the most brave thing i've done in a while (it's called self-preservation)

although, the most brave thing also happens to be the most cruel thing i can do to myself. many of you might be pleased to hear this, but i actually did go on a date, among the craziness i just described in my last post. And i suppose what people say is true, things happen when you least expect it. At least i didn't expect this coming. This guy and i met because he actually is new at my company. i didn't think much at all, because, well, i'm already transitioning in my mind. So i can really care less. Plus he sits on a different floor, and i travel to China all the time. I care more about what's going to happen in the next 6 months...and these other major decisions. He joined 2 months ago. Also around 2 months ago, i decided to start a 'club' at work. A club i was a part of back when i was in the US, called Women in Science (WIS). Basically i find it baffeling that the morale in the TW office is always low, people are waiting to retire, young people are hired on as contractors, no one has real motivation in sight or reasons to connect with people on a higher level unless it's part of their job description. Coming from the US, i didn't like these silos. So i started a club, that encourages the development of women leaders (this is only a chapter that i'm starting, this organization actually exists in the US and many other big markets). So i started selling the idea in company meetings, and started planning for events for the year. I felt like i can make a difference, until my departure (whenever that is), and hopefully my legacy will live on). So the first event i had organized was about having a 'sponsor' at work (which is a populart idea now in western countries), and invited regional women leaders who are based in the TW office to share their experiences. So basically when i sent out the request for people to add to the WIS distribution list, only ONE guy volunteered. the new guy. he showed up to that meeting about sponsors of course, and asked questions and actively participated. I stupidly actually scheduled the event on the SAME day as my GMAT. so i pretty much rushed back from the testing center looking like complete shit, and tried to act as calm and put-together as possible, leading the discussions. THEN, after the meeting, i received an email from our lone male participant, about an article he had read about the 'sponsorship effect', for which i graciously thanked his interest. And then i proceeded to ask him if i can ask him questions about the MBA he had just completed. please note at this point i had ZERO intention to get with anyone. we met the next day in the office. to my surprise he prepared a list of discussion points to 'guide' me through this MBA chat. I was pretty shocked to say the least. And then, he started talking about his program and the other programs. Please note that his program ranked in the top 10 in europe. but he was listening to my requests and challenges at work and was making very objective suggestions to say i can try to score really high and shoot for really good scores. I could tell i was holding back. from past experience i've learned to not tell guys about my degree background, and what i got on my tests..etc. So i didn't tell him that I ALREADY APPLIED AND AS OF THE DAY OF THE WIS EVENT I ACTUALLY SCORED A SUPER HIGH SCORE WHICH PUT ME IN A VERY FAVORABLE PLACE. I APPLIED TO THE TOP FIVE IN EUROPE AND I'M AIMING AT GETTING IN. Of course i didnt' say that because i didn't want to sound like a psychomaniac people think i am because i happen to be able to combine my interst with work and do well on exams. one thing i learned in life is guys hate smart and successful girls. So i thanked him after the talk. When i returned to my seat, we started talking through instant messaging. I joked that i should invite him to happy hour with anotehr colleague in his department we both know. and he said, NO, I THINK MAYBE LET'S NOT INVITE HER. and then i was thinking in my head, SHOOT...DOES THAT MEAN HE LIKES ME DESPITE I'VE LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE CAREER ORIENTED WOMAN. So to cut straight to the chase, he invited me out on a 'date'. and like i always have to tell someone, i can't watch iron man right away because i was about to go on a biz trip for 2 weeks in China (which is why i suffer in the romance department). and he said he can wait. and asked me not to catch the bird flu (haha funny). So over the 2 weeks when i was in China i was becoming more and more anxious about the 'date'. Finally, it took place this past Monday. We met up at the train station, had dinner, and then the movie. Over dinner i could feel myself telling him more frustration about my work situation in China, although i was trying not to. and then when we walked into the theater area, we ran into the co-worker i HATE! who was super annoying in TW to begin with and then moved to SH and joined my department and became a even bigger pain in the a**. what are the frigging chances!!! he gossips so much too and he could tell the whole work in both TW and China. So i immediately turned around and behaved like a child, looking really flustered. basically the GUY put up with my crazy antics, which i apologized later. but we did have to hide from the cowker again during the exit of the movie. I think my point was, the night was really eventful and unexpected. and i had a lot of fun. he insisted to pay for everything. he had lost his wallet in the morning and had to pull out the bills from his pocket which i made fun of him for (just really ghetto looking). After the movie I said i would just ride the MRT home. He then offered to 'drive' me. so we would have to get off at a different stop so he could pick up his car at his place. he did drive me home, we talked a lot and joked a lot. and then i joked some more nervously when we got to my place, and pretty much fled his car after thanking him... I knew over the evening i was shifting between being totally relaxed and the fun and sarcastic and crazy and funny person i am, and being a bit cautious and protective myself. like i would be holding my purse with BOTH hands on one arm, or maybe at times maintaining some distance between us so that i can avoid handholding or anything that may happen. WHY? put simply -- it's a self-preservation thing. i'm getting ready to leave my job, i DID NOT expect to meet anyone and to leave them. this guy doesn't know the truth about how good i am with tests and with work and my rank in the company, and he thought i was just a cute girl with a uneasy temper. So the truth is, i realized after the date how much i might actually like this guy. and i realized everything in my near future plan points to departure -- moving to SH for the internal offer they are forcing down my throat, or to europe to begin a new journey. either way, i would be leaving for something bigger and better. and who wants THAT?? I also realized that i don't deal with long-distance relationship too well. you end up being sad all the time and missing the person, and then you have fights, and then it totally screws up the MBA experience for you, like how my college was ruined by my first and only boyfriend who trampled my heart. And then the next time, when i was getting ready to leave NJ, i made the 'smart' choice, i didn't feel like the guy i liked would ask me out with complete certainty, so i decided to leave to take the job in Asia. STILL, i was sad for about a year, and occasionally, now, about what could have been. So either way sucks. I lost sleep for two days.. I didn't want to tell him like i'm over thinking the whole thing, but i thought he deserves the truth -- the truth about me leaving. Even though i like the guy a lot, he is pretty adorable, is nice to me and pretty funny, is taiwanese with good education, and a bit older, and we are in the same industry. I didn't think i could like him before the date because of the inconveniences i mentioned, but i did get drawn to him because we had a lot of fun and cute moments. So i decided that i would be merciful to him and myself. just tell the truth about my timeline. So i did. today. i asked if i could borrow an hour of his time in the office. when he walked in i could feel myself getting really nervous about what i was about to say, and then it just came out. I told him that i already have interview offers, he asked me which schools, and i told him. those were schools that he would love to go but didn't qualify for. he was very gracious. and then he was jokingly asking about my gmat score, and of course, i scored very high on my last try. so he was again impressed too. he knew about the other job offers too. I was beginning to explain why i didn't tell him, because (my official explanation was that i didnt' know him enough to tell anyone), the truth is, i didn't have the heart to tell ANOTHER GUY how i have these accomplishments just have him run away from him or find me freaky. and i really think there's potential for me to really like him (which he will never know). ..... I did this also because i knew he'd rather be with someone local (he gave up job offers to come back to TW to start fresh), whereas i am just starting to take off with this mba and want to see the rest of europe. i know i would like to be married at some point, if someone great comes along. but i also want to do things in life which i wont get to do later. It is only fair that i lay things out right now. he politely thanked me for telling him. and said he was really impressed. and jokingly said i need to offer him a job when i come back as a general manager of the company (NOT FUNNY TO ME AT ALL. i've heard shit like this from people before). I had to downplay my gmat score as a fluke, i had to say i had no idea why the company liked me so much...jsut to play down everything that i am proud of.. basically. we haven't texted, since the date, and since our conversation today. and i highly doubt we will still be able to date, knowing there may be an end in mind. my point is, i COULD stay for someone. if that someone asks. i could stay for someone who is brave enough to like me the way i am, without making feel like i have to play down my accomplishment. i could stay for someone who sees that i am actually being very selfless when i tell the truth, because i fear guys would feel that they are tricked into a relationshp with a wife who's actually smart, only to tell me 10 years later that they feel too much pressure. on the flip side, it takes a lot of courage for me to do this. since i actually like this person. but i can't continue to see 'how it goes' for the next 6 months, only to tell him at the end that i'm leaving for my MBA which i should find out in a month. so i decided to be cruel to myself..and just rip off the bandaid. this could be my last chance before turning 30 to meet cute and date cute with someone, and i nipped it in the bud because i couldn't bear to hide the truth. i know if we dated more i would like him more and will get really hurt. so i did what i did. i think it's self-preservation. i might cry myself to sleep, but i might just get over it, right? i'm getting really sad just transcribing my feelings...

statistics for now...

yes..i've disappeared for about 2 months... over this time period, lots have happened (i'm actually quite surprised that i haven't been diagnosed with brain tumor through this stress)... took GMAT 3 times travelled to China 4 times (over a week each time) Packed in 100+ hours of cramming score finally went from (and i didn't know this would be possible in my lifetime), 530-->640-->720. and then on the last day i finally screamed (in my head), and walked out and never looked back. I almost though i had to high-five the PiersonVue test center lady because i've been there so many times we can probably grab lunch together. Standardized test is really not for people over the age of 28 and working full-time and traveling constantly (lesson learned)... submitted 4 applications and finished 20+ essays for all the schools. and finally, i'm happy to announce that i've gotten two interview offers!! yippe! a month from now i will find out...about EVERYTHING. AND, work is still giving me pressure about leaving, except that now there are two somewhat attractive internal opportunities, which is making my life hell because my mindset was ready to leave and begin my journey somewhere in Switzerland/France/Singapore/UK, and now i might actually stay on?! Ugh i lose so much sleep over the craziness in my life i almost feel like i'm back in high school, except i'm actually almost twice that age... darn.

tiredness in my brain

this week is really the crunch time for GMAT. my brain is tired from the intense class and homework schedule for a week, on top of full time working and business travels, and trying to keep everything a secret. i am taking in 4 days and yet i feel like since Sunday night my brain just sort of shut off. i could not read another argumentative passage or draw another ratio pie to solve for x and y. Thank god i grew up in asia so the geometry isn't that big of a problem. But yes, the data sufficiency questions make me want to scream. I have so much to lose if i do horrible. that makes me freak out too. maybe that's why i have been getting this headache. Basically work already knows that i am departing in 6 months (i secretly suspect that when they say they are trying to link me up with things i would like, they tricked me into saying my timeline). at this point, they've pretty much given up on me and are probalby looking for my replacements. it's like i'm already one foot out the door. so i need to do REALLY well on this exam. i also need to write some kick-ass essays. which is hard because like i said, i dont have anything too stellar to write about because i do medical things that take a long time to execute (publications can take up to a year to create and publish, posters/oral presentations are only one aspect of a medical congress), there's usually no big 'conflicts' i must resolve with my team-members (because i tend to be the only person who is the subject matter expert), i do have difficult 'customers' to deal with ie. the doctors and marketing colleagues who don't give a crap about publications because they just do ghost writing in China. ughh. the more i think about it, the more i feel my essays will sound like a pile of crap. it won't be anything like their other candidates, "achieved 170% growth in sales in one fiscal year" or "as the operational lead for two multi-national corporations' merger/acquisition". I mean, i would like to get to that point, but right now i am a big nerd. and i need to have people write kick-ass recommendations for me. darn. i think i better have a plan B. OR, if everything works like i expected, my next post can be named -- A YEAR IN XXXXX (city TBD). sigh.

My next move

My brain feels really tired from recent major decisions i have made. To make long story short, i have decided that i would pursue an MBA as my next step. Reasons: 1. I have realized that my specialization is perhaps too specialized. As much as i liked the art and the skills i have aquired from working on the pharma side to produce scientific publications, i have also realized the limitations of having this as a career for the rest of my life. 2. if i don't challenge myself now and make yet another drastic switch in my career, i will probably never do it. the opportunity cost is just less when i do it now vs. when i have a family or when i'm more senior in my career. 3. I wanted to try my chances with pharmaceutical marketing, business development and strategic planning, which are difficult to enter as a medical professional with zero sales experience. even though i think i could be really good at these things, it is hard to argue that my skills are trasferrable. Hold backs/concerns: 1. People at work who are nay-sayers. I am being told that an MBA is NOT required, and their hidden message is that i will regret it. or that it's a waste of time. 2. it's very expensive. i would have to spend everything that i've made since graduation. and the return on investment is a big question mark. 3. i have to leave my family again. To counter the point made by the people in #1, i have talked to a few people who graduated from B school and entered a leadership development program (as a full time employee) with pharma companies. they train you in diff departments and eventually advance you quickly to leadership roles (or so i heard). So that is more attractive than just sitting here and trying to make little transition at a time, while always networking my ass off trying to convince people that i can 'think' like a marketer, whatever that means. there isn't only ONE kind of marketer in this world. and even if you are a really good marketer/sales person in your previous life, it doesn't mean that 'business' can't be taught to a medical person. So if i listened to these people, i would stay put in my current job until...well..until there is a position that is willing to consider me. And frankly, i'm not the type who waits for something to happen, especially if i have to identified as a 'key talent' (it's probably self-explanatory why i use this phrase), before i am advanced anywhere. First, i'm horrible at kissing ass, and secondly, when everyone is supposed to be a key talent in some way, it's impossible to stand out. There are supportive voices for me to get my MBA though, my current and previous managers, are two examples. I was actually surprised to hear the words "that's a fantastic idea' coming from them. Perhaps i have been so used to people telling me that i'm dreaming, or people who are concerned about my departure because it will bring them inconveniences in trying to fill the job to what it is that i do. But they are in agreement with what i have speculated. So i think that's a good sign. I suppose the $ part is still tough. my plan is to get the acceptances, and work until 3Q of this year and get enough $, apply for as many scholarships as i possibly can, pick up a summer internship to offset the costs...etc. Oh God, why do i subject myself to this? At the end of the day, i suppose no one can tell me if this is the right or wrong decision. Only time will tell. my plan is to be equipped with busienss trainings within a short period of time during my MBA, and come out being able to do (at least theoretically) market analysis, financial planning/projection, strategic operations, strategic marketing. Then i will apply for those leaderships programs which will give me one or two years of solid training in the companies either at the headquarter or in Asia. HOWEVER, if i happen to change my mind somewhere in the program, and decide to go into consulting, that may not be such a bad idea either. Either way, i will never know if i continue to do what i do right now. I ultimately still would like to live in Asia. I just want to move away from the daily grinds which really kills my passion for the science. I would never work in a job where i feel like i'm not 'learning' anymore. If i can continue to work at different things until i am 45, then either be an entrepreneur of something or work for an NPO, that wouldn't be half bad, either. I just wanted to see how far i can go without being 'unhappy'. It's never about rising up the ranks in one thing and one thing only and being super calculating. I figured that, hopefully by the time i am done with my immediate 5 year plan, I will have qualifications to work as the medical lead and commercial lead. most people are experts in one or the other, but it's rare to have both. plus i will also have experience doing these in 3 markets...at least my resume will sound a lot better than it does now. At that point, the table will be swtiched. i will not have some senior managment tell me that i don't have the skills or why is it that i don't follow the path or my interests do not have mutual benefits with the company because they only need someone to be super detail oriented and speaks two languages to help them crank out these publications like a machine. whew. ok that feels therapeutic. On to my next post. *_*

A year in.....Asia?

I just realized that from the last time i logged on to Blogger to this time, the layout of the website actually changed?! Now my internet browser (which desperately needs to be updated) doesn't even support this version of Blogger anymore!! so all of the dialogue boxes are sort of in different places. I am crossing my fingers that this post won't actually get deleted when i hit 'publish'... And i just realized that because i have been so horrible at keeping my page up to date, i had already moved out of the 'Garden State' for about a year now, and i still haven't changed the name of my blog?! such blasphemy! I was going through the choices in my head...China, Taiwan, Asia, Back to the Beginning...ugh it's hard to be original. But yes perhaps i am moving a little too fast and that's not good for my mental being in many ways. :P Anyway, the reason why i'm on my old computer today (and hence updating my blog) is because yesterday something REALLY bizarre happened. in almost same altitude as the life changing decision of moving back last year. I was doing my usual business at work, going through a ton of emails and getting ready for congress abstract submissions and just basically buried knee deep in paper work, when all of a sudden i received a call (from the caller ID i could tell it came from China). I didn't hesitate at all, thinking it must be one of my co-workers, and answered my phone. And then the person asked politely to verify my identification. It turned out that, he was calling from a head hunting agency! I guess it was not a big deal, seeing probably many other people receive these calls. I was probably secretly excited that i did receive a head hunting call. BUT, the bizarre thing was, i NEVER posted my cell number on any search engine HERE, and by here i mean the general region of APAC. NO ONE except the people who i work directly with should have access to THIS NUMBER. and this is all because i was sort of 'transplated' from my old job in the US to HERE. So i didn't go through those job search websites. And then this guy went on explaining the position he was calling about. He knew quite a bit about me as well. He knew i lived and worked in the US. he knew that i worked for this particular company. He knew that i am trained in publications...etc. So i was very amused and he went on explaining about the position. that's where my head started spinning. Basically, it sounds like something that i could probably kill for at this moment. I would be able to have more autonomy in what i do, and have a real promotion (which i have actually been thinking about, for reasons which i will explain in a minute). It was too good to be true...except..i couldn't be based HERE. i would have to move to SH. I suppose i can make a list of pros and cons in my next post. But in short, this OTHER company has a very promising line of oncology products, which are in the field that i've always wanted to do. They recently merged with a company based in San Francisco, which means that i dont have to think about having to move back to NJ EVER in my life, if the headquarter isn't even anywhere east of the Missisippi river (okay, i'm being dramatic here). And i have been looking for a change of therapeutic area... But the move...ugh...the move. It's not horrible i guess, i've always pictured it somewhere down the line, given the market situation and that TW is a tiny market which will become a problem if i want to stay here. but i'm really not a fan of moving yet again...by myself. i've done it before. i suppose i could do it again, but....ugh. AND i'm not getting younger. should i be pursuing a potential boost in my professional life? or just stay happy and close to my family and childhood friends and just feel safe for a while. it feels so wrong to want more. and the reason why i wanted a promotion, is because of some poor managment decision in the company, which resulted in two new guys who are completely untrained in my field, to come in and were offered higher positions than i do. so basically, i'm doing all the bit** work and they just came in and took the title (i was the first ginea pig for this newly created department). and i am also expected to train them. i busted my ass for this new job thinking it can really take me somewhere, but instead, i'm the one with the lowest rank here. so of course i savor much bitterness. On the flip side, i like the other co-workers who i work on a daily basis with, they are in my therapeutic area and really trust and rely on my expertise. they are wonderful, amazing people who i am very thankful for. and i am still keeping my ties with the old team in the US because thankfully i'm still with the same products. So if i leave, i would be severing all these ties, and my boss above all, would probably hold grudge toward me. ughh. ok. so that pretty much sums up the situation...until further notice i suppose. I suppose like my parents said, it doesn't hurt to find out more information about the other company. it may not even work out. But i'm such a worry bug that it kept me up all night. Mostly because i wasn't prepared to move so fast. i wish things were easier sometimes... p.s. i realized that i didn't clarify that the recruiter finally told me that he was referred to me by someone who i briefly worked with while on the China team, he's not from our company, but from our alliance company. but he's seen my work before... odd.

Young people at work

I just found out all of my lunch buddies are leaving the company in the next month or so. Ugh.

Now that leaves me as the only youngER person i know, looking to blend in with the rest of the people yet again.

Truthfully it doesn't make me super sad, just kind of low. I mean, all the best to them who find better jobs that suit their interest. I would do the same as well. It's easier to be the first ones leaving than e last. So I totally understand. I mean, I have days( more frequently lately) which make me want to leave as well, but I really have to stick it out, for various reasons. I suppose that will go into a separate post, hopefully not three months later...;)

It IS hard being the in between person, between china and tw, tw and the US, and TW and Australia. No one in my direct line of report is in the same geographical location as me and I wonder if that will hurt me somewhere down the line. Socially I can make friends, although I do realize I have to over extend myself to please everybody and to survive in both organizations to stay connected. That takes a lot of effort. And I, also trying to stay in tough with everyone I know. Sometimes I am sad that I get emotionally attached to do many places and ppl and at the same time I feel pretty tired, although I suppose you can also look at it as being being somewhat lucky, as my sister would say, to have so many people as close friends and who I care about. I suppose she's right. It just is tiring bc either I end up leaving or they end up leaving me first. I am realizing that I can't just sign up for a tour anytime I want knowing my best friend is always down to go with me. That best friend(s), is somewhere else now.

Just today I am thinking about this again... Probably bc we just saw my dad's friend from the US over the weekend who badgered me about boyfriends, and probably bc I have been on facebook quite a bit, and I think about 80% of my gf recently uploaded pictures of their weddings /honeymoon, and bc I just recently sae The Hunger Game and the Iron Lady and John Carter which made me think of the strong female characters having a supportive partner. Anyway, now that people who are in their twenties/ early thirties have all officially left the company, I am kind of back to square one again. I suppose that's easier for me to focus. And also bc it's hard to like anyone around your age anyway. In one way or another, they (the guys) always turn out to be somewhat aggressive and connivimg, either withholding information all the time ( as in the case of SJ), or sounding like an immature ass who likes to take the credit for everything who is actually in his mid thirties( as in the case of JC), or not responsive to your email ( as in the case of AA), or someone who tells u flat out he wants your job ( as in the case of TO).... The list goes on and on. Maybe it's me, or maybe the world really is going crazy and girls have had to to become very non threatening ( which I'm not) in order to be 'likeable''. I often think of a line from Conan obrien on his last show as the Tonight Show Host when jay leno finally stole his job :" if you work really hard, and you are kind,amazing things will happen." I want to remember this always so I can walk away from a job when it no longer makes me happy and when I feel like I'm surrounded by douchbags so much that I am almost becoming one of the,. And if I never date these mental guys I will know that it's because I am better because I want someone who is drive. And yet kind and nurturing.

Funny thing is, the 'red thread' I got from the Chinese temple actually brought me unwanted unattention from lots of older men, and I mean, old like my dad's age old. Maybe it's time to ask for a new one...;) kind of creepy bc I consider myself super non-bs and I would like to be really mean to these older men but I can't bc I either work with the, or they are one of our key customers. But I manage to keep them away. Ugh.

I really need to go and sign up for some kind of class out of my personal interest....-_-

收假

ugh! the 9 days of consecutive Chinese New Year vacation is over as of 1 minute ago. Darn!

A quick reflection before i am off to bed until the dreadful monday.

I spent the day with my maternal grandma and auntie and cousins, and my parents. and i saw them just a week ago because my grandma was in Taipei to visit. I have to say, i've REALLY enjoyed family time thus far. This compared to last year is like heaven to hell. I think about this sometimes, how fortunate i am to be able to live here, during this time, and see everyone while they are still alive and well, when my parents are still healthy and can enjoy the good food and places we visit.

Even visits to the malls feel different. Yes there's a lot of good shopping in the US. and cheap discount shopping. But i enjoy shopping with people who i care about a lot more. I can shop alone, in fact i don't mind shopping alone at all. I get more done within a short time. Whether it's shopping for xmas gifts, clothes, shoes, or books. But i'm kind of over that now. visiting B&N, Ross, Marshalls, nordstrom Rack, Malls, Starbucks...and those places alone. I don't think alone means 'lonely' necessarily. Rather i just become a very efficient robot, i go in, i get things done, and i leave. There is no fun in it anymore because i've become somewhat jaded. But i suppose everything in Asia is still new to me. It's new in a way that there's ao many varieties here, and old in a way that things and places and people are still very familiar to me, i'm just looking at them with a new set of eyes and attitude. For some reason, i enjoy it a lot more. Even if i was just window shopping.

I guess what i am trying to say is, i really enjoying being 'home' in taiwan. i can make plans and actually see relatives who i've wanted to see for a long time. and it's no longer 'i will call you next time i come back - in six months'. rather it's 'next week'. And when we meet next time they bring me a lot of things, foods my grandma had prepared for me, and we meet at a restaurant near their home that they're dying to take me to. And afterward we walk around the mall some more, go back to either their or our place and sit around the living room, watching new year's special and chat about random nothings. and eat chinese candies.

Just pieces of memories i forgot how much i enjoyed before.

I don't know what my next step is. And as my uncle said when i explained the whole job situation to him (work is trying to make me move again, and i said no to China --details to come in tomorrow's post), and he said, are you sure it's the right decision? I paused for a second because i asked myself that question many times before. but i know that for now, it IS the right decision.