) that I actually live in a world of beastiality. time and time again, when i was out with friends i'd realize that it seems like no one shares/holds the same value as i do anymore-- monogomy, only get together with those you love (given that it's a small number), respect, trust.. and then i would hear the most outrageous things from everyone, then i realize either i live in a freak circus or i am actualy the only freak in this show. Quick example: when i was in SH last, I went out with a colleague and a bunch of her friends. So you know this is in CHINA and not any western country. Then we started playing 'truth or dare'...and the truth came out...I was trying to be REALLY focused so i was only penalized twice throughout the game. the first time i could get by with doing sit-ups, the second time i had to tell the truth. but people were gentle with me because they didn't know me well. however, i think i learned a bunch of stuff from people that night, that just once again confirmed my slight suspicion that i actually DO live in a world of beastiality. when people exchanged most 'daring place' for sexual activities, all kinds of crazy places came out - offices, jacuzzi at the hotel, shower place at the gym -- the list went on and on. and then when some married men was asked about times of cheating, it was multiple times, with different women.. please note this is a small sample of people who looked extremely normal (i'm not talking about people i meet at a club), and this is in ASIA. And then during the trip, i was harrassed by a male colleague of mine, who has a wife and a kid, who wanted to come over to my room at 2am in the morning. i was fuming. the world is sick. Then i was at the executive lounge having dinner by myself, armed with a 500 page book called 'the third choice', as well as my cell phone, when some dude invited himself to sit down across from me. we had a good chat, about everything, music, book, travel, time in China...he seemed into me, and i was just bored and i knew he just needed attention so i gave him the time of the day. And then we proceeded to talk about relationships. and then he said a lot about sleeping with his female friends which made their friendship closer. and i respectfully disagreed...i think he was trying to see if i would go back to his room with him, and the whole night i was just not having it. So he finally left. The last time when i was at the exec lounge i was actually approached by a married man (with a ring and actually showed me a picture of his family) TWICE in a week. it made me want to shoot myself (or someone). How am i expected to meet someone i love and believe in the institution of marriage, when i feel that there is beastiality all around? As a single woman, i never NOT believed in message or love, but i also believed in living the most fulfilling life you possibly can (not in a religious way necessarily). In my view, when there is no love, there is no boyfriend and hence no fiancee or someone to married to, hence no wedding and no kids. So i dont think about kids. because it only matters if i am actually seeing someone. otherwise having any arbitrary number in my mind, is just going to make me feel like super shit and a failure. all that i am asking for, is to find someone with the same value system who i care for and who loves me the same way as i do love them. who is AVAILABLE. I dont know what planet these previously mentioned people are from, but if they didn't know i am such a self-righteous person, i dont know who is. how could they think i'd ever allow cheating or whoring around?? although some days i feel maybe i should

the most brave thing i've done in a while (it's called self-preservation)

although, the most brave thing also happens to be the most cruel thing i can do to myself. many of you might be pleased to hear this, but i actually did go on a date, among the craziness i just described in my last post. And i suppose what people say is true, things happen when you least expect it. At least i didn't expect this coming. This guy and i met because he actually is new at my company. i didn't think much at all, because, well, i'm already transitioning in my mind. So i can really care less. Plus he sits on a different floor, and i travel to China all the time. I care more about what's going to happen in the next 6 months...and these other major decisions. He joined 2 months ago. Also around 2 months ago, i decided to start a 'club' at work. A club i was a part of back when i was in the US, called Women in Science (WIS). Basically i find it baffeling that the morale in the TW office is always low, people are waiting to retire, young people are hired on as contractors, no one has real motivation in sight or reasons to connect with people on a higher level unless it's part of their job description. Coming from the US, i didn't like these silos. So i started a club, that encourages the development of women leaders (this is only a chapter that i'm starting, this organization actually exists in the US and many other big markets). So i started selling the idea in company meetings, and started planning for events for the year. I felt like i can make a difference, until my departure (whenever that is), and hopefully my legacy will live on). So the first event i had organized was about having a 'sponsor' at work (which is a populart idea now in western countries), and invited regional women leaders who are based in the TW office to share their experiences. So basically when i sent out the request for people to add to the WIS distribution list, only ONE guy volunteered. the new guy. he showed up to that meeting about sponsors of course, and asked questions and actively participated. I stupidly actually scheduled the event on the SAME day as my GMAT. so i pretty much rushed back from the testing center looking like complete shit, and tried to act as calm and put-together as possible, leading the discussions. THEN, after the meeting, i received an email from our lone male participant, about an article he had read about the 'sponsorship effect', for which i graciously thanked his interest. And then i proceeded to ask him if i can ask him questions about the MBA he had just completed. please note at this point i had ZERO intention to get with anyone. we met the next day in the office. to my surprise he prepared a list of discussion points to 'guide' me through this MBA chat. I was pretty shocked to say the least. And then, he started talking about his program and the other programs. Please note that his program ranked in the top 10 in europe. but he was listening to my requests and challenges at work and was making very objective suggestions to say i can try to score really high and shoot for really good scores. I could tell i was holding back. from past experience i've learned to not tell guys about my degree background, and what i got on my tests..etc. So i didn't tell him that I ALREADY APPLIED AND AS OF THE DAY OF THE WIS EVENT I ACTUALLY SCORED A SUPER HIGH SCORE WHICH PUT ME IN A VERY FAVORABLE PLACE. I APPLIED TO THE TOP FIVE IN EUROPE AND I'M AIMING AT GETTING IN. Of course i didnt' say that because i didn't want to sound like a psychomaniac people think i am because i happen to be able to combine my interst with work and do well on exams. one thing i learned in life is guys hate smart and successful girls. So i thanked him after the talk. When i returned to my seat, we started talking through instant messaging. I joked that i should invite him to happy hour with anotehr colleague in his department we both know. and he said, NO, I THINK MAYBE LET'S NOT INVITE HER. and then i was thinking in my head, SHOOT...DOES THAT MEAN HE LIKES ME DESPITE I'VE LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE CAREER ORIENTED WOMAN. So to cut straight to the chase, he invited me out on a 'date'. and like i always have to tell someone, i can't watch iron man right away because i was about to go on a biz trip for 2 weeks in China (which is why i suffer in the romance department). and he said he can wait. and asked me not to catch the bird flu (haha funny). So over the 2 weeks when i was in China i was becoming more and more anxious about the 'date'. Finally, it took place this past Monday. We met up at the train station, had dinner, and then the movie. Over dinner i could feel myself telling him more frustration about my work situation in China, although i was trying not to. and then when we walked into the theater area, we ran into the co-worker i HATE! who was super annoying in TW to begin with and then moved to SH and joined my department and became a even bigger pain in the a**. what are the frigging chances!!! he gossips so much too and he could tell the whole work in both TW and China. So i immediately turned around and behaved like a child, looking really flustered. basically the GUY put up with my crazy antics, which i apologized later. but we did have to hide from the cowker again during the exit of the movie. I think my point was, the night was really eventful and unexpected. and i had a lot of fun. he insisted to pay for everything. he had lost his wallet in the morning and had to pull out the bills from his pocket which i made fun of him for (just really ghetto looking). After the movie I said i would just ride the MRT home. He then offered to 'drive' me. so we would have to get off at a different stop so he could pick up his car at his place. he did drive me home, we talked a lot and joked a lot. and then i joked some more nervously when we got to my place, and pretty much fled his car after thanking him... I knew over the evening i was shifting between being totally relaxed and the fun and sarcastic and crazy and funny person i am, and being a bit cautious and protective myself. like i would be holding my purse with BOTH hands on one arm, or maybe at times maintaining some distance between us so that i can avoid handholding or anything that may happen. WHY? put simply -- it's a self-preservation thing. i'm getting ready to leave my job, i DID NOT expect to meet anyone and to leave them. this guy doesn't know the truth about how good i am with tests and with work and my rank in the company, and he thought i was just a cute girl with a uneasy temper. So the truth is, i realized after the date how much i might actually like this guy. and i realized everything in my near future plan points to departure -- moving to SH for the internal offer they are forcing down my throat, or to europe to begin a new journey. either way, i would be leaving for something bigger and better. and who wants THAT?? I also realized that i don't deal with long-distance relationship too well. you end up being sad all the time and missing the person, and then you have fights, and then it totally screws up the MBA experience for you, like how my college was ruined by my first and only boyfriend who trampled my heart. And then the next time, when i was getting ready to leave NJ, i made the 'smart' choice, i didn't feel like the guy i liked would ask me out with complete certainty, so i decided to leave to take the job in Asia. STILL, i was sad for about a year, and occasionally, now, about what could have been. So either way sucks. I lost sleep for two days.. I didn't want to tell him like i'm over thinking the whole thing, but i thought he deserves the truth -- the truth about me leaving. Even though i like the guy a lot, he is pretty adorable, is nice to me and pretty funny, is taiwanese with good education, and a bit older, and we are in the same industry. I didn't think i could like him before the date because of the inconveniences i mentioned, but i did get drawn to him because we had a lot of fun and cute moments. So i decided that i would be merciful to him and myself. just tell the truth about my timeline. So i did. today. i asked if i could borrow an hour of his time in the office. when he walked in i could feel myself getting really nervous about what i was about to say, and then it just came out. I told him that i already have interview offers, he asked me which schools, and i told him. those were schools that he would love to go but didn't qualify for. he was very gracious. and then he was jokingly asking about my gmat score, and of course, i scored very high on my last try. so he was again impressed too. he knew about the other job offers too. I was beginning to explain why i didn't tell him, because (my official explanation was that i didnt' know him enough to tell anyone), the truth is, i didn't have the heart to tell ANOTHER GUY how i have these accomplishments just have him run away from him or find me freaky. and i really think there's potential for me to really like him (which he will never know). ..... I did this also because i knew he'd rather be with someone local (he gave up job offers to come back to TW to start fresh), whereas i am just starting to take off with this mba and want to see the rest of europe. i know i would like to be married at some point, if someone great comes along. but i also want to do things in life which i wont get to do later. It is only fair that i lay things out right now. he politely thanked me for telling him. and said he was really impressed. and jokingly said i need to offer him a job when i come back as a general manager of the company (NOT FUNNY TO ME AT ALL. i've heard shit like this from people before). I had to downplay my gmat score as a fluke, i had to say i had no idea why the company liked me so much...jsut to play down everything that i am proud of.. basically. we haven't texted, since the date, and since our conversation today. and i highly doubt we will still be able to date, knowing there may be an end in mind. my point is, i COULD stay for someone. if that someone asks. i could stay for someone who is brave enough to like me the way i am, without making feel like i have to play down my accomplishment. i could stay for someone who sees that i am actually being very selfless when i tell the truth, because i fear guys would feel that they are tricked into a relationshp with a wife who's actually smart, only to tell me 10 years later that they feel too much pressure. on the flip side, it takes a lot of courage for me to do this. since i actually like this person. but i can't continue to see 'how it goes' for the next 6 months, only to tell him at the end that i'm leaving for my MBA which i should find out in a month. so i decided to be cruel to myself..and just rip off the bandaid. this could be my last chance before turning 30 to meet cute and date cute with someone, and i nipped it in the bud because i couldn't bear to hide the truth. i know if we dated more i would like him more and will get really hurt. so i did what i did. i think it's self-preservation. i might cry myself to sleep, but i might just get over it, right? i'm getting really sad just transcribing my feelings...

statistics for now...

yes..i've disappeared for about 2 months... over this time period, lots have happened (i'm actually quite surprised that i haven't been diagnosed with brain tumor through this stress)... took GMAT 3 times travelled to China 4 times (over a week each time) Packed in 100+ hours of cramming score finally went from (and i didn't know this would be possible in my lifetime), 530-->640-->720. and then on the last day i finally screamed (in my head), and walked out and never looked back. I almost though i had to high-five the PiersonVue test center lady because i've been there so many times we can probably grab lunch together. Standardized test is really not for people over the age of 28 and working full-time and traveling constantly (lesson learned)... submitted 4 applications and finished 20+ essays for all the schools. and finally, i'm happy to announce that i've gotten two interview offers!! yippe! a month from now i will find out...about EVERYTHING. AND, work is still giving me pressure about leaving, except that now there are two somewhat attractive internal opportunities, which is making my life hell because my mindset was ready to leave and begin my journey somewhere in Switzerland/France/Singapore/UK, and now i might actually stay on?! Ugh i lose so much sleep over the craziness in my life i almost feel like i'm back in high school, except i'm actually almost twice that age... darn.

tiredness in my brain

this week is really the crunch time for GMAT. my brain is tired from the intense class and homework schedule for a week, on top of full time working and business travels, and trying to keep everything a secret. i am taking in 4 days and yet i feel like since Sunday night my brain just sort of shut off. i could not read another argumentative passage or draw another ratio pie to solve for x and y. Thank god i grew up in asia so the geometry isn't that big of a problem. But yes, the data sufficiency questions make me want to scream. I have so much to lose if i do horrible. that makes me freak out too. maybe that's why i have been getting this headache. Basically work already knows that i am departing in 6 months (i secretly suspect that when they say they are trying to link me up with things i would like, they tricked me into saying my timeline). at this point, they've pretty much given up on me and are probalby looking for my replacements. it's like i'm already one foot out the door. so i need to do REALLY well on this exam. i also need to write some kick-ass essays. which is hard because like i said, i dont have anything too stellar to write about because i do medical things that take a long time to execute (publications can take up to a year to create and publish, posters/oral presentations are only one aspect of a medical congress), there's usually no big 'conflicts' i must resolve with my team-members (because i tend to be the only person who is the subject matter expert), i do have difficult 'customers' to deal with ie. the doctors and marketing colleagues who don't give a crap about publications because they just do ghost writing in China. ughh. the more i think about it, the more i feel my essays will sound like a pile of crap. it won't be anything like their other candidates, "achieved 170% growth in sales in one fiscal year" or "as the operational lead for two multi-national corporations' merger/acquisition". I mean, i would like to get to that point, but right now i am a big nerd. and i need to have people write kick-ass recommendations for me. darn. i think i better have a plan B. OR, if everything works like i expected, my next post can be named -- A YEAR IN XXXXX (city TBD). sigh.

My next move

My brain feels really tired from recent major decisions i have made. To make long story short, i have decided that i would pursue an MBA as my next step. Reasons: 1. I have realized that my specialization is perhaps too specialized. As much as i liked the art and the skills i have aquired from working on the pharma side to produce scientific publications, i have also realized the limitations of having this as a career for the rest of my life. 2. if i don't challenge myself now and make yet another drastic switch in my career, i will probably never do it. the opportunity cost is just less when i do it now vs. when i have a family or when i'm more senior in my career. 3. I wanted to try my chances with pharmaceutical marketing, business development and strategic planning, which are difficult to enter as a medical professional with zero sales experience. even though i think i could be really good at these things, it is hard to argue that my skills are trasferrable. Hold backs/concerns: 1. People at work who are nay-sayers. I am being told that an MBA is NOT required, and their hidden message is that i will regret it. or that it's a waste of time. 2. it's very expensive. i would have to spend everything that i've made since graduation. and the return on investment is a big question mark. 3. i have to leave my family again. To counter the point made by the people in #1, i have talked to a few people who graduated from B school and entered a leadership development program (as a full time employee) with pharma companies. they train you in diff departments and eventually advance you quickly to leadership roles (or so i heard). So that is more attractive than just sitting here and trying to make little transition at a time, while always networking my ass off trying to convince people that i can 'think' like a marketer, whatever that means. there isn't only ONE kind of marketer in this world. and even if you are a really good marketer/sales person in your previous life, it doesn't mean that 'business' can't be taught to a medical person. So if i listened to these people, i would stay put in my current job until...well..until there is a position that is willing to consider me. And frankly, i'm not the type who waits for something to happen, especially if i have to identified as a 'key talent' (it's probably self-explanatory why i use this phrase), before i am advanced anywhere. First, i'm horrible at kissing ass, and secondly, when everyone is supposed to be a key talent in some way, it's impossible to stand out. There are supportive voices for me to get my MBA though, my current and previous managers, are two examples. I was actually surprised to hear the words "that's a fantastic idea' coming from them. Perhaps i have been so used to people telling me that i'm dreaming, or people who are concerned about my departure because it will bring them inconveniences in trying to fill the job to what it is that i do. But they are in agreement with what i have speculated. So i think that's a good sign. I suppose the $ part is still tough. my plan is to get the acceptances, and work until 3Q of this year and get enough $, apply for as many scholarships as i possibly can, pick up a summer internship to offset the costs...etc. Oh God, why do i subject myself to this? At the end of the day, i suppose no one can tell me if this is the right or wrong decision. Only time will tell. my plan is to be equipped with busienss trainings within a short period of time during my MBA, and come out being able to do (at least theoretically) market analysis, financial planning/projection, strategic operations, strategic marketing. Then i will apply for those leaderships programs which will give me one or two years of solid training in the companies either at the headquarter or in Asia. HOWEVER, if i happen to change my mind somewhere in the program, and decide to go into consulting, that may not be such a bad idea either. Either way, i will never know if i continue to do what i do right now. I ultimately still would like to live in Asia. I just want to move away from the daily grinds which really kills my passion for the science. I would never work in a job where i feel like i'm not 'learning' anymore. If i can continue to work at different things until i am 45, then either be an entrepreneur of something or work for an NPO, that wouldn't be half bad, either. I just wanted to see how far i can go without being 'unhappy'. It's never about rising up the ranks in one thing and one thing only and being super calculating. I figured that, hopefully by the time i am done with my immediate 5 year plan, I will have qualifications to work as the medical lead and commercial lead. most people are experts in one or the other, but it's rare to have both. plus i will also have experience doing these in 3 markets...at least my resume will sound a lot better than it does now. At that point, the table will be swtiched. i will not have some senior managment tell me that i don't have the skills or why is it that i don't follow the path or my interests do not have mutual benefits with the company because they only need someone to be super detail oriented and speaks two languages to help them crank out these publications like a machine. whew. ok that feels therapeutic. On to my next post. *_*